What I Can Do

When I was 7 or 8, my dad brought home a filmstrip (yes, a filmstrip!) about a woman who had no arms. I vividly remember two scenes from that movie, one where she was in a grocery store, repeatedly slipping her foot out of her flip-flop sandal to use it to examine produce and put it in her cart, and the other where she was sitting on a barstool in her kitchen, carefully slicing a tomato with her feet.

 ~

I remember a few months ago, many of my facebook friends passing around a youtube video link of a young mother who also didn't have arms (or didn't have the use of her arms? I don't recall exactly). She picked up her infant, rocked him, and changed his diaper, all with her feet. Most of my friends made comments to the effect of "wow, I will never complain about the tasks of motherhood again, I have it so easy!"

 ~

Once when I was talking about my miscarriage experiences, someone said "I don't know how you do it."
I will tell you how I did it--how I do it--how those other women did what they did. We simply did what we had to do. And when the situation was in our faces, we could do it because we had to do it.


We are capable of many things, some we know we can handle, some we don't know until we are in the situation. But I maintain that we are capable of much. You never know what you can do until you are tested, but don't discredit yourself by saying "I could never do that." Because, chances are, if you had to, you could.

And now, with the knowledge that you can...consider striking out and making the situation for yourself. Not all challenges are negative things. Sometimes we have to take the initiative to make things start to happen. Don't let fear hold you back. "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."

Believe in Yourself

I am only one, but I AM one

Recently, my husband and I watched The Blind Side. It's a movie about a woman who takes in a homeless boy and makes him part of her family. Initially she just offered him a place to stay for a few nights, but over time she got him a tutor so that he could graduate from high school, and then she adopted him, and put him through college. They lived in the south, and her white friends all gave her grief for taking in a black boy, saying that he would rob her and leave in the night, and that he was dangerous. But she was not hung up on social or racial stereotypes, she just saw a need, and she filled it, and she changed not only his life but her own in the process. (It was a great movie, by the way.)
We may not all have the financial means to take in a big teenager as she did, but we do all have the means to do something--to be forces for good in the world around us. Just a few days ago I showed my 11 year old son the Heifer Intl website, and he got really excited at the idea of using part of our christmas budget to provide animals to people in third world countries. A friend of mine has begun spending about $20/month to give micro-loans via Kiva. You don't have to do something big in order to do something good.

I am only one, but I am one.

I cannot do everything, but I can do something.

And what I can do, with God's help, I will do.

And I dare say, if I am not doing what I can do, shame on me!

In Defense of Orthopraxy in Times of Doubt

Orthodox:  
[from Greek orthos correct + doxa opinion, idea, doctrine]

correctness of [religious] belief

Orthopraxy:  
[from Greek orthos correct + praxis deed, action]

correctness of [religious] action or practice.

I think it is only human to sometimes have questions, or doubts, particularly in an area so delicate and personal as faith. For many of us, our faith directs our worldview, and if a piece of it comes into question then  it may feel as though a house of cards is falling (or about to fall).

What then are we to do, when we feel uncertain about something? My conclusion is that we should study, certainly, and try to sort things out. But in the meantime, we should go on living according to the things that we have believed--or have been taught--to be correct.

I can hear the arguments: "But isn't it living a lie, to do it if you're not sure?" In short, no, I don't think so. To do it if you were certain it was wrong, that would be a lie. But if you're not sure, then either path (to do or to not do) could be equally valid. And to do will, in my estimation, be the more productive of the two.

If any man will do His will, 

he shall know of the doctrine, 

whether it be of God, 

or whether I speak of myself.  

John 7:17

Scripture teaches clearly that we can find truth in the practicing of behaviors. A more modern take on this concept might be to "fake it till you feel it." I'm not advocating that anyone be dishonest with themselves about anyone else. If you feel strongly about an issue, then by all means follow your heart. But if you simply have questions, or feel unsure or confused about something, then I think the answer is to live orthopraxically until you have the feelings or understandings that will allow you to believe orthodoxically.

And if you do not ever find your mind settling into orthodoxy, I think orthopraxy is still a valid option. At the moment I find myself thinking about certain gospel topics in some relatively unorthodox ways...and yet overall I still want to be part of the active *LDS community. So I am orthopraxic; and whatever may be going on inside my head (or on my blog), I am still doing all the things I've been taught to do. Where my head may end up I don't know. But my actions will keep me right here.

