On raising children

Do not try to control your children. 

Instead, listen to them, 

help them to learn the gospel, 

inspire them, 

and lead them toward eternal life. 

You are God’s agents in the care of children 

He has entrusted to you. 

Let His divine influence remain in your hearts 

as you 

teach and persuade. 

~Russell M. Nelson

I'm pretty sure I've said things like this before. Over and over and over. But Elder Nelson says it pretty. :)

The Na-na is Sleeping

I'm weaning Eagle. He'll be 2 next month and I'm ready for it. We've dealt with chronic thrush on and off for nearly a year (I nearly weaned him a couple of times) and I think we may just be giving it back and forth to each other. I need to start sleeping through the night and he's old enough to do so too.

I was going to wean him in conjunction with our move--I did that with Bear and it worked quite well. But it was not working well for Eagle. Perhaps it was because he was 6 months younger than Bear had been, and perhaps it was because this was a much higher stress transition, but he seemed to really need the comfort and attachment (and I did not have the energy to stick to non-nursing comfort measures) so that fell through.
I still wanted to wean him around his birthday, but wasn't sure how best to go about it.

Then I came across the book Nursies When the Sun Shines, which was written by a mama who was nightweaning her toddler. Basically she explained to her daughter that the nursies (or, as Eagle calls it, "na-na") goes to sleep when the sun goes to sleep. She used this method for nightweaning, but as soon as I saw it I realized that it would help us for full weaning.
Because we live in the arctic! So by late november or early december we won't have any real daylight at all. The sun will sleep 24/7. (Technically at solstice we have two hours between sunrise and sunset, but it doesn't amount to much light.) Following the light and dark seems better than picking an arbitrary day (like his birthday) and going cold turkey then.

So we've been going on a couple of weeks now, We started just after equinox, with nearly equal parts light and dark. We change by 7-8 minutes per day. On Sep 30 (the first day), sunrise was just before 9am and sunset was just after 8pm. Today sunrise is 9:45 and sunset at 7:30 (you can see a full calendar of the times here if you're curious). The first week we mostly focused on not nursing at night. Some nights went better than others, but he's adjusted pretty well, especially because he knows that he can still have na-na in the daytime. It's simple to just point to the window and show him that it's dark, and he'll cuddle up and accept it. He has been nursing more during the day, but I expected that. This last week we've been cutting out the bedtime nursing, as it's getting dark right about bedtime and if we're running late or he's not feeling sleepy then he may get pre-bedtime na-na, but it's gone to sleep before he does, so he can't nurse to sleep. We have had a couple of late nights and more than a few tears, but I know they are only tears of frustration (he's held and cuddled and has a water bottle and so on) and he is learning to go back to sleep without nursing.

I definitely feel better about doing this gradually and with a toddler than I would with a younger child. I still hold to all my reasons for extended breastfeeding, and I'm glad we stuck it out in spite of teeth and thrush and all the rest. Sometimes I feel guilty for pushing my kids to wean when they still love nursing, but I know that by age 2 their need for it changes to a want. And after two years my want for sleeping through the night I think validly becomes a need (especially with grad school and all those kids I babysit!). He's not a baby anymore, he'll be alright.

Ain't Nobody Perfect

Recently a friend of mine watched my kids (all three of them) for a few hours while my husband and I were dealing with moving-related stuff. When we got back, she pulled me aside and apologized. She said she felt like she hadn’t been a great parent to them all (my kids and hers), as she had gotten frustrated and yelled at them a couple of times. She clarified that she had yelled at everybody, not picking on anyone in particular, but she still felt badly about it. I should back up and mention that we had been staying with them for several days, and all the kids had gotten each other riled up multiple times and everybody was getting on everybody elses nerves to some degree I think. In any case, I told her that I was on my last nerves too and that I certainly didn’t think any less of her as a person or as a parent for yelling at kids sometimes. She said that she has this perception of me as “an enigma of good parenting” and she was sure she wasn’t measuring up to how I would have handled things if I had been there.

If her concern had not been so serious, I might have laughed. Me? An enigma of good parenting? Oh boy.
So I’m here today to set the record straight.

I have a lot of ideas and beliefs about parenting, many of which I share here on my blog. These are things I genuinely believe in and genuinely try to do.

These are also things I fail at regularly.

I take the time to think about things, and try to come up with what I feel is the best way to raise and guide my children. But habits and frustrations and mental blanks at stressful moments all leave me doing things which are very much not within the realm of my ideals.

In other words, I yell at my kids plenty. Theoretically I speak with them calmly afterward, apologizing for yelling and trying to help them appreciate my frustration and work on a solution in a more peaceable manner… but honestly there are some times when I do that and other times when I feel entirely justified in yelling at a kid who knows better but is doing ______ for the umpteenth time anyway. I’m just human, just like we all are. Some things I’m good at, others I’m working on. But I’m not perfect at anything.

I told my friend I did not think less of her as a person or as a parent for having yelled at the kids. Based on what I’ve seen of her parenting, if she yelled at my kids then they probably earned it. And when we got home I took all the kids for a couple of hours and she got to go have some quiet time to herself browsing the bookstore for a while.
We all try. We all have epic fails at least part of the time. The point is not whether we fail, but whether we get up and try again.

25 Manners Every Kid Should Know by Age 9?

I saw this link shared on facebook recently:
25 Manners Every Kid Should Know by Age 9
I thought oh cool, someone out there saying that our kids should actually have manners! My husband and I both are regularly upset by the rudeness that we see among young people toward their teachers, parents, and friends. It's disgusting.
But then I went and actually read the list at the link.
And I was not happy folks.

Some of the manners are good:  
When asking for something, say "Please." (#1)
When receiving something, say "Thank you." (#2)
Knock on closed doors -- and wait to see if there's a response -- before entering (#10) (I  have a couple of kids who need to work on this one...then again, daddy and mommy need to work on this one too, so it's no wonder is it?!)

