Postpartum Anxiety. My Story.

I wrote this to be shared with Momma Trauma. I'm not sure how much of it she'll use there, or in what form, and I know I get different readership here anyway so I wanted to share the story here as well. I just discovered MT's site last week as part of The Amethyst Network's networking. Momma Trauma addresses pregnancy and birth-related traumas of all sorts, from loss to traumatic births to postpartum psychoses.


Regular readers here will know that I had been through several miscarriages prior to my first live birth. I experienced a lot of depression during and after those, and credited it to grief, although I knew that there could be chemical components to it too. When I did realize I was going to carry to term with this one, I was shocked to find that I was still depressed. I was depressed for most of my pregnancy, in spite of being extremely excited that I was finally going to have a baby. I anticipated that I might have postpartum depression, and tried to have a support network in place just in case.
I have a family background of depression, bipolar, anxiety attacks, and even severe panic-induced breakdowns. But aside from the depression I mentioned here, I had never experienced any of those things myself. I'd never had an anxiety attack let alone chronic anxiety.

When my baby was born, I was jubilant. Our circumstances were actually really bad, my husband was working two jobs because we were broke, and it was the middle of winter. But I was not depressed. I was delighted to have a baby.

But I was terrified of hurting him. I have eight younger siblings and had been helping with babies for two decades before I had my own baby. I knew how to handle diapers and baths and feedings and all those things, and yet I still found myself feeling scared all the time. I was afraid that he would stop breathing in his sleep. I was afraid that as I laid him on the bed that his arm would twist under him and break as I set him down. When I had him in the sling as I made dinner, I was afraid that he would reach out and touch a pan or get cut on a knife or something before I could prevent it. I was terrified that he would get badly hurt and that it would be my fault. Not an accidental kind of fault, but a totally preventable kind of fault. None of these were rational fears, but they all ran around in my head on a daily basis.

I never told anyone. I assumed that I was paranoid about this baby because of the years of miscarriages and the waiting for him. Of course I was hyper-protective of this baby! And I could tell that they were irrational fears, so I didn't tell anyone because I felt stupid for having them. By the time he was about 6 months old they went away.

Three years later I had a second baby. I had not had difficulty conceiving or carrying him. The delivery had been straightforward and good. But I had experienced pregnancy depression again, and I had the postpartum fears again. This time I couldn't justify it to myself, because I didn't have the same set of circumstances coming in. I had HAD a baby before and everything had been fine with him. I couldn't think of why I would feel paranoid this time around, but I did. And it was the same things...stopping breathing, breaking his arm...knives in the kitchen...
 
Sometimes real things did happen. Like when he was 3 months old but had gotten strong enough that he kicked so hard that he tipped his bouncer over. He had been on the floor and was scared but not hurt. I was not much distressed by this, I comforted him, and just accepted that he had gotten too big for the bouncer and didn't use it anymore. But I was still scared that I would hurt him somehow.
 
Again, when he was a few months old it faded.

That baby was two when I listened to a podcast where a woman talked about having had postpartum anxiety. I had never even heard of such a thing. Her case had been so serious that she was institutionalized for several weeks (away from her baby). I was grateful that my anxiety was not that severe, but I also felt so validated in my experiences. I wished I had told someone. I wished I had known what it was. Now that I know (and it's only been a year that I've known) I have started telling people. Nobody should have to deal with this kind alone. It's scary and unnerving and it would have been nice to know that I wasn't crazy.

February Blog Circle: The Calling

This post is written in response to The Amethyst Network's February Circle, "Sharing Our Stories." Please visit there for more stories, including the story of how The Amethyst Network came to be born.

This month TAN is also holding a brief fundraiser (and there are some pretty nice perks if you donate). The board and doulas are all volunteers, but we need a little capital to cover things like web hosting and printing costs for the materials that we distribute. Please visit the fundraising site and help out if you can. Thank you.

