A Little Advice on Valentines Day

Just the other day Hubby and I were talking about this, and he commented what a helpful thing it is in our marriage, so I thought I would share it with you. At my bridal shower I was given a CD set that had a series (I think 4) speeches directed to young couples. I cannot remember the speaker's name, and a lot of his advice was stuff I've heard elsewhere--talking about different love language styles and that sort of thing. But somewhere in there he made a recommendation that we took to heart. It's very simple, but very far-reaching:

Always take each other's words at face value.

That's it.
No subtext, no need to try to interpret what the other person meant, just always take each other's words at face value.
So, for example, if my husband asks me a question "would you like to go to a movie tonight?" or "is it cool if I go out with my friends tonight?" or "are ya feelin frisky?!" then I could answer "yes!" or I could answer "[sigh] yeah, [sniff] sure" and the answer is the same. If I said yes, then he can take it as yes, and it doesn't matter how I said it. AND, if he wants to go out with his friends, and I say sure, then he can go out and not feel guilty. If I don't want him to go, I'd better actually say that I am tired and don't feel up to taking care of the kids alone tonight and could he go another night, or at least help with bedtime and then go later.
Alternately, if I don't say something, then he can't be expected to know what I was thinking. None of this silliness with dropping hints or expecting him to know what I want. I can make his favorite dinner and wear his favorite color and get the kids to bed early, but unless I actually say "hey baby, I'm feelin frisky tonight" then I can't take it personally if he settles in with his book. And I can comment about being tired and sore but unless I actually say "would you give me a backrub?" then he can't be expected to do so. Sure, he might offer, but I can't get upset if he doesn't, because I never asked.

The speaker in those original CDs told a story of a man who would sit at the dinner table and stare at the mashed potatoes, but never ask for them. He wanted someone to pass them, but he would not ask "because it means more if I don't have to ask." [Yes, take a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor...and then ask yourself when was the last time you expected your partner to know what you wanted without specifically saying so? Not so different is it?!]

Now I am inclined to be a pretty honest person anyway, so this has never been hard for me. I don't think it's really been hard for Hubby either. The thing is, because we have a formal agreement about it, neither one of us ever has to waste time trying to figure out what the other meant, or wondering if there was some subtext that we missed. There is no manipulation (and whether we mean to or not, a lot of us manipulate our family members to some degree). There is no guilt. Sometimes there is frustration when I realize that I really should have given him a different answer, BUT I don't get upset with him because he trusted what I said, and that is entirely fair. I just make a mental note to respond more accurately next time. ☺

Obviously for this to work you both have to agree to it, but I would hope that any married couple would be able to handle making a goal together. ☺ I honestly believe that this decision of ours is one of the things that is going to carry us through the hard times in the coming decades. ♥

Sure, we still joke around with each other, and we're sarcastic from time to time--but when we're actually trying to communicate with each other, we say what we mean without subtext or needing to interpret hidden meanings. It's very liberating. I highly recommend it.

Motherhood Part I--Why Kids Can't Wait

No more sacred word exists in secular or holy writ than that of mother. There is no more noble work than that of a good and God-fearing mother.
~Ezra Taft Benson

I have been thinking about this post for some time, and I have a lot to say, so I'm dividing it into several posts:
Part I (this post)--the importance of being a mother--ie, not delaying childbearing
Part II--why mother should be in the home rather than working outside of it
Part III--thoughts on family planning and full quivers
Part IV--for those who cannot have kids (due to singleness or infertility)

I would like to begin with a list of links to talks given by prophets, apostles, and other church leaders about woman's divine role in God's Plan. I quote from them liberally here, boldfacing phrases that I find particularly significant, and occasionally adding commentary of my own. All italicized/indented parts are quotes.

• Ezra Taft Benson "To the Mothers in Zion"
• Ezra Taft Benson "The Honored Place of Woman"
• Spencer W Kimball "Beginning Life Together" (counsel to an engaged couple)
• Gordon Be Hinckley "To the Women of the Church"
  
• "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"
• Sheri L Dew "We Are Women of God"
  
• Neal A Maxwell "The Women of God"
  
• Julie B Beck "Mothers Who Know"
  
• Julie B Beck "Standing Strong and Immovable"

The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. [link]

Does it get any more clear than that?!

