Finding the Way

We are visiting family in another state right now. Thanks to several weeks away from home at this point, my kids' routines (especially their sleep patterns) are all out of whack. This afternoon we went to church with my sister in law and her family, but Bear (5) and Eagle (2) were really tired, and since mormon church lasts 3 hours, I decided to bring them home in the middle, so that they could get naps.
My sister in law offered to drive us home (we had all come in one car), but it is only a few blocks, so I said no, we would walk home.
On the way  home, Bear got several yards ahead of me (I was walking with Eagle at a slower pace). It's a residential area, with very little traffic, and I wasn't worried about him being quite a ways ahead of me, however he glanced back and saw how far apart we were and came running back.
"I was scared" he said. Scared of being too far ahead of me. Scared of going the wrong direction, because he didn't know how to find his aunt's house.

"It's ok," I assured him, "if you start to go the wrong way I will call out to you to come back to the right way."
"But mom, what if I get too far away and I can't hear or see you?"
"Then I will come looking for you until I find you."
"But mom, what if I am so far away that you can't find me!?"

I thought of the broader life implications as I answered that one. Beyond the few blocks walk back to his aunt's house, I know there will be times in his life (as there all in all our lives) when he feels lost, when he wants or needs direction from someone else. I hope that I can be someone he trusts for that direction, but I also know that there will be times when I cannot be the one he turns to.
So what did I tell him?
I told him that most of the people he will meet in the world are good people. I told him that if he can't find me, and doesn't know what to do, that he can ask someone else and they will help him.
And I believe that that applies more broadly than just our walk home too. There are so many sources of direction (good direction) and help. Sometimes it may be a parent or teacher or neighbor, but sometimes it might also come from a stranger. I have been inspired and directed by things I've read that were written by people I certainly don't know personally, and yet they have affected my life in significant ways. Obviously, we can also find direction and inspiration directly from Deity.
It's nice to have someone to hold hands with. On the other hand, even when there is nobody close enough to hold hands, there is still always someone (or Someone) who can help you find the way.

Of Hearts, Brains, and Assumptions

If you aren't liberal when you're young, you have no heart. 

If you're not conservative when you're old, you have no brain.

I've heard this several times recently.
I've also noticed that it is always said from old conservative people to young liberal people. In other words, it's something that old conservatives tell young liberals (and tell themselves) to justify the fact that they have changed as they've aged.
It's also pretty patronizing.
Because what I actually hear is this: "well, you're young and emotional, I am sympathetic to your childish feelings. But when you grow up and think about things more, you'll be like me."



How many times does one change in this regard? Because I started out very young as a conservative. It's what I was taught to be. And then in my mid-twenties I became liberal, because I learned more about the complexity of the issues and the world. When my parents were the age I am now, they were conservative... so did they get 'old' prematurely? Or do I get to qualify as 'old' in spite of my liberalism? I wonder, at what point will I be 'old'? President Obama turns 51 this year, and he's liberal. Sarah Palin is three years younger, but she's conservative.

Let us be logical here, political beliefs are not a product of age. They are the product, I think, of priorities. Consider, for example, the simple matter of finance. The average young person has very little money, and might naturally be in favor of things like economical stimulus programs and wealth redistribution. The average older person has significantly more money. They have probably worked hard for it, and they feel entitled to keep it rather than be obligated to share it. So they want to get rid of taxation on capital gains and estates.
A younger person--a poorer person--may be more likely to need assistance from welfare, whereas an older person is more concerned with investments, property taxes, and social security. This is all rational, I don't think less of a person for having different priorities than my own. I do get a bit miffed when they belittle my priorities or (especially) my intelligence.

Please, do tell me what you believe, and why. Tell me why it's important to you. I do care, and I am interested. If you can, give me statistics to back it up (because I find facts to be remarkably convincing). From time to time, new information leads me to change my perspective (that would be how I became the liberal I am today in fact).
But don't pat me on the head with a patronizing "Mother knows best" attitude. Do not belittle me, my mind, or my abilities in that way. Trust that I am capable of feeling--and thinking--rationally and responsibly.
Be willing to appreciate that we can have different interests and priorities, and that that's ok. We can still respect each other. Let's just stop pretending that our differences are a product of maturity or intelligence, because they aren't.

Happy Mother's Day

In the heavens are parents single? 

No, the thought makes reason stare. 

