Finding the Sacred in S-E-X (or, how I conquered Good Girl Syndrome and learned to be a Lover)

Today's post is very personal, and I debated with myself for a while before deciding to write about it. I finally concluded that I wished that someone had shared these things with me years ago, rather than having to slowly find them on my own. So I write today with the hope that, perhaps, someone out there will benefit from what I share.
 ~j

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I was raised as a religious youth to be good and chaste, and subsequently I ended up suffering from the all too common "Good Girl Syndrome." In other words, once I'd saved myself for my wedding night, I made the transition physically, but not mentally or emotionally. I adapted to all the other aspects of marriage quite well, but I did (and still do) turn red if my sexuality comes up in a conversation (for example, telling someone that I'm pregnant). It wasn't that I never enjoyed myself, but I had been fed so many cultural messages about sex being dirty, just physical, animalistic, and anything but spiritual, so it was hard to look at it as good, let alone holy. I still wanted to be a righteous person, and I wasn't finding much (especially from religious sources) that ever talked about sex in a positive light. So even though I knew that it was ok to have sex when you're married, there was still a part of myself that was always uncomfortable with the fact that I was sexually active. I even recall shortly after my wedding having the thought "well, there's no going back [to virginity] now, it's too late."

Now physical pleasure is a valid aspect of sex (and needn't be considered 'dirty,' I think, unless it is the only reason for the sexual relationship...which of course would not be the case in a marriage). Procreation is an important part of sex too (but, again, not the only reason for the relationship!) With that said, (at least for me) finding the spiritual side of sexual intimacy was what finally helped me move out of the 'virginal youth' mindset and into being able to be a 'lover' wife. I deeply wish that I had figured out both my problem and the solution years ago when we were first married, but it's better late than never I suppose. I finally tuned in to myself as a sexually active person, and it's remarkable how much better my life (all aspects of it) have become.

So how did I recover from my Good Girl Syndrome and find the spiritual side of sex? There were several parts, but first I should note that my husband has been supportive of me throughout this process, and that it was not his fault in the first place. He always wanted me to be able to love the physical side of marriage as he did, and tried to help me in whatever ways he could think of. But there were things going on inside me that couldn't just be loved away, and it took a while to find and fix them.

1. I had to realize what was wrong with me in the first place. It wasn't just that I was tired, or hormonal, or had low libido because of the nursing baby...it was that in some deep-seated part of my unconscious I wasn't comfortable with my own sexuality. I faced that and called it by name, and naming your demon is the first step to killing him.
2. I read The Soul of Sex and it was very helpful for me in appreciating sexuality as much larger than just the physical act. The author explored classical archetypes and discussed sexuality from a philosophical perspective that was very helpful to me. (If you didn't read my book review, click the link there and go read it. Please! That book was literally life-changing for me.)
3. I got in touch with my pagan side. A number of pagan religions (notably wicca) teach that the sexual act is the ultimate thing in the universe, the Great Rite between Goddess and God. It joins opposites into a whole that is greater than the parts, and finds resolution in the dichotomies of existence. Considering the common pagan belief that we all have aspects of gods/goddesses within us, or all have the potential to become gods/goddesses, then when we enact the Great Rite we are creating a microcosm of that holy (and vital) resolution. 

Since beginning to see both sexuality and sexual intercourse in this new (better) light, I have sought ways to keep sacredness in my sexuality. Here are a few:

• Think about things like what I mentioned above (both in and out of the bedroom): the unified whole being greater than the parts, the physical unification being a symbol for spiritual and other unity in your marriage, etc. Discuss these ideas with your spouse.
• Lighting candles. We have a few fancy ones from this etsy shop, but mostly we have cheap tealights and they work just as well. The ambiance of candlelight is not only romantic, but many

  

  photo by Alice Harold

  religious ceremonies utilize candles, and the light/fire of a candle has many spiritual connotations.
• Try a bath (you can add candles there too!) Ritual washings are part of many religions, so try washing each other before proceeding to other activities.
• Massage one another with oil (or lotion). Anointing with oils and formalized touching are found in many spiritual practices. Take the opportunity to use repetitive motions and physical touch to arouse and relax your spirits as well as your bodies.
• Anything which shuts out the world can be a way to tune into the spiritual. So, in intimate times, shut out the world, and tune into your own spirit, your spouse's spirit, and the Spirit that is over your marriage.
• If consummation is the 'magic moment' (afterwhich you are 'married' and would have to seek a 'divorce' rather than an 'annulment'), then every time you re-consummate your marriage it could be considered a way of renewing your vows. Think about that!

Being Aware; It's Not All Pink

I was a guest author over at LDS WAVE today.

October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This is a fact widely acknowledged in the media and everybody seems to get on board with everything from all-night cancer walks to facebook status games. My grandmother is one of those “1 in 8 women” who has been diagnosed with breast cancer, as are dear family friends, and I have joined those all-night walks and regularly remind my blog-readers to do their self breast exams.

However, October after October, I notice that the flood of awareness is decidedly (and almost exclusively) pink. It seems that we either overlook or are unaware of the many other “Awareness Months” going on in October.

