Authentically Me

My last two years have been an interesting journey for me. I guess the journey has been longer than that, but the last 21 months certainly have been heightened, if that makes sense.

21 months ago I renounced the culture I was raised in. I don’t know how to express the significance of that except to say that, even as a 34 year old woman who is a solid ENTJ and usually falls on the bold side of things, I was scared to tell my parents. It took me four months to tell my family. I was feeling so much happier and freer and better than I had in years, but I was afraid to share it.

When I finally did tell them THAT was freeing too. And in the months that followed I’ve felt increasingly comfortable with letting my authentic self show.

There are things I’m still a little private about...but for the first time in my life I feel allowed to figure out who I am—not just who I’m supposed to be—and more than that I am learning to feel comfortable letting others see that me.

I had a fascinating conversation with my therapist about a year ago about three photographs.

1

This was taken during a family reunion, where my entire family came to Alaska for a week with us. This was the first time I'd seen them all since 'coming out heathen' as it were, and I'd had a lot of anxiety about it.

We'd hired a photographer for a session to get pictures of the whole group. We'd taken family by family, all the grandkids, all the boys, all the girls...and then we gathered the siblings. We all lined up and took what one might call a 'normal' photo, and then for some reason I got it into my head that we should all get on each other's backs. I'm the oldest and when I suggested it (while grabbing my brother and pulling him onto my back) they all just sort of did it within a matter of moments...and this photo resulted. In those few moments I felt something between us that I hadn't felt since childhood. (That's funny to say, because we weren't even all children at the same time, but it's how I felt.) I don't know how to describe it except to say that it was a feeling of camaraderie and knowing that we all had each other's backs.

This was a moment where I felt unfiltered family, and it shows on my face.

2

That unfiltered feeling shows in this photo from a few days later. We were on a hike, we were hot, sweaty, tired, and trying to keep continually moving because if anyone stood still the bugs would swarm. I've been self conscious about close-ups of my smile for years because my teeth aren't quite straight, so I normally keep my mouth closed.

But my little guy was cuddly as I carried him out (I carried kids the whole hike, but switched out which one many times. Yay babywearing!) So on impulse I snapped a selfie. And in that moment--in  spite of feeling a little bit miserable--I felt genuinely happy. And it shows. That wasn't something I'd seen much of in my photos from the prior few years, and it wasn't until I saw this one that I realized what had been missing.

3

Finally, last fall I went to a fancy fundraiser with my husband. I tried on a dozen gowns at the consignment store, and bought a nice short-sleeved one that was flattering...but this one just stayed in my head. Finally, just a day or two before the fundraiser, I went back to the consignment store and it was still there so I got it.

This was the first time I'd ever worn something strapless, and not only doing it but then sharing the photos publically on facebook was definitely something new. Mormons have an easily recognizeable dress code (based upon the temple undergarments which cover significantly more than 'worldly underwear'), and this gown blatantly doesn't meet it. I hadn't hidden my exit from the church but I hadn't really announced it to anyone except my family, so I knew that  sharing this photo was going to 'out' me to many people.

Part of me really wanted to share this photo and part of me about had a panic attack...but I finally posted it.

And you know what happened?

Comment after comment after comment about how lovely the gown was, how good I looked, and how happy I looked. Not a single negative comment. In that moment, I felt accepted for me. Not because I fit within some mold or matched some expectation, but just because I was a person who picked a pretty, sparkly dress that matched my eyes, and who looked nice in it.

That felt so good. ☺



This authenticity thing is certainly much broader than clothing choices or body acceptance, but that's been an important part of it because it's bringing my outside to match my inside. I'm not opposed to modesty at all, but I think a person should be able to be comfortable in their body--not ashamed of it--and that is a journey I've had to take. Taking ownership of my body has been an important part of my authenticity.

18 months before that strapless gown I'd taken two pictures but only shared one.
Wanna guess which one?

 Look at those scandalous double-pierced ears--which I'd had done just hours earlier. 

And those bare 'porn shoulders' tsk tsk.

This week I did something else new: I've been wearing strappy tank tops to exercise in for a few years, and after a while I started wearing them to/from class without always taking a shirt or jacket to cover myself en-route. I happen to think I have very nice shoulders, and I wasn't willing to feel guilty about it anymore. I started making friends with my cleavage too, instead of hating it and fighting it, and that spared me a lot of grief.

Recently I've been taking a pole fitness class. I wore yoga pants/capri leggings the first couple of times, but discovered that I needed my legs bare to above the knee because the fabric gets in the way of holding on to the pole. So I got a pair of shorts that are shorter than anything I've ever owned. After several times of covering them up to/from class, this week I just went to class. (Yes, folks, I went in public with all this skin hanging out. How scandalous.)

And you know what? This time I didn't have anxiety over it. That feels pretty good.

Hello world. This is me. 

Just me, myself.

No more filters.

Choosing My Peace

We all make choices every day. Some are bigger, some are smaller, some have long-term consequences and many do not. Sometimes we make smart and thoughtful choices, sometimes impulsive ones. Eventually, our lives (and our selves) become the sum of our choices.

Sometimes we make a choice that seems like a good idea at the time, but which soon reveals itself to have been a poor one for whatever reason. I recently made a choice which I felt strongly was the best thing out of my options. I am not exaggerating when I say that within a few days I began to feel physically ill over it. I pondered the situation and the choice. I counseled with my husband (who can be a goofball sometimes, but is also thoughtful and wise and often can see perspectives I hadn't thought of). Over the course of a couple of weeks I concluded that the decision I had made--which I thought I had made so carefully--was a poor one. I forgave myself and made a new decision. Almost instantly I was flooded with inner peace, and felt certain that this new decision was the best thing for me and my family. It is fraught with complications of its own (complications I might have avoided with the original choice), but the peace and serenity I have over this decision give me certainty that it is better.

