Romantical little things

I was chatting with a friend recently. She and her husband have been struggling a bit, and she was trying to find ways to draw closer together again. Life can get in the way for anyone, and I think we each have periods where we feel distance between our self and our spouse. So, with that in mind, here are a list of things I have done or seen to help make sparks when the embers are burning low.

• Celebrate your "monthiversaries" every month. If you were married on the 8th, then every month on the 8th have a little celebration, whether it's a gift, getting flowers, going out to dinner, making a cake, or sending the kids to a babysitter's house so you can have a romantic evening together.
• Create and share a "couple's journal"--a notebook with a question at the top of each page. Maybe put a fancy pen with it. Then take turns writing answers back and forth to each other in the book.
• Buy a pad of post-it notes.  Write a note to your spouse on every single one, and leave them all over the house: in their sock drawer, on the steering wheel, in the glove compartment, in kitchen drawers and cupboards, in a briefcase or backpack, in the book they are reading, on the mirror, on the wall, on their pillow... The notes may be as short as "♥" or maybe fill it up with a tiny love letter. 
• Write the alphabet down one side of the page, and for each letter, write a word or phrase that is a reason why you love your spouse. (This is also fun to do as a series of 26 notes or emails, one at a time, letter by letter...)
• The same as the alphabet one, only with their name, or your names combined.
• Tell your spouse a list of things you love about them (or ask them to tell you). Don't worry how big or small each thing is, just start talking, and keep going as long as you can think of things. Especially if you've been struggling, this might be hard at first, but just do it...the more you say, the more come to mind, and it gets easier as you list more things. ☺ (If you think this sounds goofy, just TRY IT, I promise, it's pretty awesome.)
• Never underestimate the value of conversation. Pillow talk; discuss your dreams, concerns, and fears; talk about recent news topics, political issues, spiritual ideas, or philosophies; debate with each other; make plans; make dreams.
• For those on tight budgets or with very small children, date nights may be rare or non-existent. Try some of these ideas.

What have you thought of or done? Please share!

Frugal Friday: Dates for under $10

Spending time with your spouse is good for the relationship, but sometimes the budget makes it hard to go on dates very often. We spent about 5 years where, no matter how cheap a date we went on, the babysitter was cost-prohibitive! So here are a bunch of ideas of dates that are under about $10 (many are free), and also a few ideas for how to afford a babysitter.


BABYSITTING

• find a free sitter--grandmas are famous for this, but they're not the only ones!
• barter--perhaps a neighbor or friend would be willing to watch your kids periodically in exchange for something...Last year a friend babysat for us in exchange for some of the fish Hubby had caught that summer. This year, our neighbor has agreed to babysit once a week in exchange for us letting her dog out to potty (since she is not able to come home midday and she is usually gone for 9-10 hours).
• create a co-op with other parents. Once a month you have all the kids at your house on a friday night, but the other weeks of the month you take your kids to one of their houses, and they babysit for you. It's especially workable if you have it just with one other family (ideally neighbors), and maybe one parent stays home with their kids and one comes over to be with yours. Alternate weeks.

GO OUT

• go on a picnic
• go on a hike
• go for a walk
• go to a matinee of a movie (if you live in Utah you can catch the dollar theater and do an evening movie for cheap)
• go give blood at a blood drive. Chat for an hour over the sandwiches and cookies and juice.
• go somewhere local and get ice cream or milkshakes or malts
• go to a cafe or restaurant, order one item, and share it
• get happy meals, take them to the park and have a picnic. Swing on the swings, play on the teeter-totter, go down the slides
• volunteer at a soup kitchen
• if your kids are a little older, set up a baby monitor and go to the neighbor's house (next door) and just bring the receiver end with you. Most of them are good for across the street or one house over. Play board games or watch a movie with the other couple
• go stargazing
• if you live near a college, go to a lecture or special event of some sort (they are often free or cheap)

STAY HOME

• have a picnic dinner in the living room
• have a picnic in the backyard
• play games together (board games, card games, question/guessing games about each other, etc)
• have another couple over, and play games with them
• borrow a new movie from a friend or neighbor or the library and watch it together
• bake something scrumptious together and feed it to each other
• stargaze from your own yard
• once the kids are in bed, watch a movie together. Make popcorn, make it a special night
• listen to a podcast, broadcast, or other audio something together (we like listening to the Intelligence Squared debates for example)
• give each other massages
• take a bath together
• talk 

And here is another blog post (not one I wrote) that has a whole bunch of ideas for romantic or sexy dates with your spouse. http://loveactually-blog-ideas.blogspot.com/2010/03/date-nights.html 

Stand By Your Man

I am writing today to my women readers. I believe I have two or three male readers, and you can feel free to read along too of course, but this isn't really directed to you.☺

In recent years my family has faced unemployment three times. In 2007 my husband was laid off and was not able to find a new teaching job until the last week of July (a mere two weeks for us to tie up everything and move from Utah to Alaska). In 2009 we left Pelican, but he did not get a job offer until the first week of July (better than before, but still several months of stress and uncertainty). Last year he was again laid off, and even though we had a good Plan B (of going to school), he has still been unemployed for this last year, and that takes its toll. Now we are actively job hunting again, and the ups and downs of it are really hard. I have watched the way these events have affected my husband each time, and I have seen and heard similar things from my friends about their own situations with unemployment or job hunting. In all cases, our men have struggled in a way that goes beyond just finances.


When a man has a family, and has taken on the responsibility of being the financial provider for that family (whether in part or in full), then if he is unable to provide for them it is a major blow to his ego. (I'm sure there are occasional exceptions to this, but based on what I have seen they are a minority.) It has been my observation that when a man is not able to provide, it hits him deeply. He may feel less of a man. He may feel that he's a failure (first at providing, then at anything/everything else). He may feel worthless. He may become withdrawn or stand-offish. His libido may suffer. He may get short-tempered. He will very likely face some degree of discouragement or depression.

Now let me interrupt myself for a moment by pointing out that I know that there are people out there who believe that gender roles are are taught, and who would fault me for being so male-centric in this post. I know that a lot of aspects of gender identity are taught, but I do believe that some things are definitely inborn. I have offered my sons a wide variety of playthings, but do they play with the play food or the baby dolls? Nope. Not for more than a couple of minutes. Then they go back to building rockets and swords and catapults and guns. Even when I didn't allow any toy weapons in the house, they would use their legos and lincoln logs and tinker toys to make weapons. They are sweet and affectionate boys, but they are very much 'male' regardless of my efforts to not push roles on them one way or the other. For that among other reasons, I feel unequivocally that there is an inherent difference between boys and girls. I believe that the role of providing is something that is hardwired into the average man as part of his protective nature. It is then no wonder that an inability to provide would leave him feeling like less of a man. Obviously if a woman is the primary provider for her family she would likely feel the same kinds of things as a man would, but culturally there is a precedent and also usually an expectation of a man to be a provider, so I write here primarily of men.

Speaking from my own experiences (both with my own depression and with seeing it in my spouse), when you are the one who is depressed, it is really hard to self-diagnose. All the feelings of inferiority seem justified. All the malaise seems normal. Even milder manifestations of discouragement can still affect spouse and family.