Others of the manners were also good in theory, but were a little overdone, such as #19 (As you walk through a door, look to see if you can hold it open for someone else.) Sure, that's nice, but is it essential? I don't really think so.
Or #16 (Even if a play or an assembly is boring, sit through it quietly and pretend that you are interested. The performers and presenters are doing their best.) I would have said that you should sit still and quiet and not be disruptive of others, but if you're bored, I honestly don't care if you pretend to pay attention. Just don't distract anyone else, and don't say anything rude afterward.
And how about #24 (Keep a napkin on your lap; use it to wipe your mouth when necessary.) Um, I don't put a napkin in my lap unless I'm at a restaurant. Actually, I keep a damp washcloth at the table--I use it for the baby, and anyone else is welcome to use it for messy fingers too. At the end of dinner, we wash our hands in the sink when we clear our plates. Honestly? Napkins in laps for children under 9? Who wrote this?!

Finally, though, were a few items on the list that I found deeply troubling. It's not because the advice was bad per se, but it was either patronizing to the child, or didn't give the child respect equal to an adult. As my readers know, I have a real problem with both of those things. Here are the two that most particularly bothered me:
#3 Do not interrupt grown-ups who are speaking with each other unless there is an emergency. They will notice you and respond when they are finished talking.

Do I like interrupting? No. But this is something that needs to be taught by example. The wording of "do not interrupt grown-ups" makes it very clear that grown-ups conversations get precedent over young people's conversations. They should not. They should be equal. I think it's appropriate for an adult to say "just a minute" and I think it's appropriate for a child to wait a minute for the adult to finish what they are saying...but it is plain old rude for an adult to ramble on and ignore a child who is standing there clearly wanting to say something. AND, it's equally appropriate for an adult to wait a minute for a child to finish what they are saying, and so on.
#6 The world is not interested in what you dislike. Keep negative opinions to yourself, or between you and your friends, and out of earshot of adults.
Pardon me, I just threw up a little bit. (Oh, wait, was that a negative opinion?!) Just that first sentence gives one message loud and clear "the world is not interested in you or what you think." I find that deeply offensive. Do we or do we not want to teach our children to respect others? Do we or do we not want our children to develop confidence in themselves? Trust of their own abilities and feelings? Don't ever tell my kid that the world is not interested in him! Go ahead and tell him that you have different preferences, or even that you're not interested in a specific topic. That's ok. That's opinion. But don't tell him that his interests and opinions are invalid!  And as for the negativity, I always start by telling my kids that you can't have an opinion about a thing unless you are educated about it. If it's a food, you can't dislike it until you've eaten some. If it's a book, you can't be uninterested until you've read a few chapters. If it's an activity, try it before you decide to hate it. I don't generally force them to try things, incidentally (I do encourage, but not force), they're just not allowed to voice an opinion if they haven't tried it. I also ask my kids to not speak negative opinions in front of siblings who might be influenced by it (ie, Bear learns to hate tomatoes because Wolf says they're gross). But if my son wants to come to me privately and express his frustration or dislike about something, he is entitled to do that. Everyone is entitled to an (informed) opinion, and if my kids can't share with me, who can they share with?!


To end on a better note, I also read a great parenting blog post this week: Ten Ways to Confuse a Child. Go check it out. ☺
Also, I've added a section to my "my parenting philosophy" index page, so now as well as linking to the many posts that I have written, it also has links to outside posts and articles that I thought were particularly good. 

Yes We Cry

I have always told my children that it's ok to cry. (Have I ever mentioned that I have all boys? And that the societal standard is "be a big boy now, don't cry!" Well I refuse to buy it.) Everybody gets hurt sometimes, and everybody has a right to cry if they need to. Or to cry if they want to. And who am I to dictate whether or not an injury (physical, emotional, or otherwise) is big enough for crying?
So I don't.
My boys all know that it's ok to cry if we need to. They also all know that sometimes we need to go to a different space (for example, to our bedroom) if our crying is loud and disturbing other people. But it is always ok to cry.

Right now my 4-year-old is in an emotionally volatile stage, and has meltdowns over being given the wrong color of cup for his milk, or if the milk was not filled to a precise height within the cup, or if someone looked at him funny, (or breathed in his general direction...). I recognize all these things as being petty little things, but if he feels that they warrant crying then I'm not going to squelch his emotions. I'd rather he let it out than learn to be emotionally constipated. However, he also knows that his outbursts are not something that the rest of us want to listen to. At present he usually decides to cry, and then hops up and runs to his room before he bursts out with the wailing. Even when I know the crying is not genuine, I am not willing to tell him that he's not allowed to feel. He'll outgrow the meltdowns, but he should never have to outgrow being able to express his feelings.
So in this house, yes, we cry.

Gentle Parenting Question

I got this comment on one of my parenting posts last week, and while I don't know if I can give a really good answer, I will try. I would love it if any of my readers have ideas for this mama and would like to leave comments for her as well.


My son (3 next month) was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes last year and has to have his blood tested and get insulin injections before and after he eats. That's the reality--he HAS to have it done. Understandably, he hates it. And it's just getting harder and harder to get him to willingly comply. Being almost 3 isn't helping our situation, either!
I've started giving him a fuzzy in a jar every time he cooperates, but I hate bribing him. And, I know that it's bribing him and not really teaching him, but I don't know what else to do! We let him choose what finger to test, where to give his insulin shots, we sing songs to him while we give him his shots and let him choose those, we try to explain to him why he has to have it done (my husband also has type 1 diabetes so he's got someone else around to relate to), and we try to explain (as much as you can to a 3 year old!) that he can't eat until he has his blood checked, and that he'll feel yucky if he doesn't have a shot of insulin after he eats. I honestly don't know what else I can do to make it easier on all of us. Help!
I know that it could potentially get easier as he gets older and starts to understand a little more, but until then, I need suggestions on what I can do as a parent to avoid bribing him to do something he has to do. Thanks so much, and sorry this came out so long! 

Firstly, this is a hard one. I've never had to face something quite like this. I think the most similar thing I can think of is vaccinations and my son (of similar age) hates them, but that's one poke and then several months before another one...he hates them and cries but it's over fast and then we don't have to do it again for a while. Having to do it multiple times a day, every day, is a whole different ballgame.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't have any real experience to draw from, so I'm just theorizing here about what I would try in that kind of situation.