In my experience getting sufficient peace
can make up for a lack of sleep;
but no amount of sleep
can make up for a lack of peace

We all make mistakes, probably every day. Some are bigger than others. Some have bigger consequences than others. But in almost every case we can take steps to undo those mistakes, or to repair the consequences of those non-ideal choices. We can apologize--to ourselves as well as to others--for the choices we've made. And we can make new choices. Choices that are better for us or our families or communities or whatever is applicable. Life is a pretty transient state. We can fix a whole lot of things if we are willing to be humble enough to say "I was wrong" and "I'm a work in progress" and then change tracks and do something different.

I realize I'm "vagueblogging" here, and that is intentional. I don't want this to be a commentary about me and my choices, but more of a musing about the bigger picture. (Remember when this blog used to be "Musings of Mommy Bee"?!) I am hoping that these thoughts will be helpful to someone else contemplating choices that lie ahead (or behind) and that they will be able to apply them in some useful manner.

Take care of yourself. 

Trust your feelings. 

Be honest and authentic with yourself and with others. 

Don't be afraid to say NO to things that bring you down instead of lift you up. 

Don't be afraid to say YES to the things that sustain you, 

even if they were not the things you expected.

I'm Still Here

Hi, it's been a while, I know. I haven't posted here in nearly two years because my life has moved into a new season and I simply don't have the time. But I will catch you up a little on my life these last 21 months, and at least tell you where I've gone.

I finished graduate school in August of 2014 and shortly thereafter began working full time in behavioral health as a case manager. I enjoy it and (at the risk of sounding not humble--which is fair because I'm not) I will add that I am really darn good at what I do. With that said, work now consumes 40 or 45 hours of my week, and when I am home I try to put my attention and energy toward my family.

Also in the spring/summer of 2014 my depression reared its head again. It has done this periodically over my life, but certain spells are worse than others. This time however there was something that helped. It was unexpected, but it was the right thing at the right time and has made an enormous difference in my life: Glee. 

Yes, I do mean the TV show. I had started watching the episodes on Netflix that spring, and yes it's a cheesy dramedy and sometimes the writing is terrible, but the musical and dance performances are amazing. And more than any of that, Glee reminded me of something: It reminded me of my own love for music and dance. Somewhere along the way I had forgotten how much those things mean to me. Somewhere along the way I had stopped singing and dancing around the house (or anywhere else). I had gotten so busy with the many things I had to do that I had forgotten what it was that drove me to major in theater only a decade ago. 

I started singing again. I downloaded music and I started singing along with it. I had fallen out of touch with the arts so gradually that I hadn't realized how far I had moved. But now I sing again. I dance again. I feel more (dare I say it) glee than I did for years.

The other thing that Glee did for me--or helped me to do for myself--was writing fiction. For years I've said that I'm a good writer, and a good storyteller, but that I didn't feel that I had any original stories to tell. (So much for writing a bestselling novel, right?) But then with Glee--because it was impacting me so significantly, and because I wanted more of it--I learned about the phenomenon that is fanfiction. And lest you be too judgmental (because I was too at first), I will clarify: Fanfiction is original stories--sometimes really impressive ones--that just happen to borrow characters. But do you know how helpful it is to be able to practice writing with borrowed characters? Without having to create everything from the ground up? Did you further know that authors do it all the time? Shakespeare hardly wrote anything original, and how many novels or movies are "based on" or "inspired by" another story? Yeah, so everybody writes fanfic. And, for me, Glee fanfic was a gateway. Reading it was a gateway to writing it, which in turn was a gateway to something else... Because dabbling around with borrowed characters gave me confidence to build my own. And now I'm writing my own fiction (working on two different novels actually). The practice with fanfic helped me build up my writing chops--I can write longer things than I ever used to. It also gave me the chance to get feedback on my writing from readers and other writers, and that's invaluable (and good for the self-esteem too).

So the time that used to go to writing nonfiction (blog posts and then grad school essays) has now turned to fiction. I plan to submit my novels for publishing when I finish them, but I also know that now I'm not going to stop writing either. Writing (along with dancing, music, and knitting) are my antidepressants, and they are working pretty well so I'm sticking with them.

At first I felt silly, saying that a TV show had changed my life. (Sounds crazy, no?!) But it did, and it does, and I'm better off for it. And you know, I'm not going to be shy about saying it either. Because maybe it will help someone else.

So no, I haven't written here on the blog in a long time. The truth is that I don't know how often I will write here in the future either. I am spending more time in the real world and less in the digital one. I do still see comments that are left, here, and I will reply to them and to emails. I'm also on facebook fairly regularly. I don't know how much I will post here, but I am not going to take it down because I believe that the archive here can be useful to others. I know it is useful for me: both as a reference, and as a reminder of where I've come.

Shalom.

I can see clearly now...

Nine years ago I went in for a routine eye exam and came out with a very mild prescription (+0.50 in one eye and +0.25 in the other...). They said I had very good vision, but with a slight astigmatism, and that it would probably get in the way for when I was trying to see details on things, like reading or computer work.
Initially I didn't even get the glasses made, but then I thought of my coming quarter of school (three English classes plus working as a seamstress) and decided to go ahead and get them. I picked out some slender, silver, wire-framed glasses with a "preppy" look that were as invisible as possible on my face. Sure enough, when I spent consecutive hours doing close work, I felt eye strain and the glasses really helped.

Once I was out of school, I put the glasses in their case, and rarely used them. Occasionally (when I was tired, or working at something for many hours) I'd get them out. After several years of marriage my husband came home and saw me with the glasses and stopped dead in his tracks "You have glasses?!" Mmmm, yep, got them before we even met... but that just goes to show how rarely I wore them!

Fast-forward to a few months ago when I started grad school. Textbooks and lots of papers to write led me to get out my glasses on a regular basis. And I started to notice that I needed them, not just that they helped, but that I actually couldn't read or work at the computer very well without them. I noticed that captions on movies were fuzzy, I couldn't read them from across the room. (It's a big shift from the 20/15 vision I had at 10 years old.) Wolf has braces, so every couple of months Hubby or I needs to take him into Anchorage for his next appointment. Last week was my [first] turn, and so I made an eye appointment while I was in town. When we got into town the first night, we got into the rental car and I went to pull out of the parking lot and realized I couldn't read the signs and thought "whoa, I need my glasses for driving!" so I stopped and put them on. The next morning, on the way to the appointment, I grabbed my glasses, but promptly had to stop and take them off because my depth perception was all funky with them on.