Yes, 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. However 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage or infant loss, and 1 in 3 will be a victim of domestic violence...

click here to read the rest

"The Body Project" by Joan Jacobs Brumberg (and a challenge for my readers)

At the library, I recently stumbled across The Body Project: An Intimate History of American Girls. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I thought I vaguely remembered having heard of it, so I brought it home.
Oh wow. I absolutely recommend this to every woman, to every mother of daughters, to every teacher of girls. It should be required reading. This book is packed with history (and numerous primary sources including many diary entries). It recounts the changes that have taken place in American culture specifically during the 20th century, and the way that adolescence has changed from being a "coming of age" into being a "coming into obsession with our bodies." Even as we know more about our parts we seem to understand less about ourselves. It's something I think many of us are aware of (I've written on similar thoughts before), but the book was eye-opening for me in explaining more clearly the evolution of this change.
The following excerpt (p54-55) gives one example via menarche and menstruation (emphases added by me):

In preparing girls for menarche, we still tend to emphasize selecting a sanitary product rather than the meaning of the responsibility that menstruation implies. However, we know from the experience of generations of American women [that] being handed a pamphlet or shown a movie is not very satisfying, and that young women want meaningful exchanges about female sexuality as well as the best techniques for coping with the vagaries of menstrual blood. In a world where the female body is sexualized so early and the stakes are so high, it now seems obvious that it is not enough to teach girls how to be clean and dainty.
When contemporary American girls begin to menstruate, they think of hygiene, not fertility. That is the American way, and it is taken for granted--as if it were part of the "natural order." But the historical "disconnect" between menstruation and reproduction is actually quite modern, and it has important psychological implications for how girls think about themselves and what kind of women they become. It was strategically helpful for our grandmothers and mothers to cast menstruation as "only" a matter of hygiene, in order to offset Victorian myths about its debilitating effects. In today's world, however, that dismissiveness means something else. In fact, it sets the stage for obsessive overattention to other aspects of the changing body, such as size and shape.

I think an important realization is how pervasive this is in our culture.

Pervasive: like a virulent disease.

I mentioned this book to my best friend, and she made a revealing comment. She has recently lost almost 50lbs, and she said that since losing the weight she is even more body-conscious than she was before. I haven't seen her in some time, but I've seen recent photos and my first thought is always to comment how good she looks...how she LOOKS. Yes, she does look wonderful, but you know, she was always beautiful. She is kind and intelligent and graceful and talented and lovely, and she was my best friend before she lost the weight. She is still the same person I love, regardless of how she looks. And yet, when I see a photo, I'm ashamed to say that her newly-slender figure is the first thing I notice. What a statement about the pervasiveness of this body-image obsession, even from someone like me who is more-than-normally aloof from it.

I've been down this road myself. In my teens I had a really nice figure ("36-28-36" with blue eyes, long hair, fairly clear skin...) and yet I still found things to be self-conscious and nitpicky about. My hair was too thin, it was frizzy, and it didn't curl 'right.' My fingers were short and stubby and my nails were too. My toes were ugly. On the one hand, family members and adults told me I was beautiful, but on the other hand when I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who wasn't getting asked on any dates, so therefore I knew something was wrong with me. I wasn't entirely sure what it was, but I knew there had to be something.
For the most part, I have learned to be comfortable in my own skin...but even still I find myself finding--even searching--for things to complain about. I just measured this morning: 9 months after birthing a second baby, I am a "39-31-40" and I have returned to my pre-pregnancy weight. I'm not as thin as I was in high school or college, but I'm still slender and curvy. I still have blue eyes and long hair and clear skin. By all accounts I have nothing to complain about...and yet I still have low self-image days. The hair, the hands, the saggy breasts, the wiggly behind, the stretch-marked everything... But I am healthy! I have a spouse who thinks I am beautiful! How is this cultural distaste-for-self SO pervasive that it gets through to even the best of us?
I don't have the answers, I really don't. I wish I did. I do know that if I ever have daughters I will make every effort to build them up against the tidal wave of dissatisfaction.

I have thought of something which I'm going to try for myself, and I invite my readers to try it too. The book talked about how the obsessions with clear skin and perfect teeth and thinness became common right about the same time that scales and mirrors started being present in homes. For most of history a woman didn't know her weight or see her face unless she happened across a scale or mirror in a public place. Can you imagine how we might perceive ourselves if we weren't constantly thrown numbers and images like that?!
So this is my challenge: for 24 hours, don't step on a scale and don't look at yourself in a mirror. Tack up a pillowcase over your bathroom mirror if you need to, but don't look! Strike back at this image-obsessed culture, by being willing to be your (inner) self for a whole day, without fixating on our outer appearance. Of course you should comb your hair and otherwise care for yourself, but don't preen, don't 'fix yourself,' just take on the world as your own self.
Do you think you can do it? I sure would love to hear about it if you do.

Five Things They Left Out of Health Class

There are a few things that seem to get left out of anatomy, health, or sex ed classes. Things that I learned much later, and wished I had known much earlier. So I'm just going to put them out there...

1) The Fertility Awareness Method (FAM) is not just for avoiding/achieving pregnancy. If you have irregular periods (or even regular ones) it can help you track exactly what is going on with your body from one day to the next, and help you predict--usually with very high accuracy--what day your next menstruation will begin. You don't have to be caught off guard. Ever.

