A "Crunchy" Mama

(I started this post a looong time ago, then I got morning sick, then I didn't get around to finishing it...but I still wanted to post it so here goes!)


So, I labeled myself as a crunchy mama, then Jenn over at BabyMakinMachine asked me what it meant, so I tried to explain, and it led to her writing this post in which she pondered crunchiness and whether it was for her. That post then led to nearly 50 comments (most of them lengthy and some of them quite heated)... and I concluded that I was gonna just lay it all out.
I think Jenn put it quite fairly when she suggested that perhaps there's a middle level, somewhere between 'crunchy' and 'soggy' (or mainstream) which might be called 'chewy.' I find myself chewy in a number of things, because I'm not nearly so far off the beaten path as many of my uber-crunchy friends. On the other hand, I'm pretty far off the beaten path!

My reasons for being crunchy (or chewy) come from one main thing, and that is that I believe in questioning the status quo, and doing my own research about things, so that I can make my own decisions about what is best for me and my family. Again and again I discover that mainstream practices were born of the greedy side of capitalism (not that capitalism is evil in and of itself, but the associated greediness certainly is...) and that the things that really seem best are falling into this category called "crunchy." Here are my few basic tenets:

1. I believe in not messing with the way God made things.
2. I believe that Godmade is better than manmade, and should be utilized if available.
3. I believe in avoiding unnecessary interventions/chemicals
4. I believe in respecting people and the Earth.
5. I believe in logic
6. I believe in making things cheap, easy, and comfortable unless there's a good reason not to (you got it folks, I'm lazy!).

So what does this mean?

I believe in not messing with the way God made things

• My body gives me signs every month of what is going on with my fertility, so I observe them and take notes rather than trying to control or change them.
• My body makes milk for my baby, therefore, I should give it to the baby.
• God made baby boys with foreskins. End of discussion.
• If you're gonna drink cow milk (which is actually made for baby cows you know), then at least drink it whole, or even raw. Its vitamins are fat-soluable, so if you want the nutritive benefits of it, you'd better be getting the fat with it. Oh, and the low/no-fat versions have petroleum in them, just FYI.
• God made some people women, and some people men, and then He gave them each bodies built to fulfill certain roles, therefore I birth and nurture children and keep our home, while my husband provides for and protects our family.

I believe that Godmade is better than manmade

• So infant formula is only for emergencies, not for the average baby.
• Food out of the dirt or off a tree = good, food out of a box = not so good.
• If there's an herb that fits the bill, then I don't want some chemically formulated pill. Ideally I'd like nothing at all.
• I think HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) is bad news...I'm trying to restrict it in our diet, though I doubt we'll manage to remove it entirely.
• Partially hydrogenated anything = evil
• I believe in butter. Margarine is the devil (also it tastes like BLECH).
• I've recently found that I vastly prefer natural fibers (cotton, wool, hemp, bamboo) over almost all of the synthetics. Especially now that Eagle seems to break out when he wears synthetics.
• I don't typically wear makeup--I wear the face God gave me.

I believe in avoiding unnecessary interventions and chemicals

• The vast majority of women's bodies can give birth without intervention, so they should be allowed to do so.
• If my child is exploring, I don't get in the way unless injury is imminent.
• If (older) kids disagree, I try to help them work it out, rather than stepping in and taking over.
• I think that antibiotics are making superbugs, so I don't use antibacterial soaps or products in my home, and would not seek (or take) a prescription for an antibiotic unless there were a good reason for it (such as post-surgery).
• I don't wear makeup (most of it is toxic to some degree)
• I don't use scented soaps/lotions/shampoos/detergents.

I believe in respecting people...

• I try to boycott companies that treat their employees badly (such as Walmart)
• My children do not call adults by their first names. If an adult is more than a few years older than myself *I* usually do not call them by their first name.
• I think it's offensive to do cosmetic surgery on an infant boy's private parts without his permission.
• I follow my infant's schedule, rather than demanding that he follow mine.
• I don't let a small infant cry. I don't let an older child cry for long.
• I try to be gentle and respectful in my parenting.
• I try to take care of myself by eating (relatively) well and dressing modestly
• If I can tell that my infant needs to poop, I often remove his diaper and hold him over the toilet. There's no reason to force him to sit in his own waste for even a moment if I can help it.