The doctor did the exam and said "well, you're farsighted with an astigmatism, so you'll probably notice most when you're looking at close range, such as reading, or when there is glare, such as a computer screen or driving at night." Oh my, this guy was good. "And if you try to wear them just walking around the house, you'll probably stumble because it'll throw off your depth perception."
I guess I wasn't crazy after all.

So I have new glasses. My prescription is up just a smidge (now +0.50 in both eyes), and this time I got hefty plastic frames with no nose pieces and scratch-resistance, so they're a little more practical for someone who routinely has children climbing on her...

*Shift*

In the middle of December I broke down. I had a total emotional and mental crash. Depression is not new for me, but it's something I sometimes forget for months or years at a time.  I don't suffer from it in the postpartum period, interestingly enough, but I do experience strong depression during my pregnancies (in spite of my excitement), and it seems that as soon as my menses return post-baby, the depression hits hard again. I wrote about my crash post-Bear, and this fall I should have anticipated another crash as my post-Eagle fertility returned. But I was busy and stressed and didn't think about it.
So, I've crashed. This is why I only wrote for the first two weeks of advent. This is why I have only written three posts in the last month. I enlisted family and friends to advise and support me, and intend to enlist a professional or two as well. In the meantime, I have made several significant adjustments in my life.
The combination of grad school with full time babysitting was wiping me out. I had never really planned to do both, it was an either/or plan...but I signed up for grad school and then the babysitting became availableSo am taking a quarter off of school. When that was not enough, I made arrangements to babysit part time rather than full time, so a couple of days a week I have a break from that. The money was hard to let go of, but I know this is more important.
On a physical front, I have weaned Eagle. That was emotionally draining for a few days but he has adjusted and I know my body appreciates that it is no longer supporting an extra person. I'm taking huge doses of vitamin D and have begun a regimen with iodine (and associated supplements) as well. We'll see how that goes. I don't feel a huge difference there yet, but then again, I'm not crashing the way I was, so maybe that's enough. I believe my depression is hormonally-linked, so I want to go in and have some bloodwork done and see if there is anything to be learned from that. I am also looking into counseling, simply because I believe that the discussion form of support will probably be helpful for me.
I do love grad school, and may return to it for spring quarter (with the lightened babysitting load and my improved physical condition I think it will be more workable). I have not decided for sure, but am considering it.

On a separate but related note, three days before Christmas break started, we decided to pull Wolf (age 11) out of 6th grade and homeschool him.
Two and a half weeks later, we jumped in with both feet.
He had been struggling with school here, both the teaching style of instructors and also the way that certain topics were taught (very book-based) and the homework load. His feelings about learning and schoolwork were becoming very negative, and getting him to do his homework was a battle almost every day. Negativity was flowing out into our home and family through it all, and we knew something had to change. So now it has.
Due to my own struggles and stresses, I felt some trepidation over bringing him home, thinking that it might add stress to our home life...but it did not. Part of me had wondered, even suspected, that bringing him home might lower the stress levels, and indeed it has. Sure, some days there are frustrations, but overall he is happier and more at ease, and so are we all. He feels that he is learning more, he is not being tied down to busywork on things he already knows, he is able to help me with all the little ones, and he feels positive about school in general.
And I must go. We're watching a movie about mummification. Did you know they stuffed peppercorns in Ramses' nose to make sure it kept his shape after he was dehydrated? and they would put little onions in the eye sockets to keep them rounded instead of sunken in (because eyes are mostly water...)

Bee

Somewhere in my late teens I started signing my name as "jenni b" because there were always multiple Jennies. Due to the pronunciation, that naturally morphed into "jennibee." After I married, my new last name still started with a B, so "Jennibee" remained. When I opened an etsy shop to sell cloth diapers and other baby things, I settled on the name "lilbees," making myself the mama bee. Readers who have been here more than a few months know that for a couple of years my blog title was "Musings of Mommy Bee."

And so the bee became my inadvertent symbol. I wasn't particularly drawn to bees, didn't even particularly like them, but it's what I ended up with. (My sons are the Wolf, Bear, and Eagle, my husband is the Dragon...and I'm a little Bee...yeah...one of these things is not like the others!)

In the Book of Mormon, the honeybee is called "deseret." Before Utah was a state, the mormon settlers named their territory "Deseret" and their motto was (and still is) "industry." In thinking on that, I concluded that, in spite of my 'totem' not fitting in with the rest of my family's, it did seem appropriate for me. A few months ago I was feeling disgruntled about it though, and decided to do a little reading about bee symbolism and meanings.

Oh wow.

The Bee is a symbol of the Goddess/Feminine Divine and of female warrior energy.
In addition to industry and productivity, it represents achieving the impossible, making or bringing order, royalty, wisdom, celebration, fertility and the honey of life, sweetness of truth, community, concentration, organization, planning and saving, working with the spirits of the deceased, industry, prosperity, purity, birth, death, resurrection and reincarnation, communication with spirit(s), helping earth-bound spirits move on to their proper place, luck, misfortune and Otherworld wisdom.
The bee is connected to *Bridgid, Ra, Vishnu, Krishna, Indra, Aphrodite, Demeter, Cybele, Artemis, Diana, Rhea, Zeus, Dionysus, Pan and Priapus.
(see The Bee Goddess, The Bee, Wyldcat's Animal Guide, and OneSpiritX) (and if you don't know what all those gods/goddess represent, well, you should study up, some of them are pretty cool. I helped you out--see the end of the post)

Recently I listened to an interview at Daughters of Mormonism, and the interviewee was talking about Hugh Nibley's book Abraham in Egypt and a section called "The Deseret Connection." She explained how the book told of the things the bee symbolized in ancient Egypt: power, life, fertility... it was a symbol of the royal line. When Joseph married Asenath, she (as the daughter of a priest and part of the royal house) brought the bee into union with the House of Israel. Most mormons believe we are part of the house of Ephraim, which means that the bee is part of our birthright.

