Introducing...

Shortly after we moved to Kotzebue, I was asked to be the leader for primary (the children's sunday school). In the LDS church, these things are not volunteer positions, they are assigned by the local leadership. I was not surprised that they called me to do this, because in this tiny congregation there are 5 children of primary age, and three of them are my own sons.

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The first week that I taught a primary lesson, I had the thought that I wished there were a place where primary teachers could share resources--not the kind with cute clip-art and fluff--but real, scripture-based, substantive support and ideas. I knew it was too big an undertaking for me to do alone (especially considering my mental/physical/emotional state lately), but the idea still nagged at me. I knew I wanted to help make it happen.
Apparently, the idea was growing in other minds as well. And around new years, we found each other (oh how the internet can be a tool for wonderful things!). So we have created this blog "It's Time for Sharing" (incidentally, there was already a similar one for Young Womens, it's called Beginnings New).

I am very excited about this project. I am grateful for the other people involved with it, and also for the 'guest contributors' who thus far include my mother and sister (who are both involved in primary in their respective congregations, and who frankly have more experience with it than I do!)
This week the regular contributors of the blog were chatting about our purpose and desire for this blog. I thought I would share here what I wrote for them.

I feel like a lot of teachers (not just in primary, at other levels too, but especially in primary) try to dumb down the doctrine. In their minds, they are making it 'simple' or 'accessible for the kids' or things like that. They believe that children can't understand. But I believe that children can understand, and that they WANT to KNOW! I believe that teaching truth and inspiring faith is worth more than following manuals or teaching obedience. I would rather teach a child how to seek personal revelation than teach him how to just always follow the leader. So my first purpose is to teach straight doctrine, without fluffing things up or leaving things out.


A second consideration for me is that I don't want them to learn things one way now, and then in 10 or 20 years be blindsided by the bigger picture. There are some issues in doctrine and history that are complicated and confusing. In the old testament God told people to kill people when they sinned--it's pretty harsh stuff. There is more than one first vision story, and they have significant differences between them. Joseph Smith married over 30 women, some of whom who were married to other men already... (not that I would bring this up to a 4 year old--it's not in their manuals anyway--but I would not shy away from explaining the basics of polygamy to an 8 or 9 year old, and I would explain the full polyandry to a teenager). I think it's appropriate to introduce the complex stuff line by line, as we introduce everything else. I look on it as inoculation. I first learned about polyandry when I was 12, and when I learned more about it as an adult, it did not trouble me to the degree that it does so many others. I already knew the basics, so the details didn't shake my testimony. So my second purpose is to be de-correlated enough to inoculate the children.


My third desire is to share my testimony. I have a testimony of a balanced theology, and a gospel of love. So I will teach the children that they have a Father AND Mother in Heaven, and that we can grow up to be like our heavenly parents, just as we can grow up to be like our earthly parents. I will teach the balance of men and women in God's eyes and god's plan (even though people don't always remember to treat each other equally, God does). I will teach love for everyone, including--or especially--those who are different from ourselves.


I feel that an unfortunate portion of primary materials focus on obey, obey, obey, follow, follow, follow...and basically discount a child's ability to receive revelation. Following is a good way to practice righteousness, but it is also necessary to gain skills in discernment, because for each person the day will come when there is no one to follow, and they have to make their own choices. I would rather teach a child to consider the options and make a choice (and live with the consequences), rather than to simply blindly obey. I have taught my children this way, and they are definitely capable of doing this at 3 and 4.


Finally, I have some experience with teaching, and with children. I've trained in education and studied psychology and development, and I feel like I have something to offer in the way of practical teaching suggestions. I hope that perhaps I can offer some ideas to those who do not have the training/experience in these areas, and who might feel overwhelmed or lost with a primary calling.