Firstly, I'm so glad that you care about how you do this. That right there is an indication that you're respecting your son and his perspective, and that is important. Obviously the pokes and shots are a medical need for him, but you're trying to do it as gently as possible (both emotionally and physically). I don't know your son or his personality, but here is a list of things I might try:

• Since daddy has to test too, can they test together? Make it a team thing! Maybe daddy can do his own poke at the exact moment that mommy does son's poke. This was the very first idea I thought of. A lot of kids are more willing to do something if they don't feel like they're doing it alone.
• All the choices seem like a good thing--picking which finger and which songs and so on. At his age that much choice might be a little overwhelming though (adding stress to the situation). Again, depending on the kid...it might be better to have always the same song but let him pick which finger for example. I might just pick a default backup song, so offer him the choice but if he doesn't want to choose then you have one of your own ready to go.
• Kids thrive on routine, so definitely have a routine about it. It sounds like you have some good things in place. I find that the location--sitting on the same chair--can also be helpful (my baby goes to sleep most easily if I sit on the chair in my room rather than anywhere else...it's just his routine and in his head that chair means sleeping time)
• Explaining why is important. Keep doing that. He has a right to know why, even if he doesn't understand yet. Is he friendly with strangers? Perhaps the doctor would be willing to explain it at the next appointment (validate what mom and dad have been saying). Sometimes it helps to hear it from multiple sources.
• Try distraction--this often helps for painful things. Can you get talking about a topic he really likes, or give him a favorite toy to play with while you do the shots? If his mind is elsewhere, then he'll feel the pain of the poke but won't have the mental stress of the anticipation. (Part of me feels like this would be trickery, to surprise them like that...but where he knows it has to be done, and you're just distracting him from the moment, it seems like a compassionate option.)
• He might be a little young for this, but try making a chart. Not a rewards chart, just a checklist chart. Make a place to mark (or put a sticker) before/after each meal, to mark that you did the test/insulin. Every time he puts up the sticker, he knows that it will be a few hours before he has to do it again. It is similar to the warm fuzzies jar idea, but neither needs to be considered a 'bribe' per se I think unless the jarful of fuzzies can be exchanged for a toy or trip to the park or something...if the jar is just a jar then maybe it's just part of the routine.
• How much damage would it do for him to skip the insulin shot once? To experience the yukky feeling? One of my children is a 'school of hard knocks' kid and seems to need to experience things before they set in to his brain. If you did that once, then afterward you could remind him how yukky it feels to skip the shot, so that the shot is the better option even though it hurts too.
• Is he bothered by the blood of the finger poke? Or is he one of those boys who thinks blood is cool? Maybe there's a way to let him 'play' with that blood drop. Can he be more active in putting it in the monitor (does it have a 'start' button that he could press for example?)
• I suspect that you usually utilize pressure to stop the bleeding on his finger, rather than the expense of bandaids every day... However at that age kids don't leave on bandaids very long, and they also seem to really like the pictures. After Bear's last shot he adored the "batman sticker" that the nurse had put on the spot, and kept dropping his pants to show anyone and everyone the batman on his leg. I don't know what your budget is like, but perhaps investing in some cool bandaids that he can put on his fingers (at least for the times when it's a bad poke or extra hurty) might help. He could help you pick out which bandaids to buy. That too could be construed as bribing I guess, but in my opinion at least having some bandaids on hand for wounds is just compassionate care, something applied in the moment if needed, rather than something used ahead of time to entice him to compliance.

I hope some of those are helpful. And as I said before, if any of my other readers have ideas, please comment! I'm sure this sweet mama will appreciate them!

"Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn

...the trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes.

"Like most things that we and the people around us do constantly, the use of rewards has come to seem so natural and inevitable that merely to post the question why are we doing this? can strike us as perplexing--and also, perhaps, a little unsettling" (13-14).

Punishing kids is bad, spanking and time-outs and yelling damage their self-esteem and make them resentful, right? So how do we get them to do what we want them to do? Rewards! It's the magic answer for a parent who wants to be positive! Sticker charts, bonuses to the allowance, penny jars, praise... focus on the positive and they will do those things more, right? After all, the rats in the studies did!

But humans are not rats.

"...our everyday practices rest on an implicit theory of human nature that fails to do us justice. When we repeatedly promise rewards...we are assuming that [the person] could not or would not choose to act this way on their own. If the capacity for responsible action, the natural love of learning, and the desire to do good work are already part of who we are, then the tacit assumption to the contrary can fairly be described as dehumanizing" (26).

This is the second Alfie Kohn book I have read. The other, Unconditional Parenting, I loved and hated at the same time. It challenged much of what I thought about parenting--much of what I thought about human nature--and yet it felt very right. (His books are quite dense and take some time to get through, which I think makes them a little tiring...but it was worth the three library renewals to get through this one!)

I took notes as I read this book,  so rather than try to re-write everything from the book, I'm mostly going to just give you a copy of my notes. ☺

A Few Facts about Rewards (based on scientific studies--which he quotes extensively) 

• Rewards are effective for getting a dependent being to do something (anyone who is not truly, fully dependent on you will stop responding to the reward)
• Rewards are effective only for as long as the reward lasts
• Rewards are effective at inducing compliance in the present (but not at instilling morals or ethics)
• Rewards damage relationships. Peers compete, lack teamwork, and blame each other for failures. In the relationship between rewarder and rewardee the unequal status is solidified.
• "Rewards are not actually solutions at all; they are gimmicks, shortcuts, quick fixes that mask problems and ignore reasons. They never look below the surface [to ascertain the cause or source of the behavior, nor solve it]" (60).
• "When we are working for a reward, we do exactly what is necessary to get it and no more" (63).
• Rewards diminish motivation, therefore "extrinsic motivators are most dangerous when offered for something we want children to WANT to do" (87).

The most notable aspect of a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment" (102).I talked about this idea (of judging) in this post. I gave some examples of using neutral responses rather than verbal praise, for example "that's an interesting picture, tell me about it!" instead of "what a beautiful picture!" (Really, no matter how cute he is, my toddler isn't Michelangelo and we all know it.)