Truth is reason 

Truth eternal tells me

A year or so ago I wrote about my experiences with coming to know Mother in Heaven. Several people subsequently came to me telling me that they had similar feelings or experiences. Others came to me with a different message. "She is sacred," they said, "we should not talk about Her, at least not in public ways. She is too special. It is not appropriate to spread pearls before swine."

Humor me for a moment. Think of a mother that you know. Any mother, but preferably a mother with a lot of kids. Does she consider any of them to be swine? (aside from those little moments when they won't clean up their room or neglect to use a fork...) Would she want them to not know who she was? How about this scenario: some of them get to know her but some of them don't.
Can you think of ANY mother who feels that way about her children?

Speaking as a mother, as someone who knows many other mothers, I cannot.

I believe that our Mother in Heaven is there, is important, and wants us to know Her and know about Her and seek Her just as we do our Father and Brother. I believe that patriarchal cultural norms (including centuries of misogyny) have hidden Mother from many of Her children, but neither She NOR FATHER have ever wanted Her to be hidden from her children. That was and is and continues to be an entirely man-made construct.

While the rampant communication of the digital era has allowed rumors and misinformation to spread, and even allowed sacred things (that should be kept private) to be shouted from the rooftops, it has also facilitated the teaching of important truths to the world. The knowledge of Mother is a plain and precious thing, something that instantly and instinctively feels true to many when they hear it. Some people will reject it, because it us unfamiliar and belief persistence is a powerful thing. But I categorically reject the notion that we should keep this knowledge to ourselves. Mother matters, just as surely as motherhood or women themselves matter. To say otherwise is to practice benevolent sexism.

On Assumptions and Attribution, or, In Defense of Wild-Eyed Idealism

"Wild-eyed idealism is noble, wonderful, and impractical. Because we ourselves do good, and because we so ardently want everyone to be good, we think that simple social legislation will enable them to be so. But people don’t do good. People are selfish, and if we don’t make them work, they won’t."

I recently received the following as part of a longer letter from a family member. I've heard this argument from several sources lately, and it seems prevalent among the politically conservative demographic. I'm studying social psychology this term though, and it seems that there is a scientific explanation for this perspective, as well as for my own.
So this was my reply.



Enter social psychology, and the note that the majority of people assume internal attribution for behavior. In other words, the natural human inclination (apparently) is to assume that a person is what he is and does what he does because of who he is (without regard to circumstances). They guy in line ahead of you is slow and bumbling because he's stupid, or lazy, or careless; not because he narrowly avoided an accident getting here, or because he just found out that his wife has cancer.

There are some people (apparently I am one, as I discovered in a class exercise), who tend to be willing to give people the benefit of the doubt, and allow for the possibility--even probability--of an external attribution.
The book discussed social politics, in particular the example of welfare, and noted that the typical conservative line is that poor people got there because they were lazy or uncaring (internal attribute), and that they would prefer to just mooch off the system indefinitely. The typical liberal perspective is that people are poor because of lack of education, layoffs, lack of access to training or employment, and other such external attributes. The opinion on that side is that, given a little help, and some opportunities, they will use the system for a time, but ultimately that they want to be independent and support themselves.

So they've collected some statistics. It seems that the average person on government assistance is there for about a year. Then they are gainfully employed and support themselves. I found it interesting that the statistics seem to point much more one direction than the other...

Now I realize that in many cases the real truth is probably somewhere in the middle--that most situations arise out of a combination of internal and external reasons. It's interesting how we displace though. Several members of our family have been unemployed or underemployed within the last few years, and (knowing the specifics), we have all given each other the benefit of the doubt. We have assumed that each was doing the best he could to be employed, and we have prayed for each others' success. I did not hear any judgments about getting WIC, unemployment benefits, medicaid, or food stamps (although I know several of us have done that). Why then do we assume that the people that we don't know are any different from the ones we do know?

Judge not that ye be not judged. For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you (Matt 7:2). Christ taught that, Elder Uchdorf just quoted him a few days ago, with the simple sermon, "Stop It!" Obviously, feel free to vote as you believe is best. But in the meantime, watch your words, and your deeds, and even your thoughts (Mosiah 4:30), because a judgment within your heart is still a judgment.
I dare say this injunction against judgment applies not just to the behavior of individuals, but also to their politics. I feel strongly about my idealistic stances, and I don't think they are impractical. They may be improbable for right now, but wasn't Jesus himself the original wild-eyed liberal idealist? Is improbability (or even impracticability) a reason to give up on those ideals? Jesus didn't. And I may be the most tenacious person I know.

I can see clearly now...

