Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

I've decided to share some books here on this blog. The first one I'm putting here is the one I'm reading currently for my AP Mamas book club.

“Unconditional parenting assumes that behaviors are just the outward expression of feelings and thoughts, needs and intentions. In a nutshell, it’s the child who engages in a behavior, not just the behavior itself, that matters. Children are not pets to be trained, nor are they computers, programmed to respond predictably to an input.”
In other words, the kid may not know why he does what he does, but that does not make his reasons invalid.

Did you think time out was a form of gentle discipline? I always did. After all, there’s no hitting involved; I always felt so pleased with myself when I was able to calmly, gently, take my son by the hand and lead him to the time out chair…no temper, no aggression…I was being gentle! Sure, but what is ‘time out’ time out from?? It’s time out from attention and affection—time out from LOVE. Depending on the child, that can be SO much more harsh than a spanking. I have often tried to have W help determine the consequence for a given behavior…I now understand why he was always quick to suggest a spanking, but really hated time-out. I always thought it had to do with having to sit still, but I realize now that it probably went much deeper than that. SO, I've decided to try something different...Instead of having him sit on a chair and then ignoring him for several minutes, I'm having him sit on a chair near where I'm working and then we take a few minutes to talk about the problem. I put him in the chair to help him stay focused on the conversation, but I don't withdraw anything. So far so good...we'll see how it goes in the longer run!

Kohn contends that the biggest problem with parenting in our society today is not permissiveness, but rather over-controlling...when a child is hyper-controlled, he tends to do one of two things: comply (often into learned helplessness), or defy... W is definitely in the latter category, and I can attest to the fact that additional attempts at control are NOT solving the problem...

Kohn suggests that we take a better look at our parenting strategies. After all, if the strategy is failing, isn't that an indication that the strategy is the problem, rather than the child? He gives ample scientific evidence to prove that punishment is not effective, and (via personal experience) I have to agree. It creates a 'might makes right' economy, which is certainly not something I want to teach my children. It also makes the parent-child relationship into a battlefield, and when someone wins, that means that someone else is losing...do you really want your child to be a loser all the time?!

The major shortfall of the book is that it doesn't give much in the way of advice or suggestions about ways to handle certain situations. Kohn does give some 'guiding principles' though, which are pretty good.
1--be reflective consider what you do and why. Realize what things and people have influanced you to parent the way you do, and then be willing to change if you should
2--reconsider your requests why are you telling the child to do this or that? Do they really need to, or are there alternatives?
3--keep your eye on long-term goals what kind of person do you want your child to grow up to be? Are you fostering those traits now?
4--put the relationship first make sure the kids always know they are loved
5--change how you see, not just how you act view things as problems to be solved (together) rather than as infractions of law
6--RESPECT teach by example--respect your kids: their needs, desires, and opinions.
7-be authentic kids can see right through you if you don't mean what you say and do
8--talk less, ask more
9--keep their ages in mind
10--"Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts"
11--don't stick your no's in unnecessarily the more they hear it, the less they will listen to it...save 'no' for when it's really important
12--don't be rigid foolish consistency is the halmark of ineffective parenting...don't hold onto a rule for stubborness' sake...make occasional exceptions or change rules as is practical
13--don't be in a hurry take the time to be together, and just enjoy your kids--they grow up fast!

A final suggestion: rather than criticising the child's action (because they will feel like you are criticising them) try to help them understand the effects of their action--other's feelings, objects damaged, etc. This helps them understand WHY the action was a problem, rather than just hearing 'no no no' and they are more likely to internalize it, and more likely to care. After all, you don't really want your children to be good because they are afraid of retribution if they are bad--you want them to be good because it's the right thing to do.


Now, I do not think this book is the be all and end all of good parenting advice...BUT, I do think there are some good, thought-provoking ideas here. It's certainly given me some things to mull over.

A Little One Sided

Here's how I feel today...strangely, it wasn't from the night, it is just that S has decided to nurse for longer than he used to at a feeding, and I'm too lazy to make him switch sides... growth spurt anyone?!

NIPping--Got Momma Milk?!

NIP. Nursing in Public. S and I love doing this! I am discreet, but I don't hide the fact of what we are doing, neither do I put a blanket over my baby or my shoulder. Sometimes we get funny looks, but never a dirty look, and never a "would you please go somewhere else"...I guess the publicity of the nurse-ins at The View in NYC and in Delta airport terminals and Victoria Secrets across the country has brought to the public eye the fact that nursing in public is 100% legal. If you don't know about the nurse-ins, here is a video
Did you know that, here in Utah, nursing mothers are excused from the public lewdness law if they happen to show their nipple while feeding their baby?! Not that nipple displaying is a goal of mine, but I think it's a very sensible law.
I think I'm becoming something of a radical! I actually relish the chance to nurse my little one in public places! Let the world see how normal and appropriate it is for mothers to feed their babies! Thus far, we have nursed in Walmart, Borders Bookstore, a couple of restaurants, the WIC office (of course they were supportive), Motherhood Maternity (they were too), an auto shop (while getting the oil changed), in the middle of the mall (with a friend--we both NIPped!), in my in-laws house, and on the front row at church. :-)

I want to go be in a nurse-in and hold up one of those big signs that says "Breasts are for Breastfeeding!" I also love that the women in the video are not just nursing tiny infants--they are nursing their toddlers too. After all, momma milk doesn't become any less healthy once the baby passes 6 months or 12 months or 2 years! If mom and baby are both in favor, well then go for it!