"Rewards and punishments are not opposites at all; they are two sides of the same coin. And it is a coin that does not buy very much" (50).

So, what is a better option than rewarding (or punishing)? Kohn shares a gameplan:
1--Begin by evaluating why the child is misbehaving. Did they know/understand what was expected? Were they physically and mentally able to comply? Did they try?
2--Assume that the child had the best motives (that are consistent with the facts). Usually they did.
3--Use the least intrusive method of correction or instruction that is possible.

Use the 3 C's
Content--are you asking for reasonable behaviors? consider the capacity of the child and the relative importance of the issue.
Collaboration--work together with the child(ren) to make household rules, create family expectations, etc.
Choice--(a continuation of 'collaboration), involve the kids. Bobby may have chosen to hit his brother, but he did not choose to be spanked--the parent chose  to attach that specific consequence; so even if Bobby knew about it, he did not choose it. Instead, involve kids in decision about how to resolve things. Teach them autonomy.

• Be a person. A real person. A nice person. Use 'I' rather than the third person to refer to yourself. (like this!)
• Model the good behavior. Remember that our actions speak so loudly they cannot hear what we say!
• Explain why. Every person, no matter their age, has a right to know why they are being asked to do a thing.
• Assume the best motives.
• Emphasize perspective taking. Try to understand their side, try to help them learn to understand yours.
• Do not rig choices when you offer them. (this post details this idea a bit)

In the end, kids need to feel love and positivity withOUT strings attached. They need our love without it being dependent on behavior. In short, they need unconditional love, and we need to be unconditional parents.

Parenting WithOUT Punishments

"When we use punishment, our children are robbed of the opportunity to develop their own inner discipline-the ability to act with integrity, wisdom, compassion, and mercy when there is no external force holding them accountable for what they do."
~Barbara Coloroso

We're all familiar with the typical punitive parenting methods: Johnny does something bad, Parent doles out a lashing or a tongue lashing or a time-out or a grounding or some other consequence.
And the lesson Johnny learns? As most of us who used to be children can attest, he does NOT learn to avoid the bad behavior; rather, he learns to avoid being caught.
In other words, the punishment was totally ineffective in the ultimate goal of teaching Johnny to do better things. It was primarily effective in teaching him to be sneaky.
(And, for the kids who DO internalize the lesson to 'be good,' it is usually based on fear...I say this from experience, because I am someone who even in toddlerhood had an intense desire to do the right thing, but I can state without reservation that a fair portion of my 'good behavior' in childhood was still based on fear of punishment. A I did my share of sneaky things too. I remember one particular time I got what I felt was an undeserved spanking, and for the next several years I justified at least a dozen acts based on the conclusion that I had already had the punishment for them. My parents read this blog, but I betcha they had no idea about that, did you mom and dad?)

We have a dog. We also have a rule that she does not climb on furniture or go into bedrooms. She is allowed to roam freely through most of the house, but I don't want the dog hair in my bed or bedroom and so bedrooms are off limits. She usually sleeps curled up right in front of our bedroom doorway--even when our door is open, she knows not to come in. (Of course we trip on her if we get up in the night, but that's forgivable.) Sometimes, however, when we're not paying attention to her, she slides a paw over the threshold. Then another paw. Then a nose... A few times she has come right into our bedroom. The moment one of us makes eye contact with her she bows her head and backs out again...but so long as nobody is looking, she tests the limits of the rules.

I'd like to think that my kids are smarter than my dog. If she knows how to be sly, then so do they. Do I think they can get away with stuff without my knowing? I am certain that sometimes they do. Do I want them to think that 'anything goes so long as you don't get caught'? No Way!! I want them to think about the things they chose, and make good choices of their own volition, not just because of fear of punishment. 

Do I inflict punitive punishments sometimes?
Yes. It's culturally normal and it's habit besides.
But I have been trying to use them less.
My oldest son (age 10) knows what when I catch him at something we'll be sitting down and talking about it (admittedly some of those talks are more calm than others), but it's pretty rare that I lay out a punishment as such. Mostly I ask him to articulate why he did what he did, and we talk about the reasons for the rules (including my entertaining petitions to change them if he makes a good argument for such), and we come up with better solutions for the next time he faces a similar situation.This method takes a lot more time and energy (and self-control) than just smacking his naughty little behind (most gentle discipline does). In my heart though, I believe that it's more effective. And my kids are worth it.

Of course, rewards aren't any better than punishments. More about that tomorrow!!

Own It

I found this notion in a book, but I don't recall which one.

I have noticed in myself--and in many other parents--the habit of referring to themselves in the third person. "Mommy doesn't it like it when you do that" "Daddy has to go now." It's a form of separating oneself from ones actions or feelings, and I've come to the conclusion that that's not a healthy thing to be teaching our children.
After all, when Bobby hits Johnny, don't we want him to take responsibility for what he did? When Janie feels angry, shouldn't she be able to own her emotions, and be accountable for whatever actions she takes? Of course they should, and so should we.

We refer to ourselves in first person when talking to other adults; I don't go to the bank and say "Jenni would like to make a deposit today," do I? So what is the difference with children? Sure, perhaps we're trying to reinforce identity by referring to ourselves by name ("mommy") but I think that kids can figure that out by other means.
So when my baby is testing out his sharp new little teeth, and bites me, I say "ouch, you hurt me!" rather than "oo, you hurt mommy." Mommy isn't some disconnected person, it's ME and I just got BITTEN! When "I" am hurt, when "I" need to go, when "I" am upset, I am owning my feelings and my actions. (There is a second part to that of course, that nobody can 'make' anyone feel anything. They can say or do things we don't like, but our feelings are our own...)

Gentle Discipline: Laying It Out

Recently I discovered Baby Dust Diaries by way of her gentle discipline carnival (she found one of my posts, and left me a comment to let me know that she had linked me). She has lots of links there, numerous posts of her own, plus she does the GD carnivals monthly now.
I especially liked her post Getting it Wrong: What Gentle Discipline is Not, and I hope she doesn't mind but I wanted to share a short excerpt of my favorite part (it's really worth going over to read the whole thing, but this chart is awesome!)