So I've made friends with my bee self. I've decided I like her after all. In fact, she's pretty much awesome. Which is why on my new charm bracelet (filled with symbols which are meaningful to me), there is a bright, shiny, bee.


*Bridgid--threefold goddess of hearth and fire (Celtic)
Ra--the sun god (Egypt)
Vishnu--preserver of the universe (Hindu)
Krishna--an avatar of Vishnu, the embodiment of love and supreme joy (Hindu)
Indra--lord of heaven, god of war, storms, and rainfall (Hindu)
Aphrodite--goddess of love, beauty, and sexual rapture (Greek)
Demeter--goddess of harvest and growing things (Greek)
Cybele/Sybil / Rhea--earth mother goddess/mother of the gods (Phrygian/Roman)
Artemis / Diana--goddess of nature, wild animals, fertility, and childbirth (Greek)

Zeus--king of the gods, god of sky and thunder (Greek)
Dionysus--god of wine, agriculture, fertility, theater, spiritual intoxication, secret rites (Greek)
Pan--god of nature, shepherds and flocks (Greek)
Priapus--god of gardens and fruitfulness (Greek, imported from Asia Minor)

Live Deep

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, 

I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, 

To put to rout all that was not life 

and not when I had come to die 

Discover that I had not lived.

~Henry David Thoreau

I will not die an unlived life. 

I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. 

I choose to inhabit my days, 

to allow my living to open me, 

to make me less afraid, more accessible, 

to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. 

I choose to risk my significance; 

to live so that which came to me as seed goes forth as blossom 

and that which came to me as blossom, goes on as fruit.

~ Dawna Markova

The first quote I learned from Dead Poet's Society when I was a teenager. In college I cross-stitched it with a pretty border and hung it on my wall.
The second quote I just found this week.

This is my mindfulness.

This is my serenity.

To live deep, and not in fear.

To love freely.

To take what comes, and make it better.

To be a force for good.

To be the change I want to see in the world.

To go

To do

To be

Mindful

and

Serene

Picking Birthdays

It's my birthday. We are on vacation though, spending a brief week with my folks before we all move in in Kotzebue, so this is a pre-scheduled post.

I remember having a conversation with my cousin years ago about how we felt about when our birthdays were. She had a birthday right before Christmas, and she hated it. Too many people rolled the two holidays into one, and she felt like she didn't get a special day for herself. (I have two great grandfathers who had birthdays ON Christmas day, and I remember years of making sure to send two separate cards--a birthday card and a christmas card--so that the birthday wouldn't be forgotten in the holiday hubbub.)

In high school, I had a friend whose birthday was just a few days before mine--in July. She told me that she hated having a summer birthday. Many of her friends would get balloons at school, or decorated lockers, or cupcakes in class on their birthdays, and she was sad that her birthday was not during the school year and that she never got to have those things. I remember being shocked, because one of my favorite things about having a summer birthday what that I didn't have to do any school work--that the day was mine to do with as I pleased!

For myself, I've always liked having a summer birthday. I like that it's about half a year between my birthday and Christmas, no matter which way you look. I like that (theoretically) the weather will be nice and we can be outside or go somewhere interesting. I like that some of my favorite foods are in season and available for my birthday dinner. (In fact, for many years of our youth, I always requested artichokes for my birthday dinner, not because I liked them much, but because my sister liked them, but couldn't have them at her January birthday dinner.) I don't particularly like that sometimes my birthday gets lost (or has to be 'rescheduled') for the sake of camping trips or other summer busy-ness, but in the long run I do like the summertime birthday.

How about you? When is your birthday? How do you like it? Would you change it if you could? When would your ideal birthday be?

30 Days - Day 28

(yes, I'm doing them out of order. This is the random-abstract part of my personality showing through. My mother's concrete-sequentialness, though well taught, shall not prevail!!)

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Heights
or edges
or heights + edges
I guess it comes down to a fear of falling? When I used to have to go out on the catwalk to hang stage lights for the theater, I would get a feeling like all my insides were falling right out through my woohoo (there's a visual for ya!). I still get it a little if I get too close to the edge at a scenic overview or something.

Daughters of Mormonism

I made my podcast debut this week
over at

My introductory interview is here (it's about an hour long).

In the interest of full disclosure, the interview does include my talking about my good girl syndrome, my miscarriages, and my integrated pagan-flavored mormonism. So if those topics trouble you, or if you don't want your kids to hear me talking about sex (albeit non-graphically), then get out headphones or something.

30 Days--Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

This will take a series of pictures:

I want to take wool "from sheep to sweater," participating in (if not wholly doing) the shearing, cleaning, carding, dying, spinning, and knitting of the sweater. It doesn't actually have to be a sweater, but sweaters are practical. And also, "from sheep to hat" doesn't have the same ring.
I have already learned many of these skills separately, but I very much want to do them all in sequence with the same wool, and literally 'make it from scratch' myself. ☺ You have no idea how giddy the whole idea makes me. (The only thing I can think of that would top it would be if the sheep in question were born on my own farm and raised under my oversight prior to the shearing!)

30 Days-Day 19

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

How little? Is two weeks ok?

Too little?
Alright then, this is one of my favorite pictures of me. (oooo, cringe, don't look at the pants!!)

30 Days--Day 18

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Being left alone

 I'm independent and I don't mind being by myself or doing things by myself...but the idea of being left alone--abandoned, or if something happened to my spouse and I were single again--that gives me nightmares.

My Treasure Map

For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Matthew 6:21

This year I decided to join in with the April New Moon Tradition of Treasure Mapping. The idea is to make a visual representation of my hopes, dreams, goals and aspirations for the coming year. It seems to me that making a visible reminder of where I want my heart to be is a good and productive thing.