Young mothers and fathers, with all my heart I counsel you not to postpone having your children, being co-creators with our Father in heaven.
Do not use the reasoning of the world, such as, "We'll wait until we can better afford having children, until we are more secure, until John has completed his education, until he has a better paying job, until we have a larger home, until we've obtained a few of the material conveniences," and on and on. This is the reasoning of the world and is not pleasing in the sight of God. Mothers who enjoy good health, have your children and have them early. And, husbands, always be considerate of your wives in the bearing children.
Yes, blessed is the husband and wife who have a family of children. The deepest joys and blessings in life are associated with family, parenthood, and sacrifice. To have those sweet spirits come into the home is worth practically any sacrifice. ~ETBenson [link]

I just want to say that, as someone who assumed that children would come quickly and easily, I have had a rude awakening. If you want children 'someday' I would encourage you to pray about making that day today. You may think that you can plan children when you want them, but there is a good chance that it will be more complicated than you think. It may take you months or years to get pregnant, even if you are aware of your fertile times and 'doing everything right.' You may get pregnant easily but then miscarry. You may miscarry several times. You may not be able to conceive at all. If you are unable to have biological children, the adoption process can take years. Once you do have a child, you may find you are fertile again within weeks, or you may be like me: not ovulating again for nearly two years. And so I say again, you cannot really plan your children, which I think is all the more reason to be willing to welcome them now rather than later...because you just never know how long it will take or what will be involved.

Women find true happiness when they understand and delight in their unique role within the plan of salvation. The things women can and should do very best are championed and taught without apology here. We believe in the formation of eternal families. That means we believe in getting married. We know that the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. That means we believe in having children. We have faith that with the Lord’s help we can be successful in rearing and teaching children. These are vital responsibilities in the plan of happiness, and when women embrace those roles with all their hearts, they are happy! Knowing and defending the truth about families is the privilege of every sister in this Church.
Because families are eternal, we cannot afford to be casual or complacent about those relationships. Much of the great work of this society in the past has been centered in helping Latter-day Saint women strengthen families, with emphasis on improving our nurturing skills—homemaking skills, parenting skills, and marriage skills. Families mean work, but they are our great work—and we are not afraid of work. This is what we do best; no one does families better than the sisters of this Relief Society. ~JBBeck [link]

As President McKay said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home," and so I would add that no other success can compete with the fulfillment of parenthood. You cannot fully understand until you have children--maturity does not come with age, it comes with parenthood. Hubby and I have had several discussions with childless friends, and regardless of their age, we observe in them a twinge of selfish immaturity...I think it is because they have never engaged in the full selflessness required for parenthood. It IS a big job, it IS overwhelming--often so--but it is so worth it!

Mothers who know desire to bear children. Whereas in many cultures in the world children are “becoming less valued,” in the culture of the gospel we still believe in having children. Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that “God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force.” President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that “in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels.” Faithful daughters of God desire children.
In the scriptures we read of Eve, Sarah, Rebekah, and Mary, who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child, the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection. Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood. ~JBBeck [link]

If we insist on spending all our time and resources building up [a] worldly kingdom, that is exactly what we will inherit.
~Spencer W Kimball

Prophets have admonished us to forsake the world and turn our hearts to Jesus Christ, who promised us, “In this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full” (D&C 101:36; emphasis added). Said President Spencer W. Kimball, “If we insist on spending all our time and resources building up … a worldly kingdom, that is exactly what we will inherit” (“The False Gods We Worship,” Ensign, June 1976, 6). How often are we so focused on pursuing the so-called good life that we lose sight of eternal life? It is the fatal spiritual equivalent of selling our birthright for a mess of pottage.
As sisters in Zion we can be obstacles to the adversary’s conspiracy against families and virtue. No wonder he tempts us to settle for earthly pleasures rather than to seek for eternal glory.~SLDew [link]