2) A woman is only fertile a few days per cycle. It's also possible to track which days those are by using FAM. With that said, your body wants to get pregnant, even if you don't. It's wired for procreation. During the few days that you are fertile your body does multiple things to encourage pregnancy, including creating natural lubricants, opening the cervix, and having higher libido. So let me repeat, you are only fertile a few days per cycle, but typically your body is trying to beat the odds anyway.

3) Breastmilk doesn't come out of just one little hole--there are several tiny holes (5-10 in fact) on each breast. So if you go to shoot milk across the room (which often happens accidentally!) it may well look something like this ------>

4) Most girls are not symmetrical in their girlie parts. Since most of us don't look at anybody elses parts we don't know this, but yes it's normal. Most girls' breasts are not a 'matched pair' either.

5) At least one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. It is almost certain that you or someone you love will miscarry. Be educated. Be sympathetic. Don't pretend it isn't there.

Femininity vs. Feminism

Once upon a time women in this country were repressed. They were not just "the gentle sex" or "the fair sex" but also "the lesser sex." They were beaten and abused and in most cultures had few if any rights. Once upon a time suffragettes marched for the right to vote. Had I been alive, I would have been there right beside Cady Stanton, Susan B Anthony, and Amelia Bloomer, demanding that women be allowed to dress as they pleased and vote in elections.Once those rights were secured, women began pushing into other things that had previously been male-only domain. They demanded easier access to education, and the right to work. They instigated legislation to punish perpetrators of domestic violence, abuse, and sexual harassment. Were these fights still being fought I would be standing there beside the fighters.

With equal rights established however, the movement called 'feminism' began to push for other things. It began to focus on cultural acceptance and approval for crudeness in language and behavior. It fought for--and won--the right to abort babies without medical reason (where are the rights of the unborn women?!) It fought to teach women that they cannot be complete or fulfilled unless they have a career outside the home, and to preach the notion that keeping a home and raising children is inferior to having a career. In other words, the feminist movement began to undermine all the things that made women unique. In the quest for 'equality' feminism has pushed so far and so fast that it has gone far beyond the mark, so that now women are fighting, not for the right to be women, but for the right to be men; or, more accurately, to be more than men. By demanding sameness across the genders, women are forfeiting the things that make us special and unique. In order for masculinity to be valuable, it must be balanced by femininity! As the movement of feminism gains strength in the world, femininity is losing the ability to be a moderating force in the world, or to create balance between masculine and feminine. This is not empowering anyone; it is stifling everyone.

I am staunchly feminine, staunchly pro-woman. Therefore, I can only conclude that in this country, and at this stage in history, I must be anti-feminism.

There are fights worth fighting, even still. Women are being held down in places like Afghanistan and what support we can give is worth the fight. Women are victims of domestic abuse in our own country, and what we can do to support and help them here is of course worth our while. However the larger 'feminism' movement in this country has lost the nobility of purpose that once guided them. They have turned toward anger and vulgarity to accomplish their goals, and their goals are no longer positive or even things worth fighting for.
If you dare, you might check out the post "I HATED The Vagina Monologues and So Should You" (disclaimer: the play--and therefore the post--have sexual content including pedophilia, rape, lesbianism and prostitution).

I conclude with a link to two inspirational blog posts:

• The truth about Women that Feminists Don't Want You to Know, posted at Ladies Against Feminism: Promoting Beautiful Womanhood. I don't agree with everything written at that site, but I find that I agree with them more often than not. Their post talks about powerful historical women, and how they did not need feminism to be who they were and accomplish what they did. I found it inspiring to review examples of powerful women who gloried in womanhood, motherhood, and homemaking.
• Returning to Motherhood: One Solution for the Economic Crisis, posted by my friend at MotherLoverGoddess. I don't agree with everything she writes either, but I think this post makes excellent points about women in the home verses women in the workplace.

Motherhood Part IV: Childless

Faithful daughters of God desire children. In the scriptures we read of Eve (see Moses 4:26), Sarah (see Genesis 17:16), Rebekah (see Genesis 24:60), and Mary (see 1 Nephi 11:13–20), who were foreordained to be mothers before children were born to them. Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child (see 1 Samuel 1:11), the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection (see D&C 130:18). Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood ~JBBeck [link]

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This is part IV of my series on motherhood. You can see the prior posts here: I-motherhood can't wait, II-mother at home, III-quiverfull. Today I am finally sharing the last installment: for those who do not have children.

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In my perception, there are two kinds of women in the world who are without children: those who do not want to have children, and those who do want to have children but are not able to do so (because of infertility or other life circumstances--such as not being married). To the former I would recommend going back and reading post I of the series. It is the latter women who are on my mind today.

