Being Aware; It's Not All Pink

I was a guest author over at LDS WAVE today.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This is a fact widely acknowledged in the media and everybody seems to get on board with everything from all-night cancer walks to facebook status games. My grandmother is one of those “1 in 8 women” who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, as are dear family friends, and I have joined those all-night walks and regularly remind my blog-readers to do their self breast exams.

However, October after October, I notice that the flood of awareness is decidedly (and almost exclusively) pink. It seems that we either overlook or are unaware of the many other “Awareness Months” going on in October.

Yes, 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. However 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage or infant loss, and 1 in 3 will be a victim of domestic violence...

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NOT just "like a heavy period"

I have heard lots of people say that "a miscarriage is basically just like a heavy period."

That is simply not true. Don't say it. Don't think it. Don't be fooled by it.

A miscarriage that occurs in the first few weeks of pregnancy may have the physical characteristics of a menstrual period: several days of cramping and bleeding. It might even seem like a 'normal' period to some women. A woman who didn't know that she was pregnant might even mistake a miscarriage for a period. All the same, if the woman knew she was pregnant, then even these early and physically easy miscarriages may carry an emotional toll that a regular menstrual period does not.
Some mothers really do have a miscarriage that is just like a period. For whatever reason, they do not grieve, or do not grieve very much. If you are one of those mothers you should not feel guilty about it, nor feel that your miscarriage was any less than someone elses. However this experience seems to happen in the minority of cases.
I miscarried this baby at 5 weeks gestation, and physically the process was like a textbook menstrual period. It was not the same as my normal periods which was one of the reasons I knew it was a miscarriage, but to another woman it could have been completely normal. However, if you read what I wrote at the time, it is obvious that my emotional state was not "just like a period" at all. I was grieving.

Somewhere between 6-10 weeks another change occurs. It varies from woman to woman and even from pregnancy to pregnancy, but somewhere in there the baby gets large enough that the physical process of miscarriage stops being like a period, and starts being more like labor. The uterus must contract and the cervix must open in order to expel the baby and placenta and other "products of conception."
When I experienced my first miscarriage I was 14 1/2 weeks along. I labored on and off for almost a full day, but had no idea what was going on. I thought I had intestinal gas, but hindsight tells me that it was actually labor contractions. I knew that a full-term stillborn baby would require labor and delivery, but I had never guessed that a baby only 4 inches long might also require labor.
It is my understanding (and my experience) that the labor of miscarriage is often shorter than a full-term labor would be, because a smaller baby can be delivered with less cervical dilation and pushing. Some women feel that it is something like the "first half" of labor. Others feel that it is very comparable to laboring with a full-term child.

This is one of those big unspoken secrets: many miscarriages are not like a heavy period, they are the labor and birthing of a baby.

"The Soul of Sex" by Thomas Moore

"The Soul of Sex: culturing life as an act of love"
by Thomas Moore was such an interesting book, and with such an interesting thesis. I stumbled across it at the library and read the inside flap and had to bring it home.

Here is an excerpt from the flap:

In our age of science and psychology it's tempting to think of human sexuality in terms of biology and interpersonal relationships. But this new book...regards sex as an experience of the soul and emphasizes the themes of fantasy, desire, meaning, and morality. In [this book] Moore turns especially to religion, mythology, literature, rites, stories, and visual imagery [like classic art] that see sex in some of the most profound mysteries of life. He finds spirituality inherent in sex and at the same time explores the many ways in which spiritual values can sometimes wound our sexuality. He recommends chastity and celibacy for everyone--as aspects of sexuality and not only as literal lifestyles--and presents them as a means of developing a sensuous spirituality.
The Soul of Sex also establishes the principle that one can't have a fully satisfying sex life in a world that is asexual and antierotic. Thomas Moore recommends many ways in which society could tone down its moralism and create a public life that is erotic, one that affirms desire and pleasure. He sees widespread attention to sex in the media as a symptom of our failure to find a positive place for sex in the culture, and he spells out an Epicurean way of life in which the simple, deep pleasures of good food, friends, family, home, and intimacy with nature provide and appropriate erotic base for a fulfilling sex life.