It is precisely because the daughters of Zion are so uncommon that the adversary will not leave them alone.
We salute you, sisters...[you], more quickly than others, will understand the possible dangers when the word 'self' is militantly placed before other words like 'fulfillment.' You rock a sobbing child without wondering if today’s world is passing you by, because you know you hold tomorrow tightly in your arms.
So often our sisters comfort others when their own needs are greater than those being comforted. That quality is like the generosity of Jesus on the cross. Empathy during agony is a portion of divinity! I thank the Father that His Only Begotten Son did not say in defiant protest at Calvary, “My body is my own!” I stand in admiration of women today who resist the fashion of abortion, by refusing to make the sacred womb a tomb! When the real history of mankind is fully disclosed, will it feature the echoes of gunfire or the shaping sound of lullabies? The great armistices made by military men or the peacemaking of women in homes and in neighborhoods? Will what happened in cradles and kitchens prove to be more controlling than what happened in congresses? When the surf of the centuries has made the great pyramids so much sand, the everlasting family will still be standing, because it is a celestial institution, formed outside telestial time. The women of God know this. ~NAMaxwell [link]

Before the world was created, in heavenly councils the pattern and role of women were prescribed. You were elected by God to be wives and mothers in Zion. Exaltation in the celestial kingdom is predicated on faithfulness to that calling.
Since the beginning, a woman’s first and most important role has been ushering into mortality spirit sons and daughters of our Father in Heaven.
I recognize there are voices in our midst which would attempt to convince you that these truths are not applicable to our present-day conditions. If you listen and heed, you will be lured away from your principal obligations. Beguiling voices in the world cry out for “alternative life-styles” for women. They maintain that some women are better suited for careers than for marriage and motherhood. These individuals spread their discontent by the propaganda...
I am aware that many of you often find yourselves in circumstances that are not always ideal... I recognize that not all women in the Church will have an opportunity for marriage and motherhood in mortality. But if you in this situation are worthy and endure faithfully, you can be assured of all blessings from a kind and loving Heavenly Father—and I emphasize all blessings.
Solutions for you who are in a minority are not the same as for the majority of women in the Church who can and should be fulfilling their roles as wives and mothers... Too often, I fear, even women in the Church use the world as their standard for success and basis for self-worth. ~ETBenson [link]

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I just want to add a little note here in response to a couple of comments...
It is true that not everyone should have babies immediately after getting married (and neither I nor the church condones having babies outside of marriage). For some couples it might be appropriate to wait a little while because health or emotional issues or whatever need to be resolved before they can be good parents. This is why I said that people should "pray about making that day today" and to "be willing to welcome [children] now."
We are not put here just to be baby makin machines ☺ but we should be willing to have children on God's schedule--whatever that may be--rather than trying to call all the shots ourselves.
I confess that (having heard/read these kinds of quotes) I was pretty judgmental in my teens when I saw girls just a few years older than myself get married and then wait 2 or 3 or 5 years before having kids. Then I got married and in spite of our best efforts I did not have a baby for over 3 years--I learned that what people see on the outside is rarely a good indication of what is really going on, and yes, I learned to not be so judgmental. ☺

Tiny Talk Tuesday

So, as my regular readers know, I use cloth menstrual pads. I make them with scraps of fabric left from other projects. I happen to have one that has the same print as my son’s flannel blanket. Bear recognized the fabric when he saw me take the pad out of the cupboard last week, and he said “my blankie!” and tried to grab it. I said no, your blanket is in your bed; this is mommy’s. He said “mommy blankie?” Um, well, sure. Close enough for a 2 year old, right?
But kids remember more than you might think. A couple of days later, he saw me getting a different pad (different fabric), and got all excited and said “Mommy blankie!!”

-----------------------------------------------------

I refer to my kids as Wolf and Bear because those are nicknames we actually do use...Bear is only 2, but "bear" is his middle name... Wolf (age 8) identifies with the wolf as a sort of totem...
Well, this morning we went to wake Wolf for school, and discovered that he had slept naked (he had jammies on when I tucked him in last night!) He explained that it was a full moon, and he was hoping that he might turn into a wolf overnight, so he had taken off his clothes just in case. ☺

For more kids saying amusing things, check out NotBefore7's Tiny Talk Tuesday (click the button)

Types of Miscarriages & What to Expect if You're Miscarrying

It wasn’t until I sat down to write my “index” post for miscarriage that I realized that I should write this post. There are things I’ve learned that I wish I had known from the beginning, and that I want to share.

