I have thought about this a number of times in the last couple of years, and am finally writing it out. Please note that while I give a couple of examples in here, I am not generally trying to pass judgment on the people involved, nor trying to suggest that they should have done something different from what they did. I'm just saying that these things give me pause and make me think.
I must begin by saying that I am grateful for many of the astounding advances which science has made in the last century or two. We have broken the sound barrier. We have been to the moon. We have split the atom and begun to unravel DNA. We have cloned sheep. We are able to save the lives of babies who insist on being born scarcely halfway through their gestation. We are often able to stop the pre-term labor that leads to such premature babies. We have machines which can help people breathe or keep their hearts beating when they are unable to do so on their own. We can bring people back from the brink of death.
And yet, in spite of all the things that we CAN do, sometimes I have to wonder, SHOULD we do all these things?
I think of my first two miscarriages, one which occured spontaneously, and the other of which was medically managed (with a D&C). Can medical intervention save lives? Of course--my first miscarriage necessitated a trip to the emergency room in fact, and I'm ever so thankful for the medications they used to stop my bleeding. But with the second miscarriage the intervention was not necessary, it was a choice... and based on the emotional differences between the two situations, when the third miscarriage was immenent I chose to let nature take its course. I suppose that is when I started thinking about what we can do verses what we should do.
I think one of the biggest cases of "but should we" is the atomic bomb. Yes, we can make it...but should we? And if we make it, should we use (or should we have used) it?
We can clone sheep, and dogs, and who knows what all else...but should we? Is it our place to play gods? Is it moral to create a being in this unnatural way? Or is it natural?
I'll admit that I have mixed feelings about the money that is spent on space exploration: I'm just not sure what the practical benefit is, and whether that benefit warrants the cost. My questioning increases with the cost in human life of each Challenger or Columbia.
What of the many people who have the request "do not recussitate" on their medical records? Sure, we can use electricity and oxygen to bring them back from the brink of death--sometimes even from the far side of that brink--but should we? It seems that many people think we should not.
I think about Terri Shiavo, the woman who was in a coma for 15 years before they finally decided to 'pull the plug' and remove her from life support. Her husband was ready to do it after 8 years when tests indicated that she had sufficient brain damage that she would probably never wake up, and would not likely be functional even if she did. Her parents fought his decision though, feeling that pulling the plug would constitute murder since Terri had never left a living will indicating her wishes on the subject. And so it became an ugly legal battle...and the machines kept beeping away for another 7 years while lawyers tried to decide whether pulling the plug was legal or moral or who knows what all else. In 2005 her feeding tube was removed and she died within a couple of days. So the question remains--at what point does it cease to be "life support" and become "keeping a dead person's vital signs going"? Obviously we could keep her alive (to whatever degree) for 15 years, but should we have done so?
(Incidentally, situations like this one are a good reminder of the need to have a living will, not just a will in the event of your death...but that's a different topic.)
My sister-in-law was nearing the end of her first trimester of pregnancy when she began to have signs of miscarriage. She went to the hospital, and they were able to stop the labor and save the baby. She spent quite a while on bedrest to prevent it from happening again. When she did deliver her son at 37 weeks, they discovered that he had Downs Syndrome. He's had heart and breathing problems, several surgeries, hospitalizations, a feeding tube, and so on. SIL explained to me one day "well, my body knew that something was wrong with him, and that's why it tried to miscarry." She is very afraid of having any other children because she feels that they would probably have Downs too. She spends hours every day attending to his special needs. He is a sweet, loving, and lovable child, but he definitely has changed their family.
Now I have been through several miscarriages--would I have stopped them if I could? Yes, probably...but sometimes I wonder how life might have been different for my SIL and her family if science had not been able to save her baby...
As I said, I'm not trying to pass judgment in these cases, nor do I know per se what I would choose if it were me in the situation. All I'm saying is that sometimes I can't help but wonder if we get a little too caught up in what we can do, and forget to ask whether we should.
I think it's a point worth pondering.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Dear Mrs Hatfield...
...this is Mrs McCoy calling. I have said this already in private, but since I know that we have many mutual friends, and also that those friends are aware of the recent situation between us, I wanted to say it in public (in front of all them) too. I don't know if you will read this, but I wanted to say it anyway. I'm sorry for the misunderstandings. I'm sorry for the frustrations. I never wanted our business contract to damage our friendship and I'm sorry that it did.
It's an awkward thing, doing business with friends. Everybody has misunderstandings sometimes, but when money gets involved somehow it becomes more personal...harder to brush off or to forgive. I've carried out dozens of business transactions with friends and rarely had a problem, but perhaps it is inevitable that problems should arise now and then.
I've always tried to be honest and forthcoming, and while that usually serves me well I guess sometimes we make the mistake of assuming that something was understood when it wasn't...or we think we've discussed something but the other person didn't realize what we meant by it.
In my business dealings I've always tried to be fair--more than fair even (I'm notoriously self-deprecating), and I confess I take it a little personally when someone feels that I've been unfair to them. In these cases there is usually fault with both parties, and while I try to take responsibility (and apologize) for my part of it, I have to be fair to myself too and realize that sometimes it's not all me, and I can't fix everything, nor can I please all of the people all of the time.
It's unfortunate (in my opinion) that a business deal gone sour can turn the people sour too, but sometimes it does. It is hard to do business with friends, no question, because of the multi-faceted (and therefore complicated) nature that develops in the relationship. It can be hard to be roommates with a friend; it can be hard to go into business with a friend; it can be problematic to co-sign on a loan with a friend or family member... and while there are any number of reasons as to why, I think that it comes back to one main thing: friendships are built on feelings, intentions, and effort; business is built on facts, results, and cold hard cash. In some cases they work together harmoniously, and in some cases they do not. I'm sorry to have had to be part of one of the latter, but am thankful for my many experiences with the former.
(As a note to those parties who are the aforementioned mutual friends...I know you know more about the specific situation, but it's really between the Hs and us, so I don't want to talk about it. Therefore I won't be publishing any comments with any specifics about the people or situations involved. I just wanted to make a public apology and spend a few minutes musing over the topic in general.)
It's an awkward thing, doing business with friends. Everybody has misunderstandings sometimes, but when money gets involved somehow it becomes more personal...harder to brush off or to forgive. I've carried out dozens of business transactions with friends and rarely had a problem, but perhaps it is inevitable that problems should arise now and then.
I've always tried to be honest and forthcoming, and while that usually serves me well I guess sometimes we make the mistake of assuming that something was understood when it wasn't...or we think we've discussed something but the other person didn't realize what we meant by it.
In my business dealings I've always tried to be fair--more than fair even (I'm notoriously self-deprecating), and I confess I take it a little personally when someone feels that I've been unfair to them. In these cases there is usually fault with both parties, and while I try to take responsibility (and apologize) for my part of it, I have to be fair to myself too and realize that sometimes it's not all me, and I can't fix everything, nor can I please all of the people all of the time.