Below is one of my favorite charts showing parenting styles. I like it because, unlike most quadrant-based charts on parenting styles this skews it on its side so you can see the continuum of effectiveness down the left side and because it shows the shaded blending of the styles. What she is describing is called permissive parenting typified by low levels of expectation and high levels of nurturing responsivness. As you can see in the chart, permissive parenting rates quite low on the effectiveness scale (only slightly higher than being completely disengaged). Authoritarian parenting, where punishment falls, actually has high levels of expectation in common with gentle (nurturing in the chart) parenting.

Gentle parents, like authoritarian parents, care a great deal about the behavior and discipline⁴ of their children. And, as you can see from the chart authoritarian parenting actually has a high level of effectiveness (as measured by child behavior) as it scales with the level of responsiveness/nurturing.

Gentle parents are no more permissive than Authoritarian parents are uninvolved. To assume so ignores the intention and creates an inflammatory divide. I don’t assume you beat your kids. Don’t assume I let mine run wild.

I admit to having been guilty of exactly that last sentiment--I was raised in a household that was more on the authoritarian side. We were extremely well-behaved kids by most folks' standards, and since the end result was good I assumed that the method must be good as well.
Then I met my Wolf.
Nothing I had been raised with worked with him. He was his own kid and frequently could not be convinced or even coerced into things he didn't want to do--not by anything or anyone. Punishment had little or no effect on his behavior. Attempts at force were usually ineffective. I had to learn something new, and gentle discipline is where I have ended up.
In my younger years when I saw a kid who was out of control, I thought "well if only his mom would set boundaries, or give him a good lecture, or a swat on his naughty little behind..." Over time (due to living with Wolf, reading many books, and talking with other parents) my perspective has shifted.
I am not by any means a perfect "gentle parent." I've used spankings and time outs, I've yelled and threatened and completely lost my temper. Over a year ago I wrote a post on spanking and said I planned to never do it again...um, strike. However I am trying. I think I am improving. For every time I fall down, I get up again--and in my opinion that's the real measure of a good parent (or a good person)--no matter how often they make mistakes, they keep trying again to be better next time. I continue to read and ponder and try to develop my sense of what I want my parenting to be like...and I continue to work on bringing myself closer to that idea.

Telling vs Tattling

The thoughts in this post stem from the ideas in Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids are Worth it: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline."

If your kids are old enough to talk, you have probably heard it: "Mooooooom, Johnny is ______"...and then you are supposed to figure out what to do next. Is Freddy's telling of the situation accurate? Should you intervene? Would your intervention be helpful? Is it too late? Did Freddy need to tell you or is he just mad at Johnny? Does Johnny need to be disciplined? Does Freddy need to be disciplined?! It can be complicated.

In the book, Barbara Coloroso suggests this litmus test for determining whether something is "telling" (good) or "tattling" (bad).

Tattling will get the other child into trouble
~
Telling will get the other child (or both children) out of trouble.

So if Johnny stuck his tongue out at Freddy, Freddy is tattling because he's trying to get Johnny into trouble.
If Johnny is stuck on the bathroom counter and can't figure out how to get down (don't laugh, it happens!) then Freddy is telling, and it's a good thing he is because otherwise Johnny might never make it down! ☺

Now I'm not saying that it's ok for Johnny to hit Freddy, and if Freddy was hurt then of course mom should step in and address some things with Johnny. But if there was no bodily harm, then consider letting it slide. No harm no foul...and maybe next time Freddy won't tattle about stuff that doesn't matter.
Ms Coloroso proposes the idea that parents only get involved in what they themselves actually see or hear happen. With the exception of blood or other serious damage, if you weren't there, then let it lie. If you're an attentive parent then you will see/hear a lot of things, and there will be opportunities to teach your children what they need to know. It's a much calmer (and more accomplishable) goal than intervening in every little thing.
I personally stand somewhere in the middle. I don't necessarily wait for serious damage, because I think that certain careless or aggressive behaviors, even if they didn't cause a big problem this time, they might do so next time. So if there was no serious damage but there was potential for it, then I try to intervene with teaching (though not generally with punishment).

I will say that in a household where tattling doesn't accomplish much, it doesn't happen very often. We get reports of legitimate problems, and a smattering of reports which I answer with "sounds like you guys need to work something out, do you want help?" Of course there is telling, but not very much tattling.

Kids are Worth It by Barbara Coloroso

(I actually read "Kids are Worth it: Giving Your Child the Gift of Inner Discipline" some time ago, and want to re-read it, but this is based off the notes I took at the time)

"It's not control or compliance that you are looking for;
it's calm and cooperation."

As I stated in my prior post about compliance vs cooperation, I feel that it is more important to teach our children how to think and problem solve by themselves than it is to just boss them around all the time. This is more or less the mindset behind this book.

The author, Barbara Coloroso, makes three basic points:

1. Kids are worth it. It is worth the time and effort that it takes to raise our children. We are glad that we have them. We want them. We love them.
2. "I will not treat a child in a way that I myself would not want to be treated." Because children are people too, and deserve to keep their dignity intact, including when they make mistakes or do something wrong.
3. If it works, and leaves my dignity intact, and leaves the child's dignity intact, then it is a good solution.

Her guide for dealing with specific issues that arise is as follows:
Show kids what they have done ~ If the child doesn't realize what he did, then no consequence is going to be useful. Especially with younger children this step may involve helping them to understand why the behavior was a problem (eg, hitting is not ok because it hurts people)
Give them ownership of the problem ~ this is not my problem, it is the child's problem. It's not about me being embarrassed or frustrated, it is about something that the child did and about something that he needs to learn.
Give them options for solving the problem (as they get old enough to begin thinking--I think by age 3 or so--they should participate in the thinking of options. Remember that the goal is to teach them to do this themselves, not to just boss them around! "Plan B" is a great methodology for this) ~ Come up with several possible courses of action. If you are not willing to actually do it, then don't suggest it! Once the options are on the table, the child should choose which course to follow--remember, this is his problem, not yours.
Always leave their dignity intact ~ the goal of consequences should never be to embarrass or shame a child, but merely to teach them.