When I was very first married, I had a church assignment to visit with another woman in my congregation. (This is typical for Mormons, every woman is assigned to visit other women, so that everyone has someone they can turn to if they need help or support with something, and everyone has someone to look out for.) I felt a connection with this particular woman because she was also a newlywed, having married just days after we had.
Less than four  months into my marriage, I experienced my first miscarriage. Right around the same time, Michelle [not her real name] told us that she was also expecting. I was excited for her. Although I grieved my own loss, I never guessed that the road ahead of me would be so long and difficult. I assumed my next conception would be as easy as the first had been, and so I did not resent her pregnancy even in the face of my recent loss.
A few weeks later, I received word that Michelle had miscarried. As the timing worked out, she had miscarried in her early second trimester, just as I had. I baked something (I no longer remember what) and walked the few blocks to her home to deliver it to her. I also took a card in which I had written my sympathies, and shared some thoughts that had been comforting to me in my loss.
Her mother answered the door, and said that Michelle was in the shower. I delivered the card and food, explained who I was, and said that I was available to call if Michelle needed anyone.
She never called. I think her mother was sufficient support for her. Over the years (having long since moved away from the area), I had almost forgotten this story. But this week I remembered it, and I realized something: Although I would have said that it was supporting another friend through miscarriage in the summer of 2010 that instigated my desire to start The Amethyst Network, I actually began that path years before. Perhaps it is a matter of personality, perhaps a matter of being in the right place at the right time, but I realize that within weeks of my first miscarriage I was reaching out to support others through miscarriage. I think it is something I am called to do.

It never rains but it pours

Several projects I've contributed to have all published my contributions all at once. Today.

It's sortof exciting!

So I thought I'd share the links. Because I may not have been producing much HERE, but trust me, I've been producing.☺

Furthering Women's Health through Feminism at LDS-WAVE (Women Advocating for Voice and Equality) (I know someone on the board there, and I had written these thoughts in a discussion elsewhere, but when she saw it she asked if I would work it into something she could post on WAVE).

Finding Heavenly Mother As She Sings, part of the Finding Heavenly Mother Project at Poetry Sans Onions. (Nothing in this story is new if you've been reading my blog for a while, but I thought I'd share anyway.)

Miscarriage from an LDS Perspective Part 1 (my story) and Part 2 (advice for others) posted at the Mormon Mental Health Podcast.

Conversion

This was the talk I gave in church a few weeks ago.

            Many Christians use the word “convicted” to describe their faith. When someone is convicted of something that means that some outside source has judged or proven them to be guilty of something. In this case, to be a convicted Christian would mean that others are able to judge the person as Christian based on an outside perspective. Obviously a person’s faith should show in their actions, however it is important to separate conviction from conversion, because they are not the same. While conviction refers to what is apparent from the outside, conversion refers to what occurs on the inside, and is truly known only to oneself and to God.

            The word conversion means change. In the spiritual sense, a conversion is a change in ones self, either in belief, or behavior, or both. Although we often focus on the externally visible conversion signs of accepting the gospel and being baptized, the bible dictionary makes sure to mention that “complete conversion comes after many trials and much testing.” Real conversion is an internal change and a lifelong process. It does not matter if a person was raised with the gospel, or encountered it a week before dying, we all must experience conversion at some point. Alma describes conversion as “a mighty change of heart” and spends an entire chapter talking about it. He makes it clear that he is speaking to church members as well as gentiles, and that conversion is intensely personal, and undeniably ongoing.

There are three questions I want to discuss today:

1 How do we become converted in the first place? What happens—or what can we do—to begin the process?

2 How do we know that we are converted, or at least that we have experienced the initial change of heart?

3 How can we remain in the converted or changed state? And avoid returning to the unconverted condition?

1 How do we become converted?

            In Mosiah 18, Alma the elder had taught the gospel to a group of people, and was preparing them for baptism. As they gathered by the water, he spoke to them about the things they had learned, and about the covenants they would be taking in baptism.

8 And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

 9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death…that ye may have eternal life—

 10 Now I say unto you, if this be the desire of your hearts, what have you against being baptized in the name of the Lord, as a witness before him that ye have entered into a covenant with him, that ye will serve him and keep his commandments, that he may pour out his Spirit more abundantly upon you?

Alma makes it clear that conversion involves not just a willingness to keep the commandments and care for each other, but also a genuine desire to do so. Conversion is a change of heart.

            Sometimes we may think that a conversion will happen through a single stunning event, with trumpets and angelic visions. As Elder Uchdorf said in the April 2011 conference,

            There are some who feel that unless they have an experience similar to Saul’s or Joseph Smith’s, they cannot believe… They wait at the threshold of testimony but cannot bring themselves to acknowledge the truth. Instead of taking small steps of faith on the path of discipleship, they want some dramatic event to compel them to believe.

            There are many others who, for different reasons, find themselves waiting [around]. They delay becoming fully engaged as disciples… They [hope] for the Christ to be given to them like a magnificent painting—to remove once and for all their doubts and fears.

