Too Many Numbers

There is a scene at the beginning of a little film called "Why Man Creates." One character is asking the other a series of questions, to which each answer is a series of numbers (address, phone number, ID number, zip code, etc etc). After a few exchanges their conversation devolves into just a lot of numbers
Man 1: "7389456?"
Man 2: "934647393"
Man 1: "9374"
Man 2: "3934 8493988 738937!!"
It's a nice commentary on how we have turned everything about ourselves into a series of numbers...on the one hand it's terribly impersonal, on the other hand it affords some privacy I suppose...but in the long run, it's just hard to remember them all.

The other day I called my bank about something and they asked me to provide verification of my identity. I'm glad that they do this of course--I wouldn't want someone else poking about in my bank account information--but somewhere in the middle my brain crashed.
Teller: "last four digits of your social?"
Me: "[yeah right like I'd publish that!]"
Teller: "home phone number"
Me: "[or that!]"
Teller: "Home address"
Me: "[number, street, city] Alaska..." mental blue screen of death! "998...wait, that was my old zip code...um, 99...shoot, I can't remember my zip code! I think it's 99***" (Which it's not by the way, I got two of the three digits right but they were in the wrong order.)
Thankfully I had known all the other stuff so she believed that I was me.
But really, who forgets their own zip code? Especially when they've had it for 7 months?
Me, apparently.

My Beliefs on Birthing Choices

I got some interesting responses when I posted my sister's story. Some I expected ("Those are familiar feelings!") and some not so much. They are all valid points though, so I wanted to take a couple of minutes to share why I shared her story here, and also to respond to my commenters.
First of all, I had pre-scheduled both her post and my response last weekend, and then my computer crashed for a couple of days (whole other story) anyway, I did not see any of the comments until this morning, otherwise I would have responded sooner.

The natural birthing community often spreads stories of 'painless birth' and even 'orgasmic birth.' They tout birth as a beautiful thing. I do believe that the entry of a child into the world is a beautiful event, but I know that not every woman experiences it as beautiful. I've shared my own stories so you probably know that my take is that "birthing is hard work, although it's totally manageable." My sister doesn't fall into either of those categories though--she has given birth in loving, supportive environments, and done everything 'right' as per being able to have peaceful gentle birth (hypno-classes, good support people, etc), and yet she describes her births with words like "difficult" "suffer" and "excruciating."
I shared her story here because I think it is important to share both sides of the natural birth coin--there are people who seem to glide through it, and others who struggle but still choose it because they deeply believe that it is a healthier, safer, better choice.

Now I want to respond to my commenters.
Liz spoke of being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and rape. She--after careful thought and consultation with her provider--decided that the intensity of birthing sensations in the vaginal area would probably trigger all kinds of horrific emotions for her. She chose epidurals for her births, and I think that sounds like a very wise choice in her situation. I believe in something which BFW refers to as "the compassionate use of epidural" which is essentially that it's not healthy to make medication the default choice, but it's also not healthy to rule it out entirely, because there is a time and a place for it. I think Liz's situation is certainly an appropriate place for the compassionate use of an epidural.
I know a young woman whose first baby died in utero just a few days before her due date. She had planned to birth naturally, but once they learned of the baby's death she then was coping with the intensity of grief on top of the intensity of birthing. She also chose an epidural. I think this was another appropriate and compassionate use of epidural.
Another woman I know has twice tried to birth naturally, and both times had a very long, very painful labor with minimal dilation, and both times has ended up having to transfer to the hospital for a c-section. She is now expecting her third child, and has decided that this time she is going to try laboring with an epidural, to see if the reduction of pain will allow her to relax enough to dilate and give birth vaginally. Again, I see an appropriate use of an epidural.
Where I have a problem with epidurals is when the woman doesn't take the time to consider all the options. When she isn't willing to consider trying. When the intervention becomes the default and no one stops to question it. Liz concluded her comment with this thought: "I shouldn't ever have to justify my reasons for choosing to have an epidural. But I share the reason for my decision because it's a different point of view and might shed some light on the deeply personal experience that is birthing." and she's right. She should not have to justify her reasons to anyone except herself. But there again that is the key--she does have reasons for her choice, it was not just going with the flow or doing what everyone does, it was a carefully-thought-out choice. It's true that it is a deeply personal decision, but I (we) share our stories not so much to condemn as to stimulate critical thought. Because "Birth is not merely a means to an end, it is an event that [is] imprinted on a woman's life forever. The memories of their children's births are among the most vivid memories a woman will ever have."  So these choices should not be made lightly.


