30 Days--Day 6

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

I had a really hard time thinking of someone I would like to trade places with. My life may not be perfect, but no one has a perfect life, and I like what I have well enough to not be wishing to try out anybody else's complexities, you know?
But I did finally realize that there is one person with whom I'd be willing to trade places for a day. Or, rather, not to do each other's jobs, but to be each other for a day: my husband. I think it would be a great way to understand each other better.

"Punished by Rewards" by Alfie Kohn

...the trouble with gold stars, incentive plans, A's, praise, and other bribes.

"Like most things that we and the people around us do constantly, the use of rewards has come to seem so natural and inevitable that merely to post the question why are we doing this? can strike us as perplexing--and also, perhaps, a little unsettling" (13-14).

Punishing kids is bad, spanking and time-outs and yelling damage their self-esteem and make them resentful, right? So how do we get them to do what we want them to do? Rewards! It's the magic answer for a parent who wants to be positive! Sticker charts, bonuses to the allowance, penny jars, praise... focus on the positive and they will do those things more, right? After all, the rats in the studies did!

But humans are not rats.

"...our everyday practices rest on an implicit theory of human nature that fails to do us justice. When we repeatedly promise rewards...we are assuming that [the person] could not or would not choose to act this way on their own. If the capacity for responsible action, the natural love of learning, and the desire to do good work are already part of who we are, then the tacit assumption to the contrary can fairly be described as dehumanizing" (26).

This is the second Alfie Kohn book I have read. The other, Unconditional Parenting, I loved and hated at the same time. It challenged much of what I thought about parenting--much of what I thought about human nature--and yet it felt very right. (His books are quite dense and take some time to get through, which I think makes them a little tiring...but it was worth the three library renewals to get through this one!)

I took notes as I read this book,  so rather than try to re-write everything from the book, I'm mostly going to just give you a copy of my notes. ☺

A Few Facts about Rewards (based on scientific studies--which he quotes extensively) 

• Rewards are effective for getting a dependent being to do something (anyone who is not truly, fully dependent on you will stop responding to the reward)
• Rewards are effective only for as long as the reward lasts
• Rewards are effective at inducing compliance in the present (but not at instilling morals or ethics)
• Rewards damage relationships. Peers compete, lack teamwork, and blame each other for failures. In the relationship between rewarder and rewardee the unequal status is solidified.
• "Rewards are not actually solutions at all; they are gimmicks, shortcuts, quick fixes that mask problems and ignore reasons. They never look below the surface [to ascertain the cause or source of the behavior, nor solve it]" (60).
• "When we are working for a reward, we do exactly what is necessary to get it and no more" (63).
• Rewards diminish motivation, therefore "extrinsic motivators are most dangerous when offered for something we want children to WANT to do" (87).

The most notable aspect of a positive judgment is not that it is positive, but that it is a judgment" (102).I talked about this idea (of judging) in this post. I gave some examples of using neutral responses rather than verbal praise, for example "that's an interesting picture, tell me about it!" instead of "what a beautiful picture!" (Really, no matter how cute he is, my toddler isn't Michelangelo and we all know it.)


"Rewards and punishments are not opposites at all; they are two sides of the same coin. And it is a coin that does not buy very much" (50).

So, what is a better option than rewarding (or punishing)? Kohn shares a gameplan:
1--Begin by evaluating why the child is misbehaving. Did they know/understand what was expected? Were they physically and mentally able to comply? Did they try?
2--Assume that the child had the best motives (that are consistent with the facts). Usually they did.
3--Use the least intrusive method of correction or instruction that is possible.

Use the 3 C's
Content--are you asking for reasonable behaviors? consider the capacity of the child and the relative importance of the issue.
Collaboration--work together with the child(ren) to make household rules, create family expectations, etc.
Choice--(a continuation of 'collaboration), involve the kids. Bobby may have chosen to hit his brother, but he did not choose to be spanked--the parent chose  to attach that specific consequence; so even if Bobby knew about it, he did not choose it. Instead, involve kids in decision about how to resolve things. Teach them autonomy.