A note before I begin: the medical establishment refers to a miscarriage as an “abortion” and while the term means “ending” and is therefore accurate, it also carries other connotations which are painful for a mother who wanted to keep her baby, so I stick with the term “miscarriage.”

There are four kinds of miscarriage: spontaneous, threatened, incomplete, and missed. Here is what they mean:
Spontaneous miscarriage means that the baby has died, and the mother has begun to cramp, bleed, and expel the contents of her uterus (fetus, placenta, etc).
Threatened miscarriage means that the mother has begun to cramp and/or bleed, but the baby is still alive (verified via heartbeat or ultrasound). In these cases efforts are made to stop the miscarriage and save the baby—often bedrest or anti-labor medications are prescribed. If the same events happened after 20 weeks gestation, it would be called pre-term labor rather than a threatened miscarriage. The difference is that in the first half of pregnancy there is no way to save the baby if it comes out...in the second half of pregnancy (at least after 25 weeks) the baby has a fighting chance.
Incomplete miscarriage means just what it sounds like--the mother began to miscarry, but not everything came out. This is commonly diagnosed if she bleeds heavily for more than a few days, and can lead to anemia and other problems due to the severe and prolonged blood loss. A D&C is usually prescribed in these cases.
Missed miscarriage means that the baby has died (usually diagnosed via ultrasound when no heartbeat can be found via doppler), but that the mother have not yet actually lost the baby. In other words, her body is trying to stay pregnant, even though there is no longer a living fetus to support. In most missed miscarriages, once the mother finds out that her baby has died, she will begin to bleed within a matter of days—it’s an amazing proof of the power that the mind has over the body.

Now that you know what they mean, you should know what your options are.

With a spontaneous miscarriage, you typically don't need to worry unless you are in a lot of pain, or have excessive bleeding. You do not need to see a doctor or midwife unless you want to, although if you have begun seeing one then I'd recommend letting him/her know what is happening. Just take it easy (remember that your body is laboring and birthing, albeit in the wrong trimester, and that you cannot and should not try to carry on as normal during this time). Eat iron-rich foods to prevent anemia, drink lots of water to stay hydrated, and take a painkiller if you need or want one. There are a number of herbs that are recommended for helping with miscarriage, but that is another post.
If your bleeding is excessive or prolonged, or you may choose a D&C--I'll explain more about those in a minute.

With an incomplete miscarriage, there is usually a bit of placenta or something like that being retained inside the uterus. It prolongs the bleeding and can lead to hemmorage, anemia, or other complications if you don't get everything out. You should definitely see your doctor or midwife about this. You may be prescribed a medication which will cause your uterus to contract and hopefully get everything to move on out. Depending on the type and strength of the medication, your doctor may wish you to do this under supervision. Alternately, you may have a D&C. An incomplete miscarriage is the one time when I think a D&C is thoroughly warrented.

A D&C, or Dilation & Curettage, is which is where an OB will medically induce dilation of the cervix, and essentially vacuum everything out with a little tube. It is usually carried out with sedation or mild anesthesia--I had mine done under 'conscious sedation' and my mother had one done with just a spinal (ie, she was awake). A D&C is often followed with a little cramping and spotting, but in my experiences at least the after-effects were milder than an average period. Your OB will probably prescribe a painkiller and an antibiotic--I never needed the painkiller personally.

In the case of a missed miscarriage, you have two choices: have a D&C, or wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally. Most women seem to choose the D&C, but I personally advise against it, and here is why. While a D&C may feel easier on your body than days of bleeding, and may seem easier emotionally than having to see the products of your pregnancy, there are some things to consider.
Why I Don't Like Unnecessary D&Cs

1. Seeing the blood (and yes, possibly a tiny fetus) is hard. Trust me it's really hard. In my own experience though, having a tiny someone to say goodbye to is better than having nothing at all.
2. The forced dilation of the cervix can weaken it. If you have 2 or more D&Cs you will be at an increased risk for incompetent cervix, miscarriage, or preterm labor for future pregnancies. Your doctor most likely will not tell you this until you are in that subsequent pregnancy and he/she looks at your history and announces that you are high risk!
3. There is potential for injury during the D&C (cutting or puncturing the uterine wall for example).
   