I also want to respond to Nicole. As usual, she has some perceptive thoughts to share. Thoughts that may be hard to hear, but which are valid all the same. She thought that the post seemed self-righteous, judgmental, and unkind. "This is exactly the attitude that bothers me about some women who choose to give birth naturally," she wrote. "I've given birth both ways, and I respect other women for whatever they choose to do. My ego or sense of self-worth is simply not based on how I chose to birth my babies." Her comment is a good reminder that no matter how strongly we may feel on a given topic, no matter how confident we are in our own views of the issue, the way we express our message is going to influence people at least as much as the message itself. Yes, I do genuinely believe that it is better to birth without medication. I don't see it as a choice between two equals (just as I feel about breastfeeding vs formula feeding). I do believe that there are valid exceptions to the rule, but that they are few and far between. But we must also remember that, as they say, "presentation is everything."

"We lived our lives in fear"

This was my immediate gut response to what my sister wrote (which I posted yesterday)

I think 'fear' hits the nail on the head. I think we live in a culture of fear, and that it drives many people's choices. We fear pain, thus we take medications and use epidurals. We fear work, so we use elevators and cars and automatic mixers and other labor-saving devices without thinking about alternatives. We fear sickness, so we over-vaccinate and take medications for the smallest symptom. We fear death, so we refuse to talk about it, and then when it happens we try to make it into a big deal with lavish coffins, "lifelike" embalming, and over-the-top funerals. We fear truth, so we lie to others--and to ourselves.
But fear is the opposite of faith.
And a world full of fear can only happen in a world void of faith.

My Choice

Today I share a guest post from my sister. She has also chosen unmedicated birthing, but her experiences have been quite different from mine. Here she shares some of her thoughts and reflections on her birth choices.

My friend and neighbor had her fourth baby on Tuesday. She was induced one week early and had an epidural, just as she did with her other three kids. She just likes it that way. The whole idea of scheduling a birth, going to the hospital without any labor pains and having a baby a few hours later, just boggles my mind. It is so strange to me that I can’t stop thinking about it. I know that it is very common for women to be induced as well as for women to have epidurals, but this time, with this friend, it bothers me more. What bothers me? It’s hard to say. I have had many conversations with this friend and we agree about many things, but we do not agree on birth methods, and somehow that is a big thing. It is such a big thing that it’s almost as if it drives a wedge in our friendship, distancing us and preventing us from some more complete measure of friendship. This is the case with other friends as well. The opposite is also true. Many times I have learned that a new friend or acquaintance has natural births and immediately there is a connection, a pull toward friendship. There is a feeling of “you have felt it too!” For some reason birthing methods makes a big difference in the strength of understanding and friendship for me, probably because it’s something I am passionate about.

Yet there is something else that bothers me. What is this feeling that I get when I learn of someone’s medicated birth? Is it a feeling of self-rightness, a sense of “I’m right and she’s wrong”? No, I know women have their agency (and I wish more of them would use it instead of letting “health care professionals” make personal decisions for them! But that’s another topic). It’s not right and wrong; it’s just different. Then what is this feeling? Is it jealousy? Am I jealous that she had an easy, pain free experience when giving birth is so difficult for me? Is it that it’s not fair? But I know I have the choice, too. It’s just that I’ve done the research for myself and I know it’s statistically safer to do it naturally without intervention, and that is what I have chosen. Is it self doubt? Do I doubt my choice? I find myself thinking, “am I insane?” Why do I choose to suffer when there is a pain free option? I remind myself of the many reasons, but then I wonder if it’s worth all the fear that I feel. I never want to go through that again, and I think about it every day. Have I really made the right choice?

I watched my friend return home from the hospital today. I felt a great distance between us, despite the close proximity of our physical persons. I do not understand what she just experienced. And she does not understand what I have experienced at the most excruciating, life changing moments of my life. As I see it, she has not experienced the culmination of being a woman. She is choosing to miss it! The birth of my babies will be forever etched in my memory; moments of pain, yes, and also of relief, strength and power. I am a woman. I birth my babies the way God intended it to be. That makes me powerful. I watch my friend walk with her baby to their door. No, I do not comprehend what she just experienced, and I guess I never will.

Frugal Friday: Ye Olde Wool Sweater

Have you got any old wool sweaters laying around? Perhaps it's something you love but realize you'll never fit into again. Perhaps it was an amazing deal at a thrift store. Perhaps it's gotten a hole. Perhaps it's just too scratchy to really wear.
Well it certainly doesn't need to be sitting in the back of your closet tempting the moths! Here are a few things I like to do with wool.

