Yes We Cry

I have always told my children that it's ok to cry. (Have I ever mentioned that I have all boys? And that the societal standard is "be a big boy now, don't cry!" Well I refuse to buy it.) Everybody gets hurt sometimes, and everybody has a right to cry if they need to. Or to cry if they want to. And who am I to dictate whether or not an injury (physical, emotional, or otherwise) is big enough for crying?
So I don't.
My boys all know that it's ok to cry if we need to. They also all know that sometimes we need to go to a different space (for example, to our bedroom) if our crying is loud and disturbing other people. But it is always ok to cry.

Right now my 4-year-old is in an emotionally volatile stage, and has meltdowns over being given the wrong color of cup for his milk, or if the milk was not filled to a precise height within the cup, or if someone looked at him funny, (or breathed in his general direction...). I recognize all these things as being petty little things, but if he feels that they warrant crying then I'm not going to squelch his emotions. I'd rather he let it out than learn to be emotionally constipated. However, he also knows that his outbursts are not something that the rest of us want to listen to. At present he usually decides to cry, and then hops up and runs to his room before he bursts out with the wailing. Even when I know the crying is not genuine, I am not willing to tell him that he's not allowed to feel. He'll outgrow the meltdowns, but he should never have to outgrow being able to express his feelings.
So in this house, yes, we cry.

30 Days--Day 9

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

My mother

(I realized that she and I have the same problem--as the mommies we are usually behind the camera, so there are not a lot of photos of either of us, let alone photos of both of us! Thanks be for wedding photos!)

On the receiving end...

This week I lost my wedding ring. On Thursday at 11am I know it was on my finger--I happened to be talking with a friend about gem size (how random!) and I looked at my ring for reference.

A few hours later, at 3pm, I sat at the computer to do something and as I looked down at my hand I noticed that the band was there but the diamond ring was not.

In the interim I had done laundry, washed dishes, and run several errands...including spending an hour at the beach with my kids. I began searching the house and car, but my gut told me from the beginning that my ring was probably at the beach.

My ring has never fit very snugly, but it has never fallen off either. But cold fingers shrink a bit and I had forgotten my gloves so my hands had been nearly numb at the beach.  Plus there had been a lot of picking up/putting down with the baby and that could have snagged it and pulled it off. That was the only explanation I could think of for how it could have gotten off my finger without my noticing.

Ironic, I think, to lose my wedding ring mere days after posting here that it was my most treasured item. At the time I wrote that post I had no idea how much it would upset me to lose it. I am not one to get very upset over things--things are just things, not as important as people...but I definitely was upset. I even cried, which isn't terribly common for me (and surprised me a little, because I can't recall ever having cried over a thing before).

In any case, as I searched around the house, I also left a message on a facebook group that I'm part of. It's a local 'buy/sell/trade' group, and I had not even known of its existence until literally a week ago when a friend recommended it as a good place to sell our box spring.  So I posted that I had lost a white gold diamond solitaire with engraving inside and that I was pretty sure it was at Bishop's Beach, and that I knew it was a long shot but if anyone happened to find it please let me know.
In the first 24 hours several people commented and one offered to let me borrow a metal detector after the weekend, but I admit I was still not very hopeful. One little ring on a whole rocky beach. Even knowing roughly where I had been on that beach, one shifted rock could mean the difference between ever finding it or not. Not to mention the tide...

This is the beach where I lost it...lots of rocks...not a smooth surface anywhere

Then last night someone asked (on the facebook thread) if I had reported it on Bushlines. Apparently the local radio station does a lost & found, ridesharing, lost pets, and a job line all rolled into one "bushline" which is broadcast three times a day. So I called in and reported my ring missing and left my number. About the same time I called, someone (a complete stranger to me) replied on the FB thread saying that her husband said that he thought he'd heard a wedding ring reported found at Bishop's Beach the night before on bushlines... Well, nothing to do but wait at that point.

Then someone called from church saying that he'd found a ring. I surmised that his wife had seen my facebook status that my ring was missing. I couldn't imagine how he might have found my ring but he asked me to describe it and I started with "white gold" and "a square diamond" and he interjected "with three small diamonds on each side!" Um, no, no diamonds on the side. Apparently he had found someone elses ring.  (It had been in their truck and they found it when they were cleaning out--his wife had given me a ride a week or so ago so he guessed it was mine. But it wasn't. (Apparently wedding rings go missing a lot, or, at least, a lot have gone missing this week...in addition to mine and the one that turned up in my friend's truck, two of my other friends said they have also lost their rings recently, and my new sister in law lost hers this week as well...they've been praying for me to find mine, I continue to pray for them to find theirs.)