4. Sometimes a missed miscarriage is mis-diagnosed. In other words, sometimes they miss seeing the baby, or the heartbeat...sometimes they tell you that the baby has died or that there is no baby and they are wrong. Sometimes there is a baby and it is just fine. Sometimes there were twins and only one has died. A D&C is what they call it if you wanted the baby, but if you didn't want the baby they'd have called it a 'suction abortion.' It's the same thing--and no, a living baby won't survive it. So again, I recommend waiting and letting nature take its course, because even the most advanced medical practitioners can make mistakes sometimes. (If you'd like to read a whole bunch of stories, visit The Misdiagnosed Miscarriage.)

Finally, a threatened miscarriage. With a threatened miscarriage your baby is still alive! This is key! Sometimes miscarriage is inevitable, but sometimes it is not! There is not really any way to know which way it will go, so (in my opinion) you have to move forward with the assumption that the baby can be saved. Personally, I would call my care provider. As I mentioned above, you may be prescribed labor-stopping drugs and/or bedrest. Bedrest is hotly debated: some people feel it doesn't make a difference, yet doctors continue to prescribe it. My own thought is that it might help, and it certainly won't hurt, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to keep my baby. There are a couple of herbs which are considered to be 'smart' about miscarriage--they help things either stay in (if they should) or clear out (if they should). I don't really understand how they work, but midwives and herbalists have been prescribing them for miscarraiges and threatened miscarriages for centuries. More about those in the herb post.

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Please, if you have questions about any of this, please leave a comment and I will try to get you answers. I learned all of this "in the trenches" so to speak, and wished I had known so much of it beforehand. We cannot be afraid to talk about these things--women deserve to know what their options are so that they can make the decicions that are right for them!

Ten Ways for Mother to Spend Effective Time With Your Children

Quoted directly from Ezra Taft Benson's "To the Mothers in Zion"

First, take time to always be at the crossroads [ie, in the home] when your children are either coming or going--when they leave and return from school--when they leave and return from dates--when they bring friends home. Be there at the crossroads whether your children are six or sixteen. In Proverbs we read: "A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame" (Proverbs 29:15). Among the greatest concerns in our society are the millions of latchkey children who come home daily to empty houses unsupervised by working parents.

Second, mothers, take time to be a real friend to your children. Listen to your children, really listen. Talk with them, laugh and joke with them, sing with them, play with them, cry with them, hug them, honestly praise them. Yes, regularly spend unrushed one-on-one time with each child. Be a real friend to your children.

Third, mothers, take time to read to your children. Starting from the cradle, read to your sons and daughters. Remember what the poet said, "You may have tangible wealth untold; Caskets of jewels and coffers of gold. Richer than I you can never be--I had a mother who read to me" (Strickland Gillilan, "The Reading Mother"). You will plant a love for good literature and a real love for the scriptures if you will read to your children regularly.


Fourth, take time to pray with your children. Family prayers, under the direction of the father, should be held morning and night. Have your children feel of your faith as you call down the blessings of heaven upon them. Paraphrasing the word of James: "The . . . fervent prayer of a righteous [mother ] availeth much" (James 5: 16 ). Have your children participate in family and personal prayers and rejoice in their sweet utterances to their Father in Heaven.



Fifth, take time to have a meaningful weekly home evening. With your husband presiding, participate in a spiritual and an uplifting home evening each week. Have your children actively involved. Teach them correct principles. Make this one of your great family traditions. Remember the marvelous promise made by President Joseph F. Smith when home evenings were first introduced to the Church: "If the Saints obey this counsel, we promise that great blessings will result. Love at home and obedience to parents will increase. Faith will be developed in the hearts of the youth of Israel, and they will gain power to combat the evil influences and temptations which beset them." This wonderful promise is still in effect today.

Sixth, take time to be together at mealtimes as often as possible. This is a challenge as the children get older and lives get busier. But happy conversation, sharing of the day's plans and activities, and special teaching moments occur at mealtime because mothers and fathers and children work at it.


Seventh, take time daily to read the scriptures together as a family. Individual scripture reading is important, but family scripture reading is vital. Reading the Book of Mormon together as a family will especially bring increased spirituality into your home and will give both parents and children the power to resist temptation and to have the Holy Ghost as their constant companion. I promise you that the Book of Mormon will change the lives of your family.