(I also love all the babywearing in the video. :-) Now I want to go make another sling and an ABC! :-) )

What They DON'T Tell You About Losing Baby Weight

So, I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight...but I'm sorta squishy and stripey in the middle...I didn't use to be like that. Also my milky makers are somewhat larger than before, so if I'm the same weight, it seems that something else should be smaller, right?
One of my friends put it beautifully this week. She looked down at herself and said "I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight, but everything isn't where I left it!"

Ah well. My tiger-stripes mark me as a mommy, my hubby likes to rub my soft tummy, and my baby thinks I'm great. Who needs to look like I did before anyway, right?!

Inheritance

OK, so, people are always wondering who S looks like...(we all already know the W is daddy's "mini-me").
I was looking at S in the tub last night, and have reached some conclusions. In order to set debate to rest, here is what S got from whom...



Daddy's
deep blue eyes (mom's are greyer), big feet, two separate eyebrows (mom has a unibrow), big head, loud voice, fast-growing fingernails, dimples, and major fascination with mom.


Mommy's
high hair line, dark hair (so far!), high cheek bones and narrow jaw, receding chin, habit of talking all the time, articulate hands, and big nose.


Pretty good mix we think. :-)

2008 Presidential Solution

I don't know who started this...I heard it from a friend who heard it from her mom... but I found it amusing enough to bear repeating:

"There's no doubt history is in the making for the 2008 presidential race. We may have either the first Black president, the first Woman president or the first Mormon president. Why not kill three birds with one stone and elect Gladys Knight and call it a day?"

I wonder what Gladys would think of that idea?!

Big Brother

Wolf seems to really enjoy his new status as the big brother. He loves to kiss Bear, take baths with him, and he holds him without getting bored (if you know the whirlwind of a boy that is Wolf, that is really saying something!)

He often tries to help calm Bear when he's upset. First he tells me "Mom, I think Bear wants milk" (ie--to nurse). Then he sings "Rock-a-bye Bear-ee" in a very high-pitched and strained voice. (The crying baby makes him uptight, and he hasn't learned how to keep a calm voice through it.) Then he talks to him in a sing-songy way: "it's ok Bear, I'm right here. I'm big brother! It's ok..."
(None of these efforts ever seem to help, but it's cute to see him try!)

Now, amid the frequent repetition of the phrase "I'm Big Brother!" daddy has taught Wolf to say something new to Bear...daddy just read a classic Orwell novel you see...so now Wolf says "it's ok Bear, Big Brother is watching you!!!"

Oh my poor dear kids, there is no hope for normalcy, is there.
Hmmmm.
Thank Heaven!

Aren't Cloth Diapers Cute?!

Aren't cloth diapers just cute? OK, so the baby was a little miffed at being undressed and cold...but soooo cute!

It's just one more reason to love them!

Pictures of the wee bebe

Bear had his first professional photos today. Isn't he precious?!

Why is "Modern Society" so backwards?!

It's strange how our western culture has complicated child raising...People have been having and raising babies for centuries, and it never used to be this complicated. In fact, bringing up babies was part of every day life. There was no need for birth control to try to time babies, because they were not a hassle...caring for babies was just another thing one did, like making dinner or sleeping at night.

First they decided we must put diapers on our children, thus causing the poo to get everywhere on the baby's bottom, and requiring lots of cleanup...if you hold the baby over a toilet (or some dirt) then one quick swipe with a cloth (if that) and they are clean and ready to go play again. Diaper rash was unknown before diapers.

Next they decided that babies must sleep in their own beds, maybe in their own rooms, and shouldn't drink their own mother's milk... I truly pity the mothers who try to do this! When my infant wakes up, I attach him to a nipple, and go back to sleep. Rarely does he keep me awake for more than a few minutes. I don't have to sit up very often, and I have never had to get out of bed for him, let alone go to other parts of the house.
During the day, when he is hungry, he opens his mouth wide, and I put milk in it...so simple. No hassle with bottles and heating and getting the proper temperature...he is quickly satisfied, and I have thing simple and easy.

Now they tell us to put our babies in little buckets (aka carseat carriers) and carry them around without touching them..this makes the babies sad and fussy, and said buckets are heavy and unweildy. It's so much easier to grab a wrap or sling and just wear the baby--he can sleep contentedly against my chest and I can get my work done.
Every time I wear my baby in public I get comments--they range from "oh, he looks so comfortable in there" to "I wish I'd had one for my baby" to "where can I get one?" I've never had a negative comment about my wrap. The other day someone said "I wish they'd had those when mine was a baby" (her child is 6). I smiled and said "native tribes have been wearing wraps for centuries, it's just that the rest of us took a while to catch on." I now think of myself as a walking billboard for babywearing--most folks know a good idea when they see one, they just need a chance to see it so that they can get on board! So, babywearers of the world, get out and get seen! Don't be shy about your slings and wraps--show them off! You're bound to influance someone for the better!