Coloroso also offers a guide ("RSVP") for what constitutes a reasonable consequence:
Reasonable ~ it makes sense to both parent and child, and is appropriate (natural/logical)
Simple ~ (does this one need to be explained?!)
Valuable ~ the child will actually learn something from this course of action...oh yes, and they will learn what you were hoping to teach!! (in other words, they learn how to make a better choice next time, rather than "I'll be more careful to not get caught next time!")
Practical ~ this also seems obvious, but some people forget about it anyway...one time we were problem solving together and Wolf proposed a solution that might have worked except it involved my micromanaging his life over the coming two weeks. I have other children and *gasp* other responsibilities! I told him that I was happy to help him, but that that particular proposal would not work because I could not do that much. He understood that it was not practical, and we choose something else.

I think that my favorite part of the book was where she talked about finding alternatives to 'no.' Her point was that if you are yelling "No!" at your child every 5 minutes, he will begin to tune it out, and in the moment when it really matters (eg: as he's running into the street) he will neither hear nor respond to you. So, instead of always saying no, Coloroso proposes using alternatives like "yes, but later" or "give me a minute [to think about it]" or (my favorite--for older kids) "Why? Talk me into it!" (Children can come up with a variety of fascinating reasons why they should be allowed to do this or that, and frankly I think a lot of them are valid!)
I find the overuse of 'no' to be a very interesting topic, and I have discussed it in more depth in a separate post.

Here are a few bullet points from my notes:

• A child is a person--an individual. Let them be independent when they need to be. Let them--or help them--discover who they are, and then let them be themselves (so long as it's not physically, mentally, or morally threatening).
• When you give a child a choice, there should be no strings attached. Present choices that are all equal rather than some that are "better" or "worse" than the other. Do NOT get upset if the child's choice is not your own!!
• Good parents neither smother their children's feelings nor steal them. They acknowledge their own feelings and take responsible and purposeful action about them. They allow and teach their children to do the same. They do not judge the feelings of another.
• When encouraging children to find solutions, have them define what they WILL do rather than what they WON'T do. For example "I won't hit" vs "If I'm upset I will go out of the room." (It's much easier to do something than to not do something. Remember this post?!)

She also has some suggestions about problem solving and also addresses the issue of tattling. I'll cover those in separate posts in the coming week. ☺



My post was featured in the Gentle Discipline Fair!
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Parenting Positively

In Finding Nemo, Dory and Marlin find themselves in the middle of a school of jellyfish. Marlin decides that the best way to get ditzy Dory out safely is to make a game. "You can only touch the tops," he explains. "Not the tentacles." "Something about tentacles, gotit, let's go!" shrieks Dory as Marlin laments "not 'something about tentacles,' it's all about the tentacles!"


I have frequently noticed that children tend to hear what we say, but only the key words. So "please don't jump on the bed" comes though as "[wa wa wa wa wa] jump on the bed."
Even when they know that you'd rather they didn't, the idea is so firmly in their mind--and in a parental voice even--that the behavior is nearly irresistible.
When we stop and think about it, it's not hard to realize that focusing on "dos" is liable to be far more productive than focusing on "don'ts."
So rather than saying "please don't jump on the bed" try saying "please come walk on the floor." They may not be excited about doing it, but mentally it's easier to process, and less distracting.

At the risk of over-explaining, I'll share a couple other examples:

Poor: Stop splashing water out of the tub, it's all over the floor.
Better: Let's keep the water IN the tub!

Poor: Don't get out of bed again
Better: Stay in bed and go to sleep
Best: Please stay in your bed and lay still, I'll put on this quiet music/audio story for you

Poor: Stop poking your brother
Better: Be gentle with your brother
Better: Why don't you go [away from your brother] and do ___
Better: What have you done today to show your brother that you love him?

Say what you mean

Another installment in my parenting philosophy series...

I sincerely believe in just saying what I mean, rather than dropping hints or expecting people to pick up subtext or (gasp!) guess what I'm thinking. I wrote some time ago about how we have applied that policy to our marriage, but I also apply it to my parenting.
So when my son hops out of the shower, grabs his towel, and bolts up the hall (with the towel swinging in the air, and droplets of water flying every-which-way) I say "please get dry in the bathroom before you run up the hall" rather than "hey, you're getting everything wet." After all, he's 9, I'm pretty sure he knows he's getting everything wet, (he does it almost every day). What he doesn't know--or doesn't remember--is what would be a better alternative.
When the boys are going to bed, I rarely tell them "just go to sleep now." After all, the average 3 year old isn't really sure how to "go to sleep." But if I tell him to lay still, close his eyes, and breathe softly, he can probably do those things. We may end up going through his body parts one by one "make your head be still, make your eyes be closed, make your arms be still, make your bottom stay down on the bed..." and so on, but he can do those things, and they feel much more doable than "go to sleep." Sometimes my sons tell me that they can't fall asleep, or that they won't. I smile and tell them that I don't care if they go to sleep, they are welcome to stay awake all night long if they want...so long as they stay in their beds and lay still and keep quiet. To date none of them has ever managed to pull an all-nighter.☺



That is one side of saying what I mean, and it is a great help in getting kids to know what you want and to do what you ask. The other side of 'saying what you mean' is a little more serious.

If my son is acting up at the store and I tell him that "one more time" will result in marching out the door and going straight home, well, if he does it one more time we'd better start marching immediately. We have left playdates and other fun things because of situations like that. If I'm not willing to leave (if I have to finish my shopping, or I want to keep chatting with my friends) then I had better not deliver that kind of ultimatum. If I threaten to ground him for a month, or throw away all his legos, well, I'd better be willing to follow through. And not just follow through partway, but really follow through. Kids know if you are bluffing, and although they will call your bluff, they would rather be able to just trust you.
On the up side, if I promise that this weekend we can make popcorn and watch a movie, I'd better have a movie and make popcorn. There is no excuse for lying to your kids. Ever. On the rare occasion that something is beyond my control (someone gets sick and we're unable to go to ____) then explain it all truthfully as soon as you know that you won't be able to do what you promised. If you're not sure whether you'll be able to follow through, then don't make the promise. (Sometimes I say "I'm trying to work it out so that we can ___" but I don't promise unless I know I can follow through.) Kids need to be able to trust their parents. Always.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

The most simple, most basic philosophy behind my parenting beliefs comes down to one word: respect.
I believe that every person, regardless of age, is a child of God and worthy of respect. My children have been sent to me for instruction and guidance and love, but not as pets. They are my equals as people, even if they are currently behind me in the progression of education (which, as many parents can tell you, is a questionable assumption anyway).
As John Holt said "be wary of saying or doing anything to a child that you would not do to another adult..."
So today I'm just sharing a little list of some specific ways that I try to practice respectful parenting.