*Any regular 'hand-wash' wool can be felted. If the wool is scratchy, I always recommend felting it. This means wash it in a hot soapy wash a couple of times (with lots of agitation) until it shrinks up and gets thick. You can cut/sew it before or after felting, but I recommend doing it afterward because you never know exactly how much it will shrink! (Please note that washable wool does not felt...however once it's been fully felted, your formerly hand-wash-only wool will be machine-washable in cold water.)

• recycle the yarn~not all sweaters can be unraveled, but many will unravel quite easily. just snip a little into the neck or cuff, and start pulling gently at the yarn. It will pull out into a kinky but long piece of yarn. Gentle washing and hang-drying will get the kinks out, and voila, you're ready to use it for a new project!
• recycled longies~felted or non-felted, best made with soft wool with tighter stitches. If you want it for diapering purposes, do not use a washable wool~whether you cloth diaper or not, wool pants are a nice winter option for the kiddos. They are great for playing outside in wet/snowy places because they have a degree of water-resistance to them. Of course if you DO cloth diaper you probably already know how amazing wool can be for that! Here is a tutorial that uses the sleeves as the legs of the longies. Here is another that is a pattern cut from the front/back of the sweater (for this latter one, the maker tells me that she's added about 1" to both the length and width of the pattern shown since making the tutorial).
  
• storage for cast iron pans~especially if you use them for camping, a 'pan sweater' will keep the pan from getting wet or dirty from outside sources (the wool will absorb moisture that may head its way), and inversely it will also protect everything else from getting black smudges from the cast iron! I made mine using the body of a felted sweater--just cut it off at the armpits, sewed across the top, and left the bottom open for sliding the pan in and out.
  
• hot pads/pot-holders~felt the wool, cut it to size, sew two (or more) layers together...you can make it fancy (turned and topstitched) or just zig-zag around the edges to hold the layers together. (The one downside of these is that if they get wet they will not protect you from heat...but that is the nature of most hot pads, so I don't see it as a big deal.) If you are feeling ambitious, sew the layers on three sides but leave the last side open so that you can use it as a mitt...in that case I recommed an extra layer for at least one side of the mitt.
• cast iron handle covers~felt the wool, then make a rectangle that is the length of your pan's handle and about 5" wide. Fold in half, sew across the end and down one side to make a closed-ended tube, and turn it right-side-out. (Depending on the thickness of your felted wool, you may want to double-layer it, but I prefer not to as that becomes bulky and difficult to work with.) Slide it right onto your pan handle and keep it there--no more grabbing for slippery pot-holders when you need to shift your cast iron pan, the hot pad is already right there!
  
• (felted) quilt squares~if you have a lot, especially if you have some fun colors or patterns, consider felting it all, then making it into a lap quilt. It will probably be a bit heavy, but will be toasty warm!
• (felted) rug~The same idea as the quilt...just look what my friend Joy did for her entryway! (you'll need to scroll about halfway down the post). My goodness I need to make me one of those!!
  

Feelin Feminine Challenge

Christina at TheStoryOfUs shared this challenge recently, and I decided to give it a go. The original challenge is to wear skirts/dresses every day for a week. I have had periods in my life when I did this, but at present it is a bit difficult because 1--I am nursing so dresses/jumpers are out. 2--many of my skirts are summery and it's winter in Alaska right now. 3--some of my skirts still don't fit around my post-baby body. So I decided to do what I do with so many things, and adapt it for myself.
For the last week I have made efforts to be more feminine in my appearance--but not necessarily just by wearing skirts--and to observe how it affected how feminine I felt. I made an effort to actually comb and style my hair every day, not just pull it up in a quick bun (which is what I often do). I wore earrings. I made an effort to be feminine in my behavior--thinking about my role as a Keeper At Home, taking pride in doing what I do well, and also trying to be gentle and patient and those other traditional virtues.

Here are some photos from the week:

Day 1 (Photo courtesy of Wolf)
Nothin makes ya feel fat like wearing your favorite skirt--that used to be slightly loose at the waist--and having to wear a waist cincher to even get it zipped up...and then still looking pudgy anyway. *sigh* I decided to put this skirt away again for a few more months. I can't bear to get rid of it though--not unless I know I won't fit it again--because I made it and like I said, I really love it.

Day 2 (Taking my own photos now--thank you mirror!)
I went for a feminine shirt (my sister got it for me in Brazil), upswept hair, and pretty (etsy) earrings...with my jeans. I liked it. Someone asked me for a tutorial on the hair--I'll try to remember to post that soon. I just wanted something besides a regular old bun...so I made a glorified version of a regular old bun. ☺

Day 3--no photos, whoops! I wore an embroidered peasant blouse (which my sister got me from Mexico--go sis!!) with the jeans and some pretty earrings...