It's unfortunate (in my opinion) that a business deal gone sour can turn the people sour too, but sometimes it does. It is hard to do business with friends, no question, because of the multi-faceted (and therefore complicated) nature that develops in the relationship. It can be hard to be roommates with a friend; it can be hard to go into business with a friend; it can be problematic to co-sign on a loan with a friend or family member... and while there are any number of reasons as to why, I think that it comes back to one main thing: friendships are built on feelings, intentions, and effort; business is built on facts, results, and cold hard cash. In some cases they work together harmoniously, and in some cases they do not. I'm sorry to have had to be part of one of the latter, but am thankful for my many experiences with the former.
(As a note to those parties who are the aforementioned mutual friends...I know you know more about the specific situation, but it's really between the Hs and us, so I don't want to talk about it. Therefore I won't be publishing any comments with any specifics about the people or situations involved. I just wanted to make a public apology and spend a few minutes musing over the topic in general.)
Friday, July 3, 2009
The Drive to Anchorage (or, why I'm glad to live in Alaska)
This happened a few weeks ago, but I have not found the time to blog it until now.
When we left Pelican we had to take a somewhat roundabout route to Anchorage.
First there is the ferry into Juneau. There is only one, and it only comes once (or sometimes twice) in a month, so you make your schedule work with it, since it won't work with you.
Then there is the ferry from Juneau to Haines...you see, Juneau may be the capital city of Alaska, but it has no roads connecting it to the outside world. While much larger than Pelican, it is just as literally cut off--mountains on one side, ocean on the other, and one little road from one end of town to the other. It's true, Pelican's road is a half mile and Juneau's road is about 30 miles...but it dead ends all the same. So from Juneau one has to catch another ferry to someplace that has a road--in this case, Haines. Unfortunately, that ferry route is only run a few days a week, and only on one day a week is it a car-carrying ferry. So we had to put our lives on hold for 5 days as we sat around in Juneau between ferries.
Once arriving in Haines it's only about 400 miles to Anchorage...if you're a bird. But if you want to drive on a road, there's a little obstacle. Actually, a really massive obstacle called the Wrangall-St Elias National Park and Preserve (there's a coordinating chunk of National Park on the Canadian side as well). So rather than being 400ish miles, the drive is nearly 800 miles.
So the ferry arrived in Haines around noon, and we started driving...cross the border into Canada (yes we are carrying a hunting rifle, no we are not carrying ammunition, yes we have the paperwork, yes we have passports, yes we have a marriage license in there too because my passport is in my maiden name, yes we have birth certificates for both the kids, yes we have a dog, yes we have her health certificate...*phew* got that whole process down to a science!) and then drive and drive and drive and drive...
We have developed a method for handling these long drives. It involves Hubby driving as late as he can (usually around 1 or 2 am) and then pulling over someplace to sleep...meanwhile I go to sleep earlier in the evening (as do the kids) and whenever I wake up (usually around 5 or 6 am, and usually with an urgent need for a potty) then I wake Hubby enough to trade me seats and I start driving. We are able to cover a lot of distance, the kids sleep through a lot of it, and we each get enough sleep to make it through the day as well.
Things started off well enough. Hubby drove until around 1 or 1:30 then pulled over. I woke up in the early dawn light and thought hey, it's probably around 5. So I woke Hubby, traded him seats, and as he settled in I started the car and saw the clock.
It was 3am.
I had forgotten just how light it stays in the north...we were several hundred miles north of Pelican, and yes, at 3am it was pretty darn light. As I pulled onto the road I promptly pulled back off to take a picture of the first thing I saw:
Yes, that's a photo (no special filters) taken at 3am somewhere just past the point where the road turns and starts heading southish again.
A half hour of driving revealed this vista:
Honestly, can anyone say that it's not worth being awake at 3 am to see something like that?
And how could I not love my home when it looks like this (note the new banner at the top here...). All you lower 48-ers, eat your hearts out. ☺
When we left Pelican we had to take a somewhat roundabout route to Anchorage.
First there is the ferry into Juneau. There is only one, and it only comes once (or sometimes twice) in a month, so you make your schedule work with it, since it won't work with you.Then there is the ferry from Juneau to Haines...you see, Juneau may be the capital city of Alaska, but it has no roads connecting it to the outside world. While much larger than Pelican, it is just as literally cut off--mountains on one side, ocean on the other, and one little road from one end of town to the other. It's true, Pelican's road is a half mile and Juneau's road is about 30 miles...but it dead ends all the same. So from Juneau one has to catch another ferry to someplace that has a road--in this case, Haines. Unfortunately, that ferry route is only run a few days a week, and only on one day a week is it a car-carrying ferry. So we had to put our lives on hold for 5 days as we sat around in Juneau between ferries.
Once arriving in Haines it's only about 400 miles to Anchorage...if you're a bird. But if you want to drive on a road, there's a little obstacle. Actually, a really massive obstacle called the Wrangall-St Elias National Park and Preserve (there's a coordinating chunk of National Park on the Canadian side as well). So rather than being 400ish miles, the drive is nearly 800 miles.
So the ferry arrived in Haines around noon, and we started driving...cross the border into Canada (yes we are carrying a hunting rifle, no we are not carrying ammunition, yes we have the paperwork, yes we have passports, yes we have a marriage license in there too because my passport is in my maiden name, yes we have birth certificates for both the kids, yes we have a dog, yes we have her health certificate...*phew* got that whole process down to a science!) and then drive and drive and drive and drive...We have developed a method for handling these long drives. It involves Hubby driving as late as he can (usually around 1 or 2 am) and then pulling over someplace to sleep...meanwhile I go to sleep earlier in the evening (as do the kids) and whenever I wake up (usually around 5 or 6 am, and usually with an urgent need for a potty) then I wake Hubby enough to trade me seats and I start driving. We are able to cover a lot of distance, the kids sleep through a lot of it, and we each get enough sleep to make it through the day as well.
Things started off well enough. Hubby drove until around 1 or 1:30 then pulled over. I woke up in the early dawn light and thought hey, it's probably around 5. So I woke Hubby, traded him seats, and as he settled in I started the car and saw the clock.
It was 3am.
I had forgotten just how light it stays in the north...we were several hundred miles north of Pelican, and yes, at 3am it was pretty darn light. As I pulled onto the road I promptly pulled back off to take a picture of the first thing I saw:
Yes, that's a photo (no special filters) taken at 3am somewhere just past the point where the road turns and starts heading southish again.A half hour of driving revealed this vista:
Honestly, can anyone say that it's not worth being awake at 3 am to see something like that?
And how could I not love my home when it looks like this (note the new banner at the top here...). All you lower 48-ers, eat your hearts out. ☺
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Musings on Perfume
Long ago, before much of anyone bothered with things like bathing or changing their clothing, everybody stank a bit. It was just one of the facts of life. At some point the rich people began using strongly scented oils to cover up their own odor...wearing perfume developed into a status symbol (because of course the poor had neither the time nor money for such things).
In modern times we have running water, and (at least in most places) bathing is readily accessible. We can all be nice and clean and un-stinky all the time. In other words, the time for perfuming oneself is past!