I linked several talks in my first post, but here are some additional ones that were only relevant to this post

• James E Faust "Instruments in the Hands of God"
  
• Margaret B Nadauld "The Joy of Womanhood"
• Shari L Dew "Are We Not All Mothers"

I begin with a quote from Shari L Dew (a single woman herself):

Have you ever wondered why prophets have taught the doctrine of motherhood—and it is doctrine—again and again? I have. I have thought long and hard about the work of women of God. And I have wrestled with what the doctrine of motherhood means for all of us. This issue has driven me to my knees, to the scriptures, and to the temple—all of which teach an ennobling doctrine regarding our most crucial role as women. It is a doctrine about which we must be clear if we hope to stand “steadfast and immovable” regarding the issues that swirl around our gender. For Satan has declared war on motherhood. He knows that those who rock the cradle can rock his earthly empire. And he knows that without righteous mothers loving and leading the next generation, the kingdom of God will fail.
When we understand the magnitude of motherhood, it becomes clear why prophets have been so protective of woman’s most sacred role. While we tend to equate motherhood solely with maternity, in the Lord’s language, the word mother has layers of meaning. Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve “the mother of all living”—and they did so before she ever bore a child. Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood. Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us. ~SLDew [link]

Women are sometimes referred to as 'the gentle sex' or as nurturers. This is because motherhood--that nurturing nature--is part of how we were created. Motherhood is part of who we are.
Many mothers carry and birth biological children. Some do so on their own, others with the help of fertility treatments. Some mothers nurture and raise adopted children. Some mothers are never able to call a child their 'own,' but instead reach out to children, youth, and other mothers around them, teaching, helping, guiding, nurturing, and mothering just as surely as any woman who pushes an infant from her womb.
These 'childless' mothers value and honor motherhood, and support the sanctity of family. Perhaps at some time in their lives they will marry, perhaps the time will come when they will be able to bring children into their own homes, via birth, adoption, or some other arrangement such as fostering. On the other hand, perhaps they never will do these things.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues?

Every one of us has an overarching obligation to model righteous womanhood because our youth may not see it anywhere else. Every one of us can mother someone—beginning, of course, with the children in our own families but extending far beyond. Every one of us can show by word and by deed that the work of women in the Lord’s kingdom is magnificent and holy. I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.

As mothers in Israel, we are the Lord’s secret weapon. Our influence comes from a divine endowment that has been in place from the beginning... We just can’t let the Lord down. And if the day comes when we are the only women on earth who find nobility and divinity in motherhood, so be it. For mother is the word that will define a righteous woman made perfect in the highest degree of the celestial kingdom, a woman who has qualified for eternal increase in posterity, wisdom, joy, and influence. ~SLDew [link]

To those women who are single, prophets have encouraged us to be marriageable: to take care of ourselves, physically, mentally, and emotionally, so that if a good man should come along we would be someone worth catching. On the other hand, it is counterproductive to become so hyper-focused on marriage that we cease to live in the present. Live life! Pursue education, pursue a career, pursue your dreams. Do not let those things get in the way of a potential (good) marriage, but do not let the as-yet-unrealized possibility of marriage get in the way of living a good, productive, happy life. A marriage is made of two people, not two half people--if you cannot be whole on your own, you would not have much to bring to a marriage anyway.

Some of you, unfortunately, will never marry in this life. That turns out to be the case sometimes. If that happens, do not spend your life grieving over it. The world still needs your talents. It needs your contribution. The Church needs your faith. It needs your strong, helping hand. Life is never a failure until we call it such. There are so many who need your helping hands, your loving smile, your tender thoughtfulness. I see so many capable, attractive, wonderful women whom romance has passed by. I do not understand it, but I know that in the plan of the Almighty, the eternal plan which we call God’s plan of happiness, there will be opportunity and reward for all who seek them. ~GBHinckley [link]

To you single women who wish to be married, I repeat what I recently said in a meeting for singles in this Tabernacle: “Do not give up hope. And do not give up trying. But do give up being obsessed with it. The chances are that if you forget about it and become anxiously engaged in other activities, the prospects will brighten immeasurably…
“I believe that for most of us the best medicine for loneliness is work, service in behalf of others. I do not minimize your problems, but I do not hesitate to say that there are many others whose problems are more serious than are yours. Reach out to serve them, to help them, to encourage them. There are so many boys and girls who fail in school for want of a little personal attention and encouragement. There are so many elderly people who live in misery and loneliness and fear for whom a simple conversation would bring a measure of hope and happiness.” ~GBHinckley [link]

I think that this advice about marriage can apply equally well to the married woman who longs for children but struggles or is unable to have them. Do not give up hope, do not give up trying, but do give up being obsessed with it. I experienced a small piece of this when I repeatedly miscarried over the first 2 1/2 years of my marriage. I genuinely did not know if I would ever carry a biological child to term. I mourned my 'broken' body. I confess I did obsess to varying degrees. Honestly I was not very healthy (mentally or spiritually) during much of that time. It was when I finally found peace, and chose to go forward as I was, that I finally crept out of my depression. I accepted that my family was not going to grow in the ways or timelines that I had planned. I began pursuing license as a foster parent. I found happiness in my life, and then I was blessed to have a baby. I do not mean to imply that everyone who waits, everyone who hopes, will find their desires fulfilled as soon as they get busy with something else. I do, however, stand by the statement that when you get busy living life, then you'll be happier, regardless of what may come next.

