17 Weeks

(did you notice that I've started using different tickers each time? It's kinda fun finding new tickers! This particular site has a whole bunch of cool icons--babywearing, carseats, finger signs, zodiac...oh yeah, and did you notice the brilliant use of leopard print?! ☺ )

Don't be too shocked but... your baby is EVEN bigger than it was last week, not to mention getting cuter, and smarter every day! As you’ve come to expect, there’s no shortage of growth and development this week: your fantastic little bean stalk has added yet another half inch to their overall height-- making them nearly half a foot long! Their little limbs have reached (or are within one week of) their relative proportions, and will continue to grow evenly with the rest of the body after this week. Reactive listening has begun for your baby, even though their ears are not yet structurally complete or fully functional. Meanwhile, different parts of their astonishingly complex brain are developing to process your little one’s hearing and other senses, (you know, sight, smell, taste and touch). Mind boggling factoid of the week: if you’re having going to have a little girl, her ovaries have already produced millions of primordial egg cells, which, within a few weeks, will develop into actual eggs!

I can't post a picture this time because we're still on the road, BUT I will try to get one soon, along with updating you on all the other fun stuff that's going on!

Concerning the Rampant Overuse of "No"

How many parents do you know who use the word "no" like some new punctuation mark, liberally dabbing it throughout each sentence they utter--at least if that sentence is directed toward their child? Do you feel badly for those kids (oh please say yes!). Sure, it's important to intervene with kids sometimes, and "no" is an important and useful word for a child to understand at an early age, but if they hear it all the time then how likely is it that they consider it worth responding to? I believe that the overuse of "no" leads it to become just another filler word, like "an" or "the," and even though they use them (in imitation), I don't know a single toddler who actually knows what either of those words means.

If you are yelling "No!" at your child every 5 seconds, or even every 5 minutes, he will begin to tune it out, and in the moment when it really matters (eg: as he's running into the street) he will neither hear nor respond to you. (Yes, I watched an over-no'ed neighbor child do just that. He was a darn lucky kid that the truck was not going very fast and was able to stop in time.)

So, it is without hesitation that I seek to avoid telling my children "no." Does this mean that I let them just do whatever they like? No! But it means that I try to save that sharp "NO!" for when it is really important.

What do I say instead? Lots of things!

"Yes!" (because, let's face it, the occasional surprise "yes" is a great thing for morale)

"Yes, when _____" [yes, you can play the video game, when you've finished your homework]

"Yes, if ___" [yes, you can go fishing on the dock if you wear your life jacket and stay in the marked area]

"Let me think about it for a minute" (this gives me a chance to think about it for a minute...this is a nice option if I'm really not sure how I want to respond to the request)

"Why should you get to?" (in other words, talk me into it--this is particularly fun with elementary schoolers, as they come up with some fascinating reasons why they should be allowed to do the things they want to...but I think it is a great tool for teens as well--let them learn to make their case!)

If you are a thoughtful reader, as hopefully you are, you may have noticed that my alternatives all tend to be responses to questions, as in, when my son asks if he can have chocolate cake for breakfast... I have not really talked about applications for reducing the use of "no" in non-conversational situations, such as while watching kids play on the playground, or when they are getting into the kitchen cupboards at home. I have two thoughts about these 'observational' situations: the first is to try to avoid problems--keep hazardous things stored out of reach, lock cupboards, put plugs in the electrical outlets, and take your children to parks which have age-appropriate playgrounds... The second alternative then becomes more obvious: just say nothing.

Children do not need us to micromanage their lives, not even when they are 2. They are exploring the world and learning about the laws of physics (like gravity!). Falling down, getting dirty and yes, a certain amount of getting hurt is a normal part of childhood. Eating a little dirt or the occasional bug will earn a "eww, yukky!" from me, and getting filthy will get a "wow, we'd better get you straight into the tub/shower" (or sometimes a "we'd better hose you off before you come inside!"), but no trill of screamed "nonononononooooooooooo!!!"