• There are foods I don't like, so it should be ok that there are foods that my kids don't like. (They aren't allowed to have an opinion about a food until they have tried it, but once they have given it a chance, then it's ok to conclude that they don't like it, and I won't make them "eat just one bite" every time.)
  
• I try to avoid patronizing phrases like "What do you say dear" or "because I'm the mom that's why" (although I firmly believe in teaching my children manners, I do so by example or the occasional "please say 'please.'" Just now as I was typing my toddler asked me to kiss something better, then said "sank oo, sank oo, sank oo!")
  
• When applicable, I apologize to my child (eg: "I'm sorry that I yelled at you Wolf. I was very frustrated that you did XYZ, because it's not acceptable for you to do that, but I am sorry that I yelled. I will work on responding more gently, I need you to please work on XYZ...")
• I expect my child to respond when I call him, but "just a second, mom" is a valid response (after all, I say it to him too).
• It is always ok to ask "why" in our house. As in, "why do I have to brush my teeth every night?" or "why is my bedtime earlier than yours and dads?" or "why do I have to do ____ that you just asked me to?" Depending on what they were asked to do, they may need to hurry and get it done (taking the dog out for example) and THEN I will answer the question. But I think it is always valid for a child to ask a question. For one thing it helps him develop good habits for the right reasons (ie, we brush our teeth to keep them clean and to avoid cavities, not just because mom says so).
  
• Another reason that I like questions is that they help me to question myself--is this an unfair request/demand I am making of him? Is this something necessary, or is it just convenient for me, or is it just habit for me? For example Wolf dislikes the transition of having to change his clothing. So he rarely wears pajamas--most nights he just sleeps in the t-shirt (and sometimes even jeans) that he plans to wear the following day. He says he is comfortable, it spares him a bothersome transition, and hey, why should I really care what he sleeps in, so long as he is warm enough?

For what it's worth, I find that children are little sponges. Whatever kind of behavior they see and experience is the type of behavior that they then practice. Therefore I think that one of the best ways to have respectful kids is not treat them with Machiavellian domination, but rather to respect them first.

Time Out & Time In

I think I have written about this before, but I don't know where it was, so I'm guessing it wasn't here on my blog...therefore I'm going to write about it again.

When I read Unconditional Parenting I was introduced to the notion that time out is not really a gentle method of discipline, because even though it spares them physical pain, it involves emotional withdrawal--or the withdrawal of love. For some children this is intensely painful (thus effective...and yet cruel), and for other children this is no big deal. I think most of it has to do with the child's personality--whether they are introverted or extroverted, craving privacy or interaction...but all of that still doesn't give an answer to the underlying question: if time out isn't working for you (either because it is too much for your child, or because it is too little) then what alternatives are there?
When I get to the "what now?" part of parenting, I always try to step back and ask myself the big question: What is my real goal in raising these kids? What do I want them to learn? What kind of people do I want to influance them to become? As I've stated before, my goal is to help them become thoughtful, conscientious adults. So how do I help them do that? I have transitioned away from using "time out" and now I typically try to use "time in."

Time out typically means setting the child on a chair or stool, usually in a corner or other out of the way place. They are ignored and they are not allowed to play or talk as they serve out a sentence of minutes. The goal with time out is that the child will calm down in this setting, and also that they will feel bad about what they have done and therefore not want to do it again.

Time in is only vaguely similar to time out. The way I do it does usually involve a chair, but depending on the situation, location, or age of the child, it may just be sitting on my lap, or sitting next to each other on the floor or couch. It does involve physical stillness--I find it more effective than time out ever was in helping a child calm down when he has been out of control. The big difference is that I am with the child, rather than ignoring him. With a small child I take him in my lap, hold him, may play with his hand or rub his feet, and I talk with him. With an older child we may sit side by side, or (if I'm in the middle of something) I may pull up a chair near where I am working and he will sit on the chair while I continue to work. With the physical stillness established, we discuss what happened, and why it was a problem. Depending on the situation (and age of the child) we may discuss what would be better choices to make if/when such a situation comes up again. We often talk about other things--things that are unrelated to the situation at hand. I try to use the time-in to reaffirm our relationship and my love for the child. Often hugs or other playful interactions are involved. I don't set a specific time frame for a time-in, but I try to continue it until the child seems to be feeling better and appears likely to be able to deal better with the world around him.
With an older child (preschool age onwards), sometimes I address what needs to be addressed and I can see that he just needs a little quiet time to process things or work through his feelings before he'll really be ready to be on his way. In those cases I typically say something along the lines of "Well Wolf, we've talked about the things that were concerning me, and the things that were concerning you. However it doesn't look like you're quite ready to be gentle with your little brother yet," [usually a glare at me will confirm this]. "Let's have you stay on the chair a little longer until you are ready to get along with him...I'll stop bugging you, but when you think you're ready to go just let me know." He is welcome to be silent, or to chatter to me on any topic, meanwhile he remains in my (hopefully calming) presence...and when he thinks he's ready to go then I'll tell him to go ahead. It's true that an emotional child isn't always the best judge of when he is calm enough to play nicely, but it's good practice for him to try, and if he says he's ready, and I send him on his way, and 2 minutes later he needs to come back for some more time-in, well, then he can come back for some more time-in. ☺


ETA
I'm not sure how clear I made this, so I'm going to try to restate it...
Yes I can see that giving a child love and attention after they misbehave may seem counter-productive. After all, we've been culturally trained to believe that a misbehaving child needs to be punished, and showing love isn't a punishment! However, think about it this way: the real goal with disciplining children is to teach them to behave--so we should do what works, rather than worry about what is 'normal' or even what seems 'logical' according to our social training. According to scientific studies, punishment is actually one of the less effective teaching methods (at least for humans). Therefore, why punish individual infractions (and then punish them again and again) if it's possible to just solve the problem that raised them in the first place?
My experience has been that time and space to calm down are important, but that showing love is never out of place, and that traditional 'punishments' often are.