The way we approach all of this is important. "You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" and so on... I very much want to be constructive, positive, and helpful. I don't want to be negative, bashing (on manuals or people), or raise conflict. As I have pondered the best way to do this, I think we need to consider why we are teaching/posting things (ie, am I teaching about Heavenly Mother because I think she's important, or because I want to ruffle feathers). Be genuine, don't make waves solely for the purpose of making waves. But don't hide your light under a bushel either--if something is really important in your testimony, don't gloss over it just because it's not in the manual. Finally, I think we need to be unapologetic and non-defensive when we post. That ties into why we post these things, but is an important note. I'm not going to say "I know the lesson was about obedience, but I'm going to adapt it and talk about choices instead..." I will simply say "I have adapted this lesson to talk about choices, rather than solely about obedience, because even obedience is a choice we make..."

So there you have it, It's Time for Sharing, my latest endeavor to "Be the change [I] want to see in the world."-Gandhi

Resting

I don't have so much of my own post to write today, but I really wanted to share a link to another post I read. 

Don't Even Try to Be Productive

It reminds me of Ecclesiastes where it teaches us that "to every thing there is a season" I think our modern society gets so caught up in manmade routines and schedules that we forget to heed the natural cycles of nature. God made the year with changes, so that we could work hard sometimes and rest at other times. When we have a 9-5 job year round we ignore those designated times...and we should not. Some of us, as stay at home moms, have the blessing of being able to heed those seasonal changes far more than those in the workforce. Oh that we would!

Gentle Discipline: Laying It Out

Recently I discovered Baby Dust Diaries by way of her gentle discipline carnival (she found one of my posts, and left me a comment to let me know that she had linked me). She has lots of links there, numerous posts of her own, plus she does the GD carnivals monthly now.
I especially liked her post Getting it Wrong: What Gentle Discipline is Not, and I hope she doesn't mind but I wanted to share a short excerpt of my favorite part (it's really worth going over to read the whole thing, but this chart is awesome!)

Below is one of my favorite charts showing parenting styles. I like it because, unlike most quadrant-based charts on parenting styles this skews it on its side so you can see the continuum of effectiveness down the left side and because it shows the shaded blending of the styles. What she is describing is called permissive parenting typified by low levels of expectation and high levels of nurturing responsivness. As you can see in the chart, permissive parenting rates quite low on the effectiveness scale (only slightly higher than being completely disengaged). Authoritarian parenting, where punishment falls, actually has high levels of expectation in common with gentle (nurturing in the chart) parenting.

Gentle parents, like authoritarian parents, care a great deal about the behavior and discipline⁴ of their children. And, as you can see from the chart authoritarian parenting actually has a high level of effectiveness (as measured by child behavior) as it scales with the level of responsiveness/nurturing.

Gentle parents are no more permissive than Authoritarian parents are uninvolved. To assume so ignores the intention and creates an inflammatory divide. I don’t assume you beat your kids. Don’t assume I let mine run wild.

I admit to having been guilty of exactly that last sentiment--I was raised in a household that was more on the authoritarian side. We were extremely well-behaved kids by most folks' standards, and since the end result was good I assumed that the method must be good as well.
Then I met my Wolf.
Nothing I had been raised with worked with him. He was his own kid and frequently could not be convinced or even coerced into things he didn't want to do--not by anything or anyone. Punishment had little or no effect on his behavior. Attempts at force were usually ineffective. I had to learn something new, and gentle discipline is where I have ended up.
In my younger years when I saw a kid who was out of control, I thought "well if only his mom would set boundaries, or give him a good lecture, or a swat on his naughty little behind..." Over time (due to living with Wolf, reading many books, and talking with other parents) my perspective has shifted.
I am not by any means a perfect "gentle parent." I've used spankings and time outs, I've yelled and threatened and completely lost my temper. Over a year ago I wrote a post on spanking and said I planned to never do it again...um, strike. However I am trying. I think I am improving. For every time I fall down, I get up again--and in my opinion that's the real measure of a good parent (or a good person)--no matter how often they make mistakes, they keep trying again to be better next time. I continue to read and ponder and try to develop my sense of what I want my parenting to be like...and I continue to work on bringing myself closer to that idea.