For a description of how treasure mapping is typically done, see here

To start off with, the page is divided into 9 sections like this
123
456
789
1-abundance/wealth (things I want)
2-fame/reputation (how others see me)
3-relationship (marriage)
4-family (roots)
5-health and self (how I see me)
6-creativity and creation (including the people I've made--my kids)
7-self knowledge (and travel)
8-work and service
9-helpful people and angels (spirituality)

First I did a rough draft (on actual paper), dividing the page into the 9 sections, and then writing words into each area of what I wanted to put there. Some of my words were "glow" "wisdom" "stories" "clarity" "peace" "bless" "sisterhood" and so on.

Once I got on the computer, I chose to paint each section a separate color before I began putting on the images. Then I put on images that expressed the words I had chosen for each area. Some images are solidly within their category, some crossover between categories. That is intentional.☺

(you can double click on it to see it bigger)

I can't just turn off my brain...

(As a note, there is a bunch of LDS content in this one which may or may not all make sense for those who are not members of the church...so feel free to skim or skip if it's losing you.)

The Ostara Supermoon ~ taken from my porch

In the last couple of years--particularly in the last few months, several of my friends have left the LDS church. They have all left for different reasons, and in different directions, but so many are going that it's beginning to feel like an exodus.  I got to know these people through the common ground of the church, but came to love them through our other common ground, and so I still am friends with them. I find myself reeling a bit to see intelligent, thoughtful people walking away from the church, and I am left with what feels like a very important question: why?

And so I have talked with my friends about their reasons and their choices. Like I said, these are intelligent people whom I respect, and when they explain their choices then I start to think. I start to ask questions too.
It's not that I'm asking questions with a malicious intent, nor that I'm looking for flaws with the church or excuses to leave it. I have no desire to leave the church--I never have--but some things are coming up that I am struggling to reconcile, because they're in my head now. Some of them are pretty big questions, and I can't just turn off my brain.

And so I think.

I realize that this really got going last summer, and that I was somewhat depressed at the time. I know that depression (for me) brings with it a real lack of feeling. As in, I just don't care much about much of anything. The combination of lack of feeling with the raising of questions about my church was unquestionably a troublesome duo. I really struggled for a month or so, until in August we went in for our temple recommend interviews. I'd felt a little awkward about going in actually, because I wasn't feeling sure about some things. We only have the interviews every other year, so I didn't remember exactly what was in the questions. I'm the sort of person who is honest to a fault, and if I'm really troubled about something I'm not going to say that everything is ok, so there was even that nagging part of me that wondered if I had any business seeking a (re)new(ed) recommend in the first place... However, when it came down to it, as I went through and answered each question with my Bishop, and then a few minutes later went through them all again with the Stake Presidency counselor, I felt with absolute certainty that this church is exactly where I need to be. In spite of my concerns about certain issues, my basic testimony seems to be intact, and was bolstered by the reminders in the interview.


I am not asking for things to change, but I am trying to understand why some things are the way they are. For example, I know people who are agitating for women to have the priesthood. I don't feel a need to do that--I never have--I'm ok with how things are; but these agitators do raise some logical questions, and so I would really like some nice logical answers for why women don't have the priesthood, you know?

So I still think about things, like I said, I can't just turn off my brain. So I wonder why the church is legally a corporation rather than incorporated as a church (which is what most religious organizations do). If our righteousness and salvation are between us and God, then why is there so much official checking-up on each other, from taking attendance in sunday school to holding interviews every year to officially state whether you've paid a 'full' tithe? Why do there seem to be conflicts between scriptural teachings and certain practices of mainstream LDS culture? (eg: "love one another" verses anti-socialism, or the political actions against homosexuals*) Why are there double standards about things? (eg: piercings or tattoos = evil and disrespectful of our bodies; but botox, boob jobs, and circumcision = totally acceptable?) My dad and my husband have both had church leaders give them grief for wearing beards. How is that anybody elses business anyway?!

I have shared this questioning of mine with a few friends. Some of them are asking some of these questions themselves, but others have warned me that this kind of thinking and asking is dangerous and will probably lead to apostasy. Pardon?! Talking about things or asking questions doesn't make me an apostate. As a matter of fact, I think questions are a healthy part of discipleship: Joseph Smith's asking of questions was precisely what instigated the organization of the church in the first place, and we've been told over and over by leadership to seek personal confirmation about everything.

Several people approached me after my post about delving into paganism, warning me that it was a path into darkness. I appreciate the concern with which the warnings were given, and what I trust was concern on the part of the person who reported me to the Bishop (who then called me in to ask some very awkward questions to 'check' and 'make sure' that I was not 'going off the deep end'). At the end of the day though, my spiritual path is mine, not anyone elses. I prayerfully and thoughtfully seek direction for myself and my family. I instigate and participate in conversations (even debates) about some of these awkward topics in order to try to make sense of things that trouble or confuse me. I am hoping for some answers at General Conference, but ultimately the responsibility for my testimony is only mine.

I think that any group of people will have a certain amount of human error inherent in the system; even church organizations. I do believe solidly in the gospel of Christ however, and I know without question that personal revelation can be relied upon to guide us in all things. So I'll keep relying on those things, and I'll keep ignoring the naysayers all around me.

at the beach, taking in the mountains, waves, and wind

*For anybody who is wondering, yes, I do think that homosexual behavior is deviant, and not acceptable in God's eyes. However, in light of solid scientific evidence (from multiple sources) that same sex attraction is inborn (rather than being a choice), I am troubled by how to reconcile the whole thing. The behavior may be a choice, but if the attraction is not, then isn't it asking a lot to ask someone to act against their nature? It seems something akin to saying that shortness/blondness/autism is a sin...and really, that's just messed up. I do not have any answers on this one. It is one of the things that troubles me.

Further Thoughts on Feminism

I've written before of why I do not consider myself a feminist, although I am staunchly pro-woman. I have never felt comfortable with the title of "feminist" because I disagree with many of the most-loudly broadcast feminist issues, particularly those that involve devaluing motherhood. As I said last May, I feel that the most loudly heard feminist issues seem to be those that urge women to be like men, and in the long run I think that brings down both men and women.