This morning I turned on the radio at 9:30 to make sure I didn't miss Bushlines at 10. At 9:50 or so, my phone rang. It was a woman saying that the radio station had just called her, and she thought she had my ring but could I describe it. Oh boy could I describe it! White gold, square diamond, band soldered to the side "and it's engraved" she said, "what does the engraving say?"

home again

And of course, since it was my ring, I knew what the engraving says.

ever will I love you

She said she had been playing with her dog on the beach and saw a ring laying there and figured somebody would like it back. So she brought it home and she called Bushlines. She also reported it to the police (it'll probably still appear in next week's blotter).
I made my famous brownies and took her a plate of warm soft chocolate goodness when I went to pick up the ring. I thanked her profusely and told her she made a miracle for me this week.Her husband (who was the one who was home when I went to get it) said that as soon as I told her what the engraving said she knew I was the rightful owner. I guess that goes to show that it's good to get engraving on your rings, AND to have it say something unique!

This week I was on the receiving end of a miracle.
One stranger found my ring and reported it to bushlines.
A local radio station (run by strangers) offered a program where such a thing could be reported.
A friend had recommended joining the swap page at just the right time.
Many friends prayed for me to find it.
A stranger heard the bushlines announcement,
and his wife (another stranger) saw my post on the swap page and replied to me.
And now I have my treasure back on my hand again.
And I am very grateful. I love this community.

(and if you wouldn't mind, send up a prayer for my sister in law and my two friends who haven't found their rings yet...I am)

30 Days--Day 8

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

"Hey mom, we're planets!"

taken in 2004, so Wolf (left) was 4, and on the right is my youngest brother (who was 3). 

(there are others...perhaps I should start a regular feature "pictures that make me laugh" hmm, I would have so many things to post for that... my kids make me laugh almost every day, and my husband or dog get the days in between!)

Further Thoughts on Feminism

I've written before of why I do not consider myself a feminist, although I am staunchly pro-woman. I have never felt comfortable with the title of "feminist" because I disagree with many of the most-loudly broadcast feminist issues, particularly those that involve devaluing motherhood. As I said last May, I feel that the most loudly heard feminist issues seem to be those that urge women to be like men, and in the long run I think that brings down both men and women.

However, a few months ago I had a conversation with my friend Jenne who expressed the thought that she also didn't agree with all of "feminism," however she found that she did agree with many things, and felt like it made more sense to stand with it than against it, in spite of her differences.
Well that's logical.
She is certainly not my only feminist friend, but I guess of all the ones who use that title for themselves, she was the one I related to in the right ways in the right moment. And so I've been thinking... because I have a habit of adjusting my opinions when I learn new information, and that applies to parenting, politics, spirituality, and apparently to feminism. Perhaps I have more in common with them than I realized. I do not personally feel repressed, but I can see societal trends that are certainly disgusting and unhealthy (The "Killing Us Softly" series about images of women in advertising series comes to mind). I also see a lot of women who have been taught to distrust themselves, their intuition, and their bodies. I have written many posts here about trusting our bodies in birthing, listening to our gut in parenting, and I think that this trust of the female self IS lacking in our society. So while I'm not out burning bras or demanding a job as a CEO, I realize that I am something of a feminist activist when I write about my experiences or beliefs about birthing or miscarriage or being a faithful keeper of my home and family.

I still do not exactly consider myself a "Feminist" per se--I greatly prefer the term "Egalitarian," because rather than focusing on equality for one gender over another, it simply promotes fairness for everybody, regardless of gender, race, creed, or practice.

Merriam Webster defines egalitarianism as

1: a belief in human equality especially with respect to social, political, and economic affairs

2: a social philosophy advocating the removal of inequalities among people

However, if you want to call me a feminist, well, I suppose the boot fits. ☺

My feet. In boots. Sexy woman boots. With heels.