Obviously I will intervene if a child is in serious danger...but the little spills and mud pies? Naw. Let kids be kids.

(Can you think of other alternatives to "no"? I would love to hear them!)

Out of the Mouths of...Cookies?!

We went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant tonight. I've often chuckled at the inane comments found inside fortune cookies, but tonight's were so fitting that I thought I'd share them with the world.

Mine:
This year you should explore your feminine side
[I dunno, maybe by having a baby?]

Hubby's:
Now is the time to make your family a priority
[He probably would not have left Pelican if it weren't for the rest of us...]

Wolf:
Your words are charming. You should write a letter tomorrow.
[admittedly not as perfect a fit...although it sounds like someone knows that somebody needs some encouragement to write more ☺]

Bear:
Soon you should explore some nearby coastline
[perhaps by ferry?!]

So long, farewell!

Right about the time this message posts on this blog, we and our van will be on board the MV LeConte (the ferry in the photo), pulling out from the Pelican dock...probably never to return.

Goodbye Pelican . . . There are some things I will miss about you, but honestly, not enough that I think I will ever want to come back to visit...

Tonight we'll be in Juneau, and in a few days we'll catch a ferry up to Haines, and from there we will drive the 850ish miles to Anchorage.
We don't have an apartment yet, we just have a storage unit, where we will be putting most of our stuff before flying south to visit family for the next few weeks.

I will probably not be online very much in the coming weeks, but I have scheduled a number of blog posts in my absence, and I will check in from time to time.

Have a happy summer. I know I will!

The Mama Bear

How public is your blog?
Photos, real names, where we live...no secrets -- 8 (21%)
Have photos, but use kids' initials or nicknames, not detailed on where we live -- 16 (42%)
No photos, no real names, very vague about where we live -- 2 (5%)
I avoid topics that would require me to name my kids or discuss where I live -- 0 (0%)
My blog is private (invited readers only) -- 3 (8%)
I don't blog -- 8 (21%)

About two years ago I wrote a post about being public vs private in the personal information that we share on our blogs. At that point, I was always very vague about where I lived (I just said "western USA" though I've since specified the state); since coming to Pelican, however, I've been a lot more open. The reasoning is simple--if some creep wanted to come steal my kids from here, they would have to go to a LOT of trouble to do it (6hrs each way on the ferry? Not likely. Expensive seaplane ride? Even harder--the seaplane folks know my kids and wouldn't let them board. ) If someone in town wanted to swipe my kids, all I'd have to do is go door to door for 20 minutes until I found them. Really, I just don't worry about that kind of predator out here. (The bears are, admittedly, a whole other issue, but they don't read this blog!)

However, now that we're preparing to move--to a place with roads this time--I'm going to get more vague again. No photos that show our house or our neighborhood, nothing too specific about our town... I'll probably just stick with "Alaska" (it's a nice big state!) and leave it at that. The chances of a creep going to the effort to try to track us down is still minimal, but I'm not going to do anything to help, because those creeps are out there.
I will continue post pictures of my kids from time to time, but I will also continue to use nicknames for my children--they are minors, and frankly their names are not any of your business. ☺ I don't mind mentioning my own name, or my husband's, because 1--we are adults and 2--we both have really common names. But my kids, well, I reserve the right to be a protective mama bear for my little cubs. ☺

SO, yes, we are moving. No, I am not going to tell you quite where...but we are leaving the bush, and we're oh so happy about that.

"Manipulating Parents" by Paul W Robinson

The first, and most important, point of this book is that children do not try to manipulate their parents per se, they simply seek ways to get what they want. In other words, their intentions are pure, but sometimes their methods are problematic.
I do agree with that basic premise--that children often engage in manipulating behavior in their efforts to get what they want. I have mixed responses to the author's recommendations for how to respond to these behaviors, but here I will go into the parts which with I agree.