Eighth, take time to do things together as a family. Make family outings and picnics and birthday celebrations and trips special times and memory builders. Whenever possible, attend as a family, events where one of the family members is involved, such as a school play, a ball game, a talk, a recital. Attend Church meetings together and sit together as a family when you can. Mothers who help families pray and play together will stay together and will bless children's lives forever.

Ninth, mothers, take time to teach your children. Catch the teaching moments. This can be done anytime during the day--at mealtime, in casual settings, or at special sit-down times together, at the foot of the bed at the end of the day, or during an early morning walk together. Mothers, you are your children's best teacher. Don't shift this precious responsibility to day-care centers or babysitters. A mother's love and prayerful concern for her children are her most important ingredients in teaching her own.
Teach children gospel principles. Teach them it pays to be good. Teach them there is no safety in sin. Teach them a love for the gospel of Jesus Christ and a testimony of its divinity. Teach your sons and daughters modesty and teach them to respect manhood and womanhood. Teach your children sexual purity, proper dating standards, temple marriage, missionary service, and the importance of accepting and magnifying Church callings.
Teach them a love for work and the value of a good education. Teach them the importance of the right kind of entertainment, including appropriate movies, and videos, and music, and books, and magazines. Discuss the evils of pornography and drugs and teach them the value of living the clean life.
Yes, mothers, teach your children the gospel in your own home, at your own fireside. This is the most effective teaching that your children will ever receive. This is the Lord's way of teaching. The Church cannot teach like you can. The school cannot. The day-care center cannot. But you can, and the Lord will sustain you. Your children will remember your teachings forever, and when they are old, they will not depart from them. They will call you blessed--their truly angel mother. Mothers, this kind of heavenly, motherly teaching takes time--lots of time. It cannot be done effectively part time. It must be done all the time in order to save and exalt your children. This is your divine calling.

Tenth and finally, mothers, take the time to truly love your children. A mother's unqualified love approaches Christlike love.

Thankful Thursday

This week I particularly needed to remind myself of the things I am thankful for.

Long-distance telephone and phone cards
Orange juice
Bacon
Homemade yogurt
Homemade fudgy wudgy brownies
A little boy who loves to help
A bigger boy who loves to help with his little brother
That I can sew, that I enjoy it, and that I’m even able to bring in a little money doing something I love
That we got paid this week
That we have our taxes done and will have our refund soon (and that it’s bigger than I expected!)
That Bear hasn’t really nursed at night in a week!
Finally, I am thankful for cloth pads. They are so much more comfortable than disposables…it was a miscarriage that spurred me to make the switch in the first place, but this is the first time I’ve actually used them for one. I’m thankful that they are comfortable. I’m thankful for velour! I’m thankful that when I used them all up in one day I was able to make some new ones while I waited for the laundry—and don’t underestimate the happiness quotient associated with pretty new pads! I sew a lot of pads for other people, but it had been a looong time since I made any new ones for myself, and I’d never made myself any with velour!

A Tibetan Monk and a Himalayan Gorilla

(in the interest of needing something lighthearted this week...or at least something a little snarky...)

Every time my father saw a newborn, be it his own or someone else’s, he pronounced that it looked like “a cross between a Tibetan monk and a Himalayan gorilla.” Of course we always argued with him, saying that our newest little brother or sister was actually very attractive in his or her squished, red, hairless phase…but dad would never relent. Nope, he’d say, newborns are not cute. Within a few months we’d all forgiven him because by then he would agree that said sibling had outgrown the ugly stage and was now cute like the rest of his older kids. Unfortunately, some children do not become cute.
Every so often someone posts some pictures of her kids on her blog, or emails them out to all the family. I know I’m supposed to leave comments about how cute the kids are…but sometimes I just can’t, because some kids are not cute. There’s no other way to say it. Some kids are funny looking and some kids are plain, while a few are even downright ugly; but some kids are definitely not cute. This is only logical; after all, not all adults are cute either, so it stands to reason that those not-cute adults probably came from not-cute kids. It also stands to reason that those not-cute adults would produce additional not-cute kids.
The problem is not so much that the kids themselves are not cute; after all, more than one ugly duckling has grown into a lovely swan. No, the real problem is that, inevitably, their parents think they ARE cute. Parents, somehow, are blinded to reality when it comes to their own offspring.