What he needs the most in this situation is to have his wife's unfailing support. The specifics will look different from one couple to the next, but the basic principle is the same. He needs to know that he is still man enough for her. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but if it is his manhood that is threatened, then it is his manhood that needs to be supported. You may find that it helps you with your own frustrations or disappointments as well. Even when your man is happily employed and everything is hunky-dory, little reminders of your love and support will not go amiss. So here are a few ideas of ways to support your man:

• Tell him that you love him.
• Tell him why you love him.
• Tell him--and show him--that you find him romantically and sexually appealing (support an aspect of his manhood that is not out of work!)
• Compliment him, especially about things that demonstrate his manliness (his strength, his skills, his physique, his intellect, his ability as a lover, etc)
• If he is applying for lots of jobs, help with whatever you can, whether that is proofreading his resume, helping collect applications, or finding new ways to cut the budget.
• Bring up concerns if you need to, but try really hard to avoid complaining (about finances particularly).
• If you are eligible, get some help, whether it's from family or church or government. For example, if you're able to get food aid, then you'll be able to continue to eat well in spite of your financial pinch, and a good meal can help things feel normal even when they aren't.
• If you can help bring in money, go for it. If you are both on board with the idea, seek employment to help the family through. If he does not want you to get an outside job though, I think it's also important to respect that. If he is unable to provide, and then you do so, that could make the situation that much harder for him.
• When he's gone all day applying or interviewing, try to have a meal ready for him when he gets home--just as you would have when he came home from working all day.
• If he is at home a lot, ask him to help with things, help him stay occupied and productive. A Honey-Do list is one option. You might also ask or encourage him to take on a large project, such as putting in a garden or refinishing some furniture. Especially try to find 'manly' things to ask him to do. For example, the average guy will probably feel more excited about washing the car, moving heavy items, reaching things from high shelves, or changing the oil than he would about scrubbing the bathroom or cooking dinner. Not that he shouldn't help with those latter things too, but try to find a balance.
• Spend time together doing fun things. Picnics, frisbee, hikes, parks, playing board games, stargazing, trips to the beach, etc. If you have kids, be sure to include them in many of these, but be sure to do some things with just the two of you as well. It doesn't have to cost money to bring happiness and make great memories.
• Encourage him to do things that he enjoys with other adults, for example going to play ball with his friends, or game nights or movie nights with the guys. There are a lot of socializing and entertainment options that are inexpensive or free. Get a little inventive.
• Just as you give him nights out, keep some balance, and take your own nights out too. It gives him a chance to have daddy nights with the kids (if you have them), or to have a quiet night at home alone.
• If nothing else is helping, seriously consider seeking therapy or medical help. Depression can be a very dangerous thing in its more severe manifestations. It's probable that he won't feel that help is necessary, but if you feel it is, then it probably is.
• And no matter what, you vowed to do it when you married him, so stand by your man. ☺

Finding the Sacred in S-E-X (or, how I conquered Good Girl Syndrome and learned to be a Lover)

Today's post is very personal, and I debated with myself for a while before deciding to write about it. I finally concluded that I wished that someone had shared these things with me years ago, rather than having to slowly find them on my own. So I write today with the hope that, perhaps, someone out there will benefit from what I share.
 ~j

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was raised as a religious youth to be good and chaste, and subsequently I ended up suffering from the all too common "Good Girl Syndrome." In other words, once I'd saved myself for my wedding night, I made the transition physically, but not mentally or emotionally. I adapted to all the other aspects of marriage quite well, but I did (and still do) turn red if my sexuality comes up in a conversation (for example, telling someone that I'm pregnant). It wasn't that I never enjoyed myself, but I had been fed so many cultural messages about sex being dirty, just physical, animalistic, and anything but spiritual, so it was hard to look at it as good, let alone holy. I still wanted to be a righteous person, and I wasn't finding much (especially from religious sources) that ever talked about sex in a positive light. So even though I knew that it was ok to have sex when you're married, there was still a part of myself that was always uncomfortable with the fact that I was sexually active. I even recall shortly after my wedding having the thought "well, there's no going back [to virginity] now, it's too late."

Now physical pleasure is a valid aspect of sex (and needn't be considered 'dirty,' I think, unless it is the only reason for the sexual relationship...which of course would not be the case in a marriage). Procreation is an important part of sex too (but, again, not the only reason for the relationship!) With that said, (at least for me) finding the spiritual side of sexual intimacy was what finally helped me move out of the 'virginal youth' mindset and into being able to be a 'lover' wife. I deeply wish that I had figured out both my problem and the solution years ago when we were first married, but it's better late than never I suppose. I finally tuned in to myself as a sexually active person, and it's remarkable how much better my life (all aspects of it) have become.

So how did I recover from my Good Girl Syndrome and find the spiritual side of sex? There were several parts, but first I should note that my husband has been supportive of me throughout this process, and that it was not his fault in the first place. He always wanted me to be able to love the physical side of marriage as he did, and tried to help me in whatever ways he could think of. But there were things going on inside me that couldn't just be loved away, and it took a while to find and fix them.

1. I had to realize what was wrong with me in the first place. It wasn't just that I was tired, or hormonal, or had low libido because of the nursing baby...it was that in some deep-seated part of my unconscious I wasn't comfortable with my own sexuality. I faced that and called it by name, and naming your demon is the first step to killing him.
2. I read The Soul of Sex and it was very helpful for me in appreciating sexuality as much larger than just the physical act. The author explored classical archetypes and discussed sexuality from a philosophical perspective that was very helpful to me. (If you didn't read my book review, click the link there and go read it. Please! That book was literally life-changing for me.)
3. I got in touch with my pagan side. A number of pagan religions (notably wicca) teach that the sexual act is the ultimate thing in the universe, the Great Rite between Goddess and God. It joins opposites into a whole that is greater than the parts, and finds resolution in the dichotomies of existence. Considering the common pagan belief that we all have aspects of gods/goddesses within us, or all have the potential to become gods/goddesses, then when we enact the Great Rite we are creating a microcosm of that holy (and vital) resolution. 

Since beginning to see both sexuality and sexual intercourse in this new (better) light, I have sought ways to keep sacredness in my sexuality. Here are a few:

• Think about things like what I mentioned above (both in and out of the bedroom): the unified whole being greater than the parts, the physical unification being a symbol for spiritual and other unity in your marriage, etc. Discuss these ideas with your spouse.
• Lighting candles. We have a few fancy ones from this etsy shop, but mostly we have cheap tealights and they work just as well. The ambiance of candlelight is not only romantic, but many

  

  photo by Alice Harold

  religious ceremonies utilize candles, and the light/fire of a candle has many spiritual connotations.
• Try a bath (you can add candles there too!) Ritual washings are part of many religions, so try washing each other before proceeding to other activities.
• Massage one another with oil (or lotion). Anointing with oils and formalized touching are found in many spiritual practices. Take the opportunity to use repetitive motions and physical touch to arouse and relax your spirits as well as your bodies.
• Anything which shuts out the world can be a way to tune into the spiritual. So, in intimate times, shut out the world, and tune into your own spirit, your spouse's spirit, and the Spirit that is over your marriage.
• If consummation is the 'magic moment' (afterwhich you are 'married' and would have to seek a 'divorce' rather than an 'annulment'), then every time you re-consummate your marriage it could be considered a way of renewing your vows. Think about that!