• Be a person. A real person. A nice person. Use 'I' rather than the third person to refer to yourself. (like this!)
• Model the good behavior. Remember that our actions speak so loudly they cannot hear what we say!
• Explain why. Every person, no matter their age, has a right to know why they are being asked to do a thing.
• Assume the best motives.
• Emphasize perspective taking. Try to understand their side, try to help them learn to understand yours.
• Do not rig choices when you offer them. (this post details this idea a bit)

In the end, kids need to feel love and positivity withOUT strings attached. They need our love without it being dependent on behavior. In short, they need unconditional love, and we need to be unconditional parents.

Parenting WithOUT Punishments

"When we use punishment, our children are robbed of the opportunity to develop their own inner discipline-the ability to act with integrity, wisdom, compassion, and mercy when there is no external force holding them accountable for what they do."
~Barbara Coloroso

We're all familiar with the typical punitive parenting methods: Johnny does something bad, Parent doles out a lashing or a tongue lashing or a time-out or a grounding or some other consequence.
And the lesson Johnny learns? As most of us who used to be children can attest, he does NOT learn to avoid the bad behavior; rather, he learns to avoid being caught.
In other words, the punishment was totally ineffective in the ultimate goal of teaching Johnny to do better things. It was primarily effective in teaching him to be sneaky.
(And, for the kids who DO internalize the lesson to 'be good,' it is usually based on fear...I say this from experience, because I am someone who even in toddlerhood had an intense desire to do the right thing, but I can state without reservation that a fair portion of my 'good behavior' in childhood was still based on fear of punishment. A I did my share of sneaky things too. I remember one particular time I got what I felt was an undeserved spanking, and for the next several years I justified at least a dozen acts based on the conclusion that I had already had the punishment for them. My parents read this blog, but I betcha they had no idea about that, did you mom and dad?)

We have a dog. We also have a rule that she does not climb on furniture or go into bedrooms. She is allowed to roam freely through most of the house, but I don't want the dog hair in my bed or bedroom and so bedrooms are off limits. She usually sleeps curled up right in front of our bedroom doorway--even when our door is open, she knows not to come in. (Of course we trip on her if we get up in the night, but that's forgivable.) Sometimes, however, when we're not paying attention to her, she slides a paw over the threshold. Then another paw. Then a nose... A few times she has come right into our bedroom. The moment one of us makes eye contact with her she bows her head and backs out again...but so long as nobody is looking, she tests the limits of the rules.

I'd like to think that my kids are smarter than my dog. If she knows how to be sly, then so do they. Do I think they can get away with stuff without my knowing? I am certain that sometimes they do. Do I want them to think that 'anything goes so long as you don't get caught'? No Way!! I want them to think about the things they chose, and make good choices of their own volition, not just because of fear of punishment. 

Do I inflict punitive punishments sometimes?
Yes. It's culturally normal and it's habit besides.
But I have been trying to use them less.
My oldest son (age 10) knows what when I catch him at something we'll be sitting down and talking about it (admittedly some of those talks are more calm than others), but it's pretty rare that I lay out a punishment as such. Mostly I ask him to articulate why he did what he did, and we talk about the reasons for the rules (including my entertaining petitions to change them if he makes a good argument for such), and we come up with better solutions for the next time he faces a similar situation.This method takes a lot more time and energy (and self-control) than just smacking his naughty little behind (most gentle discipline does). In my heart though, I believe that it's more effective. And my kids are worth it.

Of course, rewards aren't any better than punishments. More about that tomorrow!!

30 Days--Day 5

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
or, in any case, of the memory which gives me the greatest fulfillment: Eagle's birth