However, a few months ago I had a conversation with my friend Jenne who expressed the thought that she also didn't agree with all of "feminism," however she found that she did agree with many things, and felt like it made more sense to stand with it than against it, in spite of her differences.
Well that's logical.
She is certainly not my only feminist friend, but I guess of all the ones who use that title for themselves, she was the one I related to in the right ways in the right moment. And so I've been thinking... because I have a habit of adjusting my opinions when I learn new information, and that applies to parenting, politics, spirituality, and apparently to feminism. Perhaps I have more in common with them than I realized. I do not personally feel repressed, but I can see societal trends that are certainly disgusting and unhealthy (The "Killing Us Softly" series about images of women in advertising series comes to mind). I also see a lot of women who have been taught to distrust themselves, their intuition, and their bodies. I have written many posts here about trusting our bodies in birthing, listening to our gut in parenting, and I think that this trust of the female self IS lacking in our society. So while I'm not out burning bras or demanding a job as a CEO, I realize that I am something of a feminist activist when I write about my experiences or beliefs about birthing or miscarriage or being a faithful keeper of my home and family.

I still do not exactly consider myself a "Feminist" per se--I greatly prefer the term "Egalitarian," because rather than focusing on equality for one gender over another, it simply promotes fairness for everybody, regardless of gender, race, creed, or practice.

Merriam Webster defines egalitarianism as

1: a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic affairs

2: a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people

However, if you want to call me a feminist, well, I suppose the boot fits. ☺

My feet. In boots. Sexy woman boots. With heels.

30 Days--Day 5

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
or, in any case, of the memory which gives me the greatest fulfillment: Eagle's birth

30 Days of Pictures--Day 1

A friend of mine is doing this on facebook right now, and it's been fun to watch what she posts day after day. I'll state right off the bat that I am not going to post one-per-day as the original challenge requests, but just slowly work through the list over the next couple of months, posting one every couple of days (interspersed with my regular posts of course).
Here is the "30 Day Challenge" list. I'll link each one as I post them. I also reserve the right to substitute if I feel like it. I don't know if I will, but I reserve the right to do so!!

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
Day 04 - A picture of your night.
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.
Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~♥~

So, without further ado:
Day 01 (today) - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

Taken in 2004, at a renn faire...but it's still one of my favorite pictures of me. ☺

1.  I am a girly girl. My favorite color genuinely is pink (and has been since my tweens). And I have no daughters to share it with.
2.  "Jennifer" was the #1 name for about ten years running, and I was born right in the middle of it. My baby book says that my parents picked my name because it was "a pretty name for a pretty girl." However, they wanted me to be different from the 2 million other Jennifers born that year, so they named me "Jenni" with an 'i' and no 'fer.' The 2 million other Jennifers (and everyone else) have been misspelling it ever since. 
3. I was not given a middle name at birth. I legally added one after my wedding when I was changing my name anyway.
4. I donated blood regularly in college, but I'm not allowed to any more (because my husband lived in England, so we're both at risk for Mad Cow apparently...)
5. I enjoy discussions--even debates--on almost any topic. I also am fascinated by others' opinions and try to understand them. Once I've heard someone out, I sometimes even change my mind on the issue.
6. I have never had a professional haircut. Or manicure. Or pedicure. Or any of that salon stuff.
7. I regularly overthink things. Really overthink them.
8. I think best by talking through something. My husband knows this, and tunes me out. Sometimes I do my thinking via writing, thus this blog (lucky you!)
9. I say "bolth" and "salth" instead of both and south. I don't know why. The imprecision of it annoys me actually.
10. I knit funny. It's not normal knitting. It's also not really continental knitting. It's sortof like combination knitting, only I don't match the videos of that either. I have finally learned to knit well (instead of only purling), but I do it weird. Don't try to learn to knit from me. Also, sorry, but those little knitting help videos don't help me very much either. 
11. In the past I had professional aspirations as a teacher...a few years ago I began contemplating childbirth education and doulaing. Now I am considering pursuing doing henna professionally. And of course there is always the sewing/knitting...
12. This spring and summer items of my creation are available for sale at a local yarn shop. What makes this especially cool is that said yarn shop operates out of a yurt. 
13. I had never been to Alaska when we moved here in 2007. Almost immediately upon arriving I knew this was home. I intend to live the rest (or most of the rest) of my life here. 
14. I like dangly earrings best.
15. I am settling into the idea of being a mother of only boys. Who knows what the future holds, but statistically speaking, I might as well adjust.

10 10s in 2010...final roudup

final report
original goal list ~ update Apr 14 ~ update July 6 ~ update Oct 25

(since a number of items appear more than once, I am putting notations by the first occurrence, then making the font on subsequent ones smaller. I'm also shrinking the font on anything that hasn't changed since last time...)

1--Keeping My Home

1. Create (and then stick to) a housekeeping system more or less epically failed here (what a way to start off the list eh?) however, there aren't any mice or cockroaches and I do continue to vigilently battle the mildew that creeps in on all the outside walls, so maybe who cares if my 'system' is just 'do what desperately needs doing today' eh?
   
2. Try out at least one new recipe each month Jan-Troy's Chicken and Speedy Burritos Feb--Spider Spaghetti, Mar--Lebanese spinach puffs and cheeseburger buns, April--black bean/rice veggie burgers and pound cake and trifle, May--spinach stuffed pork loin, June--tarragon cream halibut, July--Salmon burgers and salmon-dill quiche, August-- veggie gingerbread muffins, hot Mexican salad, September--gluten free cookies and stardrop (GF) cookies and Indian-style chicken, October--(I have no idea what I did in Oct, but maybe the extras in sep cover me huh?) November--stovies and oatcakes, December--fruit braid.
   