Couple's Journal

I mentioned this gift idea in my post about frugal gift ideas, and thought I'd explain it a little more thoroughly. Or, rather, I think I've explained it...I thought I would share some ideas of what to put in it, to get you started in case you'd like to do one too. ☺

• What is your dream date?
• What is your dream vacation?
• What is your dream car?
• Tell about your dream house.
• If you were an animal, which one would you be and why?
• If you were a kitchen utensil or appliance, which one would you be and why?
• What are some of your favorite traditions?
• If you had one year to live, what would you do?
• If you had one month to live, what would you do?
• One week to live?
• One day to live?
• One hour to live?
• What is your favorite scripture story?
• On a scale of 1-100, how good of a driver are you? How about your spouse? What are your strengths and weaknesses?
• Where have you always wanted to go?
• Share your testimony
• What attracted you to your spouse first?
• What frustrates you most about your spouse?
• Have you ever thought you were going to die?
• What things make you happy?
• What are your favorite parts of your body? Of your spouse's body?
• If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
• What are your greatest fears?
• What are some of your goals for your life?
• If the adult you met the child or teenage you, what would your younger self think of your adult self?
• What do you think your kids would think of you if they met you as a kid?

Just write one question at the top of each page, then leave the rest blank... We have spent some date nights passing the book back and forth, each writing our answers to some questions (we just flip open to pages at random)

"The Soul of Sex" by Thomas Moore

"The Soul of Sex: culturing life as an act of love"
by Thomas Moore was such an interesting book, and with such an interesting thesis. I stumbled across it at the library and read the inside flap and had to bring it home.

Here is an excerpt from the flap:

In our age of science and psychology it's tempting to think of human sexuality in terms of biology and interpersonal relationships. But this new book...regards sex as an experience of the soul and emphasizes the themes of fantasy, desire, meaning, and morality. In [this book] Moore turns especially to religion, mythology, literature, rites, stories, and visual imagery [like classic art] that see sex in some of the most profound mysteries of life. He finds spirituality inherent in sex and at the same time explores the many ways in which spiritual values can sometimes wound our sexuality. He recommends chastity and celibacy for everyone--as aspects of sexuality and not only as literal lifestyles--and presents them as a means of developing a sensuous spirituality.
The Soul of Sex also establishes the principle that one can't have a fully satisfying sex life in a world that is asexual and antierotic. Thomas Moore recommends many ways in which society could tone down its moralism and create a public life that is erotic, one that affirms desire and pleasure. He sees widespread attention to sex in the media as a symptom of our failure to find a positive place for sex in the culture, and he spells out an Epicurean way of life in which the simple, deep pleasures of good food, friends, family, home, and intimacy with nature provide and appropriate erotic base for a fulfilling sex life.

The author is conservative catholic and was even a monk for a while. It's been interesting for me to read about sexuality from a distinctly moral perspective (although he does make the specification that 'moral' is not the same as 'moralistic'...in other words, having morals isn't the same as being all hoity-toity about stuff). So much of what is out there now is from a more 'natural man' point of view, and this is definitely not. He is very pro-marriage and pro-fidelity, and also pro-spirituality. As he says "If there is any substance in the common sentiment that sex is sacred, it would seem appropriate to explore that sacredness in religious terms."
This book also isn't erotica, or a 'how to' in any sense. Like I said, it's philosophy.
He talks a lot about archtypes--Aphrodite of course, but also Artemis (the virgin), Eros, and even Christ. I certainly never thought I'd read something about Jesus as sexual (he doesn't say sexually active, merely pro-sexuality), but it's entirely respectful and the author makes some very thought provoking points.
He talks about sexual symbols such as the phallus (which is more than just a penis, it's a symbol of honor, power, vitality, humor, playfulness, etc) and also the vagina (which he suggests is a symbolic harbor, a source of stability, calmness, and safety).
It's really fascinating to look at sex and sexuality from a more encompassing perspective--as symbols of larger (sacred) things. Or as a rite that reminds us of the sacred.

The book is full of highly quotable things, so rather than try to talk about the book any more I will just let it speak for itself...

In modern life sex is one of the few numinous areas we have left, numinosity being the aura of awe and mystery usually associated with religious feeling. We have destroyed the mystery of the planets and stars with our telescopes and roving machines. We have diminished the numinosity of nature through our countless studies and exploitation. But fortunately we have not yet reduced the power of sex to stir deep desire and to compel contemplation.

If we understand marriage only as a literal living arrangement, then it entails a literal giving up of the solitary life. But as an initiation of the soul, marriage takes us deeper into ourselves... We can imagine marriage as something we do for ourselves. Marriage is not a surrender to another person but to another condition of life, one that can be deeply rewarding. (208)

In our symptoms lie the seeds of our revitalization. If we want to know how to gain new life and fresh sensibility, all we have to do is look closely and appreciatively at our problems. We have to be careful not to leap into compensation--championing the opposite of what our symptoms embody. Rampant pornography, for instance, suggests that we might consider the value of sexual imagery. Rampant divorce suggests that our idea of marriage might need some space. Rape suggests that we have not yet learned to use the power of love. Excessive sex in the media suggestions that we have not built an erotically rich society. (235)
Modern society's combined moralism against and obsession with sex indicates that we have not yet discovered the deeper meaning of sexuality. We think of it in purely personal terms, in contrast with many cultures that treat sex as a sacred cosmic force. We try to keep sex hidden, apparently thinking that what we cant' see won't hurt us. But like all powerful elements in the soul, sex needs to be manifested. Otherwise we suffer not only from the sudden return of the repressed--sex breaking through our repression in negative and uncontrollable ways--but also from a diminishment of life and vitality. Sex gives life color and vivacity. When we hide it out of fear, our personal lives and our social lie become flat. (276-7)

And finally, an idea that was on my mind a great deal this last week as I drove up and down the billboard-lined, 8 (soon to be 12)-lane scar of pavement that is I-15 in Utah (and thought about the pretty little tree-lined, winding, 2-lane road that I live off of here in Alaska)

It seems clear to me that the plague of sexual images that fill the internet and line our city streets, and the so-called gratuitous sex that spices most grown-up movies are exaggerated, autonomous, and noisome because we don't understand the importance of a sexy road or an appealing building or a sensuous workplace. The principle at play is simple: whatever we don't have the imagination to weave into our human lives beautifully and intimately will haunt us in the form of autonomous temptation and shadow values. There seems to be no middle ground. Either we build a beautiful road or the ugly version will soon begin to destroy the culture we are striving so hard to make. As always, our choices are basic: either Eros or Thanatos, sex or death. (248)

If we'll loosen up and let a little more 'sexy' into our world, and embrace the sexuality within us as the holy and powerful thing that it is, then we won't have so much negative sexuality bursting through the seams of repression. And we'll all be happier besides.