And yet, instead of laying off, we have taken it to the next level. Now, along with the perfume, we have scented shampoos, soaps, deodorant, hair products, lotions...oh yes, and the perfume. Even our laundry detergent and fabric softener are scented (probably with two different scents) so even our clothing has its own smell. The average person walking past me on the street is a veritable battlefield of conflicting odors. Sure, each may smell nice on its own, but does anyone really think that they all smell good together? And does anyone bother to coordinate? (The only people I know who pay any real attention to this are the ones who are allergic to the perfumes, and stick to unscented everything...or the occasional anosmiac who sticks to unscented for practical reasons!)
The truth is that a lot of people ARE sensitive to perfumes (whether it's an actual allergy or just a sensitivity). It is the height of rudeness to wear perfume of any kind or in any amount if you will be in close quarters with other people (in a vehicle, in a theater, frankly even at church). I can't tell you how many times I have sat next to someone and then realized I needed to move on because if I stayed next to them I was going to get a headache. (I don't mean to be rude madam, but I must get away from your smell as I am about to be sick!)
I hate magazines that have perfume samples in them. One sample might not be too bad, but when there are 3 or 4 and they all mix up.... it gives me a terrible headache. I am not allergic to perfume, but good grief, do people really think that some of these smell good?! There are people paying to smell like this? Really?!
Wow.
And as I said before, multiple synthetic scents all mixed up...it's just not a good thing.
Smells, even a multitude of smells, can be a wonderful thing (walking through a flower garden comes to mind, or the wafting odors of dinner being prepared...) but synthetic scents are a whole other ballgame. And it's a bad ballgame.
What happened to the idea that "smelling clean" meant that the person/clothing didn't smell like anything at all?! Really, those were the days!
In modern times we have running water, and (at least in most places) bathing is readily accessible. We can all be nice and clean and un-stinky all the time. In other words, the time for perfuming oneself is past!
And yet, instead of laying off, we have taken it to the next level. Now, along with the perfume, we have scented shampoos, soaps, deodorant, hair products, lotions...oh yes, and the perfume. Even our laundry detergent and fabric softener are scented (probably with two different scents) so even our clothing has its own smell. The average person walking past me on the street is a veritable battlefield of conflicting odors. Sure, each may smell nice on its own, but does anyone really think that they all smell good together? And does anyone bother to coordinate? (The only people I know who pay any real attention to this are the ones who are allergic to the perfumes, and stick to unscented everything...or the occasional anosmiac who sticks to unscented for practical reasons!)
The truth is that a lot of people ARE sensitive to perfumes (whether it's an actual allergy or just a sensitivity). It is the height of rudeness to wear perfume of any kind or in any amount if you will be in close quarters with other people (in a vehicle, in a theater, frankly even at church). I can't tell you how many times I have sat next to someone and then realized I needed to move on because if I stayed next to them I was going to get a headache. (I don't mean to be rude madam, but I must get away from your smell as I am about to be sick!)
I hate magazines that have perfume samples in them. One sample might not be too bad, but when there are 3 or 4 and they all mix up.... it gives me a terrible headache. I am not allergic to perfume, but good grief, do people really think that some of these smell good?! There are people paying to smell like this? Really?!
Wow.
And as I said before, multiple synthetic scents all mixed up...it's just not a good thing.
Smells, even a multitude of smells, can be a wonderful thing (walking through a flower garden comes to mind, or the wafting odors of dinner being prepared...) but synthetic scents are a whole other ballgame. And it's a bad ballgame.
What happened to the idea that "smelling clean" meant that the person/clothing didn't smell like anything at all?! Really, those were the days!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Well we had one of them ultrasound things...
...they took a lot of measurements (baby's head, baby's abdomen, baby's femur, etc) and concluded that I was right with the due date I'd estimated. Um, folks, my husband was out of town for two weeks, then home for 5 days, then out of town for another two weeks...I was pretty darn sure that I was right about my dates!!
Yep, unless we are having a girl with some odd cyst or tumor on her lower abdomen, this baby will bring the score to Boys: 3 Girls: 0
I guess I should stock up on camo fabric.
Yep, unless we are having a girl with some odd cyst or tumor on her lower abdomen, this baby will bring the score to Boys: 3 Girls: 0
I guess I should stock up on camo fabric.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Because God Cares
Every once in a while one gets a slap-in-the-face reminder of the fact that yes, God is paying attention, and yes, He does care.
We may be without a job (although a few more interviews have felt promising), and unable to sell our house (although we did find some new renters who will move in August 1--giving us enough time to do a little work on the place)...but yes, God is paying attention.
Some time ago, when we learned that we'd be coming to Utah for the summer, Hubby had approached Wolf about taking a special father-son camping trip for a few days. Wolf asked could they please go to Grand Canyon. We spent the last week camping near Bryce Canyon at a reunion with my dad's side of the family, and as plans came together we realized that the smart thing to do would be for Wolf and daddy to depart for their trip directly from the reunion, and for me and Bear to catch a ride back north with my folks (who agreed to drop us off at my in-laws home where we're staying this summer).
So far so good.
Friday morning Wolf and Hubby loaded up and headed out. My in-laws had lent us their tent trailer for the trip (taking pity on the pregnant woman I guess!) and my parents hitched it to their van to haul back up and drop off along with Bear and me. We drove for over 4 hours with a packed-full extended-length van, pulling a tent trailer, with 2 dogs and 8 people (including the pregnant lady and toddler) through the center of Utah. We were not on the interstate because we knew we'd have to drive slow anyway and figured the old state road was fewer miles. We passed cars occasionally (or, I should say, they passed us!) but there were very few people out there. The trip was completely uneventful. As we backed the trailer into my in-laws driveway some red fluid started gushing out from under the van, and it died and refused to restart. We enlisted some help and pulled the trailer into place by hand, and had to call a tow truck for the van. It will probably not be ready until Tuesday (Monday if they are lucky). My parents and siblings had planned to drive on up to grandma's house in Idaho today, but instead they are stuck here through the weekend...
...but what a blessing to be stuck here, in a large home with hospitable people (not in an expensive and/or grungy motel, and/or the middle of nowhere). There is room for everyone to sleep here (yeah, we did put a couple of them in the tent trailer, but there are spare beds too). There are showers and a kitchen and generous hosts who simply smiled and said "you're family, and this is what family is for."
We may be without a job (although a few more interviews have felt promising), and unable to sell our house (although we did find some new renters who will move in August 1--giving us enough time to do a little work on the place)...but yes, God is paying attention.
Some time ago, when we learned that we'd be coming to Utah for the summer, Hubby had approached Wolf about taking a special father-son camping trip for a few days. Wolf asked could they please go to Grand Canyon. We spent the last week camping near Bryce Canyon at a reunion with my dad's side of the family, and as plans came together we realized that the smart thing to do would be for Wolf and daddy to depart for their trip directly from the reunion, and for me and Bear to catch a ride back north with my folks (who agreed to drop us off at my in-laws home where we're staying this summer).
So far so good.
