Thankfully, in the latter part of my pregnancy things turned up. In spite of a January delivery date, I had neither seasonal nor post-partum depression. Last year when we moved to Alaska (with the long dark nights in winter) I was worried about SAD, but again, I had no problems at all. I thought that perhaps that period of my life was over and that I was finally free of depression... but alas, that is not the case. In the last month or so I have been sinking again. (The timing of it--coinciding with my recently returned fertility--makes me wonder if it's hormonally linked.) I feel down in spite of all my efforts to keep busy, be productive, and do things I enjoy. No amount of successes seems to make up for the days I neglect to make a decent dinner or the nights my son gets mad at me. I am insanely jealous of my friends and family who are pregnant. I am lonely. I go to my weekly knitting circle, sew things for my etsy shops, knit, and chat online with my friends...they all seem to help in the moment, but nothing lasts. At the end of the day I again am having to sit down with my husband and have him help me think of something to be glad about. I wanted to spend the month of November sharing lists of things I'm thankful for, but the truth is that I have been having a hard time finding anything to be happy about. I know there are things, and when someone points them out to me I do recognize them...but I struggle a great deal to think of them on my own.
In short, I am depressed right now. I cling to your comments more than you know--it's a much-needed reminder that someone out there cares. If I seem a little obsessive--posting daily (or more), checking my email 4 times a day, and crying on days when I didn't have lunch ready on time for my family...well, please just realize that this is me not coping very well. I know all the stuff I am supposed to do; it's just really hard to care enough about anything to do it.
I guess I go into all this for the same reason that I talk about my miscarriages: just to say hey, there are a lot of people out there dealing with this. It may not show on the outside--it may not even show to those who are right around us--but that doesn't make it any less real, or any less important.
So I come out and tell everybody how I'm depressed, and within hours I have 10 comments. Maybe I should be depressed more often!!
Thank you all so much. I realized today, after writing about how much I crave comments and feedback, that you probably could already tell that about me...after all, the title I put on my followers is "people who love me" and I changed my comment form to "__ people love me enough to comment." It all makes me sound a bit needy, doesn't it?! But you have lifted my spirits (for now at least), and I thank you.
I ended up having quite a nice night at knitting circle tonight (I got to the armpits of my sweater, so now it is starting to look like a sweater instead of just a tube!!), and I had a remarkably good hair day in spite of neglecting to braid it last night, and I made yogurt tonight which always makes me happy...and tomorrow is Pie Night (if you don't know what that is, well, you'll hear about it this weekend, I promise!) Things are feeling much more up at the moment. That may or may not mean anything for tomorrow, but hey, I'll take all the good moments I can get. ☺
To those of you who responded to my comment about hormones...the more I think about it, the more I realize that I think my depression is related directly to my menstrual cycles. I have had my hormone levels tested before (when I was going through the recurrent miscarriage testing), and from out here I don't have a way to have them re-tested...however I'm going to read up on some things and may look into supplementing. I think it's very likely that my depression set in at menarche, was gone during the amenorrhea of breastfeeding, and now has returned with my fertility...