Love Your _______

Recently as I was driving home I saw a marquee out in front of a church that said "Love Your Enemy." That phrase got me to thinking of the other phrase we hear so often: "love your neighbor."

Firstly, who is my enemy? I actually can't personally think of any--I'm sure there are people out there who don't like me, but I figure that's their problem, not mine. I suspect that for most of us, in our day to day life, our 'enemies' are not close to home. They are distant and conceptual, and we have other things to worry about in our busy lives. So when the sermon on the mount tells us "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you," we smile and nod, say something cursory in our prayers, send a donation to somebody who does work in poor places (that's where terrorists come from, right?), and then pat ourselves on the back and go about our business.

Loving an unseen enemy can be easy. The depth of the love may be in question, but since we're not having any personal interactions with said enemies, it's not that big a deal...

But loving your neighbor?

You mean the neighbor who lets his dog poop in my yard?
How about the one who always drives on my grass?
Or the one who drives too fast down my little residential street where my kids play?
What about the son who never seems to pee quite in the toilet?
And the spouse who leaves his clothes on the floor?
The daughter who steals your makeup and then misses curfew? Frequently?
The child who talks back?
The family member who takes the last cookie?!

How easy is it to love these people?

Oh, sure, we 'love' them. We say we love them, we do nice things to and for them, we take care of them. But do we let ourselves get frustrated over things that don't really matter in the long run? Do we speak to them in anger? Why is it that we 'let our hair down' and act our worst when we are with the ones who matter most?

Yes, we certainly should make efforts to love our enemies. BUT, I think that the higher priority needs to be to love those who are all around us right here at home. After all, they have to live with us.

Dedicate ourselves to strengthening marriages, families, and homes

There is a war being fought today and it isn’t across an ocean. Satan knows that within the walls of homes, inside strong marriages and families, is where he loses the most ground; therefore he is doing all within his power to destroy marriages, families, and homes. Satan spreads lies about the composition of the family—suggesting that it is ok to have two mommies, two daddies, unmarried parents, or (intentionally) single parents. Psychological studies have shown that it is healthiest for a child to be raised by two parents of opposite sexes. No matter how much love exists in any other arrangement, it cannot compete with God’s perfect design for families.
Marriages and families are pillars of strength in society. They are the center points from which we all face the world, from whence we determine our lives’ directions, and within which we form our values. Any society must stand on the shoulders of those within it, and those within it will not have the strength to hold up very much unless they are built together in the framework of families. Without families, marriages, and homes, we have nothing, and our society cannot help but crumble.
We live in a culture (at least in the USA) which promotes independence and selfishness, but it is only with interdependence and selflessness that we can truly be strong. United we stand, divided we fall. If we desire a sustainable society, it is imperative that we be dedicated to supporting and promoting strong marriages, families, and homes.

Accidental Abuse?

Disclaimer: I know domestic violence is a serious thing and I don't in any way mean to pretend that it's not. However these events the other day were so amusing that I had to share...


A few days ago I was doing some dishes. Hubby had just finished making himself some lunch, and I knew that he'd boiled some potstickers, so as I grabbed things from the sink I was careful of the pan that he had used because I knew it would be hot. I reached into another dish to grab a spoon and YEEOOWWWW! I burned all four fingers of my right hand. Even as I thrust them into the cold faucet water they still felt hot. What the...???
Apparently when he had drained the potstickers, Hubby didn't pour the water down the drain, it had gone into a pan already in the sink and he had just left it there. I had not thought that a pan from the prior night would have nearly-boiling water in it...obviously I mis-thought.
Hubby felt so bad, but I really wasn't mad at him, I was just frustrated at the pain and the situation in general. Being the strange people that we are, we started joking about it "well if you wanted to hurt me there are more direct ways to do it" "no, I wanted to do it in a sneaky way, plausible deniability you know..."
Well if that's how he wants to play, maybe I'll have to accidentally leave a strategically placed dirty diaper on the floor for him...

Musings on Online Dating

Disclaimer: I am not writing this to anyone, so if you are one of my single friends, please don't take this as my trying to be all annoying and matchmakery...this is just something I have been thinking about recently...


I've been thinking lately about my many unmarried friends who are around my age (late 20s). They have each expressed a desire to settle down and start a family. These are attractive, intelligent, educated, good people who would all make good spouses for someone...so why are they still single?

Several have expressed the feeling that it is difficult to meet people, or, at least, that it is difficult to meet the sort of people that could be considered marriage material. Once upon a time, when people lived their entire lives in the same little town, they grew up with their future spouses. A boy could look around at the girls his age and see that these were his options, and when he got ready to marry he'd pick one of them...when the choices are fewer the process is certainly simplified. Of course modern culture has convinced us that we need to worry about things like falling in love, but I would venture to suggest that if two people with common values and goals are willing to commit to each other, then love and attraction will fall into place. (And really, what's the stronger basis for a relationship anyway?) So are clubs, parties, dances, movies, or dates an ideal way to meet potential spouses? I would submit that they are not. Sitting in the dark, with little more than small talk or some dancing, is not much of a way to get to know someone.

As most of my readers know by this point, I met my Hubby online, and frankly, I think that route makes a lot of sense. We no longer live in the same tiny town our entire lives. As people move farther apart and live more independent lifestyles, it becomes harder to find people who share our values and goals, and therefore harder to find people to marry. Modern dating methods (the movies and dances I mentioned before) do not facilitate getting to know each other well enough to know what we truly have in common...instead they promote superficial things like physical attraction or similar taste in foods. Even in the settings where supposedly all the attendees are "marriage material" (such as at a church function), I find that strength of convictions and perspectives on life still vary...and if the goal is to find someone with shared goals and values, well, even a church-sponsored activity (or a church-owned school!) is not necessarily sufficient. The simple fact is that, with our diverging and busy modern lifestyles, it is harder to meet like-minded people through routine activities...and this is why I think that online dating makes so much sense.

There is also a second reason why I support online dating.
I remember the day I told my mother that someone was going to come visit for the weekend (he lived in another state), that I had met him online, and that I had a feeling that this was someone important. (I actually already knew that I was going to marry him, but since we hadn't met in person yet, I wasn't ready to tell anyone that fact!) My mom just smiled and said "I know...and I think that seems like a very healthy way to get to know someone--focusing on the conversation and really getting to know each other instead of just going on some dates."

I agree with her. There is some safety in taking the online approach to getting to know people. I'm reminded of the puritan style of courtship, where the young man would come visit the girl in her home (with her siblings and parents in the room) and the would sit on either side of the fireplace and talk to each other through a "courtship tube." They were able to get to know each other on intellectual, spiritual, and social levels, without the distraction of physical intimacy (of whatever degree). I strongly believe that once the hormones come into play, the brain ends up on the bench. Hormones are fine, but when you're choosing a spouse, it's a good idea to make sure your brain is fully functional. As the saying goes, "keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterward."
Later generations utilized a "courtship bench" (as pictured) which allowed the young people to talk in a slightly more cozy manner, while still keeping enough of a barrier to assure the proper decorum. I think that the internet (used intelligently of course) can be the modern version of these chaste courtships.

