Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me a multitude of skills: sewing, needlepoint, cooking, childcare, housekeeping, gardening, food preservation, the list goes on and on. But this post is not about skills, it's about the things my mother taught me about life and how to live it. So, in no particular order, things my mother taught me:

(me, age 2, with my mommy)

Ask questions. Never assume that the status quo is the only way to do something.

Learn things for yourself. Make your own decisions.

Choose your own life. Be your own person. Don't feel obligated to go to a certain college or study a certain subject or give birth in a certain way just because somebody else did.

Whatever you choose to do (from a chore to a career), do it right and do it well.

Never stop learning. There is always something new to learn.

Trust your feelings. If someone tells you something that feels wrong, you don't have to believe them.

"A change is as good as a rest." If you can't stop, at least do something different for a while, and the change is as rejuvenating as a break.

It is worth whatever it takes to marry in the temple.

Each season in our lives has a different purpose and focus. In our youth we have a season to focus on ourselves, and we should live it up because as we grow older we will need to be focused on others.

With that said, take care of yourself. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't have anything left to be able to give.

What you think of yourself matters more than what anyone else thinks of you.

You can't kiss a baby just once.

Fast games are good--you can play several of them in an afternoon and still be able to change the baby and do dishes and make brownies in between.

If you can't find what you want, make it.

Breastfeeding is a good time to read books.

If it doesn't matter in the eternal picture, then it doesn't matter much at all. Don't bother getting into a huff over something that doesn't really matter.

People are more important than things, and family are the most important people of all.

There is no such thing as too many cuddles, too many children, too much laughter, or too many books.

Friday Feel Up

Self Breast Exam time.
☺

April FOs

Finished Objects for April:

For self/family

• altered a pair of pants I've been meaning to alter since I bought them *ahem* 9 years ago
• finally frogged out the too-tightly stranded part of Wolf's sweater and have started re-doing it
• knit a 'ski mask' type hat for Wolf (I need to rework it, as I started the decreases too early)
  

For sale (photos linked)

• Sea Turtle Diaper
• Strawberry Fields Forever diaper
• 2 custom solarveil hats (yay for custom orders!)
  
• 1 more solarveil hat for the shop (I've also set up several custom listings for these, since customs seem to sell faster than the ready-made ones!)
  

I miss my brain

I would like to call them blond moments...but I'm not blond. It might be easier if I could blame this month on my hair color... Or call them "senior moments" and blame them on my age. But at 28 I don't think I can get away with that. Post-baby mommy brain-melt? I don't know what to call it. But suffice it to say that this last month I have had more than the expected number of extraordinarily brainless moments.

It started with the pan. You remember the pan? Nice, steel pan and I melted the thing.

Then I had run out of shampoo, so I bought more. Actually I needed conditioner too. So I went to the appropriate part of the store and was opening and sniffing bottle after bottle (3/4 of synthetic scents give me headaches, so I have to be very picky with my shampoo). I found two citrus somethings and brought them home. It was not until the 3rd or 4th time that I used my new products that I noticed something...
They were both shampoo. Well, one was clear and one was opaque, it looked like a shampoo and a conditioner! But it wasn't. No wonder my hair had been so unhappy. I had blamed it on the post-baby fall-out, but obviously that was only a part of the problem, and most of the blame belonged to my lack of brain.

So then Wolf had a big overnight field trip across the bay with his 4th grade class. They went to a marine biology field center to study tide pools and other groovy ocean stuff. When he got home he--and all his stuff--smelled like old seaweed. Of course I had expected that, and put everything straight into the washing machine. What I hadn't noticed was the red hat... so for the first time in my life, I turned white socks pink in the wash. I never did it in college, never when I was new to laundry...but now I did. They were new socks too, and of course they belong to my son rather than to me. I could wear pink socks, but a 9 year old boy will get teased unmercifully if he shows up to school in pink socks. And they are very pink. (Fingers crossed that oxy-clean will save them!!)


I know everybody has moments, but three in three weeks, well, it leaves me feeling a bit dense.