*When I say "LDS Community" I am referring to the formal church organization headquartered in Salt Lake City, and not to the larger Mormon world (which includes those who are mormon in culture, heritage, or beliefs, but may not be baptized/active members of the LDS church).

30 Days--Day 14

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

My Bear. 

I love all my children, but Bear was my miracle baby after so many miscarriages. 

There is something special about that.

His birth brought me a lot of healing, and his attachment to me during infancy and toddlerhood (while sometimes tiring) gave me a very fulfilling kind of motherhood.

Thoughts on Patriotism

(I'll warn you upfront that this post carries a tone of frustration and annoyance at the narrow definition of 'patriotism' that I often encounter.)

I like to be patriotic. I think our national holiday is a good time to think about what patriotism is and how we can be patriotic. I do NOT think that the military is the be all and end all of patriotism.
There you have it. I'm sick and tired of people saying "well I wanted to serve my country so I enlisted..." By all means, support the troops. If you'd like to enlist, feel free! But if you'd like to serve your country, please remember that you can do it in many other ways too. My husband wanted to serve his country, so he became a school teacher. My friend wanted to serve, so she works for a local women's shelter. I care about my country, so I teach my children to take care of the earth we live on and to serve the people we live around. I care about my country, so I get involved with politics, and I always vote.
As I said, I support the troops--the men and women who get out and do things. I really don't support the military-industrial complex that the USA has developed. I'm a pacifist, conscientious objector, and so on.  A friend of mine (who served in the military for several years by the way) has some very similar opinions about this. She wrote a great post here.

There's another thing that really makes me sick, and I hear it every Independence Day too: We live in a great country ("the promised land" yadda yadda yadda), and in fact it is the best country on earth. No it's not folks. We live in a great country, definitely. We in the United States have a lot of blessings and opportunities that are not available elsewhere. We have a lot of wealth (a ridiculous amount in fact). But we are not superior to other countries or peoples. More blessed (in certain areas), sure, but not superior.
Can we please learn to appreciate what we have without knocking down others in the process? Julie can be pretty without saying that Susie is ugly, you know?

That's all. Be grateful and happy with what you have. Work to take care of it and of the people around you. Remember that no one is inherently superior to anyone else, especially not because of being born between some transient manmade borders.

Clarity Moon

x-posted at Mother Wheel

The first Sunday of the month is "Fast Sunday" for LDS members. We traditionally abstain wholly from two meals. There are multiple purposes for this--first, the money saved can be donated to the needy; second, denying oneself in this manner is an exercise in self-control, of spirit over body. This spiritual 'tuning-in' can help us focus our prayers for greater efficacy as well.

During pregnancy and breastfeeding, my body needs the nutrition of not skipping meals. So I have not fasted regularly in years. Although it has been months since my baby started eating enough solid food that I could skip a meal or two, I am simply out of the habit, and usually forget about fasting.

This month, the new moon was on Friday, and I began my fast on Saturday night. For 24 hours I am not eating (I am drinking water for the sake of avoiding dehydration, but only water). In January (right after winter solstice), during my Purification Moon, I cleansed my body by abstaining from sugar for several days. Now, six months later (right after summer solstice) seems a good time to cleanse my spirit. So as I fast, I am praying for spiritual clarity. As we all do from time to time, I have been struggling with some matters of faith in the last few months. So today I put my body under subjection to my spirit, and ask the Divine to help me see things more clearly.

Finding the Feminine Divine

This is a post that has been on my mind for some time, but which I've hesitated to write for fear of how it might be received.