Friday morning Wolf and Hubby loaded up and headed out. My in-laws had lent us their tent trailer for the trip (taking pity on the pregnant woman I guess!) and my parents hitched it to their van to haul back up and drop off along with Bear and me. We drove for over 4 hours with a packed-full extended-length van, pulling a tent trailer, with 2 dogs and 8 people (including the pregnant lady and toddler) through the center of Utah. We were not on the interstate because we knew we'd have to drive slow anyway and figured the old state road was fewer miles. We passed cars occasionally (or, I should say, they passed us!) but there were very few people out there. The trip was completely uneventful. As we backed the trailer into my in-laws driveway some red fluid started gushing out from under the van, and it died and refused to restart. We enlisted some help and pulled the trailer into place by hand, and had to call a tow truck for the van. It will probably not be ready until Tuesday (Monday if they are lucky). My parents and siblings had planned to drive on up to grandma's house in Idaho today, but instead they are stuck here through the weekend...
...but what a blessing to be stuck here, in a large home with hospitable people (not in an expensive and/or grungy motel, and/or the middle of nowhere). There is room for everyone to sleep here (yeah, we did put a couple of them in the tent trailer, but there are spare beds too). There are showers and a kitchen and generous hosts who simply smiled and said "you're family, and this is what family is for."
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
20 Weeks - fundal measurements and other belly fun
Of course, yours truly measured a little ahead at my prenatal appointment two weeks ago (in the latter parts of pregnancy it is common to measure fundal height, which is from the pubic bone to the top of the fundus/uterus. The centimeters of the measurement supposedly should stay about equal with the weeks of gestation, and if there is a consistent major difference between them it could mean a mistake about gestational dates or that there is more than one baby. Thus mothers of twins may make comments such as "I measured 46 weeks along when I delivered" even though they delivered at 38 weeks.) At my 18wk appointment, I measured 21cm, or "21 weeks." I measured exactly "on schedule" at every appointment with Bear, but I theorize that now that my belly has been out there once, it's obligingly stretching a little faster this time (which is common for subsequent pregnancies). I'm not the least bit worried about it, but do find it an interesting observation.
And then there are stretch marks...but I posted about those last week!
Oh, and since we're talking about bellies, yes, here's mine (sorry I never got one in at the 17ish week post...this photo is from 19 wks)
(every mama needs a leopard print maternity shirt, don't you think?!)Sunday, June 21, 2009
My Fathers
This post is taken from a talk that I gave in church on Father's Day a few years ago. Actually I gave it twice--once in college, and then a modified version 4 years later after I was married...what I share here today is most of that latter version. It is somewhat lengthy (it was supposed to be 15 minutes long!) but I hope you'll take a little time to read it. I felt that I was very inspired with the angle when I wrote the original, and I worked hard on it both times.
~j
I want to talk for just a minute to the primary kids. Can you all look up here? I promise this will be quick! Today I’m going to talk about daddies, and about how having a daddy here on Earth can help us understand about our Daddy in Heaven. Did you know you have a Daddy in Heaven? Usually we call him Heavenly Father, or sometimes we call him God, but did you know that what he likes best is to be called “Father”? And that is just another name for “Daddy.” God is the most powerful being in the entire universe, but of all the things He can do or make, the one thing that He thinks is the most important is that He is a daddy. Isn’t that neat? Today when you go home, I want you to think about your daddies, and how special they are, and how they can help you learn about your Heavenly Daddy too.
As a child, I had a lovely mental picture of Heavenly Father. He was huge, and He sat on a big white throne nestled in puffy clouds. There were birds and flowers and angels and books all around him. He knew everything, and he could DO anything. Actually, He was a little bit like Zeus, only without the toga. He knew who I was about the way that I knew who George Washington was—because he knew ABOUT me.
Later I learned that Heavenly Father knows me in a much more personal way. He may sit on that big white throne nestled in puffy clouds, but he’s more like Santa than like Zeus—He has children in His lap and He tells them stories and sings them songs. He knows them, their names, their wants, their needs, their desires, and their deepest secrets. He wants to hear about their day and their accomplishments and their trials—even when He was there and saw it all. He does this because they are HIS children. And He is their Daddy.
I like to use the title of “Daddy” in referring to my fathers—the earthly one and the Heavenly One. I realize it is not quite as formal, but that makes it more personal. Our Father in Heaven wants us to have a personal relationship with Him, just as He has one with us, and thinking of Him this way really helps me to do that. I was always something of a daddy’s girl, and I don’t see any reason why that type of relationship should be limited to earthly daddies. Today I have chosen to talk about how my relationship with my father (and father figures) has helped me to better understand my Father in Heaven, and I will do so with a series of stories.
First of all, I am a snuggler. Some of my earliest memories are of cuddling in daddy’s lap while he read stories to me…then later as I read stories to him. I even have memories of just sitting next to each other on the same couch, each reading to ourselves. . . . Now if you think about it, it’s pretty easy to see how this relates to Heavenly Father. He isn’t here physically for us to snuggle with, but His spirit is always available to us when we need comfort. I love 2 Nephi 1:15 where it says “The Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell;…and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.” Encircled eternally—that sounds like my kind of daddy!
Now I’d like to take a minute to talk about flowers. My dad has done landscaping and raised flowers since he was a teenager. Growing up, we always called his flowers his ‘other set of kids.’ Some days we’ve felt that WE were the other set and the flowers were first. He lives on about 1/3 acre in western Washington, and there are literally over 300 KINDS of flowers (I have no idea how many actual plants that adds up to!). When I was away at college it was common to call mom and have her say something like “well, dad took the tiller to the side lawn yesterday and now we have another flower bed.” Obviously, all these flowers don’t grow and flourish on their own—not even in the gentle climate they have there--they take work. Lots of work. And, knowing that hard work is good for kids, my dad taught us to do much of what needed to be done. I can’t even count the number of hours I spent in the rain pulling weeds, trimming roses, deadheading iris, and even watering under the eves (it’s a cruel irony that certain places must be watered even when it’s pouring rain!). Daddy always gave us instructions for exactly how to do everything. It wasn’t always simple or easy, and sometimes it was outright painful, but every year, from February when the crocus come out until October when the last of the roses finally go, there is a yard absolutely FULL of beauty. . . . We are Heavenly Father’s children, and our lives are His garden of flowers. He has planted seeds of great potential and beauty inside each of us, but we have to work hard if we want to see them bloom. He gives us gardening instructions in the form of commandments. He gives us nourishing rain in the form of trials. So, the next time the cold rain of life is running down your neck, inside your shirt, and making you shiver, remember that if you stick it out and put in the effort now, there is going to be a lot of beauty later on.
When I was in college, I had the opportunity to go to Hawaii. My dad was traveling there on business for 4 days, and was able to bring someone along—my mom couldn’t go, so he invited me. My flight and luxury hotel were covered, all I had to come up with was my own spending money. I had never been to Hawaii, and looked forward to the trip for months. The trip was wonderful, and worth every effort and little sacrifice I made to go. . . . Heavenly Father wants to take each of us on a trip too—to a wonderful beautiful place that we haven’t been to yet: it’s called the Celestial Kingdom. Christ’s blood has already paid for the ticket and accommodations. All that’s left for us to do is put in a little effort to earn our ‘play money’ as it were. If it seems hard to do that little bit, just remember that He already covered the big bills, and He only left us a couple of the little ones.