Robinson begins by outlining classic methods of manipulation:

• ask for more, settle for less (child asks for 10 more minutes, haggles down to 5, but still gets more time which is what he wanted)
• repeating (they ask so many times that the parent wears out and gives in)
• setting parents against each other ("but mom said..." "dad would let me...")
• shaping (asks for something small, then more, then more)
• wearing out the parent (they squirm until let go, ignore until parent gives up, etc)
• follow the crowd ("but everybody is doing it")
• playing favorites ("you let __ do ___, you like him better")
• threats ("I'll run away") or tantrums
• public places (they know you'll respond differently in front of friends or a crowd)

He then expresses that it is important for the parent to be "in the driver's seat" and to not let the child run things. Now here is a point where I don't wholly agree...as I've mentioned elsewhere, I don't want my children to grow up to be yes-men, I want them to be thinking individuals. On the other hand, (to stick with his driving analogy), my kids only have learners permits, whereas I am a licensed driver, so they do need to heed me as I am trying to teach them safe and appropriate ways to get down the road. ☺
Robinson offers a list of ways that the parent can stay in the drivers seat, including classic recommendations such as "be aware of your child's manipulations and never give in," "be consistent," and "give children freedoms in direct proportion to their appropriate behavior." I used to think that these things made a lot of sense, but as illustrated in past (and future) parenting posts here, some of my perspectives have shifted.
I do agree with the author on the following points:

• The child should take responsibility for his own actions (don't put blame on yourself or anyone else)
• The child should take responsibility for his own knowledge
• Respond to (correct) your child as necessary, regardless of location, situation, or surrounding people [a personal note: if in public, I think it is important to correct children in a discreet way, but I do think it's best to address problems immediately rather than waiting]
• Make sure the child knows that you love him. Say it, show it, and remind him often.
• Make sure that your words match your actions. Be someone your child can count on [and, I would add, don't utilize manipulative techniques on them either!]

I'm working on a post outlining the most basic premise of my parenting philosophy, which is respect: respect for oneself and for everyone else. Truthfully, if respect is demonstrated and practiced by the parents, it will probably be practiced by the children as well, and it is likely that manipulative behaviors will be sporadic rather than habitual. However every child is different, and I think that some are inclined toward manipulation. Again, it's not a malicious thing on their part, it is simply their effort to get what they want. Since I perceive their wants as being as valid as my own, I'm often willing to give them what they want. I am opposed to denying them just because they ask in an inappropriate way, but I would certainly make efforts to help them find better ways to ask, (and then I would expect them to utilize those methods in the future).

Robinson speaks of punishment methods to use to break manipulative behaviors...while I appreciate that sometimes parents do need to impose consequences, I am not a fan of punishment as such...I agree with him that it is important to always address problematic behavior, I just have different opinions about the best ways to address it. ☺

One very important point Robinson makes is that we as parents need to be careful that our expectations of our children are appropriate. As I've said before, I do believe that children (and adults) tend to live up to what is expected of them, but we do need to have realistic expectations. A third grader cannot do algebra, and a toddler cannot lift the milk jug to pass at the dinner table...on the other hand, a 5 year old can check in before going outside, and a teenager can schedule in advance to borrow the car.

For those parents who are firmly in the "gentle discipline" camp, this book will probably offend you greatly. When I first read it I thought it had a lot of good ideas, but as I said, my philosophy of parenting has shifted since then. I think that this book (like most parenting books I've read) has its good parts; however I've just covered them all for you, so now you don't need to read it yourself. ☺

Facebook Friday (evening edition)

Ha, it's Friday again and I nearly missed it (again).

Highlights from the last two weeks...

Saturday 5/2
8:58pm
Jenni is delighted that the pull-ups I got for Bear for nights have cars on them. Bear is delighted about the new "car underpants." Now I will wash and pack the last of the cloth diapers (which he was using at night, but I'm pretty sure he's staying dry...I just wanted the little 'disappearing dots' on the pull-ups for a few weeks to make sure!)

Monday 5/4
12:47 pm
Jenni's husband has two job leads today!