The author is conservative catholic and was even a monk for a while. It's been interesting for me to read about sexuality from a distinctly moral perspective (although he does make the specification that 'moral' is not the same as 'moralistic'...in other words, having morals isn't the same as being all hoity-toity about stuff). So much of what is out there now is from a more 'natural man' point of view, and this is definitely not. He is very pro-marriage and pro-fidelity, and also pro-spirituality. As he says "If there is any substance in the common sentiment that sex is sacred, it would seem appropriate to explore that sacredness in religious terms."
This book also isn't erotica, or a 'how to' in any sense. Like I said, it's philosophy.
He talks a lot about archtypes--Aphrodite of course, but also Artemis (the virgin), Eros, and even Christ. I certainly never thought I'd read something about Jesus as sexual (he doesn't say sexually active, merely pro-sexuality), but it's entirely respectful and the author makes some very thought provoking points.
He talks about sexual symbols such as the phallus (which is more than just a penis, it's a symbol of honor, power, vitality, humor, playfulness, etc) and also the vagina (which he suggests is a symbolic harbor, a source of stability, calmness, and safety).
It's really fascinating to look at sex and sexuality from a more encompassing perspective--as symbols of larger (sacred) things. Or as a rite that reminds us of the sacred.

The book is full of highly quotable things, so rather than try to talk about the book any more I will just let it speak for itself...

In modern life sex is one of the few numinous areas we have left, numinosity being the aura of awe and mystery usually associated with religious feeling. We have destroyed the mystery of the planets and stars with our telescopes and roving machines. We have diminished the numinosity of nature through our countless studies and exploitation. But fortunately we have not yet reduced the power of sex to stir deep desire and to compel contemplation.

If we understand marriage only as a literal living arrangement, then it entails a literal giving up of the solitary life. But as an initiation of the soul, marriage takes us deeper into ourselves... We can imagine marriage as something we do for ourselves. Marriage is not a surrender to another person but to another condition of life, one that can be deeply rewarding. (208)

In our symptoms lie the seeds of our revitalization. If we want to know how to gain new life and fresh sensibility, all we have to do is look closely and appreciatively at our problems. We have to be careful not to leap into compensation--championing the opposite of what our symptoms embody. Rampant pornography, for instance, suggests that we might consider the value of sexual imagery. Rampant divorce suggests that our idea of marriage might need some space. Rape suggests that we have not yet learned to use the power of love. Excessive sex in the media suggestions that we have not built an erotically rich society. (235)
Modern society's combined moralism against and obsession with sex indicates that we have not yet discovered the deeper meaning of sexuality. We think of it in purely personal terms, in contrast with many cultures that treat sex as a sacred cosmic force. We try to keep sex hidden, apparently thinking that what we cant' see won't hurt us. But like all powerful elements in the soul, sex needs to be manifested. Otherwise we suffer not only from the sudden return of the repressed--sex breaking through our repression in negative and uncontrollable ways--but also from a diminishment of life and vitality. Sex gives life color and vivacity. When we hide it out of fear, our personal lives and our social lie become flat. (276-7)

And finally, an idea that was on my mind a great deal this last week as I drove up and down the billboard-lined, 8 (soon to be 12)-lane scar of pavement that is I-15 in Utah (and thought about the pretty little tree-lined, winding, 2-lane road that I live off of here in Alaska)

It seems clear to me that the plague of sexual images that fill the internet and line our city streets, and the so-called gratuitous sex that spices most grown-up movies are exaggerated, autonomous, and noisome because we don't understand the importance of a sexy road or an appealing building or a sensuous workplace. The principle at play is simple: whatever we don't have the imagination to weave into our human lives beautifully and intimately will haunt us in the form of autonomous temptation and shadow values. There seems to be no middle ground. Either we build a beautiful road or the ugly version will soon begin to destroy the culture we are striving so hard to make. As always, our choices are basic: either Eros or Thanatos, sex or death. (248)

If we'll loosen up and let a little more 'sexy' into our world, and embrace the sexuality within us as the holy and powerful thing that it is, then we won't have so much negative sexuality bursting through the seams of repression. And we'll all be happier besides.

To Eat or To Sleep? That is a hard question...

I got this little video a couple of weeks ago...Eagle loves his food, but he loves his sleep too... (Daddy was listening to NPR in the background, that's the loud voices)

Releasing Judgment--part 3

The final aspect of releasing judgment has to do with not judging ourselves.

As I said before, I'm not suggesting that we can ignore moral judgments, just the rest of them.
This is also not permission to be lazy or stop trying your best or seeking personal improvements.
What it IS is permission to release self-judgments about your appearance, your family, your likes and dislikes, your talents, your hobbies, your abilities, or what you 'should' be or do.

Don't feel guilty for telling someone that you're not available for a favor when your family needs you.
Don't feel obligated to like the same movies, books, foods, or activities as someone else, or to enjoy a particular thing just because it's 'normal' or 'everyone does.' Do be comfortable with who you are and what you like.

And DO be open to new experiences--do not judge something until you truly know what it is.
My kids know they are not allowed to have an opinion about a food until they have tried it. I hold myself to the same policy.
There are things that scare me--such as heights--but I try to release that fear--that judgment--so that I can still experience things such as standing on the top deck of the Eiffel Tower at sunset.