Now obviously, without face-to-face meetings, it is possible for someone to misrepresent themselves. There are a few common sense things that one can do to protect themselves from the creeps who are out there, and one of those is to stick with dating sites which have built-in protections. The site I used did not allow us to post our email address, phone number, or exact location, and it had an internal instant messaging program, so that we did not have to share even that contact information until we felt comfortable withs someone. I do not have experience with many sites, but I do think that sites such as e-harmony are pretty good (the registration process is quite lengthy, and I don't think the average punk looking for an easy lay is going to bother with it). There are also sites that are religion-specific--LDSsingles worked for me. ☺

Motherhood Part III: Quiverfull

If you missed the other posts about motherhood, you can see them here:
Part I (on not delaying childbearing)
Part II (mother staying at home)
Part IV (for those who are childless)

Today in Part III you get to hear my thoughts on family planning. (Aren't you lucky?!)

Part I has a comprehensive list of links to my sources, but I've tried to include links for each individual quote as well. ☺ All italicized/indented portions of the post are quotes, boldfacing of course is mine.
I posted once before about the religious reasons behind having large families, but today's post has more depth, and lots more quotes.

~~~~~~~~

Whenever someone asks us how many kids we hope to have, Hubby smiles and says, "well, at least one more." This is because we don't know how many children we want. We know we'd like several, but how many that means we don't know. We have decided to just take it one child at a time, and see what feels right at the time.

"Children are an heritage of the Lord and . . . happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them" (Psalm 127: 3-5 ).

There is a recent movement, or rather, there is a recent name for an old movement, and it's called "being quiverfull." It comes from the scripture in Psalms that I quoted above. Being a quiverfull family does not mean that you have to have 20 children, or even 8, rather it means that you do your family planning with the Lord, and are open to accepting and raising as many children as He sees fit to send you. I know quiverfull families who have 4 children and families who have 23. I know quiverfull families that are growing slowly via biological means, and families that grow 2 or 4 children at a time via adoption. The point is not about how many children one has, but about the attitude with which one approaches family planning.

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. [link]

Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations. [link]

Whereas parents are obligated to teach their children, I would suggest that having several children can be a great help. Children learn by example, and having lots of examples is very helpful. (Might the older child teach the younger one something naughty? Well of course they might, but trust me that we oldest kids teach the younger ones a lot of good things too.) Also, I think that when the microcosm of your family has the diversity of multiple ages and personalities, it's a better preparation for life in the real world.

I have always loved the words of Solomon: "Children are an heritage of the Lord and . . . happy is the man [and woman] that hath [their] quiver full of them" (see Psalm 127: 3-5 ).
I know the special blessings of a large and happy family, for my dear parents had a quiver full of children. Being the oldest of eleven children, I saw the principles of unselfishness, mutual consideration, loyalty to each other, and a host of other virtues developed in a large and wonderful family with my noble mother as the queen of that home. ~ETBenson [link]

I come from a family of 9 children. I loved always having a sibling around--sure, sometimes they get on your nerves, but on the other hand when there are lots of siblings to choose from, it's pretty easy to just go away from the annoying one and play with somebody else instead. I had often thought that only children must be lonely, but I never realized it fully until my own son was an only child for over 6 years. Of course the first 3 of those were before Hubby and I met and married, but then it took us 3 years and several miscarriages before we moved up to being a two-kid family. I watched my son develop into a lonely child. He was accustomed to being the only kid in the house, and became pretty self-centered and demanding (more than I ever remember being at his age). In some ways he did not really grow up, because he was still 'the baby.' When we finally did have a second child, the transition was really hard for him. Obviously the spacing between our children was not of our preference, but if I had ever doubted the wisdom of having children closer together, my experiences suggest to me that having kids two or three years apart is easier on them than if they are 6 years apart.

Do not curtail the number of your children for personal or selfish reasons. Material possessions, social convenience, and so-called professional advantages are nothing compared to a righteous posterity. In the eternal perspective, children--not possessions, not position, not prestige--are our greatest jewels. ~ETBenson [link]

For anyone who argues that having a large family is just too expensive, I will tell you that the largest families I know are usually the most frugal. And no, that doesn't mean that everyone wears thrice-patched hand-me-downs and lives on beans and rice. It does mean that they grow gardens and take care of their things and learn to work hard....but I've always considered hard work, frugality, and carefulness to be virtues. I know lots of big families who live comfortably enough on one income, and often that one income is not particularly large. My dad is a school teacher. The question of 'affording children' is not about dollar amounts so much as it is about willingness to take what you have and just figure things out.
Kids from big families also learn how to get along with other people--it's a survival skill. They learn to be generous and considerate of others. They learn to be friends with people of a variety of ages; in other words, they learn what real life is like while they are still living at home. There are enough of them to help with fixing the meals and cleaning up the messes that they make--more important life skills. There are enough kids to form teams and play games or sports without having to wait for friends/neighbors to come over. Children from large families have built-in life-long friends no matter where they go or how often they move.
Kids from big families also get to be part of fun things like this.

Brigham Young emphasized: "There are multitudes of pure and holy spirits waiting to take tabernacles, now what is our duty?--To prepare tabernacles for them; to take a course that will not tend to drive those spirits into the families of the wicked, where they will be trained in wickedness, debauchery, and every species of crime. It is the duty of every righteous man and woman to prepare tabernacles for all the spirits they can" (Discourses of Brigham Young, p. 197).
Yes, blessed is the husband and wife who have a family of children. The deepest joys and blessings in life are associated with family, parenthood, and sacrifice. To have those sweet spirits come into the home is worth practically any sacrifice. ~ETBenson [link]

Now please trust me that I know from experience that some families will not be able to have as many children as others. Some may not be able to have any at all. Some of us miscarry, or have physical limitations or complications which prevent us from having many children (or any at all). Some have mental health issues which affect their ability to be parents. The point is not about how many children we have or how they come to us, no, the point of all these quotes is that we should not avoid children for selfish reasons like money, education, or social position. We should be open to having children, and to having as many as we are able (physically, mentally, etc).

We should make God part of our family planning--and we should plan to have families!

Motherhood Part II--Mother At Home

The Lord clearly defined the roles of mothers and fathers in providing for and rearing a righteous posterity. In the beginning, Adam--not Eve--was instructed to earn the bread by the sweat of his brow. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a mother's calling is in the home, not in the market place. ~Ezra Taft Benson

Today is Part II, if you missed Part I (about why we should not delay childbearing) click on over and read it. Parts III and IV are coming.
Part II focuses on why mother should be in the home rather than working outside of it.
I listed a number of links in part I--the quotes here continue to come from those sources. All italicized/indented portions of the post are quotes.
Go ahead and get comfortable--I think this one is even longer than part I. ☺

Motherhood is the greatest potential influence either for good or ill in human life. The mother's image is the first that stamps itself on the unwritten page of the young child's mind. It is her caress that first awakens a sense of security, her kiss, the first realization of affection; her sympathy and tenderness, the first assurance that there is love in the world. ~David O. McKay

The hand that rocks the cradle
is the hand that rules the world.