...and respecting the earth

• I try to support local farmers, and sustainable farming practices
• I recycle
• I buy second-hand if I can
• I re-use or re-purpose things because I don't throwing away good fabric/wood/etc
• I try to be minimalist
• I try to stock my kitchen (and my kids' toyboxes) with things that will last--things made from wood, metal, or glass.
• I use recycled packaging when I mail things
• I use cloth diapers, wipes, rags, etc. (I do use cloth pads, but this was a very secondary reason for it--the primary reason is below)

I believe in logic

• I make milk + baby is hungry = give the kid a boob!
• I need sleep + baby needs sleep + baby needs to eat during the night = let's all sleep in the same place
• Babies like to be held + mommy needs to get stuff done = babywearing
• Children learn by example, therefore I should be gentle with them if I want them to learn to be gentle with me or anyone else.
• I see the sense in some vaccines (though not all) but I also see the dangers...so the ones we get we get on a spread-out schedule.

I'm lazy, frugal, and like my comforts

• I use cloth pads and cloth diapers because fabric is more comfortable than plastic on tender parts.
• babywearing is cheaper and easier than strollers and carriers (and doesn't require smooth sidewalks, of which we have precious few here!)
• I re-use or re-purpose things because I don't want to spend the money to buy new ones.
• I don't wear makeup--I've got the face I've got and if you don't like it then don't look, I'm not going to paint it for anybody.

I'm sure there are other things, but this is what comes to mind off the top of my head. ☺

Come back tomorrow and hear about my "soggy side"

Sleep, Glorious Sleep!!

It's the plague of the mother with young children--the lack of sleep. It's the reason that books about teaching children to sleep become bestsellers. It's the reason that things like letting a baby "cry-it-out" are considered acceptable. Mom has to be able to get her sleep or she won't be able to function.
Trust me, I understand. In the average day I need to prepare at least one large balanced meal (lunch is usually leftovers from prior days, and breakfast is typically simple, but I generally spend a good hour on dinner). I chase a toddler around all day. I break up world war III (or IV or V) between my sons on a regular basis. I clean the house. I sew or knit. I may have errands to run or people to see. And yeah, I spend some time online chatting with friends, commenting on their facebook statuses, and attempting to enlighten the world via my blog. Yes, I need my sleep as much as anyone.
But I don't believe in leaving a baby alone to cry. I think it's psychologically damaging to a young infant to abandon them like that. (Go ahead, feel offended, this is my blog, I'm going to give my opinion!) ☺

So what is my solution? Simple: co-sleeping.

Co-sleeping can mean several different things. It might mean bedsharing (where the infant is in bed with mother). It might mean having a sidecar bed (where the infant's bed is adjacent to mother's). It might mean having the baby in his own bed across the room from mom--but still in the same room. The point is not the exact sleeping arrangement, the point is that they are sharing sleep.
Many breastfeeding mothers choose bedsharing because they can literally just half-wake, slip the breast into the baby's mouth, and drift back to sleep. Bear shared our bed until he was past 2. He also didn't night wean until then. Both Hubby and I would have preferred to have him move into his own bed (and nightwean) a little earlier than he did, but every kid is different and that was just what Bear seemed to need at the time.
Some people have difficulty with bedsharing because they get 'touched-out' and need some space in order to sleep soundly. My sister is one of these people, and my little Eagle is another. My sister puts her babies in their own bed near hers, so that she can attend to them when they need her, but she can still sleep between times. Eagle enjoys snuggles during bedtime, but once he's asleep he stays asleep much longer if I put him in the sidecar crib rather than keeping him nestled next to me.
Here is our current arrangement: 

If you look at that and think "gosh, you have to climb to get into bed" then you're right, I do. But that's how our room is laid out, and you know, it's ok. For one thing, since Eagle is breastfed then when I wake up with him I don't have to get up, I just wake up enough to feed him, then lay him back down. Yes, sometimes I go back to sleep with him snuggled in next to me, but sometimes I don't. One of the nice things about having the sidecar there is that it's available if I want it, but it's convenient to have him in bed with me too--and because of the sidecar being right there I don't worry about him falling or rolling off the edge of the bed.
(And no, we don't usually make the bed--you're right that is a bit of a hassle with the crib there--but we didn't usually make it before anyway. Today I made it specially for taking this photo for you. Don't you feel special?!)