For reasons known to the Lord, some women are required to wait to have children. This delay is not easy for any righteous woman. But the Lord’s timetable for each of us does not negate our nature. Some of us, then, must simply find other ways to mother. And all around us are those who need to be loved and led. ~SLDew [link]

We want you single sisters to know of our great love for you. You can be powerful instruments in the hands of God to help bring about this great work. You are valued and needed. Other women, even though married, may not be mothers. For those in either of these circumstances, please be assured that the Lord loves you and has not forgotten you. You can do something for another person that no one else ever born can do. You may be able to do something for another woman’s child that she may not be able to do herself. I believe some compensatory blessings will come in this life and in the hereafter to sisters in those circumstances. These blessings and a comforting peace will come to you if you can love God “with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.” You can still be highly successful in whatever you do as instruments in the hands of God to bring about this great work. ~JEFaust [link]

We have special admiration for the unsung but unsullied single women among whom are some of the noblest daughters of God. These sisters know that God loves them, individually and distinctly. They make wise career choices even though they cannot now have the most choice career. Though in their second estate they do not have their first desire, they still overcome the world. These sisters who cannot now enrich the institution of their own marriage so often enrich other institutions in society. They do not withhold their blessings simply because some blessings are now withheld from them. Their trust in God is like that of the wives who are childless, but not by choice, but who in the justice of God will receive special blessings one day. ~NAMaxwell [link]

You can recognize women who are grateful to be a daughter of God by their reverence for motherhood, even when that blessing has been withheld from them for a time. In those circumstances, their righteous influence can be a blessing in the lives of children they love. Their exemplary teachings can echo the voice of a faithful home and resonate truth in the hearts of children who need another witness. ~MBNadauld [link]

Thinking about Eve

Yesterday in church we had a lesson about the fall of Adam, and it led into a lengthy discussion about Eve. I've been thinking about her ever since, and wanted to share some of my thoughts. I'm not trying to make new points here per se, just sharing some of the things I've been pondering.

First of all, for those of my readers who are not LDS, I will briefly mention that we do not believe in the teaching of original sin. We believe that each person is held accountable for what they do, but not for anything that anyone else does. So Eve's choice in Eden had consequences for her, but does not bring punishment (or need for redemption) to anyone else. We also believe that her choice was a necessary thing, but I will get to that later.

While in the garden, Eve was named "the mother of all living" and Adam was named "many." So the actual bearing of children is not prerequisite to motherhood or fatherhood--they are innate parts of us, which we may or may not realize (carry out), but it is still part of who we are.

Eve bore many children. I cannot imagine the pain she felt when Cain murdered Abel, but she did not give up. I imagine that watching her eldest son make such horrible choices was disheartening in the least--it's hard for me to watch one of my little boys disobey or tell a lie or hit his brother (I feel like some degree of failure every time, wondering how it is that they still do those things when I'm trying so hard to teach them right). But Eve persevered, and she went on to bare Seth (after the murder) and taught and raised him and he became a righteous prophet.

When Eve says that the serpent beguiled her, we typically understand that to mean that he "deceived" her. However, the word beguile has a broader meaning than that. It can also mean to distract someone, or to engage their interest. We must also keep in mind that our English scriptures were translated from other languages, and that verbs differ from one language to another and that it can be difficult to transfer exact meanings. One woman in class yesterday shared something she had read about the Hebrew verb that was translated to 'beguile,' and that the original verb carries more depth than the translation, including implications of careful thought and an intentional choice. I have always believed that the translators of the Bible did their best, but I've also always believed that men are imperfect and that some errors are inevitable (which is why I'm grateful for personal revelation and modern prophets).
Without question the serpent lied to Eve when he told her that eating the fruit would not bring death, however he also told truth when he said that it would make her wise, understanding good an evil as God does. I don't think Eve was a pushover by any stretch. While in Eden both Adam and Eve were in an innocent, childlike state. They could not have children, and therefore could not fulfill God's command to multiply and replenish the earth. Eve, though childlike in her understanding, realized that their two commandments (to multiply, and to not eat the fruit) were in conflict, and that one must be broken. I believe that, when presented with the fact that eating the fruit would bring knowledge, she realized that knowledge was necessary in order to progress (to move beyond their stasis in the garden), and so she made a choice. She had to disobey one commandment in order to keep the other, so she made a choice between one good thing and another. She sacrificed a good thing in order to have a better one. We all face choices between things that are good and things that are better--I like to think that Eve is a good example to us of being willing to make those choices, even when they are hard, and even when they require some sacrifice.