And you know what is remarkable about releasing judgment? About learning to experience the world neutrally? It's not just the broadening of personal experience, it's the broadening of personal enjoyment.

Releasing Judgment--part 2

I wrote yesterday about releasing judgmentalism with others, particularly with our children. Today is a harder part: releasing it from ourselves.

There are two sides to this releasing: the first is to release the judgments that others put upon us (today), and the other is to release the ones we put upon ourselves (which I'll get to tomorrow).


Other people judge us all the time. They tell us that we're too fat or too thin. Too pious or too lax. Too conservative or too liberal. Overthinking or under-researching. Too uptight or too lazy. It's never possible to please everyone, and it's not worth trying to do so. The Apostle Paul taught that it was important to please God, and that trying to please our fellow men was counterproductive to that goal. So it's not just possible, it's actually important to "be like a duck" as they say, and just "let it roll off your back."
A friend of mine recently shared a story with me which I hope she won't mind my sharing with you. She and her husband have made some choices that have led them to move in a different spiritual direction from the rest of their family. One sister in particular was deeply concerned about their new path and spoke to them at length, assuring them that their choice was going to bring them condemnation. My friend's husband explained (again) that they felt like this was the right thing for them to do, and then told her that he released her judgments. In other words, she could feel or say what she liked, and he would even listen, but he would not absorb the anger, or the judgment.
There will always be someone out there to tell us that we are wrong or bad in some way, but we can release their judgments. The only Judge who matters is God, and so long as we keep ourselves square with Him, we will be fine.

Releasing Judgment--part 1

I think it's normal to be judgmental, at least to a certain point. We are raised with judgments nearly from the day we are born, starting with "you did a good job!" and then moving into "that shirt doesn't go with those pants" and finally into complex moral situations such as "thou shalt not steal."

Now I'm not for a moment arguing the validity of moral judgment. BUT, I do think we over-judge on all the little things. Scripture says that we will be judged by God in the way that we judge others. I don't know about you, but I think that if God is going to be as nitpicky and micromanaging as some mothers I've seen, then I'm not sure if that's a heaven I want to go to, you know? So, especially with my children, I make a point of not making judgments about things unless I need to.

When my preschooler brings me a page full of crayon scribbles and says "look what I made!" I say "yep, I see!" rather than making a judgment by saying that it is "pretty" or that he is "good." I share excitement without casting judgment.
When one of my kids picks an outfit that most of us would deem outlandish, I let it go. He is dressed, isn't he? Why does it matter if he 'matches'? If he doesn't care, then why should I? I mostly just stick with being glad that he's not streaking.
When my children learn to use the potty, I avoid the phrase "good job" (um, everybody pees, there's nothing terribly spectacular about it). Instead I just comment on the facts "you peed in the potty, thank you, it makes a mess if you pee somewhere else so I appreciate when you do it in the potty." And if they pee on the floor, it is the same "oh look, you made pee-pee on the floor, we'd better clean that up. Do you think you can do it in the potty next time? Then we could just flush it away!"
The kiddo wants plain peanut butter for breakfast? Fine by me, it's protein. Oatmeal for lunch? Why not? I like oatmeal. Who says you can only have oatmeal for breakfast?!

Actually, releasing judgment toward our kids is pretty easy. The hard part is releasing the judgments that others cast upon us, or that ones that we put on ourselves. More on that coming tomorrow and the next day!

Love Your _______

Recently as I was driving home I saw a marquee out in front of a church that said "Love Your Enemy." That phrase got me to thinking of the other phrase we hear so often: "love your neighbor."

Firstly, who is my enemy? I actually can't personally think of any--I'm sure there are people out there who don't like me, but I figure that's their problem, not mine. I suspect that for most of us, in our day to day life, our 'enemies' are not close to home. They are distant and conceptual, and we have other things to worry about in our busy lives. So when the sermon on the mount tells us "Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you," we smile and nod, say something cursory in our prayers, send a donation to somebody who does work in poor places (that's where terrorists come from, right?), and then pat ourselves on the back and go about our business.

Loving an unseen enemy can be easy. The depth of the love may be in question, but since we're not having any personal interactions with said enemies, it's not that big a deal...

But loving your neighbor?

You mean the neighbor who lets his dog poop in my yard?
How about the one who always drives on my grass?
Or the one who drives too fast down my little residential street where my kids play?
What about the son who never seems to pee quite in the toilet?
And the spouse who leaves his clothes on the floor?
The daughter who steals your makeup and then misses curfew? Frequently?
The child who talks back?
The family member who takes the last cookie?!

How easy is it to love these people?

Oh, sure, we 'love' them. We say we love them, we do nice things to and for them, we take care of them. But do we let ourselves get frustrated over things that don't really matter in the long run? Do we speak to them in anger? Why is it that we 'let our hair down' and act our worst when we are with the ones who matter most?