In case you were wondering, none of this applies to me: MY kids are cute.
(why yes, this is what we do for entertainment in Pelican--and yes, that is our general store)

Innocence...Lost

Recently as I've been writing about my miscarriages again, it's gotten me to thinking about loss of innocence. Not in the dirty sense (geeze, what do you take me for?!), but in the sense of a specific event that was a turning point--a point at which you changed, and could never go back to who you had been before. An event that made you older in a way that the simple passage of time cannot.

For my mother it was losing her baby to SIDS. It's easy to pinpoint if you look at photographs--in that year her face aged. She began to get wrinkles. Her eyes showed that she knew something more. Her body lost it's youthful resilience. She looked more tired.
One might credit those changes to the fact that she had 4 other small children, or that she turned 30 that year, or that after a 5th pregnancy the body just doesn't bounce back so well anymore... but I can attest that it was not those things; it was the loss of innocence. I know, because my loss of innocence occurred when I was only 22; it was my first miscarriage.

What was yours?
Or are you still innocent?

Raw

Just for today I hate everyone I know who is pregnant.
And everyone who has gotten pregnant on the first month they tried, or who got pregnant without trying, or who didn’t want to get pregnant but did anyway.
Just for today I hate everyone who has ever taken conception or pregnancy or full-term birth for granted.
I hate everyone who complains about being pregnant.
Everyone who complains about their kids.
Just for today I hate everyone who has never lost a baby, because they do not--cannot--understand.
Because today I’m saying farewell to another baby of mine.




I had hoped that in the next week or so I'd be making an announcement of a different, happier, sort. It's ironic, considering all my recent posts about miscarriage (and at least one more written a while ago but scheduled to post several days hence--because I figured it was better to spread out the posts rather than have them all go up in one week and depress all my readers). But I guess life is like that sometimes.
I never got a positive pregnancy test (it’s hard to get one out here), but I was over a week late and I had lots of symptoms, not to mention that gut feeling of just knowing that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic, although I tried to curb my enthusiasm until I could see those two little lines on a test (one is en route in the mail), but I had no doubt that they would be there. We’d been hoping and trying ever since my fertility returned last fall. The timing could not have been better: our expected moving date would have been in the second trimester (post-morning sickness but pre-enormous belly), and I was due around October 1, the same timing as my first pregnancy 5 years ago. I was looking forward to a healthy and healing pregnancy. I was even starting to think about what animal pseudonym to give this baby when I announced him/her here on the blog.
I suppose the skeptics out there would suggest that I just had a funny cycle and it was a ‘late’ period rather than a pregnancy, but I have a number of reasons for disagreeing with that sentiment, and I am too hormonal and sad to take any unsympathetic comments right now. My eagerly-awaited and much-wanted baby is not mine to keep at this time, and I’m back on the emotional roller coaster of loss.
Every time I posted the story of one of my miscarriages, I wondered how it would have been different if I’d written it at the time it happened, rather than several years after the fact. Well, today I guess I know.

I know there will be other months and other chances, but I wanted this one. Saying goodbye when I’ve scarcely had time to say hello is not as hard as when I’ve had several months to love my baby, but it is still a goodbye. This week I will hug my kids a little bit extra. I will eat too much chocolate and forget to shower and quite possibly leave my hair in the same braid all week. I may spend an entire day in my pajamas…or I may knit 37 rows on Wolf’s sweater. Who knows. But the rest of the world will go on turning, and sooner or later I will have to return to it. I will be different, and the world will neither know nor care.


(and I will be scarce here until my internet gets working again...but I will be back as soon as it is, because outside my Hubby I have no support here, and I need my online friends ♥ )

Occasionally I Write Something Brilliant

This post will be updated periodically so as to reflect a current list of my best or most popular posts.

When Someone Miscarries (this gets more hits from google searches than anything else here)
(please also visit my link "concerning miscarriage" on the sidebar)

Interfering with Nature and Bringing Down Women

Life in Pelican, Alaska (my lifestyle in a town with 70 people, no roads, and lots of grizzly bears)

Why is Modern Society so Backwards? (or, why I practice attachment parenting)

Humorous Posts (because laughing is good for you)
Chocolate Cake
Fire Insurance