Finally, some thoughts on the "punishment" of Eve.
Generations of Christians were taught that women suffered in childbirth as punishment for Eve's actions. I can understand how that caught on in a religion that believed that we were as guilty as she, but with the understanding that we are not accountable for anyone else's actions, we also are not punished for them. In other words, I do not believe that bearing children (neither birthing nor raising them) is a punishment, and certainly not a punishment for something that someone else did. I also don't believe that bringing forth children 'in sorrow' specifically means that labor is supposed to be painful. If labor were supposed to be terrible, then it would be that way for women of all cultures, but it doesn't take long to realize that western (Christian) culture views birth quite differently from, say, the Vietnamese woman who squats beside the rice field to deliver her baby, then returns to work; or Sacajawea who delivered her son along the trail while traveling with Lewis & Clark; or dozens of other indigenous cultures where birthing is a rite of passage but not a trial by fire.
To more fully illustrate my point, I've copied over just what it does say in scripture about this.
Genesis 3:16-17:
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
Moses 4:22-25:
Unto the woman, I, the Lord God, said: I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception. In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children, and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
And unto Adam, I, the Lord God, said: Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the fruit of the tree of which I commanded thee, saying—Thou shalt not eat of it, cursed shall be the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life.
Thorns also, and thistles shall it bring forth to thee, and thou shalt eat the herb of the field.
By the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, until thou shalt return unto the ground
2 Nephi 2:11, 22-25:
For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. [No] life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility...
And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.
But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.
Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

My thoughts:
The footnotes indicate that Eve's 'multiplication' refers to the growth of pregnancy. So 'greatly multiply' (to my mind) indicates many children. That's not a punishment, that's a fulfillment of the commandment to multiply and replenish the earth.
The footnotes cross-reference 'sorrow' with 'pain' and 'suffering,' not just in reference to Eve, but to Adam as well. Because it applies to both of them, I don't think it is specifically talking about labor, but rather about living life outside the garden (having to till the earth for example), and also about raising children. When Cain murdered Abel, I'm sure that these parents felt sorrow, pain, and suffering. A certain amount of sorrow is par for the course when raising children; that doesn't mean that it's a punishment, it's just a natural part of the process. I think Gods words to them here were more by way of information than condemnation. As Nephi teaches (via the words of his father), without sorrow we could not understand joy, and God wants us to be happy, therefore, He must also allow us pain.
In re-reading these references, I noted again that God says the ground will be cursed "for thy sake." God could have made it easy to till the earth and raise food, He could have made food grow spontaneously, but He knew that there is value in hard work, therefore He gave us the blessing of cursing the ground.
Finally, in regard to the part about being ruled over by her husband: God's world is a world of order. There is a simple patriarchal hierarchy, and while it is never appropriate for a man to dominate or abuse his wife, still it is his role to preside. So in telling Eve to submit to her husband, God was laying out the plan He'd always had for families, not punishing Eve.

In conclusion, as a daughter of Eve, and one who could never have been born without her transgression. I am grateful for Eve and the choice she made.

Find nobility in motherhood and joy in womanhood

Anyone who has been reading my blog for long knows that this is a topic that is near and dear to me, with posts like The Feelin Feminine Challenge, Interfering with Nature and Bringing Down Women, or Why Birth Matters. I find it sad when women try to be men (or even to be androgynous), or when they despise their womanhood rather than rejoicing in it. Sure, hormones have their ups and downs, but in the long run womanhood is something unique and amazing. Motherhood has its (literal) pains as well, but it also can bring more joys and pleasures than a childless life. I have never looked at motherhood as something I was stuck with—it is something I always wanted and now find very fulfilling. It is far more fulfilling than my formal education or work ever was (in spite of the fact that I very much enjoyed college and teaching). I believe the women are meant to be mothers—it is hardwired into us. In the beginning God asked Adam what he would name the woman, and he said “I will call her Eve, because she is the mother of all living.” Eve had not yet borne a child, but motherhood was part of who she was, and so it is part of every woman. Motherhood is an integral part of womanhood. I believe that this is why staunchly single women are adopting children, and why career women are now choosing to have babies in their 30s and 40s--they are realizing that they’ve missed something important in bypassing having a family, and they try to get it in before it’s too late. (I have reservations about single women adopting, because I believe that every child is entitled to be raised by a mother AND a father, but that is another post.)
Women are not men, nor should we try to be, or want to be. We are called ‘the fair sex’ and ‘the gentle sex’ and so let us live up to those titles. Modest femininity is far more attractive than flaunted sexuality. Gentleness and patience are Godlike virtues. Women have great influence on their husbands, and mothers have great influence on their children. Truly, it can be said that behind every great man is a great woman—and it is ok for us to stand behind our men. Our calling is to keep the home and to make it a haven from the world. Our calling is to raise our children and teach them to live moral lives. Our calling is to support and sustain our husband in his roles as provider, protector, and presiding head in the family.
I can hear the comments now “what about being an individual?” “doesn’t a woman lose her own identity when she becomes a wife or mother?” To this I respond that wifehood and motherhood define womanhood. A woman (or a man) is not able to reach her (his) full potential alone. She may be great, but she will not reach the extent of the divine possibilities of womanhood without incorporating these integral aspects of it. I appreciate that some women genuinely do not have the opportunity to marry or to raise children in this life, but our loving God has promised that each worthy person will have an opportunity to fulfill these roles in the next life if they have not done so here. I know that doesn’t make it feel much easier right now, nor is it permission to stop caring about or seeking these things in the present, but it is some comfort to know that good intentions ARE worth something, and that sooner or later good things are in store for all those who truly seek them.
I invite you to check out my series on motherhood:
Part 1-Why Motherhood Can’t Wait
Part 2-Mother at Home
Part 3-Quiverfull

We are beloved spirit daughters of God

We are beloved spirit daughters of God,
And our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.
We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity…

We know who we are, where we came from, and where we are going (or at least where we can go!). Genuine understanding of our divine heritage gives us the power to stand firm in who we are, in spite of the buffetings of the world. Knowledge of the divine heritage of our fellow sisters (and brothers) gives us the desire to reach out and serve them.
Honestly, I’m not really sure what else to say about this. The words are so simple and yet so powerful, that anything I can say would only diminish the poignancy.