Next, I want to take a minute to share something about another of my fathers—my father in law. He is a wise and thoughtful man. I remember talking with my husband one evening on the way home from my in-laws house. We had not been married for very long, and that evening my father in law had offered some advice to us. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember thinking that it was very good advice, so I was surprised when my husband said “sorry my dad made you listen to his little lecture.” I mentioned that I’d thought the advice was very good, and my husband responded, “yes, I guess he does give good advice, but he tends to give the same advice again and again, and I guess I get kindof tired of listening to it.” . . . The comparison here is probably easy to see. Our Heavenly Father has given us instructions for life—they are simple and few, and through His prophets He repeats them often. The advice was good the first time it was given, and it is still good today—but are we still listening? Just because you’ve heard the prophet speak before, or just because you’ve heard speakers talk about testimonies or faith or repentance numerous times in the past, does that mean that you don’t need to hear it again?! I think Heavenly Father repeats Himself because even though the messages are simple, they are important. They are still good advice
Now I’m going to go into something that is a little more personal. I was homeschooled all my life, and my parents were (and are) some of the leaders of the homeschooling movement in Washington. The year that I, their eldest, started college, my dad was asked to speak at the State Homeschool convention about “life after homeschooling.” My father is a storyteller, and so he told them a little story, part of which I am going to read to you here:
I am a talker. Those who know me in person (and perhaps even those who only read here) can vouch for the fact that yes, I am a chatterbox. When I have troubles, I like to talk through them. When I’m upset or sad or lonely, I want someone to talk with. I remember one summer in college: I was 19. I had just moved to a new apartment with a new roommate whom I scarcely knew; and two days later I had started a new job. That night, I got a call from an old friend back home telling me that a mutual friend had just died, unexpectedly, the age of 23. It was a rough day, to say the least! The next day at work I just went through things mechanically and tried to keep my mind off my friend, but by that night I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, and I called my daddy. We talked for about an hour, which at that time was not common for us—we usually ran out of things to say pretty quickly. I sat in my bedroom, on the floor, crying and sniffling into the phone, and I knew he completely understood because he told me the names of the four people he had known in high school who had died before graduation. (He has never had a memory for names, so the fact that he remembered theirs, 25 years after the fact, made it clear how much of an impact that had had on him.) . . . So what, you may think. Heavenly Father isn’t on the phone—He can’t talk with me like that…can He? Well, I think He can. In 1 Nephi 3:1, Nephi says that he “returned from speaking WITH the Lord.” That phrase has often caused me to stop and think—do I speak to the Lord? Or with Him? Four years after that college experience, I was married and expecting a baby. We had just gone in for an ultrasound, and had not been able to see the baby’s heartbeat. I had miscarried twice in the previous 15 months, and was very unsettled by the ultrasound. The baby had measured at the correct size, but since there was no heartbeat, the doctor said it looked clear to him, and offered to do a D&C that night if I wanted to. I was very upset, and not at all sure what I wanted to do, I only I knew that I DIDN’T want to lose another baby. I sat in my bedroom, on the floor, crying and sniffling up to the sky, and begging Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. Very strongly I heard the words “Be still, and know that I am God.” Over and over and over I heard the same words—even when I tried to think about other things, or move those words aside so that I could hear other messages, I just heard those same words “Be Still.” So I was still. We didn’t do anything at that time. In case you’re wondering, yes, I did go on to miscarry—3 weeks later—but it was not the emotional torture that my prior miscarriage had been. Also, because we delayed in taking action—because we were still—I had the opportunity to meet a doctor who specialized in recurrent miscarriage, who was able to do some testing for us.
Our Father knows us. He knows where we are in life, and knows what we need. He lived a mortal life once, and He knows how to relate to each thing that we go through. He can help us through all these things, but we have to listen. We must trust that Our loving Father, our Daddy in Heaven, is, in fact, God. He is the most perfect Father we have. Our fathers and father figures here can help us to understand Him, but it is not until we develop that personal relationship with Him that we can truly be happy.
~j
I want to talk for just a minute to the primary kids. Can you all look up here? I promise this will be quick! Today I’m going to talk about daddies, and about how having a daddy here on Earth can help us understand about our Daddy in Heaven. Did you know you have a Daddy in Heaven? Usually we call him Heavenly Father, or sometimes we call him God, but did you know that what he likes best is to be called “Father”? And that is just another name for “Daddy.” God is the most powerful being in the entire universe, but of all the things He can do or make, the one thing that He thinks is the most important is that He is a daddy. Isn’t that neat? Today when you go home, I want you to think about your daddies, and how special they are, and how they can help you learn about your Heavenly Daddy too.
As a child, I had a lovely mental picture of Heavenly Father. He was huge, and He sat on a big white throne nestled in puffy clouds. There were birds and flowers and angels and books all around him. He knew everything, and he could DO anything. Actually, He was a little bit like Zeus, only without the toga. He knew who I was about the way that I knew who George Washington was—because he knew ABOUT me.
Later I learned that Heavenly Father knows me in a much more personal way. He may sit on that big white throne nestled in puffy clouds, but he’s more like Santa than like Zeus—He has children in His lap and He tells them stories and sings them songs. He knows them, their names, their wants, their needs, their desires, and their deepest secrets. He wants to hear about their day and their accomplishments and their trials—even when He was there and saw it all. He does this because they are HIS children. And He is their Daddy.
I like to use the title of “Daddy” in referring to my fathers—the earthly one and the Heavenly One. I realize it is not quite as formal, but that makes it more personal. Our Father in Heaven wants us to have a personal relationship with Him, just as He has one with us, and thinking of Him this way really helps me to do that. I was always something of a daddy’s girl, and I don’t see any reason why that type of relationship should be limited to earthly daddies. Today I have chosen to talk about how my relationship with my father (and father figures) has helped me to better understand my Father in Heaven, and I will do so with a series of stories.
First of all, I am a snuggler. Some of my earliest memories are of cuddling in daddy’s lap while he read stories to me…then later as I read stories to him. I even have memories of just sitting next to each other on the same couch, each reading to ourselves. . . . Now if you think about it, it’s pretty easy to see how this relates to Heavenly Father. He isn’t here physically for us to snuggle with, but His spirit is always available to us when we need comfort. I love 2 Nephi 1:15 where it says “The Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell;…and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love.” Encircled eternally—that sounds like my kind of daddy!
