Sunday, February 1, 2009

Raw

Just for today I hate everyone I know who is pregnant.
And everyone who has gotten pregnant on the first month they tried, or who got pregnant without trying, or who didn’t want to get pregnant but did anyway.
Just for today I hate everyone who has ever taken conception or pregnancy or full-term birth for granted.
I hate everyone who complains about being pregnant.
Everyone who complains about their kids.
Just for today I hate everyone who has never lost a baby, because they do not--cannot--understand.
Because today I’m saying farewell to another baby of mine.




I had hoped that in the next week or so I'd be making an announcement of a different, happier, sort. It's ironic, considering all my recent posts about miscarriage (and at least one more written a while ago but scheduled to post several days hence--because I figured it was better to spread out the posts rather than have them all go up in one week and depress all my readers). But I guess life is like that sometimes.
I never got a positive pregnancy test (it’s hard to get one out here), but I was over a week late and I had lots of symptoms, not to mention that gut feeling of just knowing that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic, although I tried to curb my enthusiasm until I could see those two little lines on a test (one is en route in the mail), but I had no doubt that they would be there. We’d been hoping and trying ever since my fertility returned last fall. The timing could not have been better: our expected moving date would have been in the second trimester (post-morning sickness but pre-enormous belly), and I was due around October 1, the same timing as my first pregnancy 5 years ago. I was looking forward to a healthy and healing pregnancy. I was even starting to think about what animal pseudonym to give this baby when I announced him/her here on the blog.
I suppose the skeptics out there would suggest that I just had a funny cycle and it was a ‘late’ period rather than a pregnancy, but I have a number of reasons for disagreeing with that sentiment, and I am too hormonal and sad to take any unsympathetic comments right now. My eagerly-awaited and much-wanted baby is not mine to keep at this time, and I’m back on the emotional roller coaster of loss.
Every time I posted the story of one of my miscarriages, I wondered how it would have been different if I’d written it at the time it happened, rather than several years after the fact. Well, today I guess I know.

I know there will be other months and other chances, but I wanted this one. Saying goodbye when I’ve scarcely had time to say hello is not as hard as when I’ve had several months to love my baby, but it is still a goodbye. This week I will hug my kids a little bit extra. I will eat too much chocolate and forget to shower and quite possibly leave my hair in the same braid all week. I may spend an entire day in my pajamas…or I may knit 37 rows on Wolf’s sweater. Who knows. But the rest of the world will go on turning, and sooner or later I will have to return to it. I will be different, and the world will neither know nor care.


(and I will be scarce here until my internet gets working again...but I will be back as soon as it is, because outside my Hubby I have no support here, and I need my online friends ♥ )

33 comments:

natalie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Several women I know have had losses recently, and it is so difficult hearing that and not being able to say or do anything more- but I'm so sorry.

Becky N. said...

Oh, Jenni. I'm so very sorry. I was really keeping my fingers crossed for you, too. Don't feel guilty about taking time to let things go while you mourn. I've spent days in pajamas for far less worthy reasons.

I wish I could give you a hug. You'll be in my prayers.

Aimee said...

I am so truly sorry.

Nemmer said...

I too am very sorry for your loss.

Emily said...

((hugs))

Jennifer said...

Jenni, I wrote a really long comment on this earlier and I'm so sad it didn't go through!! Man, I cant even remember all of what I said but here we go...

Jenni I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what it must feel like to go through what you've gone through.

I will keep you and your family in our prayers as you continue your treck toward making another baby.

I truly admire your strength though, and I hope you know how much of an insipration you are to me and many women in the blogsphere. Keep your chin up, everything will work out. *hugs*

Keya said...

So sorry to hear.

Carrie said...

Jenni, I love you and I am so sorry for your loss! I have been hoping so much that this one would be what you were praying for. I know how you feel. I lost a pregnancy when it was this young as well. I haven't told very many people about it for the same reasons that you stated.

I know it still hurts the same was infertility hurts. It is as much the loss of your hopes and dreams as it is the loss of a pregnancy, even one not yet confirmed. I hope that you have a healing week.

Cynthia said...

I am so sorry! I am sad you have been asked to bear this burden again. We suffered through 3.5 years of infertility before we got our twins and I remember feeling just like you did about other people (the beginning of your post) though I have never felt 'just like you' over the loss of a much wanted child. I'm sorry.

laminathegreat said...

I'm so sorry. I do love you.

Jess said...

I can only imagine... so all I will say ios that I am sending love, and hugs and prayers of comfort your way....

angela michelle said...

i'm so sorry--i've had the same thoughts about mothers who don't appreciate their children or their fertility (even though sometimes i am that kind of mom). here's to faith and hope.

Carolyn said...

I am so, so sorry. I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Kim said...

Oh Jenni, not again. I am so sorry my friend. So, so sorry.

mzzmyrick said...

I'm so very sorry to read about your loss.

I too have had miscarriage, and I was touched by your words in the start of your blog. Reading them, I felt like they could have been exact words coming out of my mouth. Intense anger, hurt and hate I felt for months after my loss towards anyone around me with child, or getting pregnant.

I'm very sorry.

megandjon said...

I'm sorry too. Life is so hard sometimes. And I think mother's have it the hardest of all. Not that father's don't grieve too. But it's not quite the same.

Katrina said...

I'm so sorry! I was really hoping you had had your allotment of miscarriages (as I'm sure you were). I know that is one of the hardest things to endure. There are times when life really is too unfair. As someone else commented, don't feel guilty for pampering yourself for a while. You need it while you grieve again.

sara said...

I am so sorry. You have been in my thoughts so much lately. I knew you were hopeful and I was so hopeful for you too. I am sending lots of love to you and I will continue being hopeful for you. You are such a wonderful mother Jenni. Lots of hugs to you.

RasJane said...

Not much to say, except big ol' hugs. You know how much I was pulling for you. Still am. I hope you have some mighty comfy jammies and some good chocolate. If I lived anywhere close to you, I'd bring something over.

Allison said...

Thank you for your blog. I don't know how I got here, but I'm going through the exact same thing this week. I'm so sorry for your loss. I still don't know how to feel about my own loss yet.

Tuan's Princess said...

I am so heartbroken for you.

Elizabeth said...

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss, Jenni- best wishes for you.

Kimberlee said...

I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your much wanted baby. My heart is heavy and there are tears. It isn't fair.

Mama bee said...

*hugs* I am so sorry.

KnittingFisher said...

Oh Jenni, I never wished that I could be able to give you a hug more than now. You and Dave are in my prayers and thoughts and know that I love you both.

julia-jazz said...

I'm sorry Jenni.

*HUGS*

-Leah

Samurai Mom said...

I am so sorry Jenny.

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Jenni. My thoughts and love are with you.

Petit Mouton on Etsy said...

Very sorry.
Sending you a big hug.

BethNoel said...

Friend...my heart breaks for you and the loss of your little baby. It never makes sense and it is never ok, but I am thinking of you and praying for you. I thank you for sharing this personal experience with the rest of us. I feel that it allows all of us to honor all of those little ones that aren't here.

*hug*

Sanity said...

Oh Jenni *hugs* I'm so sorry...If it helps (not that anything does, I know that well enough) I lost another one too, also without ever having those 2 lines to confirm it.

*hugs you tightly*

katef said...

I am so sad for your loss.... I am only getting to this now as things have been crazy down here... but please know I am thinking of you and hoping you get those two blue lines and a gorgeous baby soon

annie2006 said...

aww hun, i barely know u but i wish i cud give u a hug right now. instead, take the babes u do have in your arms and give them the biggest bestest cuddle ever xx

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