30 Days--Day 7

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

This is an awkward question, because it implies that a material item could rate highly enough to be a 'treasure' and honestly, I'm struggling to think of a THING that matters that much to me. The first 'thing' I thought of was my family, and try as I might I can't think of anything else that even comes close. SO, rather than pretend that something else is my treasure, I'll just share the material item(s) that I wear every day that represent my family: my mother's ring (with a little rock for each child) and my wedding ring (with a big rock for Hubby).

My mother's ring
Bear (garnet), diamond, Eagle (citrine), diamond, Wolf (alexandrite)

My wedding ring (and Hubby's matching one)

Gentle Parenting Question

I got this comment on one of my parenting posts last week, and while I don't know if I can give a really good answer, I will try. I would love it if any of my readers have ideas for this mama and would like to leave comments for her as well.


My son (3 next month) was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes last year and has to have his blood tested and get insulin injections before and after he eats. That's the reality--he HAS to have it done. Understandably, he hates it. And it's just getting harder and harder to get him to willingly comply. Being almost 3 isn't helping our situation, either!
I've started giving him a fuzzy in a jar every time he cooperates, but I hate bribing him. And, I know that it's bribing him and not really teaching him, but I don't know what else to do! We let him choose what finger to test, where to give his insulin shots, we sing songs to him while we give him his shots and let him choose those, we try to explain to him why he has to have it done (my husband also has type 1 diabetes so he's got someone else around to relate to), and we try to explain (as much as you can to a 3 year old!) that he can't eat until he has his blood checked, and that he'll feel yucky if he doesn't have a shot of insulin after he eats. I honestly don't know what else I can do to make it easier on all of us. Help!
I know that it could potentially get easier as he gets older and starts to understand a little more, but until then, I need suggestions on what I can do as a parent to avoid bribing him to do something he has to do. Thanks so much, and sorry this came out so long! 

Firstly, this is a hard one. I've never had to face something quite like this. I think the most similar thing I can think of is vaccinations and my son (of similar age) hates them, but that's one poke and then several months before another one...he hates them and cries but it's over fast and then we don't have to do it again for a while. Having to do it multiple times a day, every day, is a whole different ballgame.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't have any real experience to draw from, so I'm just theorizing here about what I would try in that kind of situation.

Firstly, I'm so glad that you care about how you do this. That right there is an indication that you're respecting your son and his perspective, and that is important. Obviously the pokes and shots are a medical need for him, but you're trying to do it as gently as possible (both emotionally and physically). I don't know your son or his personality, but here is a list of things I might try:

• Since daddy has to test too, can they test together? Make it a team thing! Maybe daddy can do his own poke at the exact moment that mommy does son's poke. This was the very first idea I thought of. A lot of kids are more willing to do something if they don't feel like they're doing it alone.
• All the choices seem like a good thing--picking which finger and which songs and so on. At his age that much choice might be a little overwhelming though (adding stress to the situation). Again, depending on the kid...it might be better to have always the same song but let him pick which finger for example. I might just pick a default backup song, so offer him the choice but if he doesn't want to choose then you have one of your own ready to go.
• Kids thrive on routine, so definitely have a routine about it. It sounds like you have some good things in place. I find that the location--sitting on the same chair--can also be helpful (my baby goes to sleep most easily if I sit on the chair in my room rather than anywhere else...it's just his routine and in his head that chair means sleeping time)
• Explaining why is important. Keep doing that. He has a right to know why, even if he doesn't understand yet. Is he friendly with strangers? Perhaps the doctor would be willing to explain it at the next appointment (validate what mom and dad have been saying). Sometimes it helps to hear it from multiple sources.
• Try distraction--this often helps for painful things. Can you get talking about a topic he really likes, or give him a favorite toy to play with while you do the shots? If his mind is elsewhere, then he'll feel the pain of the poke but won't have the mental stress of the anticipation. (Part of me feels like this would be trickery, to surprise them like that...but where he knows it has to be done, and you're just distracting him from the moment, it seems like a compassionate option.)
• He might be a little young for this, but try making a chart. Not a rewards chart, just a checklist chart. Make a place to mark (or put a sticker) before/after each meal, to mark that you did the test/insulin. Every time he puts up the sticker, he knows that it will be a few hours before he has to do it again. It is similar to the warm fuzzies jar idea, but neither needs to be considered a 'bribe' per se I think unless the jarful of fuzzies can be exchanged for a toy or trip to the park or something...if the jar is just a jar then maybe it's just part of the routine.
• How much damage would it do for him to skip the insulin shot once? To experience the yukky feeling? One of my children is a 'school of hard knocks' kid and seems to need to experience things before they set in to his brain. If you did that once, then afterward you could remind him how yukky it feels to skip the shot, so that the shot is the better option even though it hurts too.
• Is he bothered by the blood of the finger poke? Or is he one of those boys who thinks blood is cool? Maybe there's a way to let him 'play' with that blood drop. Can he be more active in putting it in the monitor (does it have a 'start' button that he could press for example?)
• I suspect that you usually utilize pressure to stop the bleeding on his finger, rather than the expense of bandaids every day... However at that age kids don't leave on bandaids very long, and they also seem to really like the pictures. After Bear's last shot he adored the "batman sticker" that the nurse had put on the spot, and kept dropping his pants to show anyone and everyone the batman on his leg. I don't know what your budget is like, but perhaps investing in some cool bandaids that he can put on his fingers (at least for the times when it's a bad poke or extra hurty) might help. He could help you pick out which bandaids to buy. That too could be construed as bribing I guess, but in my opinion at least having some bandaids on hand for wounds is just compassionate care, something applied in the moment if needed, rather than something used ahead of time to entice him to compliance.