~ William Ross Wallace (1819-1881)

We know these things--that a mother has great influence on her children and that she, probably more than any other, carries the responsibility for setting them on the paths they will follow as adults. With this serious responsibility before us, it is a wonder to me that so many women hand their children off to others and leave the home to join the workforce.

Since the beginning, a woman’s first and most important role has been ushering into mortality spirit sons and daughters of our Father in Heaven. Since the beginning, her role has been to teach her children eternal gospel principles. She is to provide for her children a haven of security and love—regardless of how modest her circumstances might be.
In the beginning, Adam was instructed to earn the bread by the sweat of his brow—not Eve. Contrary to conventional wisdom, a mother’s place is in the home!
I recognize there are voices in our midst which would attempt to convince you that these truths are not applicable to our present-day conditions. If you listen and heed, you will be lured away from your principal obligations. Beguiling voices in the world cry out for “alternative life-styles” for women. They maintain that some women are better suited for careers than for marriage and motherhood. These individuals spread their discontent by the propaganda that there are more exciting and self-fulfilling roles for women than homemaking. Some even have been bold to suggest that the Church move away from the “Mormon woman stereotype” of homemaking and rearing children. They also say it is wise to limit your family so you can have more time for personal goals and self-fulfillment. ~ETBenson [link]

Did you notice that bit? The "propaganda" of there being acceptable womens roles other than homemaking? I have no doubt that that was an intentional word choice--and all the negativity that goes along with it is something we should pay attention to. Yes, those voices are many and they are growing louder, but they are wrong!

[Women] are to become a career woman in the greatest career on earth--that of homemaker, wife, and mother. It was never intended by the Lord that married women should compete with men in employment. They have a far greater and more important service to render.
The husband is expected to support his family and only in an emergency should a wife secure outside employment. Her place is in the home, to build the home into a haven of delight.
Numerous divorces can be traced directly to the day when the wife left the home and went out into the world into employment. Two incomes raise the standard of living beyond its norm. Two spouses working prevent the complete and proper home life, break into the family prayers, create an independence which is not cooperative, causes distortion, limits the family, and frustrates the children already born. ~Spencer W. Kimball [link]

In a home where there is an able-bodied husband, he is expected to be the breadwinner. Sometimes we hear of husbands who, because of economic conditions, have lost their jobs and expect their wives to go out of the home and work even though the husband is still capable of providing for his family. In these cases, we urge the husband to do all in his power to allow his wife to remain in the home caring for the children while he continues to provide for his family the best he can, even though the job be is able secure may not be ideal and family budgeting will have to be tighter. ~ETBenson [link]

Let me tell you my own experiences with this. Before I was married, I earned a degree as a school teacher. I graduated mid-year and spent the next few months substituting full-time. I really enjoyed teaching--it was challenging and stimulating and fun. I planned to continue down that path, but then I got married. As most of my readers probably know, Wolf was 3 when Hubby and I married, so I never had those childless days of early marriage. Since there was a child in the home, I came home too. Hubby was finishing his last few college classes, and money was very tight. I was able to find a job with a local theatre company sewing costumes (from home). It was erratic work though, and after a year or so I had to quit. Hubby was taking classes three days a week, and we decided that on the days he was not in school, one of us should be working. I had my teaching certificate and he did not have his yet, so we figured I could earn more money and he should stay home with Wolf on those days. I signed up to be a substitute teacher with the local school district. This was right before Christmas break, and within a few days I was scheduled for every available day until break.
On my first day of subbing I spent most of the day fretting that I really needed to get home and do the laundry and wash dishes and other housewifely things. Meanwhile, hanging out at home with a four-year-old and no car for six hours, Hubby got stir-crazy. He ordered pizza for lunch because he couldn't figure out what to cook (in spite of the pantry full of food), and the minute I got home he said he just needed to get out of the house for a little while and he went for a drive. Now I do not tell this story to make fun of my Hubby, or to suggest that he can't handle the house (because he really can); I tell the story to illustrate that there is something hard-wired into men and women. Men need to be out and doing things; and while a single woman can find great enjoyment in being out, a mother will be more fulfilled if she is where she belongs: at home. I enjoyed teaching when I was single; I never imagined it would be so different after only a year, but it was. (For the record, after Christmas break Hubby got signed up and he started subbing on the days he was not in school. My out-of-state license meant that I got the same wage as an unlicensed teacher, so I wasn't earning any more than Hubby anyway, and I hated being gone and he hated being home while I was gone, so it was a very simple decision.)

I can understand that the decision feels much harder in cases where the wife is earning more than her husband can, but some things are more important than money, and so I strongly encourage any mother who works outside the home to prayerfully evaluate her options, and to try to come home.

It is a fundamental truth that the responsibilities of motherhood cannot be successfully delegated. No, not to day-care centers, not to schools, not to nurseries, not to babysitters.
We become enamored with men’s theories such as the idea of preschool training outside the home for young children. Not only does this put added pressure on the budget, but it places young children in an environment away from mother’s influence.
Too often the pressure for popularity, on children and teens, places an economic burden on the income of the father, so mother feels she must go to work to satisfy her children’s needs. That decision can be most shortsighted. It is mother’s influence during the crucial formative years that forms a child’s basic character. Home is the place where a child learns faith, feels love, and thereby learns from mother’s loving example to choose righteousness. How vital are mother’s influence and teaching in the home—and how apparent when neglected! I do not wish to wound any feelings, but all of us are aware of instances of active Latter-day Saint families who are experiencing difficulties with their children because mother is not where she ought to be—in the home. A recent national magazine gave these alarming figures: “More than 14 million children ages 6 to 13 now have working mothers, and it is estimated that a third of them are unsupervised for lengthy periods each day.” (U.S. News and World Report, 14 Sept. 1981, p. 42.) The seeds of divorce are often sown and the problems of children begin when mother works outside the home. You mothers should carefully count the cost before you decide to share breadwinning responsibilities with your husbands. It is a truism that children need more of mother than of money. ~ETBenson [link]

Children are meant to be with their mothers, it's that simple.
I find it interesting that back in 1972 President Kimball said that having two incomes "raises the standard of living above the norm." While two incomes may now be considered 'normal,' I would venture to say that having two incomes still creates an inflated standard of living. President Hinckley referred to "extravagances." If you have read this post (or this one or this one) you will realize that I classify a great many 'normal' things as 'extravagances.'
Incidentally, I have seen studies indicating that when a woman goes to work, most if not all of her income is eaten up by the expenses of her job (additional taxes, her work wardrobe, vehicle, gas money, childcare, etc), so I would venture to say that a second income may not be so much income as hassle.

It is well-nigh impossible to be a full-time homemaker and a full-time employee.
~Gordon B Hinckley

If mother will come home, not only will she find that there is plenty to keep her busy and stimulated, but being a mother and homemaker is also very fulfilling. I was raised by a stay at home mother who taught me domestic skills, and for this I am eternally grateful (you've heard me say before that my mother is one in a hundred million). Those who were not raised in homes where they saw these things may have a harder time adjusting to the lifestyle, but that does not make it any less ideal. Sure, the work of keeping a home can get tiring, monotonous, and dull, but the children never do. And while I suspect that every mother has those days where she goes a little crazy, well, I'm pretty sure that working women get them too, and I'm positive that working mothers get them twice as much as anybody else (because they are trying to do two things at once, and that just never works very well).