This year, I have been coming to know God the Mother.

~~~

I remember in college my agnostic roommate told me that she thought the ideal deity would be a trio, one each male, female, and neuter. But she was an open-minded agnostic, not a mainstream Christian. Judaism talks about the God of Abraham and Isaac, and in the next breath about the God of Sarah and Rebekah...so that seems more open to female inclusion, but still, a pretty patriarchal picture of things. Christianity says that Jesus is male, and by using terms like "Father" pretty clearly indicates that God is also male (or perhaps without gender). So I was sure I couldn't talk about the Feminine Divine to other Christians, could I? It would be edgy at best, and possibly blasphemous.
Then one day, just after reading Dance of the Dissident Daughter, I got up the guts to raise the concept of the Feminine Divine in conversation with a Protestant friend. She said "well it makes sense that God should have both female and male aspects, to be perfectly balanced, and the idea of a married couple sure works for that."

Here I'll back up for a moment and explain that Mormon theology takes a different approach to Deity than most other Christian faiths: we teach that God is male and embodied, as is the Son. The Holy Spirit is spirit, but all three are distinctly separate beings. And, to top it off, God is married, and His wife is also a Deity--a Goddess, our Heavenly Mother.

And I'm getting to know Her.

This simple outline was something I'd understood since childhood. God is married, we have a Heavenly Mother, but we don't really talk about Her. She's there, and that's all we need to know.
I have been content with this my entire life. Truly. I knew other women who felt patronized by patriarchy and wanted to reach out to a Feminine Divine, but I was no feminist. She was there, and that was good enough for me. I never sought Her out.

And then, one day, She sought me.

Moon Goddess by Josephine Wall

That's the only way I can think to describe it. One night an awareness and understanding of her came to my mind powerfully and emotionally, (the story is here) and from that moment onward I see Her everywhere. She is in the moon and in the sea. She is in the trees and in the temple. She is in me, and She has become part of my daily life.

And now I realize, She was there all along, I just hadn't see her.

~~~

I recently was privileged to share in a Daughters of Mormonism podcast about some of the many symbols that help me connect to Mother Goddess. If you're interested, you can listen to it here.

"The truth will set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live," (Sue Monk Kidd in Dance of the Dissident Daughter).  Indeed, I feel like a new woman in so many ways, and yet I know I can never go back to the simpler life or faith I had before. I know more, I see more, I am more. Things are not simple anymore (and, in full honesty, knowing Mother is only part of it).

There are many of us (mostly women, but not all) who have been finding and knowing our Goddess in recent months and years. Many mormons are uneasy about discussing Her or trying to know Her because little has been said via official sources, but more and more of us are connecting with Her regardless. Some of my friends have expressed that they feel Her 'moving in the world' or that we 'have reached a tipping point.' One of my friends has instigated a movement, inviting us all to pray specifically for revelation about Mother.


If this intrigues you at all, I encourage you to check out some of the following links. They are some of the resources which have fed me in my knowledge and understanding of Mother Goddess:

• With Your Mutual Approbation (a blog "likening the scriptures" to include Heavenly Mother)
• "Finding the Divine Feminine part 1" and "Finding the Divine Feminine part 2" from the Daughters of Mormonism podcast
• "Is Heavenly Mother Making a Comeback in Mormonism?" by Joanna Brooks
• "A Mother There: a survey of historical teachings about Mother in Heaven" by Paulsen and Pulido (published by BYU studies)
• "Heavenly Mother in Today's Mormonism" a Mormon Matters podcast (panel discussion based on the prior article--I should warn you that the moderator dropped a muttered expletive right near the beginning of the episode...but otherwise it was great)

30 Days - Day 28

(yes, I'm doing them out of order. This is the random-abstract part of my personality showing through. My mother's concrete-sequentialness, though well taught, shall not prevail!!)

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Heights
or edges
or heights + edges
I guess it comes down to a fear of falling? When I used to have to go out on the catwalk to hang stage lights for the theater, I would get a feeling like all my insides were falling right out through my woohoo (there's a visual for ya!). I still get it a little if I get too close to the edge at a scenic overview or something.

Celebrating Summer Solstice

 

Background:
Summer Solstice is also known as Litha. This is the time when the Sun God reaches his peak (literally the Sun's apex), and it is also a time when the Goddess shows the fullness and abundance of her pregnancy. It's not a fertility festival in that it's not about sex, but it IS about life, and fullness, and it is a time when we begin to gather the earliest harvest--usually herbs. This time of year is also fishing season.

While many handfastings (similar to betrothals or 'trial marriages') are performed at Beltane, the more serious, permanent marriages are commonly entered into at Litha. As put by one author, the playfulness of Beltane escalates into passion at Midsummer [source]. Thus the Honey Moon, newlywed honeymoons (and mead) are traditional parts of this festival.