February 25, 1989

On February 24, 1989, a little seven-year-old girl sat in the corner of her parents' bedroom, waiting to see her sister be born. She had been waiting all day. The babysitter had taken her and her siblings away for several hours during the day with assurances that no, the baby would not be here for a while, they would not miss it. The little girl was nervous every minute that she was gone that everybody was wrong and that she WOULD miss it. She had been there for her brother's birth when she was three, but she really didn't remember anything except getting to hold a flashlight. Then another brother had come, but for some reason mommy and daddy had to leave in a van and she had to go with her sister and other brother to someone elses house for the night, and when she got home her brother was already born. All she really remembered of that was being asked whether she ever wet the bed before being settled in with her sister in someone's guest bed for the night. This time, she was not going to miss the birth!
I was not going to miss this one.
But babies like to take their time apparently. All the siblings were going to watch the baby come, but one by one they got sleepy and went off to bed. Just I remained. I was stubborn. More stubborn than my exhaustion. Two hours past bedtime...three... It was near midnight, and I don't remember feeling tired, but mom was tired and decided she was going to get into bed just for a little while. Dad and Grandma both promised me that they would come wake me when the baby was close to coming so that I could still be there. Frustrated and disappointed, I went downstairs and crawled into the hidabed with my sister (our bed having been given to Grandma).
As I snuggled in I realized how tired I really was. I suspect I would have dropped right off to sleep if, within minutes, I had not heard Grandma trying to hurry down the stairs on her arthritic knees "Jenni, come quick!"
I missed the birth. Apparently mom's laying on the waterbed was what it took to entice Amethyst to come earthside. I can't say I really blame her. I was miffed at missing her birth though...and by only five minutes!
Nine months later another sleep-deprived night saw Amy back out of this world. I missed most of that too. But if I missed her entrance and exit, I did not miss the months in between, and Amethyst was--is--a precious jewel in our family. Today would be her 22nd birthday.

my sister Amethyst

My mother has an amethyst necklace. I have long thought that maybe I'd like a piece of jewelry with amethyst myself, but I had never really pursued it because, while I like purple, it's not a color I've usually worn very much. However, my recent work with The Amethyst Network, and subsequent learning about the meanings and attributes of the stone, solidified my desire for a pair of amethyst earrings (I picked earrings because I wear them more than any other type of jewelry). Plus I have two purple shirts now. ☺

I had some Christmas gift money so I started looking around etsy, and found these Amethyst hearts.
They are perfect.

The Spell of Alaska

Ok, so actually the poem is called "The Spell of the Yukon" but it still applies.  It's by Robert Service. I first heard it when my dad recited it to me...I remember first being aghast that he was reciting a poem with "God" and "damned," (though he reminds me that he always substituted "darned") but my next thought--the one that lingered, was "I want to see that land!" So I guess my path to Alaska started even before mom read me Tisha...it started with Dad and Robert Service.


I wanted the gold, and I sought it;
I scrabbled and mucked like a slave.
Was it famine or scurvy—I fought it;
I hurled my youth into a grave.
I wanted the gold, and I got it—
Came out with a fortune last fall,—
Yet somehow life’s not what I thought it,
And somehow the gold isn’t all.


No! There’s the land. (Have you seen it?)
It’s the cussedest land that I know,
From the big, dizzy mountains that screen it
To the deep, deathlike valleys below.
Some say God was tired when He made it;
Some say it’s a fine land to shun;
Maybe; but there’s some as would trade it
For no land on earth—and I’m one.


You come to get rich (damned good reason);
You feel like an exile at first;
You hate it like hell for a season,
And then you are worse than the worst.
It grips you like some kinds of sinning;
It twists you from foe to a friend;
It seems it’s been since the beginning;
It seems it will be to the end.


I’ve stood in some mighty-mouthed hollow
That’s plumb-full of hush to the brim;
I’ve watched the big, husky sun wallow
In crimson and gold, and grow dim,
Till the moon set the pearly peaks gleaming,
And the stars tumbled out, neck and crop;
And I’ve thought that I surely was dreaming,
With the peace o’ the world piled on top.


The summer—no sweeter was ever;
The sunshiny woods all athrill;
The grayling aleap in the river,
The bighorn asleep on the hill.
The strong life that never knows harness;
The wilds where the caribou call;
The freshness, the freedom, the farness—
O God! how I’m stuck on it all.


The winter! the brightness that blinds you,
The white land locked tight as a drum,
The cold fear that follows and finds you,
The silence that bludgeons you dumb.
The snows that are older than history,
The woods where the weird shadows slant;
The stillness, the moonlight, the mystery,
I’ve bade ’em good-by—but I can’t.