Nine years ago I went in for a routine eye exam and came out with a very mild prescription (+0.50 in one eye and +0.25 in the other...). They said I had very good vision, but with a slight astigmatism, and that it would probably get in the way for when I was trying to see details on things, like reading or computer work.
Initially I didn't even get the glasses made, but then I thought of my coming quarter of school (three English classes plus working as a seamstress) and decided to go ahead and get them. I picked out some slender, silver, wire-framed glasses with a "preppy" look that were as invisible as possible on my face. Sure enough, when I spent consecutive hours doing close work, I felt eye strain and the glasses really helped.

Once I was out of school, I put the glasses in their case, and rarely used them. Occasionally (when I was tired, or working at something for many hours) I'd get them out. After several years of marriage my husband came home and saw me with the glasses and stopped dead in his tracks "You have glasses?!" Mmmm, yep, got them before we even met... but that just goes to show how rarely I wore them!

Fast-forward to a few months ago when I started grad school. Textbooks and lots of papers to write led me to get out my glasses on a regular basis. And I started to notice that I needed them, not just that they helped, but that I actually couldn't read or work at the computer very well without them. I noticed that captions on movies were fuzzy, I couldn't read them from across the room. (It's a big shift from the 20/15 vision I had at 10 years old.) Wolf has braces, so every couple of months Hubby or I needs to take him into Anchorage for his next appointment. Last week was my [first] turn, and so I made an eye appointment while I was in town. When we got into town the first night, we got into the rental car and I went to pull out of the parking lot and realized I couldn't read the signs and thought "whoa, I need my glasses for driving!" so I stopped and put them on. The next morning, on the way to the appointment, I grabbed my glasses, but promptly had to stop and take them off because my depth perception was all funky with them on.

The doctor did the exam and said "well, you're farsighted with an astigmatism, so you'll probably notice most when you're looking at close range, such as reading, or when there is glare, such as a computer screen or driving at night." Oh my, this guy was good. "And if you try to wear them just walking around the house, you'll probably stumble because it'll throw off your depth perception."
I guess I wasn't crazy after all.

So I have new glasses. My prescription is up just a smidge (now +0.50 in both eyes), and this time I got hefty plastic frames with no nose pieces and scratch-resistance, so they're a little more practical for someone who routinely has children climbing on her...

Lights in the Darkness

Winter in the arctic is long and dark. Actually we are coming out of it now (only a couple of weeks left until equinox), but in exchange, we get something that you in lighter parts of the world do not:

The Aurora

in spite of the variety of colors I see in other photos, ours here are pretty much just green

but I did take these photos from my living room

unfortunately the video I froze my tooshie off to get just shows darkness...
with a lot of me whispering "they're so bright!"

There is actually another thing that lights up the dark days:

and they're even multi-colored!

DO Go Gentle into That Good Night

This morning I read an article in the Wall Street Journal called Why Doctors Die Differently by Ken Murray, MD. It talked about several individuals who, following a diagnosis of cancer or other terminal illness, opted out of expensive 'lifesaving' (or life-prolonging) treatments, opting instead to maybe take some pain medications, and otherwise to just live life to the fullest for whatever little time they had left. And then to die, peacefully, at home.
Doctors!
Over half of doctors have "DNR" (do not resuscitate) in their advanced directives or living will (what they want done if they are still alive but unable to express their wishes). As the article explains

It's not something that we like to talk about, but doctors die, too. What's unusual about them is not how much treatment they get compared with most Americans, but how little. They know exactly what is going to happen, they know the choices, and they generally have access to any sort of medical care that they could want. But they tend to go serenely and gently.

Doctors don't want to die any more than anyone else does. But they usually have talked about the limits of modern medicine with their families. They want to make sure that, when the time comes, no heroic measures are taken.

The author speculates that maybe this is because doctors know the real rates of effectiveness of those heroic measures. In movies and other media, for example, CPR is portrayed as "successful in 75% of the cases [and] 67% of the TV patients went home. In reality, a 2010 study of more than 95,000 cases of CPR found that only 8% of patients survived for more than one month. Of these, only about 3% could lead a mostly normal life."

A follow-up article in The Guardian (a UK publication) cites British doctors' responses to Dr Murray's article. Although one doctor said he thought that he felt differently about the US medical system as opposed to the UK medical system, the general consensus there was the same.

Kate Adams, a GP in Hackney, London, thinks general practitioners "lose" their patients when they enter hospital and take end-of-life treatment decisions with consultants. "For me, quality of life is much more important than quantity. Sometimes patients and distressed relatives focus on quantity," she says. "I wouldn't necessarily go for chemotherapy and drugs that make you feel sick if it's only going to prolong my life for a short time."