Tuesday 5/5
11:01 am
Jenni is enjoying the shorter haircut now that the sun has finally come...it feels springy and spunky and cute. :)

Wednesday 5/6
11:04am
Jenni is praying for Hubby's job interview this afternoon to go well. Also she's craving a strawberry milkshake...but the job interview seems more important.
4:51 pm
Jenni is very happy that Hubby's interview went well. Now it's ok for me to obsess a little more about that strawberry milkshake (which I will have to get in about three weeks...when we hit mainland...)
[I subsequently found out that it's possible to get one here in town...rural prices are not at all the same as mainland prices, but hey, it's possible to get the pregnant woman a strawberry shake...]

Thursday 5/7
8:26am
Jenni is impressed that the 2yo has slept the last two nights in plain regular underpants...but sad that last night he cried a lot about not nursing.
11:31am
Jenni just got a strawberry milkshake!! (Bear filched a large portion of it, assuring me that it was actually his...oh well, I used the opportunity to tell him about how it's great to be a big boy--and give up nursing--because then you can get cool stuff like milkshakes!)
10:02 pm
Jenni tucked two boys in in one big bed (mine), and now they have both gone to sleep and need to be carried to their own beds...or maybe Hubby and I should just sleep in Wolf's bed...it's a double...hmmmmmmm.

Friday 5/8
1:38pm
Jenni is tired...and frustrated...but hopeful! [on this day we thought we had a job offer but then it was actually not an official offer it was a call of interest, but they do seem very very interested!]

Saturday 5/9
12:57 pm
Jenni wants a strawberry milkshake again. :s
3:35 pm
Jenni has done 2 loads of laundry and packed 4 boxes today. check! check! oo, that to-do list is shrinking!

Sunday 5/10
4:34 pm
Jenni has tickets to come to Utah this summer!

Monday 5/11
7:49 am
Jenni is thrilled that Bear slept through the night last night *in*his*own*bed!!

Tuesday 5/12
4:00 pm
Jenni just tried the priceline "name your own price" thing for the first time...and will soon be staying in Juneau's luxury Baranof hotel for less than the Super 8 price!

Wednesday 5/13
8:38am
Jenni had a dream last night that she gave birth to a girl...then she woke up to find that Bear had slept through the night in his own bed again. Mmmm, what a great morning!

Thursday 5/14
8:46 am
Jenni feels very fat today
2:18 pm
Jenni is pleased to announce that Bear fell asleep for his nap without nursing for the second day in a row. Yes, I am shamelessly using movies to accomplish this, but the point is the not-nursing, right?

Friday 5/15
9:14am
Jenni's goal for the day: find a storage unit place to hold our stuff for the summer
5:13pm
Jenni got chinese takeout for dinner. Yes, it had to be flown in. Mmmm, my hubby loves me!

14 Weeks

I think I've kindof gotten myself into a tri-weekly update thing, which works for me...not so often that this is turning into a pregnancy blog, but often enough to decently update the people who want to hear about this stuff.

Welcome to trimester two! Your beautiful baby is covered in downy hair known as lanugo and really starting to move around. It may still be a while before you'll be feeling it, but they're in full motion anyway. At about 4 inches & 2.5 oz, their little body and limber limbs are coordinated enough for loads of complicated motions. In fact, their whole body is moving right now! You're probably not feeling it because their current size is still a bit too small to make an impact you'd recognize. Still, their movements are recognizable on an ultrasound. [At this stage I had an ultrasound with Bear where I was able to clearly see that he had the hiccups...one of the funniest things I've ever seen!] Your baby's heart is pumping about 25 quarts of blood a day! He or she is also starting to develop the ability to move their eyes this week, although the eyelids still remain fused shut. What's more, they can make all sorts of fun facial expressions as they practice squinting, frowning, and grimacing. Cute development of the week: their little hands can grasp at things and they may already be sucking their thumb!