Femininity vs. Feminism

Once upon a time women in this country were repressed. They were not just "the gentle sex" or "the fair sex" but also "the lesser sex." They were beaten and abused and in most cultures had few if any rights. Once upon a time suffragettes marched for the right to vote. Had I been alive, I would have been there right beside Cady Stanton, Susan B Anthony, and Amelia Bloomer, demanding that women be allowed to dress as they pleased and vote in elections.Once those rights were secured, women began pushing into other things that had previously been male-only domain. They demanded easier access to education, and the right to work. They instigated legislation to punish perpetrators of domestic violence, abuse, and sexual harassment. Were these fights still being fought I would be standing there beside the fighters.

With equal rights established however, the movement called 'feminism' began to push for other things. It began to focus on cultural acceptance and approval for crudeness in language and behavior. It fought for--and won--the right to abort babies without medical reason (where are the rights of the unborn women?!) It fought to teach women that they cannot be complete or fulfilled unless they have a career outside the home, and to preach the notion that keeping a home and raising children is inferior to having a career. In other words, the feminist movement began to undermine all the things that made women unique. In the quest for 'equality' feminism has pushed so far and so fast that it has gone far beyond the mark, so that now women are fighting, not for the right to be women, but for the right to be men; or, more accurately, to be more than men. By demanding sameness across the genders, women are forfeiting the things that make us special and unique. In order for masculinity to be valuable, it must be balanced by femininity! As the movement of feminism gains strength in the world, femininity is losing the ability to be a moderating force in the world, or to create balance between masculine and feminine. This is not empowering anyone; it is stifling everyone.

I am staunchly feminine, staunchly pro-woman. Therefore, I can only conclude that in this country, and at this stage in history, I must be anti-feminism.

There are fights worth fighting, even still. Women are being held down in places like Afghanistan and what support we can give is worth the fight. Women are victims of domestic abuse in our own country, and what we can do to support and help them here is of course worth our while. However the larger 'feminism' movement in this country has lost the nobility of purpose that once guided them. They have turned toward anger and vulgarity to accomplish their goals, and their goals are no longer positive or even things worth fighting for.
If you dare, you might check out the post "I HATED The Vagina Monologues and So Should You" (disclaimer: the play--and therefore the post--have sexual content including pedophilia, rape, lesbianism and prostitution).

I conclude with a link to two inspirational blog posts:

• The truth about Women that Feminists Don't Want You to Know, posted at Ladies Against Feminism: Promoting Beautiful Womanhood. I don't agree with everything written at that site, but I find that I agree with them more often than not. Their post talks about powerful historical women, and how they did not need feminism to be who they were and accomplish what they did. I found it inspiring to review examples of powerful women who gloried in womanhood, motherhood, and homemaking.
• Returning to Motherhood: One Solution for the Economic Crisis, posted by my friend at MotherLoverGoddess. I don't agree with everything she writes either, but I think this post makes excellent points about women in the home verses women in the workplace.

Beltane Bonfire

A local group put on a bonfire at the beach last night. Their intent was to raise awareness because April was "domestic violence and sexual assault awareness month." They spent a little while on that, but then much of the evening turned to drumming and roasting marshmallows and playing on the beach. I certainly support the group's cause (you can see in the photos some people with candles), but we also thought it was nice to spend a seasonally significant evening in nature with a bonfire. (The flames were not big for long, but it was putting out a lot of heat!)

Bear tossed a football with daddy,

and Hubby (and Wolf) got in touch with their Scottish heritage by throwing around some logs.

Medieval Meal

We've talked about doing this since before we were married, but somehow never actually did it until this year...

No electric lights, no forks, no spoons. Just a 'dagger' (steak knife) per person, some meat and veggies boiled in a pot, and a big blob of bread.

Corned beef, potatoes, carrots, all baked in a cast iron dutch oven (which I confess I put in the oven because I didn't feel like building a fire)

Honey Oatmeal bread, also baked in cast iron. We ripped off hunks rather than cutting it, and used it to sop up the juice from our meat. Mmmm, so yummy!

Top Ten...

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a boy in possession of a long skinny thing anything, will make of it a sword weapon.

And then he will run around the house slashing/shooting at everything and everyone.
Even though mom has tried to encourage a peaceful home environment by not allowing 'violent' toys or games...