"It's a topic that isn't talked about very often, and should be," agrees Dr Clodagh Murphy, another GP, who practises in Northern Ireland. "Most people think there's nothing worse than death – but we know that there is. That's why it's so difficult when you see an elderly patient with cancer; their natural instinct is to go for treatment, and you must respect that – but at the same time, you're thinking, 'So now you're going to have an operation with a six-month recovery period, which might make the last three years of your life even more hellish than if you'd let the illness take its course.'"

It's certainly food for thought, isn't it.  As Dr Murray concludes, "my doctor has my choices on record. They were easy to make, as they are for most physicians. There will be no heroics, and I will go gentle into that good night. Like my mentor Charlie. Like my cousin Torch. Like so many of my fellow doctors."

Lenten Thoughts #1--help thou mine unblief

Today, while the children were napping, I took my two minutes to sit in stillness and quietness to ponder. I did not have a mantra or particular concept in mind when I sat down, but almost immediately a scripture verse came to mind:

Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief  

(Mark 9:24)

The dichotomy is striking. I pondered on what it meant (since there is no conjunction in the sentence).
"I believe, but help mine unbelief?"
"I believe, and help mine unbelief?"
And then I was struck with "I believe, so help mine unbelief."

I think that belief is a choice, and that it is one we must make constantly, even daily. Belief may inherently mean daily looking unbelief in the face and saying "I still choose to believe." Some days, at least for me, it is more of "I want to believe," but the result is the same.


Lehi taught his son that "there must needs be opposition in all things," and so it is with belief. If you really care about your faith, about your spirituality, then you will have to face a certain amount of conflict over it. Sometimes that conflict comes from outside yourself, and sometimes from within. Sometimes it comes both directions.

So choosing belief can also mean accepting unbelief as something that you'll have to face repeatedly.
And that's ok.
Because when your doubts cause you to question your faith, you can also use your faith to question your doubts.

Lent 2012

This year I've decided to observe Lent. I've never done this before--most Mormons don't--but a friend mentioned that she was doing it, and planted the idea. Then I was chatting with another friend of mine (who is Catholic) and she said this:

We consider Lent a time of penitence. While "giving something up" is a nice idea, and sometimes we do that, we see it as a time of taking something on as well. One year, we committed to attending morning Mass, every day of Lent. So, I don't think you have to give up something, like a favorite food. It should be about doing something that brings you closer to God: if that's giving something up, then I think that's great. If it's taking something on, then that's great too. But I think that all too often people just pick something, give it up, and don't think twice about it. Then there are those who have no formal rituals, but give themselves fully to the season of penitence that Lent should be.

I liked what she said. Then, just a day or two later, I read this article Don't Get Caught in the Lent Trap, and here is someone else saying that Lent often becomes a season of holy one-upmanship, rather than a time of truly trying to draw closer to Deity.

So I tried to think of what I might do to draw closer to Deity, and the answer came quickly and easily: daily meditation. Just two minutes a day, that shouldn't be hard, right? (I'll tell you, it already was hard on the first day, because I'm not used to this yet! I just forgot to do it until nearly bedtime!)

I am trying to be conscious of what Phil McLemore said in his article Mormon Mantras: that when one first begins practicing meditation, it may feel boring, or stressful, and the thoughts that come may be deeply subjective, before they are able to be transformative. BUT that's the whole point of continued practice!

I was reading another article from Psychology Today this afternoon and found Nine Essential Qualities of Mindfulness, and it was a very timely find. The nine essentials are:

• focus on the present moment
• being fully present
• open to experience
• non-judgment (oooo, I've written about that before)
• acceptance of things as they are
• connection
• non-attachment
• peace and equanimity
• compassion

I actually already had an interesting epiphany today, but that will be in its own post. :)

One Eternal Round

"In our worship there are two elements: 

one is the spiritual communion arising from our own meditation; 

the other, instruction from others . . . 

of the two, the more profitable . . . is the meditation. 

Meditation is one of the most secret, 

most sacred 

doors through which we pass into the presence of the Lord." 