 

You can see that my bed is scooted right against his, and that they are the same height. I have a few things in the bed there with him too. First, a small pillow (to keep him sleeping on an incline, so that he doesn't get stuffed up). I lay a cotton blanket out under him (over the pillow) and then I grab a crochet blanket or two to put over him--I like using them because they are warm but they are also full of holes--so I don't have to worry about him accidentally pulling it over his face because he would be able to breathe through it.

One thing that has proven to be very convenient about the sidecar arrangement is that I keep a little box there. It has my water bottle and chapstick, gripe water, diaper cream, the binkie, a burp cloth or two, plus some wipes and my nighttime diapers. They are always right at hand so I don't have to clamber out of the bed for anything during the night. If you look back to the first photo, you can see that there is also a pair of wool longies hanging over the end of the crib...I often put them there to air out because I always use them at night.

 

Eagle seems to like the arrangement ♥

Mom Wars: Making Choices

I've been thinking recently over the way that many parents (especially moms) get into 'wars' over certain parenting topics: breastfeeding vs formula; co-sleeping vs crying-it-out; mom staying-at-home vs working; vaccination; circumcision; methods for discipline; even things like labor induction or epidurals.

On the one hand I very much understand why these are such hot topics: the parent is making a choice that affects another person's life, a choice which may even have lifelong consequences. That's a lot of responsibility, and I would hope that none of the choices would be taken lightly.

Inevitably people get defensive when someone else questions their choices. I have two basic thoughts on that:
One--if you have to be defensive about it, then are you really that sure about it?! If you truly believe in it, you shouldn't feel the need to defend your decision. Stand up for it, sure, but defend it? If it's so good and right, then won't it speak for itself? (I recently had this realization in regards to nursing in public. Either you do it or you don't, but if you do it then don't be apologetic about it, you know?!)
Two--I've always said that I can respect a person who makes an educated choice (even if I don't agree with the choice), but I cannot respect an UNeducated choice, or the choice-maker. Especially in this age of information, I think there's really no excuse to trust anybody's word on anything, parents should be able to learn things for themselves and make their own decisions. Nobody should just take the word of their doctor, or friend, or neighbor, or mother, or the author of some book...every decision should be based on study, thought, and (at least in all the cases I mentioned above) prayer.

Tips for Gentle Weaning

I must preface this post with the CLEAR statement that these tips are geared to a child who is at least 12 months old. I don't believe in pushing weaning before a year of age (with the rare exception of extreme medical situations), and I feel it is preferable for a child to nurse at least 18-24 months.

First of all, I ask you to evaluate why you are trying to wean--is it because you want to, or because you feel pressure from others? I encourage you to review the reasons you have chosen to breastfeed in the first place, and to keep it up for as long as you and your child are both happy with the status quo. With that said, if one of you is genuinely not happy, making changes can be healthy and good.

Whether you're night-weaning, fully-weaning, or just cutting back a bit on your nursing routine, hopefully some of these will be helpful. By no means should you feel the need to try them all! But hopefully something here will work for you.

• Stop offering the breast. This might seem obvious, but some kids don't really ask for it, they just take it when offered. If you stop offering it all the time that could greatly reduce their nursing.
  
• Nurse whenever they ask, but only for a short time--for example count to 10 and then say 'all done' and stop. They can ask again as often as they want, and never be turned away...but each nursing episode is very brief. With time the child will likely adjust to short-duration nursing, and it then becomes easier to cut back the frequency. (I posted about my experience with this here.)
• When the child asks to nurse, offer a drink or other snack. (If they are asking out of hunger, then find other ways to meet the need.)
  