Now I’d like to take a minute to talk about flowers. My dad has done landscaping and raised flowers since he was a teenager. Growing up, we always called his flowers his ‘other set of kids.’ Some days we’ve felt that WE were the other set and the flowers were first. He lives on about 1/3 acre in western Washington, and there are literally over 300 KINDS of flowers (I have no idea how many actual plants that adds up to!). When I was away at college it was common to call mom and have her say something like “well, dad took the tiller to the side lawn yesterday and now we have another flower bed.” Obviously, all these flowers don’t grow and flourish on their own—not even in the gentle climate they have there--they take work. Lots of work. And, knowing that hard work is good for kids, my dad taught us to do much of what needed to be done. I can’t even count the number of hours I spent in the rain pulling weeds, trimming roses, deadheading iris, and even watering under the eves (it’s a cruel irony that certain places must be watered even when it’s pouring rain!). Daddy always gave us instructions for exactly how to do everything. It wasn’t always simple or easy, and sometimes it was outright painful, but every year, from February when the crocus come out until October when the last of the roses finally go, there is a yard absolutely FULL of beauty. . . . We are Heavenly Father’s children, and our lives are His garden of flowers. He has planted seeds of great potential and beauty inside each of us, but we have to work hard if we want to see them bloom. He gives us gardening instructions in the form of commandments. He gives us nourishing rain in the form of trials. So, the next time the cold rain of life is running down your neck, inside your shirt, and making you shiver, remember that if you stick it out and put in the effort now, there is going to be a lot of beauty later on.
When I was in college, I had the opportunity to go to Hawaii. My dad was traveling there on business for 4 days, and was able to bring someone along—my mom couldn’t go, so he invited me. My flight and luxury hotel were covered, all I had to come up with was my own spending money. I had never been to Hawaii, and looked forward to the trip for months. The trip was wonderful, and worth every effort and little sacrifice I made to go. . . . Heavenly Father wants to take each of us on a trip too—to a wonderful beautiful place that we haven’t been to yet: it’s called the Celestial Kingdom. Christ’s blood has already paid for the ticket and accommodations. All that’s left for us to do is put in a little effort to earn our ‘play money’ as it were. If it seems hard to do that little bit, just remember that He already covered the big bills, and He only left us a couple of the little ones.
Next, I want to take a minute to share something about another of my fathers—my father in law. He is a wise and thoughtful man. I remember talking with my husband one evening on the way home from my in-laws house. We had not been married for very long, and that evening my father in law had offered some advice to us. I don’t remember what it was about, but I remember thinking that it was very good advice, so I was surprised when my husband said “sorry my dad made you listen to his little lecture.” I mentioned that I’d thought the advice was very good, and my husband responded, “yes, I guess he does give good advice, but he tends to give the same advice again and again, and I guess I get kindof tired of listening to it.” . . . The comparison here is probably easy to see. Our Heavenly Father has given us instructions for life—they are simple and few, and through His prophets He repeats them often. The advice was good the first time it was given, and it is still good today—but are we still listening? Just because you’ve heard the prophet speak before, or just because you’ve heard speakers talk about testimonies or faith or repentance numerous times in the past, does that mean that you don’t need to hear it again?! I think Heavenly Father repeats Himself because even though the messages are simple, they are important. They are still good advice
Now I’m going to go into something that is a little more personal. I was homeschooled all my life, and my parents were (and are) some of the leaders of the homeschooling movement in Washington. The year that I, their eldest, started college, my dad was asked to speak at the State Homeschool convention about “life after homeschooling.” My father is a storyteller, and so he told them a little story, part of which I am going to read to you here:
One summer morning a baby girl was bornMy daddy has always encouraged me to be independent, but I know that somewhere inside—whether it’s in his workshop or just in his heart—he still cries those great big crocodile tears from time to time, because he misses the not-so-little girl who has long since moved out and married and started a family of her own. . . . Heavenly Father is much the same way. He has given us the independence of a mortal life with the agency to do as we please. He is happy to see us grow and learn and take on new adventures. He is thrilled with our accomplishments. But when we choose to wander away from Him, I think He too is crying. He would like us to live close enough that we can visit more than just at Christmas and Easter. He would like us to ‘call home’ with prayer each day, and, above all, He doesn’t want us to forget him.
Her mommy blubbered and said “oh, it’s a baby” and held her close
Her daddy blubbered and said “so it is” and held her out on the end of his arm, facing the world
So mommy nurtured the little girl and dried her tears and read her stories and calmed her fears
And daddy challenged her and dried her tears and told her stretched stories and gave her fears—by taking her rappelling
Mommy taught her to read and do sums and write
Daddy taught her to read classics, measure rooms, and write things others would want to read…
Mommy taught her responsibility and useful life skills like preparing a gourmet meal and changing a baby’s diaper
Daddy taught her independence and useful life skills like driving a car and giving him backrubs
Mommy drew her into the family circle
Daddy pushed her out the door
Mommy’s love teaches competence, creates a heart, gives a foundation and an anchor
Daddy’s love prepares the not-so-little girl to sally into the world and make her own mark
When she left mommy cried, openly, great big crocodile tears
When she left daddy smiled, said ‘go for it’ waved heartily, and then hid out in the workshop to cry great big crocodile tears.
Thus the dilemma, I am of two minds
Is there life after homeschooling? For whom?
For the not-so-little girl, yes—the richest life imaginable
All doors are open to her. She is capable of everything and anything.
Is Daddy pleased? Does it rain in Seattle? But Jenni lives her own life now, and daddy is oh so lonely since college, music, work, and life swallowed up his little girl.
I am a talker. Those who know me in person (and perhaps even those who only read here) can vouch for the fact that yes, I am a chatterbox. When I have troubles, I like to talk through them. When I’m upset or sad or lonely, I want someone to talk with. I remember one summer in college: I was 19. I had just moved to a new apartment with a new roommate whom I scarcely knew; and two days later I had started a new job. That night, I got a call from an old friend back home telling me that a mutual friend had just died, unexpectedly, the age of 23. It was a rough day, to say the least! The next day at work I just went through things mechanically and tried to keep my mind off my friend, but by that night I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, and I called my daddy. We talked for about an hour, which at that time was not common for us—we usually ran out of things to say pretty quickly. I sat in my bedroom, on the floor, crying and sniffling into the phone, and I knew he completely understood because he told me the names of the four people he had known in high school who had died before graduation. (He has never had a memory for names, so the fact that he remembered theirs, 25 years after the fact, made it clear how much of an impact that had had on him.) . . . So what, you may think. Heavenly Father isn’t on the phone—He can’t talk with me like that…can He? Well, I think He can. In 1 Nephi 3:1, Nephi says that he “returned from speaking WITH the Lord.” That phrase has often caused me to stop and think—do I speak to the Lord? Or with Him? Four years after that college experience, I was married and expecting a baby. We had just gone in for an ultrasound, and had not been able to see the baby’s heartbeat. I had miscarried twice in the previous 15 months, and was very unsettled by the ultrasound. The baby had measured at the correct size, but since there was no heartbeat, the doctor said it looked clear to him, and offered to do a D&C that night if I wanted to. I was very upset, and not at all sure what I wanted to do, I only I knew that I DIDN’T want to lose another baby. I sat in my bedroom, on the floor, crying and sniffling up to the sky, and begging Heavenly Father to tell me what to do. Very strongly I heard the words “Be still, and know that I am God.” Over and over and over I heard the same words—even when I tried to think about other things, or move those words aside so that I could hear other messages, I just heard those same words “Be Still.” So I was still. We didn’t do anything at that time. In case you’re wondering, yes, I did go on to miscarry—3 weeks later—but it was not the emotional torture that my prior miscarriage had been. Also, because we delayed in taking action—because we were still—I had the opportunity to meet a doctor who specialized in recurrent miscarriage, who was able to do some testing for us.