            The truth is, those who diligently seek to learn of Christ eventually will come to know Him. They will personally receive a divine portrait of the Master, although it most often comes in the form of a puzzle—one piece at a time. Each individual piece may not be easily recognizable by itself; it may not be clear how it relates to the whole. Each piece helps us to see the big picture a little more clearly. Eventually, after enough pieces have been put together, we recognize the grand beauty of it all. Then, looking back on our experience, we see that the Savior had indeed come to be with us—not all at once but quietly, gently, almost unnoticed.

Elder Uchdorf concludes that if we will be proactive in seeking testimony and conversion, then we can find it, but that we cannot just wait around for it to come to us. He goes on to suggest several things that we can do to actively seek this conversion, this change of heart.

            The first is to “hearken and heed,” meaning to listen for promptings of the spirit. He says we should do what is necessary to “turn down the volume control of the worldly noise in our lives” so that we can hear the spirit, and then do what we feel prompted to do.

            Secondly, Elder Uchdorf points out that “we sometimes do not recognize the voice of the Lord in our lives is because the revelations of the Spirit may not come directly to us as the answer to our prayers. Our Father in Heaven expects us to study it out first and then pray for guidance as we seek answers to questions and concerns in our personal lives. We have our Heavenly Father’s assurance that He will hear and answer our prayers. The answer may come through the voice and wisdom of trusted friends and family, the scriptures, and the words of prophets...

            Often, the answer to our prayer does not come while we’re on our knees but while we’re on our feet serving the Lord and serving those around us. Selfless acts of service and consecration refine our spirits, remove the scales from our spiritual eyes, and open the windows of heaven. By becoming the answer to someone’s prayer, we often find the answer to our own.”

            The third thing Elder Uchdorf recommends for becoming converted is to share what we know. We don’t have to know everything, we can share what we do know and grow through that.

            There are times when the Lord reveals to us things that are intended only for us. Nevertheless, in many, many cases He entrusts a testimony of the truth to those who will share it with others…. The most effective way to preach the gospel is through example. If we live according to our beliefs, people will notice. If the countenance of Jesus Christ shines in our lives, if we are joyful and at peace with the world, people will want to know why. One of the greatest sermons ever pronounced on missionary work is this simple thought attributed to Saint Francis of Assisi: “Preach the gospel at all times and if necessary, use words.” Opportunities to do so are all around us.

2 How do we know that we are converted, or at least that we have experienced the initial change of heart?

In Alma 5, Alma asks a series of questions which can help us to ascertain whether we have been converted.

 14 And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?

 15 Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you? Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised in immortality, and this corruption raised in incorruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?

            He continues with more questions we can ask ourselves to see if we are exercising the faith of an ongoing conversion. He asks “if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, can ye feel so now?” He also asks if we are stripped of pride, and stripped of envy. He asks us to consider whether we mock or persecute those around us, or feel that we are superior to anyone else. He asks if we ever turn our backs upon the poor and needy, or withhold our substance from them.

            Alma adds that we will have a “perfect remembrance” (verse 18) of all that we have done in our lives, and urges us to be totally honest with ourselves when we ask these questions.

 19 I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?

Married couples often tend to look like each other because of what is known as mirroring each other. Mirroring is when we imitate each other’s facial expressions and other body movements. Children learn emotional and other responses from their parents through this method, and any two people in a close relationship tend to mirror each other. A couple will often develop matching wrinkle lines because of it, because of mirroring each other so often. When you mirror someone regularly, you can in fact begin to look similar.  How do we mirror God in order to look like him?

            In Galations and Ephesians, Paul teaches us some of the divine wrinkle lines that we can look for in ourselves. He refers to them as fruits of the spirit, meaning things that are products of living a spiritual life. Here is the list: love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance, goodness, righteousness and truth. (Galations 5:22-23, Ephesians 5:9)

            Or, as Alma put it,

 40 …whatsoever is good cometh from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil.

 41 Therefore, if a man bringeth forth good works he hearkeneth unto the voice of the good shepherd, and he doth follow him; but whosoever bringeth forth evil works, the same becometh a child of the devil, for he hearkeneth unto his voice, and doth follow him.

Finally, how can we remain in the converted or changed state? And avoid returning to the unconverted condition?

            In the October 2011 general conference, Dale G Renlund of the quorum of 70 made the following analogy.