For those mothers who are inclined to stay home so long as their children are small, but are considering going to work as soon as the youngest enters school, please pay special attention to the end of this next quote.

To you young women with small children, yours is a tremendous challenge. So often there is not enough money. You must scrimp and save. You must be wise and careful in your expenditures. You must be strong and bold and brave and march forward with gladness in your eye and love in your heart. How blessed you are, my dear young mothers. You have children who will be yours forever... Nothing else you will ever own, no worldly thing you will ever acquire will be worth so much as the love of your children. God bless you, my dear, dear young mothers.
Then we have you older women who are neither young nor old. You are in the most wonderful season of your lives. Your children are in their teens. Possibly one or two are married. Some are on missions, and you are sacrificing to keep them in the field. You are hoping and praying for their success and happiness. To you dear women I offer some special counsel. Count your blessings; name them one by one. You don’t need a great big mansion of a house with an all-consuming mortgage that goes on forever. You do need a comfortable and pleasant home where love abides. Someone has said that there is no more beautiful picture than that of a good woman cooking a meal for those she loves. Weigh carefully that which you do. You do not need some of the extravagances that working outside the home might bring. Weigh carefully the importance of your being in the home when your children come from school. ~GBHinckley [link]

The act of deserting home in order to shape society is like thoughtlessly removing crucial fingers from an imperiled dike in order to teach people to swim.

~Neal A Maxwell

(I'm going to wait just a moment while you go back and re-read that last quote there. It hits like a ton of bricks, doesn't it?)

Of course there are occasional exceptions, and our prophets have spoken to this as well:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed. [link]

I am aware that many of you often find yourselves in circumstances that are not always ideal... I recognize that some sisters are widowed or divorced....I also recognize that not all women in the Church will have an opportunity for marriage and motherhood in mortality. But if you in this situation are worthy and endure faithfully, you can be assured of all blessings from a kind and loving Heavenly Father—and I emphasize all blessings.
Solutions for you who are in a minority are not the same as for the majority of women in the Church who can and should be fulfilling their roles as wives and mothers. It is a misguided idea that a woman should leave the home, where there is a husband and children, to prepare educationally and financially for an unforeseen eventuality. Too often, I fear, even women in the Church use the world as their standard for success and basis for self-worth. ~ETBenson [link]

It is well-nigh impossible to be a full-time homemaker and a full-time employee. I know how some of you struggle with decisions concerning this matter. I repeat, do the very best you can. You know your circumstances, and I know that you are deeply concerned for the welfare of your children. Each of you has a bishop who will counsel with you and assist you. If you feel you need to speak with an understanding woman, do not hesitate to get in touch with your Relief Society president. ~GBHinckley [link]

President Hinckley was always especially understanding of those few who are exceptions to the rule...however, I strongly urge you to never assume that you are the exception. Do everything within your power to avoid working outside the home--even in cases where the mother needs to contribute to the family finances, I would propose that it's preferable to find work that can be done from home, or to at least stagger work schedules with your husband so that you do not have to send your children off to babysitters or daycare. This is one reason why I have chosen the career options that I have (teaching, sewing at home and selling online, and childbirth education): these things will allow me the maximum amount of time with my children if I ever have to rely on them to support my family. I do not by any means suggest that other career paths are inferior, I just want to clarify that one of my criteria in choosing my career options was something that would allow me to still be with my children.

Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power. ~JBBeck [link]

I conclude with a link back to President Benson's list of ten ways a mother can spend effective time with her children (because the list is so good it warranted it's own post!)

A Little Advice on Valentines Day

Just the other day Hubby and I were talking about this, and he commented what a helpful thing it is in our marriage, so I thought I would share it with you. At my bridal shower I was given a CD set that had a series (I think 4) speeches directed to young couples. I cannot remember the speaker's name, and a lot of his advice was stuff I've heard elsewhere--talking about different love language styles and that sort of thing. But somewhere in there he made a recommendation that we took to heart. It's very simple, but very far-reaching:

Always take each other's words at face value.

That's it.
No subtext, no need to try to interpret what the other person meant, just always take each other's words at face value.
So, for example, if my husband asks me a question "would you like to go to a movie tonight?" or "is it cool if I go out with my friends tonight?" or "are ya feelin frisky?!" then I could answer "yes!" or I could answer "[sigh] yeah, [sniff] sure" and the answer is the same. If I said yes, then he can take it as yes, and it doesn't matter how I said it. AND, if he wants to go out with his friends, and I say sure, then he can go out and not feel guilty. If I don't want him to go, I'd better actually say that I am tired and don't feel up to taking care of the kids alone tonight and could he go another night, or at least help with bedtime and then go later.
Alternately, if I don't say something, then he can't be expected to know what I was thinking. None of this silliness with dropping hints or expecting him to know what I want. I can make his favorite dinner and wear his favorite color and get the kids to bed early, but unless I actually say "hey baby, I'm feelin frisky tonight" then I can't take it personally if he settles in with his book. And I can comment about being tired and sore but unless I actually say "would you give me a backrub?" then he can't be expected to do so. Sure, he might offer, but I can't get upset if he doesn't, because I never asked.

The speaker in those original CDs told a story of a man who would sit at the dinner table and stare at the mashed potatoes, but never ask for them. He wanted someone to pass them, but he would not ask "because it means more if I don't have to ask." [Yes, take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor...and then ask yourself when was the last time you expected your partner to know what you wanted without specifically saying so? Not so different is it?!]

Now I am inclined to be a pretty honest person anyway, so this has never been hard for me. I don't think it's really been hard for Hubby either. The thing is, because we have a formal agreement about it, neither one of us ever has to waste time trying to figure out what the other meant, or wondering if there was some subtext that we missed. There is no manipulation (and whether we mean to or not, a lot of us manipulate our family members to some degree). There is no guilt. Sometimes there is frustration when I realize that I really should have given him a different answer, BUT I don't get upset with him because he trusted what I said, and that is entirely fair. I just make a mental note to respond more accurately next time. ☺

Obviously for this to work you both have to agree to it, but I would hope that any married couple would be able to handle making a goal together. ☺ I honestly believe that this decision of ours is one of the things that is going to carry us through the hard times in the coming decades. ♥

Sure, we still joke around with each other, and we're sarcastic from time to time--but when we're actually trying to communicate with each other, we say what we mean without subtext or needing to interpret hidden meanings. It's very liberating. I highly recommend it.

Motherhood Part I--Why Kids Can't Wait

No more sacred word exists in secular or holy writ than that of mother. There is no more noble work than that of a good and God-fearing mother.
~Ezra Taft Benson

I have been thinking about this post for some time, and I have a lot to say, so I'm dividing it into several posts:
Part I (this post)--the importance of being a mother--ie, not delaying childbearing
Part II--why mother should be in the home rather than working outside of it
Part III--thoughts on family planning and full quivers
Part IV--for those who cannot have kids (due to singleness or infertility)

I would like to begin with a list of links to talks given by prophets, apostles, and other church leaders about woman's divine role in God's Plan. I quote from them liberally here, boldfacing phrases that I find particularly significant, and occasionally adding commentary of my own. All italicized/indented parts are quotes.