I hope some of those are helpful. And as I said before, if any of my other readers have ideas, please comment! I'm sure this sweet mama will appreciate them!

30 Days--Day 6

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

I had a really hard time thinking of someone I would like to trade places with. My life may not be perfect, but no one has a perfect life, and I like what I have well enough to not be wishing to try out anybody else's complexities, you know?
But I did finally realize that there is one person with whom I'd be willing to trade places for a day. Or, rather, not to do each other's jobs, but to be each other for a day: my husband. I think it would be a great way to understand each other better.

"Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn

...the trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes.

"Like most things that we and the people around us do constantly, the use of rewards has come to seem so natural and inevitable that merely to post the question why are we doing this? can strike us as perplexing--and also, perhaps, a little unsettling" (13-14).

Punishing kids is bad, spanking and time-outs and yelling damage their self-esteem and make them resentful, right? So how do we get them to do what we want them to do? Rewards! It's the magic answer for a parent who wants to be positive! Sticker charts, bonuses to the allowance, penny jars, praise... focus on the positive and they will do those things more, right? After all, the rats in the studies did!

But humans are not rats.

"...our everyday practices rest on an implicit theory of human nature that fails to do us justice. When we repeatedly promise rewards...we are assuming that [the person] could not or would not choose to act this way on their own. If the capacity for responsible action, the natural love of learning, and the desire to do good work are already part of who we are, then the tacit assumption to the contrary can fairly be described as dehumanizing" (26).

This is the second Alfie Kohn book I have read. The other, Unconditional Parenting, I loved and hated at the same time. It challenged much of what I thought about parenting--much of what I thought about human nature--and yet it felt very right. (His books are quite dense and take some time to get through, which I think makes them a little tiring...but it was worth the three library renewals to get through this one!)

I took notes as I read this book,  so rather than try to re-write everything from the book, I'm mostly going to just give you a copy of my notes. ☺

A Few Facts about Rewards (based on scientific studies--which he quotes extensively) 

• Rewards are effective for getting a dependent being to do something (anyone who is not truly, fully dependent on you will stop responding to the reward)
• Rewards are effective only for as long as the reward lasts
• Rewards are effective at inducing compliance in the present (but not at instilling morals or ethics)
• Rewards damage relationships. Peers compete, lack teamwork, and blame each other for failures. In the relationship between rewarder and rewardee the unequal status is solidified.
• "Rewards are not actually solutions at all; they are gimmicks, shortcuts, quick fixes that mask problems and ignore reasons. They never look below the surface [to ascertain the cause or source of the behavior, nor solve it]" (60).
• "When we are working for a reward, we do exactly what is necessary to get it and no more" (63).
• Rewards diminish motivation, therefore "extrinsic motivators are most dangerous when offered for something we want children to WANT to do" (87).

The most notable aspect of a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment" (102).I talked about this idea (of judging) in this post. I gave some examples of using neutral responses rather than verbal praise, for example "that's an interesting picture, tell me about it!" instead of "what a beautiful picture!" (Really, no matter how cute he is, my toddler isn't Michelangelo and we all know it.)


"Rewards and punishments are not opposites at all; they are two sides of the same coin. And it is a coin that does not buy very much" (50).