Yes, we certainly should make efforts to love our enemies. BUT, I think that the higher priority needs to be to love those who are all around us right here at home. After all, they have to live with us.

Frugal Friday: Old T-shirts

We all have them, the old t-shirts that are mostly good, but the neck or cuffs are splitting, or there's a little hole or a stain someplace (or all of the above!). The average t-shirt is made with good cotton, and if most of that fabric is still good, then you can do a lot with it!


Most of my ideas start out with cutting away all the seams. I just turn it inside out, then cut along next to each seam, so that I'm left with several large pieces of fabric. From there the possibilities are virtually endless.

• Use the big pieces as they are for cleaning rags (or trim off the angled parts so they are nice rectangles and squares if you prefer, so they'll fold nicely or whatever...but it's a rag remember, and nobody really cares if it's pretty). One thing I love about using worn out clothing for rags is that if it gets really gross, I can throw it away without feeling guilty, because the fabric has already fulfilled it's purpose TWICE!
• Cut out around cool logos or embroidery (be sure to allow at least a couple of inches of extra space on all sides), and save the designs. Once you have a few, combine them into a t-shirt quilt full of memories. (I am still collecting for mine, haven't made it yet.)
• Use pieces to patch or decorate other t-shirts (see below)
• Make a diaper
• Make 'kitchen cloth' (aka reusable paper towels or napkins) or cloth kleenex or 'family cloth' (aka reusable toilet paper). For these I recommend using two layers, and either zigzag or serge the edges. The fabric will not fray, so you don't need to worry about finishing raw edges, however a single layer of fabric will roll like this --->

Here is my family cloth and 'nuggert wipers' (cloth nose tissues)--each with it's 'clean' basket and 'dirty' receptacle. (I sort by color--whites are all for noses, colored are not--so if you're ever at my house, you'll know which one to grab ☺) (And for anybody who wasn't sure about the family cloth notion, see the squirty bottle? Yeah, squirt clean and then use the cloth to pat dry...see, not really so gross is it. Or yes, we do still have paper TP too...)

And here are a couple of options that involve NOT cutting up the shirt as shown above:

• Make a diaper! (even if you don't cloth diaper, seriously check out this link, it's so cool!!)
• Carefully cut up the body of the shirt in a big spiral to make tarn. (Here is a video tutorial as well.) Then you can knit or crochet with it!
  
• Make a tote bag.

A final option, if you are dealing with just one little hole in the middle of the shirt (but the collar and cuffs are fine) is to patch it. I'd vote for doing so artistically.




Choose a design of some sort to applique over the hole, and cut it out of other t-shirt/knit fabric. Cut out a piece of lightweight iron-on interfacing that is slightly larger than the applique, and iron it onto the inside of the shirt in the desired location.


Carefully pin the applique in the location, and then satin stitch all around. (A satin stitch is a wide zigzag with a very short stitch length.)



Voila!

"Hold Me Tight & Tango Me Home" by Maria Finn

I frequently browse the "new arrivals" section at our library. It's next to the computers and DVDs, so I can look at books while my kids play on the computer or pick out movies. I also like that it's a little bit of every genre all there together, so I can get a bit of anything without wandering around the library. Probably half of what I have read in the last year has come from that one shelf...and this book was one of them...
When I saw Hold Me Tight & Tango Me Home I didn't look at what genre it was. I suspected it would be some kind of romantic comedy--that's what it looked like. Actually I think I was expecting something like Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair (which is a story of a woman who "learned to knit after he split" and is quite funny and geeky in a knitty fashion...). But it was not like that at all. It is a memoir, and begins when Maria finds out that her husband is cheating on her. First she packs all his things and throws them down the stairs. Then she calls her lawyer. Then she signs up for tango lessons.
With tango history and technique woven throughout, this is more than just a story of a woman sorting her life out again. As she learns tango, she begins to apply dancing techniques to her life: balance, leading, following, moving in synchronicity with someone, or moving in harmonious opposition. In short, this book put into words how I feel about dancing. Why I have--and still do--think of myself as a dancer.
I was part of a performing ballroom dance team for about a year (age 17-18), and all through college I took dance classes and attended social dances. My husband doesn't dance though, so I have had little opportunity to dance since getting married. He asked me once why I referred to myself as a dancer when I wasn't really dancing anymore. I can tell you--it's because I still feel it. Music moves my body, as it does for many people, but it's more than that. Dancing is a way of feeling, but also a way of expressing. It's a pure expression, uncluttered by imperfect words and without need of translation. I told my husband he should read this book--I think it might help him understand me a little better.


(Incidentally, there are two of my readers to whom I want to specifically recommend this book: Dad, and Mae. Just got get it already. You'll like it.)