In Christian tradition, midsummer (usually June 24) is St John's Day (John the Baptist, Jesus' cousin who was six months older). This is a great time to celebrate baptism, committing oneself to God, or a renewal of those covenants. For those who are LDS and believe that the Aaronic Priesthood was restored through John, then this could be a good time to celebrate the priesthood, including the priesthood holders in our lives (convenient how it's so close to Father's Day huh?).

The God in his wild form (as the Greenman or Horned God) is actually strikingly similar to John the Baptist in some ways, both living in the wilderness, at one with nature, and subsisting on wild foods.

Fairies are also abroad at Litha.



Symbols:

• Sun colors--red, orange, and yellow
• The Greenman, Horned God, Pan (god of nature), satyrs, fairies
• firebird/phoenix, dragon

Foods:

• early harvest berries, vegetables, or fruits
• food cooked outside--grilled or cooked in a fire
• herbs 
• herbal teas
• honey or mead
• fish (the salmon are running here)
• bread or cookies in sun shapes
• anything yellow, orange, round, or otherwise sun-like

Activities:

• gather and dry herbs
• hold a BBQ or bonfire with friends
• go camping
• go on a picnic
• talk about baptism
• swim or play in water (particularly rivers) in mindfulness of baptism
• talk about priesthood
• give priesthood blessings to each family member
• go wildcrafting (collecting wild plants for domestic use, whether as food, medicine, or decoration). For example, collect dandelions and make chains from the blossoms, and/or make medicinal tea from the roots.
• get up at sunrise and stay up till sunset, enjoying the longest day of the year

Resources:

• Asiya's Shadows article (extremely informational)
• Witchvox article (long and dense, but lots of info also)
• Celtic Connection article (brief and basic)

Letters

The earliest letter I had from my cousin was when she was in second grade, so I must have been about 6 myself. Those early exchanges consisted of so few sentences that they probably scarcely justified a stamp (even though it was only 25cents!).
When I was 7, her family visited ours, and I remember spending half the week creating a secret language together which we subsequently used in our letters.
We wrote regularly--usually exchanging every month or so--until we both got to college. During high school our letters regularly reached 2-3 full pages (mine handwritten on college-ruled paper, hers typed). In college the letters slowed, and gradually transferred to sporadic emailing. But for over a decade we had written regularly.


By middle school I had two other pen-pals as well, and while the letter exchanges with them were never as frequent as with my cousin, we still wrote for years.


In high school I began corresponding with another cousin. He was my first male correspondent, and I don't know if it was a product of age or maturity or what, but we were both shy and writing to each other not only gave us a source for mutual encouragement in that matter (and a resource for trying to begin to understand the opposite sex!), but also gave us a chance to get to know each other. We had always lived several states apart, and had never really gotten to know each other. Those letters continued sporadically though his foreign mission (those 80 cent stamps got expensive, not to mention the slow transit time for international mail).

Through high school and college I kept a journal too. A lengthy, rambling, emotionally volatile thing. I still have those volumes, though I'm not certain what good they are doing me. I shared them with my husband when we were engaged, but he didn't get very far through them...they are just too loooong.


While I was in college I wrote faithfully for over a year to a dear friend on his mission. He was serving within the United States, and we exchanged letters weekly. The letters were long, often several typewritten pages. I remember perfuming one so that he could brag to his companion about it. My roommate was also writing to a missionary, but he did not write nearly so often, and I often hid my letters from her to spare here feelings because she always got depressed that I got more (and better) letters than she did. This missionary and I had started as just friends, but over the months and letter by letter we became very close. The timing was such that I ended up getting engaged before he came home, but had I not, I am sure I'd have dated him when he got home, and I would likely have married him.

My husband and I met online, and for 8 or 9 months we had a long-distance relationship. Even the first two months of our engagement were long-distance. We had lots of late night phone calls and instant-messaging conversations, but we also wrote emails. 


I don't maintain very regular correspondence with anyone now. My family all emails each other fairly regularly. Each of my siblings has served foreign missions and been allowed the use of email, so there's a weekly email from whomever is on a mission, and both of my parents write most weeks. One of my sisters (or her husband) still sends a family email every week, just like when she was on the mission.


A lot of my thoughts end up on my blog now, rather than in personal letters or in a journal. But writing continues to be a regular part of my life. I am glad that it is so.☺