Top ten 'swords' or 'guns' in our house

1. Mom's knitting needles, even the short DPNs
2. pieces of wooden train track
3. sticks
   
4. plastic hotwheels track
5. rulers
6. duplos & legos
7. marble run segments
8. lincoln logs
9. vacuum attachments
   
10. his own hands

There is no escape.

Accept the inevitable.

Wolf, age 4

Parenting Positively

In Finding Nemo, Dory and Marlin find themselves in the middle of a school of jellyfish. Marlin decides that the best way to get ditzy Dory out safely is to make a game. "You can only touch the tops," he explains. "Not the tentacles." "Something about tentacles, gotit, let's go!" shrieks Dory as Marlin laments "not 'something about tentacles,' it's all about the tentacles!"


I have frequently noticed that children tend to hear what we say, but only the key words. So "please don't jump on the bed" comes though as "[wa wa wa wa wa] jump on the bed."
Even when they know that you'd rather they didn't, the idea is so firmly in their mind--and in a parental voice even--that the behavior is nearly irresistible.
When we stop and think about it, it's not hard to realize that focusing on "dos" is liable to be far more productive than focusing on "don'ts."
So rather than saying "please don't jump on the bed" try saying "please come walk on the floor." They may not be excited about doing it, but mentally it's easier to process, and less distracting.

At the risk of over-explaining, I'll share a couple other examples:

Poor: Stop splashing water out of the tub, it's all over the floor.
Better: Let's keep the water IN the tub!

Poor: Don't get out of bed again
Better: Stay in bed and go to sleep
Best: Please stay in your bed and lay still, I'll put on this quiet music/audio story for you

Poor: Stop poking your brother
Better: Be gentle with your brother
Better: Why don't you go [away from your brother] and do ___
Better: What have you done today to show your brother that you love him?

Say what you mean

Another installment in my parenting philosophy series...

I sincerely believe in just saying what I mean, rather than dropping hints or expecting people to pick up subtext or (gasp!) guess what I'm thinking. I wrote some time ago about how we have applied that policy to our marriage, but I also apply it to my parenting.
So when my son hops out of the shower, grabs his towel, and bolts up the hall (with the towel swinging in the air, and droplets of water flying every-which-way) I say "please get dry in the bathroom before you run up the hall" rather than "hey, you're getting everything wet." After all, he's 9, I'm pretty sure he knows he's getting everything wet, (he does it almost every day). What he doesn't know--or doesn't remember--is what would be a better alternative.
When the boys are going to bed, I rarely tell them "just go to sleep now." After all, the average 3 year old isn't really sure how to "go to sleep." But if I tell him to lay still, close his eyes, and breathe softly, he can probably do those things. We may end up going through his body parts one by one "make your head be still, make your eyes be closed, make your arms be still, make your bottom stay down on the bed..." and so on, but he can do those things, and they feel much more doable than "go to sleep." Sometimes my sons tell me that they can't fall asleep, or that they won't. I smile and tell them that I don't care if they go to sleep, they are welcome to stay awake all night long if they want...so long as they stay in their beds and lay still and keep quiet. To date none of them has ever managed to pull an all-nighter.☺



That is one side of saying what I mean, and it is a great help in getting kids to know what you want and to do what you ask. The other side of 'saying what you mean' is a little more serious.

If my son is acting up at the store and I tell him that "one more time" will result in marching out the door and going straight home, well, if he does it one more time we'd better start marching immediately. We have left playdates and other fun things because of situations like that. If I'm not willing to leave (if I have to finish my shopping, or I want to keep chatting with my friends) then I had better not deliver that kind of ultimatum. If I threaten to ground him for a month, or throw away all his legos, well, I'd better be willing to follow through. And not just follow through partway, but really follow through. Kids know if you are bluffing, and although they will call your bluff, they would rather be able to just trust you.
On the up side, if I promise that this weekend we can make popcorn and watch a movie, I'd better have a movie and make popcorn. There is no excuse for lying to your kids. Ever. On the rare occasion that something is beyond my control (someone gets sick and we're unable to go to ____) then explain it all truthfully as soon as you know that you won't be able to do what you promised. If you're not sure whether you'll be able to follow through, then don't make the promise. (Sometimes I say "I'm trying to work it out so that we can ___" but I don't promise unless I know I can follow through.) Kids need to be able to trust their parents. Always.