• When they ask to nurse, distract them with a book, toy, or other activity (Little Bear often will ask to nurse simply because he just remembered that the milk is there--via seeing me changing or whatever. In these situations it is easy to distract him.)
• Cuddle, sing, rock in the chair...do all the things you do when nursing, but don't get out the breast.
• Get pregnant. No, I'm not being facetious. Many children self-wean because the milk either dries up or changes in taste during pregnancy...of course, many women experience acute breast tenderness when pregnant and have to push weaning because of the pain...so take the idea with a grain of salt. If you've been thinking about getting pregnant though, know that yes, you can nurse while pregnant, and it may help your older child to wean (or it may not, and you may get to tandem nurse... ☺)
• Here is KellyMom's list of articles on weaning (including information about whether or not a medical situation warrents weaning--most do not--and more ideas on how to do it gently)
• Here is an index of all Dr Sears' articles on breastfeeding (including weaning).
  

NIGHT WEANING

• Many women have said that they handled night-weaning by telling the child that the breast/milk went to sleep at night (this is best after 18months, as they may not understand the logic before then). This is the tack we've taken and while Bear is frustrated over it, he accepts that the nanu sleeps just like everybody else.
  
• Put the breast away--this can be done during the day too, but is especially applicable at night, when many of us just leave it hanging out...easy access usually means lots of nursing. Toddlers rarely even wake up in these cases--they just latch on and keep on sleeping. If there is nothing to latch on to, they may just sleep!
• Scoot over or roll away. If the child is co-sleeping, they may be nursing simply because it's there...even with your shirt pulled down the persistent child can feel the breast and knows that it's right there. The determined ones may pull up your shirt and go after it! However, if you roll onto your back, or scoot away from the child a bit, then the breast is not right there, access is not so easy, and they are more likely to forget about it.
  
• For night-weaning, consider Dr Jay Gordon's program (it is geared to the over 12months co-sleeping crowd)
• Here are 12 ideas from Dr Sears for gentle night weaning.
  

Please take into account that when a child is sick, or learning a new skill (walking, talking, potty-learning, etc) they will probably not handle other changes (ie, weaning) very well. It is best to just do one thing at a time.


Please let me know if you have other gentle weaning tips and I'll add them to the list.

Crying vs Crying-It-Out

Last night Bear cried a lot. We've been working on night-weaning, and he doesn't like the idea. However a nursing relationship needs to be working for both mother and child, and waking multiple times a night to nurse a wiggly 2year old is not working for me. I need to sleep in longer periods than he does, and I would really like to go through a night without having all the blankets kicked off or getting a foot in my ear or being pushed off the edge of the bed. I'd like for Hubby to be able to sleep a little better--after all, he has a job where he can't fake it as a zombie--he has to be up and coherent (teaching) every day.
So we are night-weaning in an effort to get Bear to sleep through the night and learn to sleep in his own bed (which is a whopping 4 feet away from ours).
Bear doesn't like this, and let me know about it with great volume for about an hour last night. He did not want to be cuddled or comforted for much of this time, and I ended up doing a lot of thinking about the difference between crying, and crying-it-out (CIO).

Some so-called experts advocate CIO, or putting the child in their bed and then leaving them alone to just "cry it out" until eventually they give up and go to sleep. Um, think about that for a minute--I should leave my baby alone, comfortless, and scared (because depending on his age he may not even be aware that I still exist once I'm out of his sight)...and that is good parenting?! How on earth is that good parenting?! Aren't we supposed to raise children with love and compassion? Teaching them to trust? Helping them feel secure? Isn't the role of a parent to be as Christ is--a gentle teacher who is always there when called upon? An example to the child, so that faith comes easily because they have already seen and know and trust the earthly parent, and are therefore able to know and trust the Heavenly One?! No! I cannot believe that there is anything Christlike (or acceptable) about CIO.

On the other hand, not all crying is crying-it-out.
When a child is learning to walk and he falls down, he may cry in surprise, disappointment, or even pain.
When a child reaches for the stove and mother holds him back he may cry in frustration.
When a child is unable to reach that exciting (but unsafe) do-dad on the top shelf he may cry in annoyance and anger.
The tender-hearted child may cry at the simple word 'no' regardless of how gently it is spoken.
Crying is not unhealthy in and of itself--in many instances it could be considered just a natural part of the learning process--even in older people! I have known teens who came to tears over particularly difficult math problems; we all know adults who have cried over a broken relationship. And so I will repeat myself--crying is not bad. It is the abandonment part of CIO that is the problem.