Cool Homeschool

A couple of months ago my mother started a blog. I was excited about it then, but have waited a while so that she would have the time to get a good collection of posts up before I started telling everybody about it.
But now she has some posts up, so you should go visit it!

Black's Cool Homeschool

For those who do not know the story, my dad is a teacher. When he was in grad school (certifying for gifted ed), he came home one day and said to mom [in reference to his classmates, the future gifted teachers of America]: "These people are morons, I do not want them teaching my children. We are going to homeschool." I was still an infant, and no other siblings had come along yet. The way mom tells it she "had five years to get used to the idea," but by the time I was school aged, she was wholly on board.
(Yes, if you missed the subtext there, I was homeschooled from the beginning until age 16 when I started college...)
Twenty seven years and 8 diverse students later, she is one of the more experienced homeschoolers I know, and frankly, I think she's amazing. She's like me in that she doesn't take one philosophy and go with it; instead she reads a lot of everything and gleans a little from everywhere, then considers her own children's needs and creates her own versions of most of it. I find her inspiring and think that you will too.

Here is the description she wrote for the blog header:
Homeschooling has brought many blessings to our family (not the least of which is my children's feeling that school is cool!). And with those blessings comes the desire to document our family’s journey in an attempt to help others who follow. Ours is a journey that began as an idealistic voyage in 1981 and has evolved into an eclectic expedition. Let me show you our path and try to communicate some truths I've learned.

~~~~~~~

OK, official disclaimer...
I think there are some excellent teachers in public schools--I think that my dad is one of them, that my husband is another, and (if it's not too cocky of me to say so) I think I was pretty darn good... With that said, teaching in this country doesn't pay well enough to entice nor hold most of the best and brightest in the profession. So that "those who can't do, teach" is sadly true of many many teachers. That "these people are morons" sentiment is one I can echo in thinking of many of my own classmates at a college that was considered that state's leading school for teachers.
Yes, I've seen homeschoolers (and honestly public schoolers too) who had a woefully inadequate education. There are a few socially backwards utterly clueless homeschoolers that give the rest of us a bad name (just like they say about 90% of lawyers giving the rest a bad name, right?!) But there are socially backwards kids and the behaviorally challenging kids who slip through the cracks in public system too. I guess the point I'm getting at is that the quality of a person's education is not not about where they are educated (home vs school), it's about the investment and support that the student gets, and that usually comes from home anyway.

What Gifts Can YOU Give?

My former roommate Nicole wrote a piece for Women Doing More this last week (I almost said "my old roommate" but she's only 6months older than I am, so I guess I shouldn't call her old!) She talked about non-monetary ways that she and her husband have found to give--through donating blood, hair, and even a kidney. You should go read her article right now--go on, it's not very long.

Did you read it yet?


Get over there now! I'll wait.


It's not that long...



So did you read it now?

Good.

When I read that article it got me thinking about the ways that I am able to give... as you may know, my Hubby is a school teacher. It means that he has a great schedule (summers off!), but it's not a huge paycheck, so I rarely have money that I'm able to give. However there are many things that I can give:

• I make things for people (cloth diapers, baby blankets, hats). This isn't free, but supplies are cheaper than finished products, and since these creative skills are able to bring me an income, I feel that it's appropriate that I should use the same skills to help as well. "Unto whom much is given, much is required"
  
• I teach skills--I've taught friends how to make bread, sew diapers, and sew their own pads. I've posted a few tutorials on my shop blog, and am always willing to show somebody how to do something.
  