Our Father knows us. He knows where we are in life, and knows what we need. He lived a mortal life once, and He knows how to relate to each thing that we go through. He can help us through all these things, but we have to listen. We must trust that Our loving Father, our Daddy in Heaven, is, in fact, God. He is the most perfect Father we have. Our fathers and father figures here can help us to understand Him, but it is not until we develop that personal relationship with Him that we can truly be happy.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Compliance vs Cooperation
"It's not control or compliance that you are looking for;
it's calm and cooperation."
~Barbara Coloroso in "Kids are Worth It"
it's calm and cooperation."
~Barbara Coloroso in "Kids are Worth It"
Every time I see a parenting book talk about 'compliance' I remember something I read in some other parenting book (I honestly don't remember which one):
Think about the person that you hope your child will be when he grows up. Do you want him to be a 'yes man' who only knows how to follow orders and who never questions authority? Or do you want him to be a thinking person who knows how to look at the situation and see the options, find solutions, make compromises, and (when appropriate) question authority?
I am hoping for the latter. For this reason, I do not believe that it is appropriate to force my children to bend to my will.
Scripture teaches that "He that is commanded in all things is a slothful and not a wise servant." This is not the future I hope for for my children!
All of this is not to suggest that I never tell my children what to do. I am here in a position of authority, and it is my job to teach them and raise them. There are some things they don't know yet, and some things which they know but don't practice very well yet. I absolutely believe that obedience is vital, and if I tell my child to do something I absolutely expect them to obey me. BUT, before telling my child to do something, I try consider just why I am telling him this. Is it an issue which threatens a body, mind, or soul? If not, then how much does it really matter? For example, I may find it terribly annoying that Wolf prefers to sleep with his feet by the headboard and his head at the other end of his bed. I may also find it very strange that as often as not he'd rather sleep on the floor. But is this really a problem? Or does it just annoy me? and if it's only an annoyance, only a preference, then are my preferences more important than his preferences? (if you answered 'yes' to that last question, I urge you to really reconsider how you view your children, and whether you genuinely respect them.) If it is not something with threatens body, mind, soul (or property), then I try to stay out of the way.
OK you say, but sleeping upside down or on the floor isn't a big deal. Yes, you're right, it's not. But I have seen parents get terribly upset over things that small. Let me try to think of some more examples:
- Hitting a sibling or playmate--bodily harm (I will intervene)
- Refusing to eat a particular food--only an annoyance. (I don't like mushrooms, and I am willing to accept that Wolf doesn't like tomatoes. So long as he has tried them, he has a right to have that opinion.)
- Throwing things--it depends where he is...rocks in the lake? go for it. rocks at a sibling? Absolutely not. rocks in the back yard? well, it depends a great deal on the size and layout of the backyard!
- Climbing trees that look too big to me--oo, danger to body! Make him get down, right?! (well, is he really in danger? Possibly...but I have concluded that I will never help my kid into a tree...if they can get up themselves, then I figure that wherever they climb is within their range of skill)
- Eating candy before dinner--potentially this could harm his body, so we certainly don't allow it regularly...on the other hand, I'm of the opinion that a child who doesn't get apple pie or chocolate cake for breakfast from time to time may be in danger of mental or spiritual harm, so sometimes the balance is more important than having a rule with no exceptions.
Or not.
That's going to be another post.
Friday, June 19, 2009
"The Explosive Child" by Ross W Greene
The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W Greene, Ph.D.
I must begin this review by stating that I think that the book has a somewhat unfortunate title. At least to me, it sounds terribly negative, and that's something I try to avoid in parenting books. (I will never forget the day I picked up Dr James Dobson's "The Strong-Willed Child" wherein he said that some kids are just stubborn and we must basically beat it out of them otherwise they will end up sending themselves to hell. Really, that's what he said! It was terrible!) In any case, TEC is not like that at all. It's actually a very positive and proactive sort of book.
One point he does make right at the beginning is that some children explode (yelling, tantruming, hurting others, etc) while others implode (shutting down, ignoring, walking away from the situation, etc). Children with different temperaments will of course react to things differently, but according to Dr Greene, the causes are essentially the same, so can be treated with the same method.
Dr Greene's basic premise is that children do well if they can (rather than the more commonly taught children do well if they want to). In other words, if the child knows the rules, and has motivation to follow them, but is consistently misbehaving anyway, then it is because he has "a developmental delay--a learning disability of sorts--in the skills of flexibility and frustration tolerance" (p 15). In other words, they don't misbehave because they want to, they misbehave because they literally don't have the skills to process situations and behave in a more appropriate or adaptive manner. These kids don't need more incentives, punishments, or consequences--they need to be taught the skills that they are lacking.
Greene explains that "An explosive outburst--like other maladaptive behavior--occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip that person's capacity to respond adaptively" (p 17). I know that's a lot of big words and technical terms all strung together, but take a minute to go back and read it again, because it's really critical as it underpins the whole philosophy of the book.
Having established that these children are misbehaving (and exploding/imploding) because they lack the skills to do otherwise, Greene then lays out the skills which are commonly lacking (different children will lack different skills of course, and many lack more than one):
The second part of identifying the problem is to consider triggers--that is, the situations or events that tend to set the child off. Many children are triggered by being tired, hungry, frustrated, or overstimulated. Sometimes just the presence of a certain person (or type of person) can be a trigger. Other triggers include things like being corrected, having an unexpected change in plans, or having to switch from one activity to another. Hopefully most parents already know that reducing triggers can reduce explosions, but sometimes triggering situations cannot be avoided, and that is where Plan B comes in.
Dr Greene discusses 3 plans: Plans A, B, and C.
Plan A is where the Adult forces his will on the child (it's what most of us were probably raised with--a "because I said so" sort of mentality, and when applied to a child who lacks the skills to measure up to the adult's expectations, it is a recipe for disaster...not to mention that it's not very respectful of the child!).
Plan C is where the adult capitulates and just lets the Child do what he pleases (which is not respectful of the adult, so is also problematic).
Plan B is to utilize what Dr Greene calls "collaborative problem solving" (CPS) to find solutions that will solve the concerns of Both adult and child. So of course Plan B is the ideal.
There is a time for Plan A--when the kid is running into the road of course you should grab him and stop him in spite of his protests. There is also a time for Plan C--when you realize that the issue at hand is not that big a deal or that your expectation was unrealistic. For the rest of the time, CPS can be a great tool to help parent and child work out solutions to deal with the immediate problems...and over time, as the parent guides them through the thinking processes of CPS, the child should be able to develop the skills he's been lacking.