A few weeks ago I wrote of a night when Bear went to sleep on his own in his crib. Well, that didn't last even two nights. For 4 months now I've been trying to figure out the best way to help him do those three things--sleep through the night, night wean, and sleep in his own bed--and I've tried tackling each one independently, with the thought that the others would follow naturally. Keeping him in his bed did not go over well, so I decided to let him cuddle all he wanted but work on weaning. For 4 nights it went really well, and then he got sick and clearly needed the extra comfort (and antibodies!) for a week. Last night I resumed telling him that the nanu was sleeping, and boy did he lose it. I remember that last time we did this (a whopping 10 days ago), he cried a lot the first night, but the second night was easier, and the third was easier still, so I am optimistic. With that said, I also do not feel guilty about letting him cry a bit last night, and here is why:
1--I never left him alone
2--I continuously offered him comfort in the form of cuddles, singing, patting his back, etc. I listened to what he asked for and got him everything except nanu (getting a drink, getting a blankie, sitting in the chair as opposed to staying in the bed, etc). Was he upset and frustrated? Yes. Was his bawl-fest warrented? In his mind, clearly so. Was he ever left alone? No. Comfortless? No. So was he crying it out? Absolutely not. He was crying, but he was not crying it out.
I think the difference is an important one. I remember a wise mother once told me that in a healthy relationship the status quo needs to be working for both of you. If I bend to his every whim (but am unhappy with it) then it is not a healthy relationship. A newborn needs to eat throughout the night, but 2 year old child is old enough that night-nursing is neither a physical or emotional need; it is only a want, and it is ok to say 'no' to a want.

Consider This...

Here are a few quotes I collected from this site. (I recommend the site for anyone not convinced on the circumcision issue--although I say this with the disclaimer that it has actual photos...) I believe these quotes can apply to a lot more than routine infant circumcision though...the cesarian epidemic, early weaning, separating babies from their parents, CIO (crying it out)...the list goes on and on.


"Tradition will accustom people to any atrocity." --George Bernard Shaw

"Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to waste and destroy." --Henri de Lubac

"As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities." --Voltaire

"Often the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it." --Mark Twain

"What's done to children they will do to society." --Karl Menniger

"The test of the morality of a society is what it does for its children." --Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it's time to pause and reflect." --Mark Twain

"Whenever a doctor cannot do good, he must be kept from doing harm." --Hippocrates

"We shall have to learn to refrain from doing things merely because we know how to do them." --Theodore Fox, Spech to Royal Physicians

"Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." --Bertrand Russell

"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." --Friedrich Nietzsche

"What history teaches us is that men have never learned anything from it." --Georg Wilhelm Hegel

"It is never too late to give up your prejudices." --Henry David Thoreau

"All truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident." --Arthur Schoepenhauer

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." --Margaret Mead

"Enlighten the people generally, and tyranny and oppressions of body and mind will vanish like evil spirits at the dawn of day." --Thomas Jefferson

"Each time a person stands up for an idea, or acts to improve the lot of others, or strikes out against injustice, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring, those ripples build a current that can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance." --Robert F. Kennedy

"[A] long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defence of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason." --Thomas Paine, Common Sense

"Whoever has overthrown an existing law of custom has always first been accounted a bad man: but when, as did happen, the law could not afterwards be reinstated and this fact was accepted, the predicate gradually changed; - history treats almost exclusively of these bad men who subsequently became good men!" --Frederich Nietzsche

"It's not the facts which guide the conduct of men, but their opinions about the facts; which may be entirely wrong. We can only make them right by discussion." --Sir Norman Angell

The Ferber Baby meets The Focker Baby

Do you remember in the mid 1990s when everyone was talking about the babies in orphanages in Romania? That was the first time I became aware of some of the horrors going on around the world. These babies were going colorblind because they had no colors in their cribs to stimulate them. Infants, toddlers, and even older children sat in cribs (sometimes tied to them) all day and all night... there were not enough adults to care for them, so they were not cared for. Most of these children cried day and night when first placed in the orphanages. It broke the hearts of reporters and television viewers alike to see these children cry and cry and cry...