There’s a land where the mountains are nameless,
And the rivers all run God knows where;
There are lives that are erring and aimless,
And deaths that just hang by a hair;
There are hardships that nobody reckons;
There are valleys unpeopled and still;
There’s a land—oh, it beckons and beckons,
And I want to go back—and I will.


They’re making my money diminish;
I’m sick of the taste of champagne.
Thank God! when I’m skinned to a finish
I’ll pike to the Yukon again.
I’ll fight—and you bet it’s no sham-fight;
It’s hell!—but I’ve been there before;
And it’s better than this by a damsite—
So me for the Yukon once more.


There’s gold, and it’s haunting and haunting;
It’s luring me on as of old;
Yet it isn’t the gold that I’m wanting
So much as just finding the gold.
It’s the great, big, broad land ’way up yonder,
It’s the forests where silence has lease;
It’s the beauty that thrills me with wonder,
It’s the stillness that fills me with peace.

30 Days--Day 4

Day 04 - A picture of your night.

Oh that's too easy!
Must
Love
Midnight
Sun!
(sorry, had to do two...)

11pm baby

moonrise (in the twilight...also around 11pm)

Making Tallow Candles--part 2 (making the candles!)

We made candles on Candlemas this year. Actually I was making candles for several days, but we made them for Candlemas, and burned a lot of them during our candlelit feast that night!
If you missed part 1 (rendering the tallow) you might want to check it out... I know you can buy candle-making materials, or save wax drippings from purchased candles and use them to melt down to make your own candles. I've done those things before. But this year we had the tallow, and I very much wanted to use what we had, thus tallow candles...
For the record, tallow smells like all sorts of unpleasant while it is rendering. But if you've strained it properly, the candles have little to no odor at all. I did put a little essential oil in all of them except the dipped tapers, but so far no stink either unlit or lit!

I made three kinds of candles: dipped tapers, pillars, and container candles.

For each type, the first step is to melt the tallow (or wax, if you're using that). I did a homemade double boiler, by using an old glass jar (salsa jars are awesome for this, or a canning jar works too). Put the tallow in the jar, put the jar in a pan with a couple of inches of water, and set it to simmering until the tallow melts.
If you want a colored or scented candle, this is the time to add essential oils or colorings to the tallow. From experience, I will say that food coloring does not work well with tallow... if you want to use something solid (like dried herbs/flowers) be aware that they will all float to the top of the candle as it cools, and will not remain evenly distributed through the candle. 

While it's melting, it's time to figure out your wicks. I tried making my own from cotton string and it was not successful. After three tries at different variations (all of which failed) I just bought wick at my local craft store. I'm sure it's also available online. I happen to really like the wick that has a bit of wire up the middle, because the stiffness makes it easier to work with.
A single strand of wick is sufficient for a dipped candle, but for pillars and containers you should either do multiple wicks or a fat wick.  (I made fat wicks by braiding 3 pieces together.) Then you'll want some kind of weight on the bottom of it...many people use a washer, but I ended up using paper clips for the dipped candles, and bits of aluminum foil for the others. I just folded a bit onto the base of the wick (making it flat so that the wick could 'stand up' from it).
Then (for the pillars and container candles) I stuck the wick to the bottom of the mold/container by pouring in a teaspoon or so of the tallow, and holding the wick base in it until it cooled (you can dip the bottom of the container/mold into a bowl of cold water if you want to speed it up, but it doesn't take very long regardless).

For pillars or container candles, you now just pour the melted wax into the container (or mold, in the case of pillars). And then set it aside somewhere to let it cool. Easy peasy.

With containers, you are now all done!

container candles with rosemary essential oil and a little cooking rosemary sprinkled on top.