So, what is a better option than rewarding (or punishing)? Kohn shares a gameplan:
1--Begin by evaluating why the child is misbehaving. Did they know/understand what was expected? Were they physically and mentally able to comply? Did they try?
2--Assume that the child had the best motives (that are consistent with the facts). Usually they did.
3--Use the least intrusive method of correction or instruction that is possible.

Use the 3 C's
Content--are you asking for reasonable behaviors? consider the capacity of the child and the relative importance of the issue.
Collaboration--work together with the child(ren) to make household rules, create family expectations, etc.
Choice--(a continuation of 'collaboration), involve the kids. Bobby may have chosen to hit his brother, but he did not choose to be spanked--the parent chose  to attach that specific consequence; so even if Bobby knew about it, he did not choose it. Instead, involve kids in decision about how to resolve things. Teach them autonomy.

• Be a person. A real person. A nice person. Use 'I' rather than the third person to refer to yourself. (like this!)
• Model the good behavior. Remember that our actions speak so loudly they cannot hear what we say!
• Explain why. Every person, no matter their age, has a right to know why they are being asked to do a thing.
• Assume the best motives.
• Emphasize perspective taking. Try to understand their side, try to help them learn to understand yours.
• Do not rig choices when you offer them. (this post details this idea a bit)

In the end, kids need to feel love and positivity withOUT strings attached. They need our love without it being dependent on behavior. In short, they need unconditional love, and we need to be unconditional parents.

Parenting WithOUT Punishments

"When we use punishment, our children are robbed of the opportunity to develop their own inner discipline-the ability to act with integrity, wisdom, compassion, and mercy when there is no external force holding them accountable for what they do."
~Barbara Coloroso

We're all familiar with the typical punitive parenting methods: Johnny does something bad, Parent doles out a lashing or a tongue lashing or a time-out or a grounding or some other consequence.
And the lesson Johnny learns? As most of us who used to be children can attest, he does NOT learn to avoid the bad behavior; rather, he learns to avoid being caught.
In other words, the punishment was totally ineffective in the ultimate goal of teaching Johnny to do better things. It was primarily effective in teaching him to be sneaky.
(And, for the kids who DO internalize the lesson to 'be good,' it is usually based on fear...I say this from experience, because I am someone who even in toddlerhood had an intense desire to do the right thing, but I can state without reservation that a fair portion of my 'good behavior' in childhood was still based on fear of punishment. A I did my share of sneaky things too. I remember one particular time I got what I felt was an undeserved spanking, and for the next several years I justified at least a dozen acts based on the conclusion that I had already had the punishment for them. My parents read this blog, but I betcha they had no idea about that, did you mom and dad?)

We have a dog. We also have a rule that she does not climb on furniture or go into bedrooms. She is allowed to roam freely through most of the house, but I don't want the dog hair in my bed or bedroom and so bedrooms are off limits. She usually sleeps curled up right in front of our bedroom doorway--even when our door is open, she knows not to come in. (Of course we trip on her if we get up in the night, but that's forgivable.) Sometimes, however, when we're not paying attention to her, she slides a paw over the threshold. Then another paw. Then a nose... A few times she has come right into our bedroom. The moment one of us makes eye contact with her she bows her head and backs out again...but so long as nobody is looking, she tests the limits of the rules.

I'd like to think that my kids are smarter than my dog. If she knows how to be sly, then so do they. Do I think they can get away with stuff without my knowing? I am certain that sometimes they do. Do I want them to think that 'anything goes so long as you don't get caught'? No Way!! I want them to think about the things they chose, and make good choices of their own volition, not just because of fear of punishment. 

Do I inflict punitive punishments sometimes?
Yes. It's culturally normal and it's habit besides.
But I have been trying to use them less.
My oldest son (age 10) knows what when I catch him at something we'll be sitting down and talking about it (admittedly some of those talks are more calm than others), but it's pretty rare that I lay out a punishment as such. Mostly I ask him to articulate why he did what he did, and we talk about the reasons for the rules (including my entertaining petitions to change them if he makes a good argument for such), and we come up with better solutions for the next time he faces a similar situation.This method takes a lot more time and energy (and self-control) than just smacking his naughty little behind (most gentle discipline does). In my heart though, I believe that it's more effective. And my kids are worth it.

Of course, rewards aren't any better than punishments. More about that tomorrow!!