3. Serve balanced meals (with a protein, a vegetable, and a starch/carb) at least most nights ☺
4. Grind my own wheat flour ☺
5. Make bread all year ☺
   
6. Build up my food storage--at least 3m worth of all non-perishable items some pictures
7. Learn about gardening in Alaska--what foods grow well, when/how to plant and harvest, etc ☺
8. Have a garden ☺
9. Can/freeze produce in season ☺
10. Participate in the butchering and/or preservation of a moose that Hubby shoots (that's one of his goals for the year) He didnt' get a moose in spite of much trying, BUT we got a half a cow from a local farmer. ☺
11. Render tallow from the beef scraps to make candles!
    

2--Read Books (ideally including the following specific titles)(* means I've started it, date indicates when finished) I scrapped half the list and instead am putting things I actually did read

1. 4/10 To Kill A Mockingbird
   
2. 11/10 A Christmas Carol
3. 7/10 something by an Alaskan author
4. a biography or memoir nope
5. *Going Rogue by Sarah Palin (mostly for cultural literacy) didn't finish...didn't mind
6. 1/10 Icy Sparks
7. Fablehaven I am now halfway through book 3...I have to keep swapping reading time with Wolf, as he's reading them too
8. 10/10 The Mists of Avalon
9. 8/10The Passage by Justin Croner (NYT top book)
   
10. 6/10 The Audacity of Hope by Barak Obama (alternate)
11. 12/10 Drawing Down The Moon
    

3--Improve Financial Stability

1. Pay off (at least) one account ☺
2. Keep current with tithing (unfortunately some months this has been hard for us, and then catching up on our tight budget is even harder) ☺
3. Live within our means, always considering wants vs needs, and making the modest choice even with the latter. ☺
4. Use coupons and shop sales at the grocery store ☺
5. Use our tax returns and PFD's wisely (for food storage/debt, not playing!) ☺
6. Build up our food storage ☺
7. Build up my year's supply (the non food stuff, like toilet paper and toothpaste and laundry soap) to 3-6 months worth ☺
8. Do not buy any new diaper/etc fabric ☺
9. Sew items to sell using the fabric I have ☺
10. Actively market my etsy shops ☺

4--Be More Present with my Family

1. Read more books to my kids ☺
2. Acquire a couple of new children's books in order to do #1 without losing my mind ☺
3. Cuddle my kids every day ☺
4. Include the kids in the housekeeping schedule (give them assignments)
5. Stay OFF the internet one day a week (generally Tuesdays) ☺
6. Be a good example for the kids by limiting my screen time on other days ☺
7. Say "just a minute" less often ☺
   
8. Play with my kids, not just work near them ☺
9. Have a monthly 'date' with each family member it's been hit and miss, but pretty good...
   
10. Go to bed at the same time as my Hubby usually ☺
    

5--Create

1. Create (sew or knit) at least 6 things per month, for my family or my shop Jan FOs, Feb FOs, Mar FOs, Apr FOs, May FOs, Jun FOs, July FOs, Aug FOs, Sep/Oct FOs, Nov/Dec FOs
   
2. Introduce a new product (or two or three) in my shop(s) this year. Four so far.
3. Allow myself the thought-outlet of blogging frequently ☺
4. Finish Wolf's sweater sewed him a hoodie instead
   
5. Knit something for myself (I have no idea what yet) No knitting, but I sewed a pretty blue gown for myself, so I think it counts
   
6. Use up existing stash rather than buying new materials
7. Try out at least one new recipe each month
8. Learn how to make shampoo/conditioner strike
   
9. Make handmade gifts for my family/friends (not necessarily to the exclusion of purchased items). I made the gifts for each of my family members for Christmas☺
10. Help my children make things

6--Focus Inward

1. Be more active (I'd like to go walking, though in winter in Alaska with two little ones and no where to walk indoors this is a challenge...)
   
2. Work on my poor ignored abdominals...crunches or pilates or something very hit and miss...
   
3. Get outside more often ☺
4. Read more fiction (see list above!) ☺
5. Read my scriptures also a bit hit and miss...
6. Pray more (an ongoing challenge for me unfortunately) ☺
7. Get the local breastfeeding support group on it's feet.
   
8. Sing more  ☺
9. Take time to be still and quiet ☺
10. Check in on these goals at least quarterly to monitor my progress ☺

7--Focus Outward

1. Do my visiting teaching every month ☺
2. Become a Big Sister with Big Brothers/Big Sisters...it's something I've wanted to do for a long time. or not
   
3. Build up the local breastfeeding support group.
4. Fulfill my church calling  I'm now the music coordinator for the ward.
   
5. "Pay It Forward" whenever I can (in whatever ways I can) ☺
6. Look specifically for opportunities to PIF/send out good karma ☺
7. Shop locally or handmade whenever possible. ☺
8. Feed the local missionaries each month ☺
9. Teach a friend how to do something new ☺
10. Teach my kids how to do new things ☺
    
11. BONUS--start a nonprofit organization for miscarriage support and education (ha, who'd have guessed!)
    

8--Learn

1. Read a parenting book Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn (review coming sometime...)
   
2. Read a marriage/relationship book The Soul of Sex by Thomas Moore
   
3. Read a political book The Audacity of Hope by Barak Obama
   
4. Read a nutrition or health book
5. Read a biography or teachings of a latter day prophet or apostle aww scrappy
   
6. Read my scriptures
7. Learn new knitting techniques Jan--increases, Feb--seaming (shoulders, sides, and setting in sleeves), Jun--picking up stitches
   
8. Learn how to make shampoo and/or conditioner
9. Try out at least one new recipe each month
10. Seek to find/recognize the sacred in all aspects of life, and the connections between truths ("spiritual" and otherwise) this has been just awesome

9--Blog

1. Write a series of posts about The Family proclamation strike
   
2. Finish the final post in my "motherhood" series done ☺
3. Finish the birth-related posts that are sitting in my drafts folder done ☺
4. Research and write more posts on specific vaccinations
5. Write reviews of the books I have read but haven't written about yet: Hold On To Your Kids, The Omnivore's Dilemma, Raising Your Spirited Child strike (my goodness I didn't do a single one of these books! Oh well, there's 2011, right?!)
   