Collaborative Problem Solving (in it's simplest form) consists of 3 steps:
1--empathize with the child (get their concern on the table, and let them see that you care about them and their concern)
2--define the problem (get your concern on the table too)
3--invite the child to propose solutions (you can make propositions of your own as well, but most children will have a higher investment in something they thought of, so if it seems like a decent solution, by all means try their idea! Remember that "Plan B is not 'tricky' Plan A!" (p 108).)
An acceptable solution is one that is realistic, doable, and mutually satisfactory. If it fails to meet any of those criteria, then keep proposing solutions until you find something that meets all three.
I highly recommend this book, particularly for any parent who has a child who consistently misbehaves even though he knows the rules and has been repeatedly punished for breaking them. It had never occurred to me that my academically advanced son might be struggling with certain mental skills, but as I read this book I repeatedly had the thought "that sounds a lot like my kid." I am just beginning to try CPS with him (Hubby hasn't read the book yet), and the first couple of attempts floundered a bit...I think he's used to us pushing our agenda (Plan A) and is struggling to identify what his own needs/wants actually are, because (unfortunately) they have often been ignored in the past as we tried to force him to do things our way. But the second try went better than the first, and I look forward to increased peace for all of us as we get the hang of this.
By the way, I did explain the basics here, but if you think these ideas would be helpful for you or your family, please don't rely on my version, please do get the book and read it for yourself. Dr Greene gives much more thorough explanations than I did, including sample conversations of how to apply CPS, common mistakes that parents make when trying to utilize CPS, and ideas for how to work with kids who don't want to work with you.
For those with school aged children, Dr Greene has also written Lost at School which teaches the same philosophy with school applications.
I must begin this review by stating that I think that the book has a somewhat unfortunate title. At least to me, it sounds terribly negative, and that's something I try to avoid in parenting books. (I will never forget the day I picked up Dr James Dobson's "The Strong-Willed Child" wherein he said that some kids are just stubborn and we must basically beat it out of them otherwise they will end up sending themselves to hell. Really, that's what he said! It was terrible!) In any case, TEC is not like that at all. It's actually a very positive and proactive sort of book.
One point he does make right at the beginning is that some children explode (yelling, tantruming, hurting others, etc) while others implode (shutting down, ignoring, walking away from the situation, etc). Children with different temperaments will of course react to things differently, but according to Dr Greene, the causes are essentially the same, so can be treated with the same method.
Dr Greene's basic premise is that children do well if they can (rather than the more commonly taught children do well if they want to). In other words, if the child knows the rules, and has motivation to follow them, but is consistently misbehaving anyway, then it is because he has "a developmental delay--a learning disability of sorts--in the skills of flexibility and frustration tolerance" (p 15). In other words, they don't misbehave because they want to, they misbehave because they literally don't have the skills to process situations and behave in a more appropriate or adaptive manner. These kids don't need more incentives, punishments, or consequences--they need to be taught the skills that they are lacking.
Greene explains that "An explosive outburst--like other maladaptive behavior--occurs when the cognitive demands being placed upon a person outstrip that person's capacity to respond adaptively" (p 17). I know that's a lot of big words and technical terms all strung together, but take a minute to go back and read it again, because it's really critical as it underpins the whole philosophy of the book.
Having established that these children are misbehaving (and exploding/imploding) because they lack the skills to do otherwise, Greene then lays out the skills which are commonly lacking (different children will lack different skills of course, and many lack more than one):
- Executive Skills (shifting from one activity to another, organization/planning, putting ideas into action, and separating emotional response from the thinking necessary to solve the problem)
- Language Processing Skills (categorizing & expressing emotion, identifying & articulating his own needs, and solving problems)
- Emotion Regulation Skills (when they become tired, irritated, scared, or otherwise upset their emotion gets in the way of their thinking, so they become irrational, inflexible, frustrated, and explosive)
- Cognitive Flexibility Skills ("black-and-white thinkers stuck in a grey world" who struggle with adapting to changes in plans or changes in routine/schedule)
- Social Skills (picking up social cues, interpreting those cues correctly, figuring out appropriate responses in social situations, and realizing how his behavior affects others)
The second part of identifying the problem is to consider triggers--that is, the situations or events that tend to set the child off. Many children are triggered by being tired, hungry, frustrated, or overstimulated. Sometimes just the presence of a certain person (or type of person) can be a trigger. Other triggers include things like being corrected, having an unexpected change in plans, or having to switch from one activity to another. Hopefully most parents already know that reducing triggers can reduce explosions, but sometimes triggering situations cannot be avoided, and that is where Plan B comes in.
Dr Greene discusses 3 plans: Plans A, B, and C.
Plan A is where the Adult forces his will on the child (it's what most of us were probably raised with--a "because I said so" sort of mentality, and when applied to a child who lacks the skills to measure up to the adult's expectations, it is a recipe for disaster...not to mention that it's not very respectful of the child!).
Plan C is where the adult capitulates and just lets the Child do what he pleases (which is not respectful of the adult, so is also problematic).
Plan B is to utilize what Dr Greene calls "collaborative problem solving" (CPS) to find solutions that will solve the concerns of Both adult and child. So of course Plan B is the ideal.
There is a time for Plan A--when the kid is running into the road of course you should grab him and stop him in spite of his protests. There is also a time for Plan C--when you realize that the issue at hand is not that big a deal or that your expectation was unrealistic. For the rest of the time, CPS can be a great tool to help parent and child work out solutions to deal with the immediate problems...and over time, as the parent guides them through the thinking processes of CPS, the child should be able to develop the skills he's been lacking.
Collaborative Problem Solving (in it's simplest form) consists of 3 steps:
1--empathize with the child (get their concern on the table, and let them see that you care about them and their concern)
2--define the problem (get your concern on the table too)
3--invite the child to propose solutions (you can make propositions of your own as well, but most children will have a higher investment in something they thought of, so if it seems like a decent solution, by all means try their idea! Remember that "Plan B is not 'tricky' Plan A!" (p 108).)
An acceptable solution is one that is realistic, doable, and mutually satisfactory. If it fails to meet any of those criteria, then keep proposing solutions until you find something that meets all three.
I highly recommend this book, particularly for any parent who has a child who consistently misbehaves even though he knows the rules and has been repeatedly punished for breaking them. It had never occurred to me that my academically advanced son might be struggling with certain mental skills, but as I read this book I repeatedly had the thought "that sounds a lot like my kid." I am just beginning to try CPS with him (Hubby hasn't read the book yet), and the first couple of attempts floundered a bit...I think he's used to us pushing our agenda (Plan A) and is struggling to identify what his own needs/wants actually are, because (unfortunately) they have often been ignored in the past as we tried to force him to do things our way. But the second try went better than the first, and I look forward to increased peace for all of us as we get the hang of this.
By the way, I did explain the basics here, but if you think these ideas would be helpful for you or your family, please don't rely on my version, please do get the book and read it for yourself. Dr Greene gives much more thorough explanations than I did, including sample conversations of how to apply CPS, common mistakes that parents make when trying to utilize CPS, and ideas for how to work with kids who don't want to work with you.
For those with school aged children, Dr Greene has also written Lost at School which teaches the same philosophy with school applications.
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