Consistent vs Reliable

Ahh consistency, the mark of a great parent, right? They are never pushovers, they do not give in to whining or wheedling. They set their rules and they stand by them. Once a consequence has been put in place, it will be enforced without exception. After all, children need consistency, they depend on it. They will push at the boundaries and if you, as the parent, give even a little then they will push harder and harder and get out of control.
We've all read this before, I'm sure.
All the parenting experts say it, and if the experts agree, then we should agree too, shouldn't we?

Well, I have realized that I disagree. (Yep, there's me, questioning the status quo again!)

I don't want to be a perfectly consistent parent. I want to be a reliable parent.

What is the difference? Well, a consistent parent is rigid, and unchanging. Once a rule is set then it is there and ne'er shall it budge. If we have a rule that you must eat your veggies before having any dessert then thus shall it be forever more! (so let it be written, so let it be done!!) Well, yes, good foods before treats is a general policy in our house...but every once in a great while isn't it fun to break that sort of rule? One night we took an idea from the disney channel and decided to have a "totally chocolate dinner." You should have seen the look on Wolf's eyes when we told him. It was a day that he reminded us of for months.

As a reliable parent my kids learn that it is ok to request making changes--this summer Wolf questioned his bedtime asked if we could move it a little later. We discussed that we had established it because he was in school and had to get up early, but concluded that since it was now summer we were willing to try out a later bedtime and see how it went. (Incidentally, we had tried that later bedtime a couple of times before, and it had not worked out, but just because something didn't work before doesn't mean it's not worth trying again.)

With a reliable parent my kids know that it's ok to ask questions about the status quo (hey, does that sound familiar?!) They know that I can be relied upon to make sure that there are always boundaries, but that sometimes the details are subject to change, and that is good. After all, each person is different, each age is different, and one of the most consistent things about parenting is change!

A general rule for living and working with children

"If I had to make a general rule for living and working with children, it might be this: be wary of saying or doing anything to a child that you would not do to another adult, whose good opinion and affection you valued."

--John Holt

On Winning Battles

Parents often find themselves engaged in power struggles with their children. Child wants A, parent insists on B, they argue about it...inevitably there is disobedience, punishment, resentment, or all of the above.

Here is some food for thought:
If you are having a battle with your child, and someone 'wins' then doesn't that mean that someone also 'loses'?
AND, if you as the parent are making sure to win (ie, making your kid be good/do right), then doesn't that mean that your kid is losing?
Are you ok with teaching your child to be a loser all the time?

Just one more reason why I believe in seeking cooperation instead of compliance, in working with my kids rather than pushing them around, and why I try really really hard to teach with gentleness, adaptability, and respect: because no kid should feel like a loser--especially not at home.

Compliance vs Cooperation

"It's not control or compliance that you are looking for;
it's calm and cooperation."
~Barbara Coloroso in "Kids are Worth It"

Every time I see a parenting book talk about 'compliance' I remember something I read in some other parenting book (I honestly don't remember which one):
Think about the person that you hope your child will be when he grows up. Do you want him to be a 'yes man' who only knows how to follow orders and who never questions authority? Or do you want him to be a thinking person who knows how to look at the situation and see the options, find solutions, make compromises, and (when appropriate) question authority?
I am hoping for the latter. For this reason, I do not believe that it is appropriate to force my children to bend to my will.
Scripture teaches that "He that is commanded in all things is a slothful and not a wise servant." This is not the future I hope for for my children!


All of this is not to suggest that I never tell my children what to do. I am here in a position of authority, and it is my job to teach them and raise them. There are some things they don't know yet, and some things which they know but don't practice very well yet. I absolutely believe that obedience is vital, and if I tell my child to do something I absolutely expect them to obey me. BUT, before telling my child to do something, I try consider just why I am telling him this. Is it an issue which threatens a body, mind, or soul? If not, then how much does it really matter? For example, I may find it terribly annoying that Wolf prefers to sleep with his feet by the headboard and his head at the other end of his bed. I may also find it very strange that as often as not he'd rather sleep on the floor. But is this really a problem? Or does it just annoy me? and if it's only an annoyance, only a preference, then are my preferences more important than his preferences? (if you answered 'yes' to that last question, I urge you to really reconsider how you view your children, and whether you genuinely respect them.) If it is not something with threatens body, mind, soul (or property), then I try to stay out of the way.
OK you say, but sleeping upside down or on the floor isn't a big deal. Yes, you're right, it's not. But I have seen parents get terribly upset over things that small. Let me try to think of some more examples:

• Hitting a sibling or playmate--bodily harm (I will intervene)
• Refusing to eat a particular food--only an annoyance. (I don't like mushrooms, and I am willing to accept that Wolf doesn't like tomatoes. So long as he has tried them, he has a right to have that opinion.)
• Throwing things--it depends where he is...rocks in the lake? go for it. rocks at a sibling? Absolutely not. rocks in the back yard? well, it depends a great deal on the size and layout of the backyard!
• Climbing trees that look too big to me--oo, danger to body! Make him get down, right?! (well, is he really in danger? Possibly...but I have concluded that I will never help my kid into a tree...if they can get up themselves, then I figure that wherever they climb is within their range of skill)
• Eating candy before dinner--potentially this could harm his body, so we certainly don't allow it regularly...on the other hand, I'm of the opinion that a child who doesn't get apple pie or chocolate cake for breakfast from time to time may be in danger of mental or spiritual harm, so sometimes the balance is more important than having a rule with no exceptions.

And there is that ugly phrase, "exception to the rule..." ahh, yes, consistency, the mark of a great parent.
Or not.
That's going to be another post.