I don't recommend using baby food jars as containers--I was using what I had, but they get very hot and the first one I burned melted all the way down, the wick floated out, and then it re-solidified... perhaps if I only burn it for 20 minutes at a time it will be fine, but not for an hour!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With pillars, you then have to get them out of the mold...I like using a mold that I can just cut/tear off, such as a rinsed out juice can or milk carton (quart size). Try pouring it in in layers--an inch of one color, an inch of another; or a little plain, a little with lavender flowers in it, a little more plain, etc. That will make some pretty striping.
Tallow happens to be very soft, and did NOT make good pillar candles. I ended up remelting these guys and making them into container candles. However this same method does make great candles with wax, so I kept the pictures since you're more likely to be working with wax anyway. ☺

one thing my mom likes to do is crush some ice cubes and put them in before pouring in the melted liquid...it makes cool tunnels in the candles, and also helps hold the wick in place.

see about the floating flowers?

this one was so soft--and so messy (due to the food color) that it was sticky, so I rolled it in lavender... which looked cool, but fell off everywhere when I handled the candle at all. Again, not a method I recommend!

they sure were pretty for our Imbolc feast though!

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, for dipped tapers, you will want to make sure that your tallow-melting-jar is tall and narrow. The height of your candles will be limited by the height of the jar, and width won't do you any good, it will just take more tallow to fill it... You don't want it too hot, but it does need to remain in a liquid state...so just keep the stove on a low setting.
The typical method is to cut a wick that is twice as long as your candle height (the depth of the jar) plus about 6 inches. Then hold it from the center and dip both ends to make a pair of candles. Before dipping, I twisted a bit of each end of the wick onto a paper clip, and then hooked the two paperclips together to make space between the candles. This proved to be the easiest way to keep the two candles to hang straight and not bump each other! (After they were all done, just take a knife and gently cut off the candle just above the paper clips.) I tried some without the paperclips and I definitely recommend using them!

Now they need to hang to dry. I just stuck a row of thumbtacks along the edge of the underside of my cupboard and hung them on that. If you have hanging mug hooks or something of that nature that would work well also. The candles will probably drip a bit (tallow definitely did, I don't know for certain about wax). In any case, I laid out paper towels on my counter underneath where I hung the candles.
You will need to dip them many times in order to get a decently fat (and sturdy) candle. I did find that the many thin layers of a dipped candle was much stronger than the poured pillars, and they work just fine with the tallow. I also found that--for tallow at least--you need to wait at least 10 minutes between each dip. If you do them too close together, the tallow on the wick does not harden enough and ends up just melting again with the dip, so the candle does not get any fatter!
This is a long process--I did it for a couple of hours one day (intermittently while I was baking something else), then a couple of hours the next day, then a couple of hours the next day...of course as a mother with little ones I get interrupted a lot, but honestly I think I would get bored if I stuck to it for the several straight hours it would require to do them in one go. The dipping is quick, but the waiting between sortof demands a second project to work on concurrently...

Can I just say, it is SO COOL to look at candles that I MADE!

I recommend storing them hanging (Besides, they look so cool!!) just trim the wicks when you're ready to use them. (It can be hard to make them the same size as standard pillars, so you may find that you don't have a candle holder of the appropriate size...in that case, just make a little salt dough and make some candle holders!!)
(Edited to add...  Now that I've had a chance to actually burn the tapers, I don't recommend making tallow tapers. They burn down really fast. My 6 inch taper lasted about 10 minutes before it was just a puddle... It seems that containers are the way to go if you want to make tallow candles. If you want a free-standing candle like a pillar or taper, try something a little stiffer, like wax!)
 

30 Days--Day 3

A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

It's hard to pick just one, but here's a show I really really enjoyed.

The West Wing

Flashback Friday: Birthday Cakes

So, today's post is partly flashback, and partly current...
Last month, Bear's birthday was the 16th. That afternoon I developed a headache, and it turns out it was swine flu...the next day I was completely out, and the day after that Hubby developed it... There are only 6 days between Bear's birthday and Hubby's, and let's just say that Hubby's birthday got postponed a few days because we felt that lousey.
So I never posted the pictures from Bear's birthday.

helping me decorate the train

Dinosaur Train!

the extra mini loaves...

I just love his face here...

And this is the flashback bit--sharing the birthday "sushi cake" I made for my hubby in 2008:



I baked the 'sushi roll' parts in tuna cans which I lined with foil--it gave a more even round shape than if I'd used a cupcake pan. I used coconut for the 'rice' on the sides of the rolls, and 'filled' them with chopped mandarin oranges and my mom's homemade blackberry jam. I was pretty pleased with how it turned out.