Day 4 (Sunday)

A rare non-dangly-earring day, but it was Valentine's, so I figured hearts were in order, besides which these earrings were a gift from Wolf a couple of years ago. ♥
Hair up a la day 2 again.

Day 5
Oh my word I forgot to wear earrings.
I think I get a bonus point for this day though because I made both the blouse and the skirt...

Day 6
These are the earrings I wore on Day 3... (handmade--bought from a street fair vendor when I was in college). Even a blue button-down shirt can be feminine...I think...


Day 7--no photos, but I wore the stripey green skirt again with a tan t-shirt. I didn't sleep very well the prior night and didn't do anythign interesting with my hair or earrings...but I wore a dress. So I still get my points, right?!

Day 8--today
Another peasant blouse (this one I bought in Turkey--note the lace bit in the middle of the sleeve too--I love that part *sigh*) These earrings I bought at a street fair at least 15 years ago. They were on studs which eventually got ikky, but I switched them onto some nice french hooks and they are still my favorites...they have seen more ear time than all my other earrings combined I think. But how can you go wrong with a simple dangle that matches everything?!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So now we get the exciting "let's analyze our feelings" part of the post. ☺ Here are things I noticed this week:

• A lot of the things I did this week are things I do anyway--baking bread, making dinners, sewing--but when I was thinking about them as part of my 'role' rather than part of my 'dumb stuff I gotta do' list they seemed, I don't know...less drudgery and more noble I guess. I mean, kneading bread is still kneading bread--and I don't mind it--but there's something about kneading it with love instead of kneading it with hurry I guess. 
• A lot of people chop off their hair when they have kids. If you like short hair, go ahead and have a short haircut...but I think it's sad to get 'mom hair' just because you're a Mrs, you know? I find that a pretty up-do is youthful and elegant and feminine, and it can add a dash of glamour to everyday jeans...
• All my best stuff is either handmade or from a foreign country. Hmmmmmm.
• Earrings can dress you up or frump you down. 
• Femininity is as much about attitude and actions as it is about outfits. Maybe moreso.
• ...and I no longer own any pants except jammies/sweats and jeans. This is Alaska, after all--and I've lived in the bush for the last two years. I decided that this summer I need to buy a pair of slacks or corderoys so I can have something between 'jeans' and 'church' to wear.

The Value of a Person

Unless you've been living under a rock somewhere, you probably heard that last week olympic luger Nodar Kumaritashvili died during training, before the opening ceremonies were even held. He was 21 and from the eastern European Republic of Georgia.
The news was shocking and sad of course, but what was even more shocking and sad to me was the way the news was delivered on a local radio station. "There has been a death at the Olympics," the DJ said. Then he added quickly "Not an American or a Canadian though..."

Not a member of our team, oh and not a member of the home team, so therefore he's less important? We don't know him personally (we can barely pronounce his name) so, you know, his death is news but we're not emotional over it.

Since when is one person less of a person than another?

Oh yeah, since forever. The person who looks different. The person who doesn't speak your language. The person who is handicapped. The baby that isn't born yet. Many people are marginalized and for many reasons. But these are all people, and in God's eyes each person is equally important with each other person.
How is it that humanity is so inhuman?!
And what can I do to be the change I want to see--need to see--in this inhuman world?

Sleep, Glorious Sleep!!

It's the plague of the mother with young children--the lack of sleep. It's the reason that books about teaching children to sleep become bestsellers. It's the reason that things like letting a baby "cry-it-out" are considered acceptable. Mom has to be able to get her sleep or she won't be able to function.
Trust me, I understand. In the average day I need to prepare at least one large balanced meal (lunch is usually leftovers from prior days, and breakfast is typically simple, but I generally spend a good hour on dinner). I chase a toddler around all day. I break up world war III (or IV or V) between my sons on a regular basis. I clean the house. I sew or knit. I may have errands to run or people to see. And yeah, I spend some time online chatting with friends, commenting on their facebook statuses, and attempting to enlighten the world via my blog. Yes, I need my sleep as much as anyone.
But I don't believe in leaving a baby alone to cry. I think it's psychologically damaging to a young infant to abandon them like that. (Go ahead, feel offended, this is my blog, I'm going to give my opinion!) ☺

So what is my solution? Simple: co-sleeping.