• Ezra Taft Benson "To the Mothers in Zion"
• Ezra Taft Benson "The Honored Place of Woman"
• Spencer W Kimball "Beginning Life Together" (counsel to an engaged couple)
• Gordon Be Hinckley "To the Women of the Church"
  
• "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"
• Sheri L Dew "We Are Women of God"
  
• Neal A Maxwell "The Women of God"
  
• Julie B Beck "Mothers Who Know"
  
• Julie B Beck "Standing Strong and Immovable"

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. [link]

Does it get any more clear than that?!

Young mothers and fathers, with all my heart I counsel you not to postpone having your children, being co-creators with our Father in heaven.
Do not use the reasoning of the world, such as, "We'll wait until we can better afford having children, until we are more secure, until John has completed his education, until he has a better paying job, until we have a larger home, until we've obtained a few of the material conveniences," and on and on. This is the reasoning of the world and is not pleasing in the sight of God. Mothers who enjoy good health, have your children and have them early. And, husbands, always be considerate of your wives in the bearing children.
Yes, blessed is the husband and wife who have a family of children. The deepest joys and blessings in life are associated with family, parenthood, and sacrifice. To have those sweet spirits come into the home is worth practically any sacrifice. ~ETBenson [link]

I just want to say that, as someone who assumed that children would come quickly and easily, I have had a rude awakening. If you want children 'someday' I would encourage you to pray about making that day today. You may think that you can plan children when you want them, but there is a good chance that it will be more complicated than you think. It may take you months or years to get pregnant, even if you are aware of your fertile times and 'doing everything right.' You may get pregnant easily but then miscarry. You may miscarry several times. You may not be able to conceive at all. If you are unable to have biological children, the adoption process can take years. Once you do have a child, you may find you are fertile again within weeks, or you may be like me: not ovulating again for nearly two years. And so I say again, you cannot really plan your children, which I think is all the more reason to be willing to welcome them now rather than later...because you just never know how long it will take or what will be involved.

Women find true happiness when they understand and delight in their unique role within the plan of salvation. The things women can and should do very best are championed and taught without apology here. We believe in the formation of eternal families. That means we believe in getting married. We know that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. That means we believe in having children. We have faith that with the Lord’s help we can be successful in rearing and teaching children. These are vital responsibilities in the plan of happiness, and when women embrace those roles with all their hearts, they are happy! Knowing and defending the truth about families is the privilege of every sister in this Church.
Because families are eternal, we cannot afford to be casual or complacent about those relationships. Much of the great work of this society in the past has been centered in helping Latter-day Saint women strengthen families, with emphasis on improving our nurturing skills—homemaking skills, parenting skills, and marriage skills. Families mean work, but they are our great work—and we are not afraid of work. This is what we do best; no one does families better than the sisters of this Relief Society. ~JBBeck [link]

As President McKay said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home," and so I would add that no other success can compete with the fulfillment of parenthood. You cannot fully understand until you have children--maturity does not come with age, it comes with parenthood. Hubby and I have had several discussions with childless friends, and regardless of their age, we observe in them a twinge of selfish immaturity...I think it is because they have never engaged in the full selflessness required for parenthood. It IS a big job, it IS overwhelming--often so--but it is so worth it!

Mothers who know desire to bear children. Whereas in many cultures in the world children are “becoming less valued,” in the culture of the gospel we still believe in having children. Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that “in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.” Faithful daughters of God desire children.
In the scriptures we read of Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, and Mary, who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child, the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection. Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood. ~JBBeck [link]

If we insist on spending all our time and resources building up [a] worldly kingdom, that is exactly what we will inherit.
~Spencer W Kimball

Prophets have admonished us to forsake the world and turn our hearts to Jesus Christ, who promised us, “In this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full” (D&C 101:36; emphasis added). Said President Spencer W. Kimball, “If we insist on spending all our time and resources building up … a worldly kingdom, that is exactly what we will inherit” (“The False Gods We Worship,” Ensign, June 1976, 6). How often are we so focused on pursuing the so-called good life that we lose sight of eternal life? It is the fatal spiritual equivalent of selling our birthright for a mess of pottage.
As sisters in Zion we can be obstacles to the adversary’s conspiracy against families and virtue. No wonder he tempts us to settle for earthly pleasures rather than to seek for eternal glory.~SLDew [link]

It is precisely because the daughters of Zion are so uncommon that the adversary will not leave them alone.
We salute you, sisters...[you], more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word 'self' is militantly placed before other words like 'fulfillment.' You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.
So often our sisters comfort others when their own needs are greater than those being comforted. That quality is like the generosity of Jesus on the cross. Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! I thank the Father that His Only Begotten Son did not say in defiant protest at Calvary, “My body is my own!” I stand in admiration of women today who resist the fashion of abortion, by refusing to make the sacred womb a tomb! When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this. ~NAMaxwell [link]

Before the world was created, in heavenly councils the pattern and role of women were prescribed. You were elected by God to be wives and mothers in Zion. Exaltation in the celestial kingdom is predicated on faithfulness to that calling.
Since the beginning, a woman’s first and most important role has been ushering into mortality spirit sons and daughters of our Father in Heaven.
I recognize there are voices in our midst which would attempt to convince you that these truths are not applicable to our present-day conditions. If you listen and heed, you will be lured away from your principal obligations. Beguiling voices in the world cry out for “alternative life-styles” for women. They maintain that some women are better suited for careers than for marriage and motherhood. These individuals spread their discontent by the propaganda...
I am aware that many of you often find yourselves in circumstances that are not always ideal... I recognize that not all women in the Church will have an opportunity for marriage and motherhood in mortality. But if you in this situation are worthy and endure faithfully, you can be assured of all blessings from a kind and loving Heavenly Father—and I emphasize all blessings.
Solutions for you who are in a minority are not the same as for the majority of women in the Church who can and should be fulfilling their roles as wives and mothers... Too often, I fear, even women in the Church use the world as their standard for success and basis for self-worth. ~ETBenson [link]

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I just want to add a little note here in response to a couple of comments...
It is true that not everyone should have babies immediately after getting married (and neither I nor the church condones having babies outside of marriage). For some couples it might be appropriate to wait a little while because health or emotional issues or whatever need to be resolved before they can be good parents. This is why I said that people should "pray about making that day today" and to "be willing to welcome [children] now."
We are not put here just to be baby makin machines ☺ but we should be willing to have children on God's schedule--whatever that may be--rather than trying to call all the shots ourselves.
I confess that (having heard/read these kinds of quotes) I was pretty judgmental in my teens when I saw girls just a few years older than myself get married and then wait 2 or 3 or 5 years before having kids. Then I got married and in spite of our best efforts I did not have a baby for over 3 years--I learned that what people see on the outside is rarely a good indication of what is really going on, and yes, I learned to not be so judgmental. ☺