So, 14 weeks...this is a big deal, as it's the gestational period at which I had my first (and latest) miscarriage. Passing this date is a sigh of relief for me.
(Holding my tiny baby in my hand was as amazing as it was heartwrenching...yes, he looked almost exactly like the picture there. To give you a sense of scale, he fit in the palm of my hand, both his hands and both his feet could all fit on my thumbnail.)
I'm officially into the second trimester (most people count that at 13 wks actually), I'm pretty much over my morning sickness (YAY!), my belly bump looks more like a baby and less like too-many-twinkies, depending on the pregnancy this is about when one starts feeling movement (I'm pretty sure I've felt a few little bops already)...yeah, it's a nice place to be.


(yes, this is at sortof an odd angle...Hubby was sitting in the chair and I guess he was comfy so he didn't get up. I should have had him move to the other side of the room though so we could get one from a comparable angle to the last one! Anyway, I've hit that milestone of belly-sticks-out-further-than-bustline...yep, I look pregnant!)

Why "Extended" Breastfeeding?

Extended Breastfeeding: breastfeeding a child beyond 12 months after birth.


Recently a friend from college found out that I'm weaning Bear at 27 months, and she said "wow, you're more dedicated than I am. I'll go to 12 months but then I am DONE!" Now I don't think she's a bad parent, but her particular choice of words got me thinking. Dedicated? Um, if I wasn't willing to be dedicated to my children, then why would I have them? Seriously, if you want a pet, get a dog or a cat. If you want a child, you'd better plan on being dedicated. Is that such a strange notion?!

But that's not really the point of this post. The point of this post is that nursing beyond 12 months is not about dedication, it's about practicality, simplicity, and health for both me and the baby. Consider these facts:

• Human milk is the perfect food for little humans--as much so on the day after their first birthday as it was on the day before it. (In regards to physical maturation, what is a birthday but an arbitrary date anyway?!)
  
• For every year that a woman breastfeeds, she lowers her own risk of breast cancer.
• For as long as a child breastfeeds, they get the benefits of mom's immune system. Considering that kids are at the peak of their exploratory phase (and still putting everything in their mouths) at age 1, it seems logical to continue giving them that extra protection through that stage.
• Nursing provides a great way to re-connect with a toddler who is in that busybody exploratory stage...they may be walking and running, but they are still not very old, and every mother I have talked to agrees that their nursing toddlers benefit from continuing that special one-on-one mommy time.
  
• Nothing calms a tantrum like nursing.
• Many mothers find the nursing time a calming break in their daily routine.
  
• Many 1 year olds do not have many teeth yet, or are not interested in many solid foods, but continued nursing ensures that their nutrition does not suffer. (Bear had only one molar at that age--so obviously he couldn't chew much, and could only eat limited foods--knowing that he could still get all the nutrients he needed from me was a great comfort.)
• Nursing longer means that you can wait longer to introduce common allergins (like cow milk). The longer you wait, the less likely the child is to have a severe response to those foods.
  
• Breastfeeding is really really convenient for traveling with a toddler (especially one who still has a limited diet). No matter where you are, you can bust out a breast--no need to pack snacks, worry about dehydration, or stress about whether appropriate foods will be available for your child.
  
• When they do get sick, and won't eat anything, the average toddler will still nurse--so they can continue to get the nutrition (and immunilogical boost) that they need.
• Primary brain myelination is not complete until age 2 (myelin is a sheath of fat that covers the neurons, allowing them to move faster--something like greasing them. The high fat content of mother's milk (which greatly exceeds even 'whole' cow's milk) contributes greatly to this process. Incomplete or improper myelination = slower brain function. In other words, nursing longer may make your kids smarter (actually, research suggests that it does).
  
• Breastfeeding on demand (ie, when the child wants it, rather than on a schedule) usually causes lactational amenorrhea, or the lack of ovulation, for an average of 14 months. Depending on your child spacing plans, this can be a very convenient form of birth control. (Please note that 14 months is an average; I was infertile for 20 months, but I've had friends who were fertile again in under 6.)
  