Co-sleeping can mean several different things. It might mean bedsharing (where the infant is in bed with mother). It might mean having a sidecar bed (where the infant's bed is adjacent to mother's). It might mean having the baby in his own bed across the room from mom--but still in the same room. The point is not the exact sleeping arrangement, the point is that they are sharing sleep.
Many breastfeeding mothers choose bedsharing because they can literally just half-wake, slip the breast into the baby's mouth, and drift back to sleep. Bear shared our bed until he was past 2. He also didn't night wean until then. Both Hubby and I would have preferred to have him move into his own bed (and nightwean) a little earlier than he did, but every kid is different and that was just what Bear seemed to need at the time.
Some people have difficulty with bedsharing because they get 'touched-out' and need some space in order to sleep soundly. My sister is one of these people, and my little Eagle is another. My sister puts her babies in their own bed near hers, so that she can attend to them when they need her, but she can still sleep between times. Eagle enjoys snuggles during bedtime, but once he's asleep he stays asleep much longer if I put him in the sidecar crib rather than keeping him nestled next to me.
Here is our current arrangement: 

If you look at that and think "gosh, you have to climb to get into bed" then you're right, I do. But that's how our room is laid out, and you know, it's ok. For one thing, since Eagle is breastfed then when I wake up with him I don't have to get up, I just wake up enough to feed him, then lay him back down. Yes, sometimes I go back to sleep with him snuggled in next to me, but sometimes I don't. One of the nice things about having the sidecar there is that it's available if I want it, but it's convenient to have him in bed with me too--and because of the sidecar being right there I don't worry about him falling or rolling off the edge of the bed.
(And no, we don't usually make the bed--you're right that is a bit of a hassle with the crib there--but we didn't usually make it before anyway. Today I made it specially for taking this photo for you. Don't you feel special?!)

 

You can see that my bed is scooted right against his, and that they are the same height. I have a few things in the bed there with him too. First, a small pillow (to keep him sleeping on an incline, so that he doesn't get stuffed up). I lay a cotton blanket out under him (over the pillow) and then I grab a crochet blanket or two to put over him--I like using them because they are warm but they are also full of holes--so I don't have to worry about him accidentally pulling it over his face because he would be able to breathe through it.

One thing that has proven to be very convenient about the sidecar arrangement is that I keep a little box there. It has my water bottle and chapstick, gripe water, diaper cream, the binkie, a burp cloth or two, plus some wipes and my nighttime diapers. They are always right at hand so I don't have to clamber out of the bed for anything during the night. If you look back to the first photo, you can see that there is also a pair of wool longies hanging over the end of the crib...I often put them there to air out because I always use them at night.

 

Eagle seems to like the arrangement ♥

Things I ♥ about my Honey

• Seeing him read with the boys and snuggle them at bedtime
• He was excited to catch our babies as they were born
• He is supportive of me, even in my wilder ideas
• The way he insists on taking me out or getting me little presents, even though I tell him I don't really need it
• His teaching me to be more spontaneous
• His dimple (just one!) and the fact that he gave dimples to some of the kids
• His curly hair
• His gorgeous blue eyes
• He works hard to provide for the family
• He likes to tell other people how cool I am, or how neat something I made is
• He's a good cook too, and likes to take his turn in the kitchen
• He's a careful thinker, and has opened my eyes and gotten me thinking on a number of topics (political, social, moral, and philosophical) over the years.
• He loves me, even on the days when I'm not terribly lovable

 

I had to take digital photos of the prints in our wedding album because we didn't have any photos of just us together (we had a few family shots but that's it). 

♥ Happy Valentines Day Honey ♥

Little things I ♥ that make me happy

• The bubbles that show that my yeast/water mixture is growing and ready to be added to the bread dough.
• Putting a diaper on my baby and knowing that *I* made it.
• Watching any member of my family use or wear something that I made for them.
• Holding an armful of warm, clean, soft cloth diapers straight from the dryer.
• Baby smiles
• Toddler laughs
• Hugs from my kids
• Cuddles with my Honey
• When my Hubby says "It's your call, I'll support whatever you want to do" ♥
• The smell of bread baking, and eating freshly-baked bread
• The sense of accomplishment when I finish something--making a meal, baking bread, sewing or knitting something, etc.
• Hearing that someone loved something I made for them (whether it was a business transaction or a gift).
• Using my glass bowls & pans, bamboo cutting boards, stainless steel utensils, pans & measuring cups, wooden spoons, or other quality kitchen tools that my Hubby has been giving me at almost every birthday and Christmas since we got married.
• Using my bernina sewing machine. Having a good quality tool makes the work so much nicer.
• Using my knitpicks options knitting needles.
• Going to unload the dishwasher and discovering that someone else did it for me.
• Waking up and realizing that I've just slept for 4 continuous hours.
• Getting comments on my blog posts.