• I share knowledge--I hope this blog is educational! I also share recipes and cooking tips on my cooking blog, and I hope they are helpful (and yummy) for some of you too! I tend to offer lots of information when someone asks me a question--it doesn't matter if it took me a long time to acquire all that knowledge for myself, I figure that knowledge is a good thing, and should be shared freely. Who am I to hoard it?
  
• Throughout college I gave blood regularly. I'm no longer able to do this (because Hubby lived in England for 3 years so now we're both on the 'no' list for blood donation because of fear over mad cow disease), but I definitely encourage others to do this simple service--it really does save lives! Actually, if you donate before Feb 28, you can join in the virtual blood drive and be entered to win some pretty cool stuff...but that's not why you're doing it, right?
  
• I do my part to save the world by living a pretty green lifestyle, being a good steward of what I have, and teaching my children (and hopefully others) how to do the same. Never doubt the power of a good example!
  
• And the last one I want to tell about is sharing my breastmilk.

I wrote once about my friend who was not able to lactate. It's a very rare thing, but occasionally it does happen. Her baby was born in November, and mine was born the following January. In the early weeks, as she was struggling to try to get her milk to come in, many friends donated breastmilk to her, but by the time my milk came in she had only one person still sharing milk. I was blessed with an abundant supply of milk, so I started pumping and freezing it. Over the next 7 months I probably gave her a couple of gallons of my milk...not as much as I wish I could have given, but that is a lot of milk that she was able to give her baby which she would not have been able to otherwise. (She used formula to make up the difference, but I've commented before that formula makers are always discovering some new thing to add that breastmilk has had all along, so I'll always maintain my stance that breastmilk is the ideal.) Sharing my milk didn't cost me a thing, and it meant the world to her. (If you don't personally know someone in need, there are milkshare programs that help connect mothers with milk to mothers in need--just search "share breastmilk" or "donate breastmilk".)

So what about you? What non-monetary ways can you give?

Stuff I love about your blog

As promised, this week we've got the positive side of blogging!

Make me laugh. You don't have to do it all the time, but those blogs that give me the giggles are going to have me as a regular reader. Jenni of JustChickenFeed and Lamina both put me in stitches on a regular basis.

Make me think. Take on deep topics now and then, and don't be afraid to really say what you think and feel. Get the wheels in my head turning. Alisa rocks in this department. So does her husband Bryan. My cousin Tim does it, and TheTrueFaceofBirth, and Descent into Motherhood. My Hubby does it regularly too, although he doesn't always blog it...*winkwink**nudgenudge* honey! (He's actually been blogging a lot more lately though)

Make me feel. Shared emotions are powerful, and when I read stories I can relate to (about miscarriage, or kitchen disasters, or frazzled mothering), I feel a connection to the writer...and I come back. This is why I read Picklebums, MagicallyMama, SmithFamilyTimes, RasJane, and SamuraiMom.

Make me inspired. These are the crafty blogs usually, although not always. KnittingFisher shows off knitting that makes me envious (I have to convince her to make me something, though I don't know what yet!). Lamina's crafty blog is both inspiring and funny. Jenni at OneThing has 12 kids. Go her!
ThrowsLikeAGirl inspires me with almost every post (yes, even as she makes me laugh) as she talks candidly about her battle with breast cancer.

Make me change, or, at least, teach me something I didn't know before. Bloggers introduced me to reusable menstrual products. Bloggers taught me how to make my etsy stores more successful. Bloggers have given me insight into political candidates and issues. Alisa here, and Tim, and the WordDork. ThrowsLikeAGirl has been teaching me lots of things I never knew about cancer--you can blame her for the fact that I now post feel-yourself-up-fridays.

Make my ego. Seriously, link to me, or my shops, or say nice stuff about me, or my shops, or buy something from me...and you've got a regular reader for a good long while. (These people know it!)

Some places you should visit

The Bee in your Bonnet on Nursing in Public

BembosZoo (click on W first, would you? It's extra special!) (So is D) (but not as special as W)(O is really cute too though)

Wall-E wasn't about pollution after all (nope, it was about sex!)