~President David O McKay

Last Friday night, I sat in a darkened room, listening to "Holy Now" on repeat, and visualized a ball of light within myself. I watched and felt that light extend through my root chakra and into the earth, and through my crown chakra and into the sky. I drew in energy from my Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother, and extended out metaphysical arms of that energy and light to connect with other women, forming a circle of "holding hands" even though we were in 4 separate states. We then prayed for each other, sharing our words via skype (because we are so far apart). Then we sent our prayers and energies out into the world, to all nations, kindreds, tongues, and peoples, asking for blessings of peace and healing, and pledging to do our part to enact those things within our spheres of influence.
That prayer circle was intensely spiritual. And I never would have thought to participate in such a thing if I had not opened the door to integrate paganism and eastern spirituality with my faith practice.

~

When I was a teenager, we had an exchange student from central america come to stay with our family for three months. She was Catholic, and we took her to mass each week. I remember sitting in those services and thinking "this is really different from my church, but it's beautiful." I loved the beauty, I loved the ritual. I discussed it with my parents once, how I wished that we had more ritual in our church. They smiled and said that when I went through the temple I would get to participate in more ritual. So I looked forward to that day.
When that day came, they were right, some parts had ritual that I found exquisite and meaningful...but some parts really did not. I was more than a little disappointed. I still craved ritual as an enactment of meaningful spirituality.

~

When I was in college, as part of my research for my role in Macbeth, I learned about modern Wicca, and was fascinated. The intentionality, formality, and simplicity of their ritual style, calling upon elements and communing with nature, appealed to me.
A little over a year ago, I adopted a more intentional, more mindful, more open integrated mormon-pagan path. About six months ago, I joined a coven with three other women. These women are my sisters, my coven, my fellow "morgans" (mormon-pagans). I meet with my coven each week for a group chat on skype (we often talk more than once a week, but our scheduled chat is important and we all make efforts to make sure we are always there). We are all active, caring, involved mormons. We are all also finding things from outside the mainstream church very helpful to us in our spiritual journey.

~

Samhain (Oct 31-Nov 1) is the pagan new year, a time of endings and new beginnings (which is why they believed that the veil between life and death was thin, and thus spirits of the dead could walk among us). Last Samhain, in the spirit of new beginnings, I changed the "religion" entry on my facebook profile. Now it says

Universalist Mormon Pagan

Embracing truth wherever it is found. 

Seeking the wisdom of my Mother, Father, Savior, and Spirit. 

Observing seasons, esbats, and Sabbats. 

Rejoicing in the restored gospel. 

Keeping my temple recommend. 

Feeling fulfilled.

I made this change in solidarity with the others in my coven. I don't know whether anyone actually looks at what it says in a person's facebook profile, but there was something about the act of putting it out there into public space that felt good. As Jena explained,

When it comes down to it, Paganism has made me a better Mormon. Lighting a candle while I pray makes me feel more focused and keeps my mind from wandering so much. Adding ritual elements to my day-to-day makes me feel more connected with God. Is it "critical to my salvation"? No, but I don't think it hurts, and it makes my faith rituals feel more intentional. I miss that in mainstream Mormonism. I feel like we've had some of the beauty scrubbed out of our general practice. Incense and oil were burnt in the ancient temples of Israel to purify and sanctify the space and to lift prayers to Heaven...[but] we've become so much about practicality and uniformity in modern times. Things like beauty in architecture and adornment, scent, sound... we rarely use more of our physical senses than sight and hearing in our services and rituals, and I think that makes our correlated practices... sterile. Homogenized. Pasteurized. Devitalized. Boring. Uninspiring.

For me, bringing in these new elements has given my faith vitality again in a time when I desperately need it. It makes it easier for me to feel like I'm in touch with Divine power, like I can receive revelation and inspiration, be guided and protected. I feel a little bit more spiritually alive, and I crave that. I have always craved it.

"The spirit is a present-moment reality. Meditating, pondering, and contemplating are powerful spiritual disciplines. They take us to the present, where the spirit is experienced directly--to the only state in which we can commune with the Infinite."

This board is filled with things that I 
find magickal, or spiritually inspiring

from Mormon Mantras: A Journey of Spiritual Transformation by Philip McLemore (He also did a podcast which you can get here)

In the pagan worldview, everything is interconnected, and everything is blessed. In other words, we are all part of one eternal round, and everything is holy. I find that when I believe that I will find this holiness, this magick, then I do find it. When I believe in it, I am able to experience it.

Interconnectedness & Blessedness
Everything is Holy Now:
Elements, Celestial Bodies,
Wonders of the Natural World
Seasons, Cycles, & the Wheel of the Year

Perhaps it's because I'm aware of what is around me, and perhaps I actually attract it. I don't know. What I do know is that I'm taking my spirituality into my own hands, and the result is magickal ♥