            In December 1967 the first successful heart transplant was performed in Cape Town, South Africa. The dying man’s diseased heart was removed, and a healthy heart from a deceased donor was sewn in its place. Since then, over 75,000 heart transplants have been performed worldwide.

            In each heart transplant recipient, the patient’s own body recognizes the new, lifesaving heart as “foreign” and begins to attack it. Left unchecked, the body’s natural response will reject the new heart, and the recipient will die. Medicines can suppress this natural response, but the medications must be taken daily and with exactness. Furthermore, the condition of the new heart must be monitored. Occasional heart biopsies are performed wherein small pieces of heart tissue are removed and then examined under a microscope. When signs of rejection are found, medications are adjusted. If the rejection process is detected early enough, death can be averted.

Surprisingly, some patients become casual with their transplanted hearts. They skip their medicines here and there and obtain the needed follow-up less frequently than they should. They think that because they feel good, all is well. Too often this shortsighted attitude puts the patients at risk and shortens their lives.

            So what can we do to maintain our changed heart? How can we ensure that we do not reject this new heart? In Ephesians 5, Paul gives some suggestions for how to live continually as what he calls “children of light.”

1 Be ye therefore followers of God, as dear children;

 2 And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us…

 3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;

 4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting… but rather giving of thanks.

 5 For this ye know, that no unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.

 7 Be not ye therefore partakers with them.

 8 For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:

 9 ([Showing] the fruit of the Spirit in all goodness and righteousness and truth;)

 10 Proving what is acceptable unto the Lord.

 14 …Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.

             So it seems that all the things which help us achieve that initial change of heart are exactly the same things that will help us to maintain it. Seeking and listening, serving others and sharing the truths we learn, and above all mirroring Christ in our daily lives, so that in imitating Him, we will become like Him.

We Are All Enlisted

We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er;
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Soldiers in the army, there’s a bright crown in store;
We shall win and wear it by and by.

A week ago, someone wrote a blog post. 

In 1848 the first Women's Rights Conference was held in Seneca Falls, outlying the goals and concerns of American women. In 1866  Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Susan B. Anthony formed the American Equal Rights Association, an organization dedicated to universal suffrage.

It wasn't enough. The conferences, the petitions, the marches, none of them granted women the right to vote…

But by 1920, a mere three years after Alice Paul's first act of civil disobedience by picketing the White House, women gained the right to vote.

As it turns out, the Suffragists weren't traitors, but liberators. 

Can you imagine what would happen if the Mormon Feminist movement stopped playing nice? If faithful, devoted women stood as Silent Sentinels outside the gates of the Church Office Building. If the women who loved the church enough to face accusations of apostasy and potential excommunication organized a sit-out, so that one Sunday no Mormon Feminists came to church. If we stopped organizing Friends of Scouting banquets until our daughters sat at the table, likewise recognized for their own accomplishments.

History has proven that civil disobedience works. Martin Luther King Jr., Alice Paul, Harvey Milk, and countless others faced accusations of treason when they apostatized from the status quo because they loved their country. 

"Remember the dignity of your womanhood. Do not appeal, do not beg, do not grovel. Take courage, join hands, stand beside us, fight with us." 

Mormon feminists, I think it is time for some good old-fashioned Civil Disobedience.

Haste to the battle, quick to the field;
Truth is our helmet, buckler, and shield.
Stand by our colors; proudly they wave!
We’re joyfully, joyfully marching to our home.

Within a day a Facebook group, All Enlisted, had been created, and had over 200 members. Because that is the speed of life now in the internet age.  They--we--began to discuss ways that we could practice civil disobedience. (Lookout world, never underestimate Mormon women’s ability to organize massive productions overnight!)

We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er;
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Soldiers in the army, there’s a bright crown in store;
We shall win and wear it by and by.

Hark! the sound of battle sounding loudly and clear;
Come join the ranks! Come join the ranks!
We are waiting now for soldiers; who’ll volunteer?
Rally round the standard of the cross.

So, the first act of civil disobedience that was chosen: Ladies wearing pants to church. Nice pants. Dressy slacks. En masse, on December 16. There is not a church policy against this. In fact, the long-standing official church policy is that church attendees should dress nicely and respectfully. No specifics in length, style, or number of leg holes have ever been laid out.

As one friend discovered when she went to the temple directly from work (in a pantsuit), and sheepishly asked at the front desk if there was some kind of rule... The elderly worker looked her right in the eye and said  "the rule is that you come to the temple whenever you can!"