Happy Birthday Relief Society

In March we celebrate the anniversary of the organization of the Relief Society (the women’s organization of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) so I thought it would be a good time to write a bit about RS and who we are and what we do.
From its inception, the Relief Society was an organization for uplifting and supporting each other, both physically and spiritually. In our Sunday meetings we study and discuss gospel topics. We have other meetings for personal enrichment, learning, developing skills, and serving others. We take meals to new mothers or ill church members. We make quilts and medical kits and school kits to ship around the world. Here in my ward we recently collected items for a local women’s shelter. Our motto is “Charity Never Faileth” and our goal is to be the hands of heaven on earth.
The following statement was released a few years ago by the general (churchwide) Relief Society presidency, and I keep it hanging on my wall because it inspires me every time I read it. (click the links to see the posts I have written about the individual topics)

We are beloved spirit daughters of God,

And our lives have meaning, purpose, and direction.

As a worldwide sisterhood, we are united in our devotion

to Jesus Christ, our Savior and Exemplar.

We are women of faith, virtue, vision, and charity who:

~

Increase our testimonies of Jesus Christ

through prayer and scripture study

~

Seek spiritual strength by following the

promptings of the Holy Ghost.

~

Dedicate ourselves to strengthening

marriages, families, and homes.

~

Find nobility in motherhood

and joy in womanhood.

~

Delight in service and good works.

~

Love life and learning.

~

Stand for truth and righteousness.

~

Sustain the priesthood

as the authority of God on earth.

~

Rejoice in the blessings of the temple,

understand our divine destiny,

and strive for exaltation.

Over the rest of the month I’ll be posting about these topics. I hope you will join me in discussing these things, and if you are LDS, consider taking this opportunity to write about the Relief Society on your own blog.

Feelin Feminine Challenge

Christina at TheStoryOfUs shared this challenge recently, and I decided to give it a go. The original challenge is to wear skirts/dresses every day for a week. I have had periods in my life when I did this, but at present it is a bit difficult because 1--I am nursing so dresses/jumpers are out. 2--many of my skirts are summery and it's winter in Alaska right now. 3--some of my skirts still don't fit around my post-baby body. So I decided to do what I do with so many things, and adapt it for myself.
For the last week I have made efforts to be more feminine in my appearance--but not necessarily just by wearing skirts--and to observe how it affected how feminine I felt. I made an effort to actually comb and style my hair every day, not just pull it up in a quick bun (which is what I often do). I wore earrings. I made an effort to be feminine in my behavior--thinking about my role as a Keeper At Home, taking pride in doing what I do well, and also trying to be gentle and patient and those other traditional virtues.

Here are some photos from the week:

Day 1 (Photo courtesy of Wolf)
Nothin makes ya feel fat like wearing your favorite skirt--that used to be slightly loose at the waist--and having to wear a waist cincher to even get it zipped up...and then still looking pudgy anyway. *sigh* I decided to put this skirt away again for a few more months. I can't bear to get rid of it though--not unless I know I won't fit it again--because I made it and like I said, I really love it.

Day 2 (Taking my own photos now--thank you mirror!)
I went for a feminine shirt (my sister got it for me in Brazil), upswept hair, and pretty (etsy) earrings...with my jeans. I liked it. Someone asked me for a tutorial on the hair--I'll try to remember to post that soon. I just wanted something besides a regular old bun...so I made a glorified version of a regular old bun. ☺

Day 3--no photos, whoops! I wore an embroidered peasant blouse (which my sister got me from Mexico--go sis!!) with the jeans and some pretty earrings...

Day 4 (Sunday)

A rare non-dangly-earring day, but it was Valentine's, so I figured hearts were in order, besides which these earrings were a gift from Wolf a couple of years ago. ♥
Hair up a la day 2 again.

Day 5
Oh my word I forgot to wear earrings.
I think I get a bonus point for this day though because I made both the blouse and the skirt...

Day 6
These are the earrings I wore on Day 3... (handmade--bought from a street fair vendor when I was in college). Even a blue button-down shirt can be feminine...I think...


Day 7--no photos, but I wore the stripey green skirt again with a tan t-shirt. I didn't sleep very well the prior night and didn't do anythign interesting with my hair or earrings...but I wore a dress. So I still get my points, right?!