6. Write reviews of books I read this year meh ☺
7. Post more regularly on my cooking blog ☺
8. Post more regularly on my family scrapbook blog (it's private, for keeping extended family updated mostly) ☺
9. Fill in gaps by posting older stuff on the family scrapbook blog too ☺
10. Leave comments on my friends' blogs ☺
11. BONUS write a series on the Relief Society proclamation
    

10--Celebrate

1. Celebrate the earth cycle holidays (equinoxes, solstices). ☺
2. Finally start our long-planned family tradition of having an authentic medieval meal (ie, big meat, candlelight, no utensils) once a year. It was pretty cool
3. Establish a new family tradition for Jesus' Birthday This was also pretty cool
4. Have a family pizza night at least twice a month frequently, and invite someone to join us. ☺
5. Have a family or couples game night at least once a month strike
   
6. Go to playgroup and mom's support (breastfeeding) group and RS meetings and thus rejuvenate myself often meh ☺
7. Visit some major sites of my own state this was quite an adventure, to say the least...
   
8. Play music in the home/car, and sing more ☺
9. Get outside often and breathe deeply ☺
10. Do my best to live deeply and suck the marrow out of life ☺
11. BONUS start a new family tradition of celebrating the countries of our ancestors by having a meal of authentic foods on that country's national holiday (some I've hit and some I've missed...and I'm just being ok with that at this point)
12. I know I posted somewhere my plan to make cakes for each family member's birthday, but can't find it on this list... I have done it for Hubby & Bear, Wolf and Eagle. ☺

 

So, six strikes off a list of 100 (but did about that many 'bonus' things)...not too shabby! ☺

Finding the Sacred in S-E-X (or, how I conquered Good Girl Syndrome and learned to be a Lover)

Today's post is very personal, and I debated with myself for a while before deciding to write about it. I finally concluded that I wished that someone had shared these things with me years ago, rather than having to slowly find them on my own. So I write today with the hope that, perhaps, someone out there will benefit from what I share.
 ~j

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was raised as a religious youth to be good and chaste, and subsequently I ended up suffering from the all too common "Good Girl Syndrome." In other words, once I'd saved myself for my wedding night, I made the transition physically, but not mentally or emotionally. I adapted to all the other aspects of marriage quite well, but I did (and still do) turn red if my sexuality comes up in a conversation (for example, telling someone that I'm pregnant). It wasn't that I never enjoyed myself, but I had been fed so many cultural messages about sex being dirty, just physical, animalistic, and anything but spiritual, so it was hard to look at it as good, let alone holy. I still wanted to be a righteous person, and I wasn't finding much (especially from religious sources) that ever talked about sex in a positive light. So even though I knew that it was ok to have sex when you're married, there was still a part of myself that was always uncomfortable with the fact that I was sexually active. I even recall shortly after my wedding having the thought "well, there's no going back [to virginity] now, it's too late."

Now physical pleasure is a valid aspect of sex (and needn't be considered 'dirty,' I think, unless it is the only reason for the sexual relationship...which of course would not be the case in a marriage). Procreation is an important part of sex too (but, again, not the only reason for the relationship!) With that said, (at least for me) finding the spiritual side of sexual intimacy was what finally helped me move out of the 'virginal youth' mindset and into being able to be a 'lover' wife. I deeply wish that I had figured out both my problem and the solution years ago when we were first married, but it's better late than never I suppose. I finally tuned in to myself as a sexually active person, and it's remarkable how much better my life (all aspects of it) have become.

So how did I recover from my Good Girl Syndrome and find the spiritual side of sex? There were several parts, but first I should note that my husband has been supportive of me throughout this process, and that it was not his fault in the first place. He always wanted me to be able to love the physical side of marriage as he did, and tried to help me in whatever ways he could think of. But there were things going on inside me that couldn't just be loved away, and it took a while to find and fix them.

1. I had to realize what was wrong with me in the first place. It wasn't just that I was tired, or hormonal, or had low libido because of the nursing baby...it was that in some deep-seated part of my unconscious I wasn't comfortable with my own sexuality. I faced that and called it by name, and naming your demon is the first step to killing him.
2. I read The Soul of Sex and it was very helpful for me in appreciating sexuality as much larger than just the physical act. The author explored classical archetypes and discussed sexuality from a philosophical perspective that was very helpful to me. (If you didn't read my book review, click the link there and go read it. Please! That book was literally life-changing for me.)
3. I got in touch with my pagan side. A number of pagan religions (notably wicca) teach that the sexual act is the ultimate thing in the universe, the Great Rite between Goddess and God. It joins opposites into a whole that is greater than the parts, and finds resolution in the dichotomies of existence. Considering the common pagan belief that we all have aspects of gods/goddesses within us, or all have the potential to become gods/goddesses, then when we enact the Great Rite we are creating a microcosm of that holy (and vital) resolution. 

Since beginning to see both sexuality and sexual intercourse in this new (better) light, I have sought ways to keep sacredness in my sexuality. Here are a few:

• Think about things like what I mentioned above (both in and out of the bedroom): the unified whole being greater than the parts, the physical unification being a symbol for spiritual and other unity in your marriage, etc. Discuss these ideas with your spouse.
• Lighting candles. We have a few fancy ones from this etsy shop, but mostly we have cheap tealights and they work just as well. The ambiance of candlelight is not only romantic, but many

  

  photo by Alice Harold

  religious ceremonies utilize candles, and the light/fire of a candle has many spiritual connotations.
• Try a bath (you can add candles there too!) Ritual washings are part of many religions, so try washing each other before proceeding to other activities.
• Massage one another with oil (or lotion). Anointing with oils and formalized touching are found in many spiritual practices. Take the opportunity to use repetitive motions and physical touch to arouse and relax your spirits as well as your bodies.
• Anything which shuts out the world can be a way to tune into the spiritual. So, in intimate times, shut out the world, and tune into your own spirit, your spouse's spirit, and the Spirit that is over your marriage.
• If consummation is the 'magic moment' (afterwhich you are 'married' and would have to seek a 'divorce' rather than an 'annulment'), then every time you re-consummate your marriage it could be considered a way of renewing your vows. Think about that!