Hark! ’tis our Captain calls you today;

Lose not a moment, make no delay!

Fight for our Savior; come, come away!

We’re joyfully, joyfully marching to our home.

I am joining this movement because I want to fight for our Savior and for His counsel to love one another, and judge not.
I remember a time when I was about 9 when one of the children's leaders wore pants in church. They were not even pants so much as a split skirt--I remember staring at her for at least half of the class time before concluding that, in fact, this was not a skirt. I was appalled at her. I couldn't believe she would wear pants to church. How wrong and bad!
I now look back at my nine-year-old self with sadness. I know that my parents never taught me to be so judgmental about the way a person dressed. So why did I feel so judgmental? I can only guess that it was pervasive in the culture. Actually, I know that fixations on how other people dress IS pervasive in Mormon culture. If you disagree, think about the last time you noticed someone's garment line (or lack thereof). Now I ask, why were you looking?! How is someone's underwear ever anyone else's business?!
I have never ever worn pants to church. It so happens that I love wearing dresses and skirts, and often wear them on weekdays. I don't particularly want to wear pants to church. BUT, I will be doing so because of this experience. I will be wearing pants to church to be an example to my children that I really do believe that "the lord looketh on the heart [rather than the outward appearance]." I believe in walking the talk. Is wearing pants to church a big deal? No. Will this single event bring about any of the other changes that the All Enlisted movement is hoping for? Not really. But we hope that it will help people to take a look at themselves and their socio-cultural prejudices, and take the opportunity to practice a little non-judgment.

We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er;
Happy are we! Happy are we!
Soldiers in the army, there’s a bright crown in store;
We shall win and wear it by and by.

So come, wear pants with us. I know we might look small now, but this is starting to get attention. There was a very perceptive blog post at Feminist Mormon Housewives, another at Like Unto Eve, another at Zelophehad's Daughters, and we got some attention on SLC's ABC news and in the Salt Lake Tribune (which includes an official statement from a Church spokesperson. Guess what, according to official sources, wearing pants to church is still a non-issue, just like it was in 1971).

Fighting for a kingdom, and the world is our foe;

Happy are we! Happy are we!

Glad to join the army, we will sing as we go;

We shall gain the vict’ry by and by.

This seemed like such a little thing. Wearing pants? What is this, 1942?! Some of the people in this movement want to see major changes (including female ordination). But most want smaller things, things which don't even touch doctrine, but merely policy or tradition. (Some of these things include women sometimes saying prayers at Church General Conferences, calling the Relief Society president "President" instead of "Sister," or women being asked if they will support their husband's callings in the same way that husbands are currently asked if they will support their wife's calling.)
And yet, the kickback has been enormous. Around 600 people have "joined" the event page, but dozens have also posted negative responses, suggesting that participants are unfeminine, disrespectful, apostate, and more. Who knew this was such a big deal?!

Dangers may gather—why should we fear?
Jesus, our Leader, ever is near.
He will protect us, comfort, and cheer.
We’re joyfully, joyfully marching to our home.

It seems to me that nothing has summed up this whole "thing" as well as this recent thread on the event page. 

persons herein have given their permission for me to post this, those left not-anonymous asked to be so

We are all enlisted till the conflict is o’er;

Happy are we! Happy are we!

Soldiers in the army, there’s a bright crown in store;

We shall win and wear it by and by.

Holidays After Loss ~ Special Ornaments

Recently The Amethyst Network has been working on renovating and updating our site and our organization. One new project we are launching is monthly blog circles, where we put up a hosting post and invite other bloggers to share their post on the same theme. This month the theme is "Holidays After a Loss."

customized with birthstone and name

During the first Christmas after my first loss, I had recently become pregnant again, and was very morning sick and honestly not thinking very much about the 3-month-old that I didn't have. One year later, with several more miscarriages behind me, I felt it much more keenly. I wanted a way to keep those babies as part of our Christmas. I remembered that my mother had been given an angel ornament after Amethyst passed away, and I decided to follow suit. Our living children each have their own special ornament, and so I began to purchase angel ornaments for each of my angel children. I have known families who purchased a new angel each year, but I just got one angel per baby (since there were several). Other families might prefer something other than angels, but the idea could still apply as a way to memorialize our little ones, and to keep them as part of our holidays.
Here you can see some of mine.

(the ball has l.e.d. lights so the angel changes color...)

Go check out TAN's hosting post here for links to other articles, or to add your own link to the circle.