And, if you've ever miscarried, or known someone who has, SarcasticMom has a series of posts that will rip your heart out...and I know exactly how she felt. I just didn't have a blog yet when I was miscarrying.


And this one isn't something to read per se...but I just wanted to officially declare my love of the Natural LDS Living forums. There are LDS forums, and there are crunchy forums (such as Mothering.com), but this one was set up specifically for those of us who are both...most 'crunchies' seem to look down on religion, and most religious folks seem to think we're psycho hippies...so it's nice to have a place where I can fit in fully. (By the way, the forums are totally private, so you won't be able to see anything unless you actually join...that said, once you are a member, you can post away in privacy and peace!)

Birth Story Carnival!

Somebody is holding a birth story carnival!! I'm not about to take the time to go read every story (and actually only read about half of hers...although I read the ones posted by my friends!)...but I think it's fun to go back and put my links on the Mr Linky...so if you've got a birth story (whether previously written or still waiting for words) go add your link to the list! C'mon, birthy vibes are fun!

So, for those of you who weren't around and reading this blog when Bear (formerly known as S) was born, here is the story of his birth. For those who don't remember the more recently told story of how Wolf (W) came to be 'born in my heart' well, you can read that here.

Empty Bellies, Empty Arms

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On the one hand, I think it's a bit corney that they make official remembrance days for just about everything...on the other hand, it's a good opportunity to talk about something I feel passionate about.
I believe that miscarriage is a largely unnoticed tragedy. Most miscarriages happen in the earlier parts of pregnancy--before the woman 'shows' and before many people know that she was even expecting. When the baby is lost, there is rarely a body to hold or bid farewell. Even if the mother sees her fetus, those beyond the family do not, and so, the baby is not real to them. As outsiders have no object for grief, they do not grieve...leaving the parents (especially the mother) very very alone. For some reason, our culture does not recognize a miscarriage as a valid loss (as they would with a stillbirth or especially an older child). Even the medical term "spontaneous abortion" is heartless. Our culture does not accept our grief, and so we are left to grieve alone. In silence.
That is wrong.
Statistically, one in four pregnancies results in miscarriage. With earlier and earlier pregnancy detection, that ratio is decreasing. If we could detect pregnancy at the moment of conception, I suspect that actually only about one in four pregnancies makes it past the first 5 weeks of gestation (3 weeks past ovulation). But let us just go with the "one in four" ratio. That means that 1 in 4 women that you pass on the street has suffered a miscarriage. If you have 3 sisters, then one of you probably has (or will) miscarry. If you have 4 members in your book club, playgroup, or carpool, one of you has (or will) miscarry. If you have more than three children, you will probably have a miscarriage. If you have 7 children, you will probably miscarry twice.
I have miscarried at least three times. Three times I reached at least 12 weeks gestation, only to lose my baby. The first time I had a spontaneous micarriage, at home, and held my tiny son's body in my hand. He was only a few inches long, and his tiny hands and perfect little feet could all four fit on my thumbnail together. My husband's wedding ring could have fit around his head like a crown.

(if you click on the picture you can see it larger)

So tiny, so perfect...and not ours to keep. My subsequent miscarriages, unfortunately, involved D&Cs, so there was no baby to hold, no one to bid adieu, and no closure. Holding my tiny baby was the hardest thing I had ever done...until I had to say goodbye to babies I couldn't even hold.
Miscarriage is overlooked the vast majority of the time, yet it is so common. Following my miscarriage(s), women 'came out of the woodwork' and shared their own miscarriage stories with me. My mother said that the same thing happened to her after she miscarried. Why is it that we do not tell our stories except to other women who miscarry? By doing so, we are promulgating the cycle of silence. Mothers, you who have suffered with empty bellies and empty arms, be silent no longer! Speak up! There is no shame in having miscarried, only in refusing to acknowledge how it changes us.