• The worldwide average age for weaning is around 4. I happen to feel comfortable with weaning anytime after 2, but I know many mothers (yes, in the USA) who are nursing their toddlers until 3 or 4. It may not be something that is seen very often in public, but that doesn't mean it's a bad idea.
• (if you have others please comment and I'll add them, this is just what came to me off the top of my head!)
  

Obviously not every mother can nurse beyond a year. Some struggle with supply issues, some have health problems. And some mothers, for whatever reason, struggle emotionally with continuing to breastfeed. As I have said before (and will continue to say!) a healthy relationship means that it is working for both parties involved. If mom is resenting nursing, then it's not a healthy relationship...I would encourage her to consider why she is resenting it, as well as whether her child still seems to really need it, and whether there might be alternatives (ie, will it be detrimental to the child to wean? Is she just tired of nursing, or is it affecting her health or sleep patterns? Would cutting back/night weaning solve the issue?). Personally, I think mom should do her best to stick it out, no matter the challenges, until the child is 12 months. Ideally, I think children should be nursed until 24 months, and longer if mother and child desire it...but like I said, each mother needs to make her own decision. I just wanted to share my reasons for choosing extended breastfeeding...which, by the way, I don't think is very extended at all...I wish nursing till 2 were a whole lot more normal.


And because I know it's bound to come up, yes, there are potential cons to extended breastfeeding. Toddlers don't like to let mommy be discreet. Toddlers may prefer nursing over table food and refuse to eat many solids. Obviously things can become complicated if mother becomes pregnant and/or is tandem nursing a toddler and a newborn. I thought about a lot of these things when making my decision about how to proceed with Bear. The simple truth is that I feel that the pros far outweigh the cons, at least with nursing until 2. Now that he is past 2, I think the scales have shifted a bit, and given the other circumstances, weaning feels like the right choice. As I said before though, it would take some pretty extenuating circumstances to make me consider weaning before 18-24 months.

Keeper of the Home

My mother taught me (by word and example) that anything worth doing is worth doing right. You can be whatever you choose to be in life, she would tell us, but "whatever you are, be good at it." When creating something, "make it handmade, not homemade" (meaning make it better than the standard, not inferior). It was not until college that I started realizing just how rare my upbringing had been:
I could cook--and not just simple things, but foods that people actually wanted to eat.
I could make bread, or crepes, or beef stew or brownies--all from scratch.
I could sew--not just pillows or baby blankets--but clothing that even led people to say "oh, you made that?!"
I knew how to mend.
I knew how to do laundry without shrinking anything or dying anything pink.
I knew how to get stains out of clothing and off of tile.
I knew how to prioritize my day, work before play, and get everything done.
I knew how to change a baby's diaper--even a cloth one with pins.
I knew how to stay calm when the baby was not calm, and how to rock him and walk with him for as long as it took.

I was reminded of all these things this week when Hubby came up behind me as I was doing dishes, and commented that he is very lucky, because I am not just content to cook meals for the family, but I take the time to learn to cook them really well, and to learn new recipes. My initial thought was, Really? Is that so rare? Of course I'm always trying to learn more and be better at what I do. This is my life, how could I be content with mediocrity?
Then I realized that this is due in great part to my mother, for teaching me that whatever I am going to be, I should be a good one. I have chosen to be a wife, a mother, and the keeper of a home...so I strive to do these things well. Of course I'm not perfect, I have days--even weeks--when I feel that I'm not very good at what I do. BUT, in the bigger picture, I do not accept mediocrity from myself. Ever. I am always reading books on parenting or marriage, trying out new recipes, or coming up with new schedules and goals for myself.

It's not about being a perfectionist, not really. It's about magnifying the life calling that I have, and always trying a little harder to be a little better.

So thank you Mom (and her Mom),
for teaching your daughters to be keepers at home,
for being an awesome example of how to be one,
and for teaching me how to never stop improving at it.