Eventually, the children would give up and stop crying.

That broke our hearts even more.

And yet, somehow, we don't accept that we are doing the same thing to our children. How many times have you heard that you need to let your baby 'cry it out' or 'learn to self-soothe'? Have you heard of the 'Ferber baby'? The baby that doesn't need adult attention, it just shuts up and goes to sleep by itself. That is SO SAD!!! The Ferber baby is a baby who has given up!!!
I LOVE the scene in "Meet the Fockers" where Jack Byrnes is explaining how they have "Ferberized" their grandson by never responding to his cries and not picking him up. Bernie Focker turns to him and says proudly "we always picked up Greg when he cried. We didn't Ferberize him, we Fockerized him!"
Hey, now that sounds like a good idea! Hold the baby when he is sad. Go to him when he cries (after all, babies do not develop object permanence until 6-8 months--that means that if they cannot see you, they don't know that you still exist, and feel truly ALONE). In other words, let's show our children that we love them, shall we?! Let's go Fockerize them!

We Love Co-Sleeping

Daddy got home from his early morning job and found us all snuggly... (this photo is an example of careful camera angles so as to be discreet about the fact that mom is 'sacked out with her rack out' nursing the little one.)
W doesn't actually spend the night in our bed with us--he doesn't fit--but he often sleeps on the floor in our room. He doesn't like being the only family member sleeping elsewhere, and we can't blame him. When dad leaves in the wee hours though, he usually lifts W into the bed so that he (dad) can get to his dresser.


And yes, S likes to snuggle with Daddy too...mmm, nothin' quite like a good finger for munching...(especially when you've already nursed and you're not hungry anymore--just teething!)

A Little One Sided

Here's how I feel today...strangely, it wasn't from the night, it is just that S has decided to nurse for longer than he used to at a feeding, and I'm too lazy to make him switch sides... growth spurt anyone?!

Why is "Modern Society" so backwards?!

It's strange how our western culture has complicated child raising...People have been having and raising babies for centuries, and it never used to be this complicated. In fact, bringing up babies was part of every day life. There was no need for birth control to try to time babies, because they were not a hassle...caring for babies was just another thing one did, like making dinner or sleeping at night.

First they decided we must put diapers on our children, thus causing the poo to get everywhere on the baby's bottom, and requiring lots of cleanup...if you hold the baby over a toilet (or some dirt) then one quick swipe with a cloth (if that) and they are clean and ready to go play again. Diaper rash was unknown before diapers.

Next they decided that babies must sleep in their own beds, maybe in their own rooms, and shouldn't drink their own mother's milk... I truly pity the mothers who try to do this! When my infant wakes up, I attach him to a nipple, and go back to sleep. Rarely does he keep me awake for more than a few minutes. I don't have to sit up very often, and I have never had to get out of bed for him, let alone go to other parts of the house.
During the day, when he is hungry, he opens his mouth wide, and I put milk in it...so simple. No hassle with bottles and heating and getting the proper temperature...he is quickly satisfied, and I have thing simple and easy.

Now they tell us to put our babies in little buckets (aka carseat carriers) and carry them around without touching them..this makes the babies sad and fussy, and said buckets are heavy and unweildy. It's so much easier to grab a wrap or sling and just wear the baby--he can sleep contentedly against my chest and I can get my work done.
Every time I wear my baby in public I get comments--they range from "oh, he looks so comfortable in there" to "I wish I'd had one for my baby" to "where can I get one?" I've never had a negative comment about my wrap. The other day someone said "I wish they'd had those when mine was a baby" (her child is 6). I smiled and said "native tribes have been wearing wraps for centuries, it's just that the rest of us took a while to catch on." I now think of myself as a walking billboard for babywearing--most folks know a good idea when they see one, they just need a chance to see it so that they can get on board! So, babywearers of the world, get out and get seen! Don't be shy about your slings and wraps--show them off! You're bound to influance someone for the better!