Day 8--today
Another peasant blouse (this one I bought in Turkey--note the lace bit in the middle of the sleeve too--I love that part *sigh*) These earrings I bought at a street fair at least 15 years ago. They were on studs which eventually got ikky, but I switched them onto some nice french hooks and they are still my favorites...they have seen more ear time than all my other earrings combined I think. But how can you go wrong with a simple dangle that matches everything?!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So now we get the exciting "let's analyze our feelings" part of the post. ☺ Here are things I noticed this week:

• A lot of the things I did this week are things I do anyway--baking bread, making dinners, sewing--but when I was thinking about them as part of my 'role' rather than part of my 'dumb stuff I gotta do' list they seemed, I don't know...less drudgery and more noble I guess. I mean, kneading bread is still kneading bread--and I don't mind it--but there's something about kneading it with love instead of kneading it with hurry I guess. 
• A lot of people chop off their hair when they have kids. If you like short hair, go ahead and have a short haircut...but I think it's sad to get 'mom hair' just because you're a Mrs, you know? I find that a pretty up-do is youthful and elegant and feminine, and it can add a dash of glamour to everyday jeans...
• All my best stuff is either handmade or from a foreign country. Hmmmmmm.
• Earrings can dress you up or frump you down. 
• Femininity is as much about attitude and actions as it is about outfits. Maybe moreso.
• ...and I no longer own any pants except jammies/sweats and jeans. This is Alaska, after all--and I've lived in the bush for the last two years. I decided that this summer I need to buy a pair of slacks or corderoys so I can have something between 'jeans' and 'church' to wear.

The Wiggly Truth

I'm in a low with body image issues right now.
There, I said it.
In my pre-teens I hated my flat chest.
In my early teens I hated my hair (and the fact that curl + humidity = frizz).
In my later teens (having gained both a chest and some defrizzer and also a slender waist and really hot legs due to some pretty intense ballroom dancing) I finally was happy with my appearance. I stayed pretty happy into my mid 20s. I struggled with other things (like zero dating life and later on multiple miscarriages) but my body looked good even if it didn't seem to be working right. After Bear was born I had a few months of adjusting to my striped and ripply tummy, but I could still squeeze it into the same jeans as before the pregnancy, so I just kept it covered up and went on being happy. But for some reason this time is different.
Maybe it's that it's still less than 3 months since Eagle's birth. Maybe it's that I still have 5 extra lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight (they came off faster last time). Maybe it's that I have more stripes, or more jiggles in my middle than last time. Maybe it's that those breasts I once prayed for are really big and very droopy. Maybe it's that my face is starting to get lines. Maybe it's that I spend all my time being a mommy (changing diapers and doing laundry) and not so much time being a woman (going out with my Hubby or doing much of anything for me).
No, I'm not depressed like I was a year ago, truly I'm not. I'm just struggling with looking in the mirror right now... and because I'm not finding myself attractive, it's hard to believe that anyone else could find me attractive, and of course that opens up a whole other can of worms. But that's not what this post is about. The reason I'm writing this post is just to say yes, even the most confident and happy of women go through periods like this. I love being a mother, truly I do. I have no regrets over choosing motherhood, in spite of the things it does to my body, and I would (and probably will) do it again without hesitation. I know that this season of my life is one for giving--my youth was for me and my old age will be for me again, but right now is my time to create and give. It's just that on some days it's hard. And that's ok.

"Birth is not merely a means to an end..."

"Birth is not merely a means to an end,
it is an event that changes a family and is imprinted on a woman's life forever.
♥
The memories of their children's births are among the most vivid memories a woman will ever have.
♥
Get any group of women together and ask them about their birth experiences, and you will hear of joy, pain, sorrow, triumph, and a myriad of other strong and powerful emotions."


~Andrea Lythgoe, doula and childbirth educator
(from her website, posted with her permission)

Why Birthing Matters

A few months ago I was talking with Hubby about birth options, and he asked why women make such a big deal of where and how they give birth. After all, if the point is to get the baby out and have everybody healthy, then isn’t one place or method as good as another? (He really didn’t ask in a heartless way like that, he just genuinely wanted to understand.) This is an issue that is raised frequently, so here is my attempt to explain why birthing matters.

There are two parts to this in my opinion. First it’s about safety and respect, and secondly it’s about personal accomplishment.

Many women report feeling like they had no choices, no control, and/or no rights when they were laboring and birthing. Schedules had to be kept, this or that intervention came up, and lady you’d better be quiet because you don’t know anything anyway and we are trying to save your baby here. This sort of experience is often referred to as “birth rape” and (given the power-play involved) that seems to me an accurate term. During labor a woman is at her most vulnerable—not only is she without clothing and (commonly) laying down, but her body is doing things which are beyond her control, and in the midst of all that SHE HAS TO RELAX! After decades of being pushed around and told how we should labor and birth our babies, is it any wonder that women are becoming assertive about birth and insisting on different providers, locations, or methods for their births? A woman should to be able to choose the things which allow her to be comfortable. If there is anything that inhibits labor it is feeling uncomfortable! I don’t know anyone who can relax and let their body do its thing when they are stressed…it’s a little like trying to have a bowel movement with half the neighborhood watching.

There is a second reason why birthing choices matter though, and in some ways I think this one may even be bigger than the first, and that is that birthing a baby is the ultimate expression of femaleness. We in the western world live in a culture that has spent the last century de-feminizing women. Some of these changes are the result of technology, and many have come at the behest of the women themselves, but the result is the same: women are becoming more and more like men. They dress like men. They talk like men. They work in the same offices at the same kinds of jobs. They take medications so that their hormonal swings over the course of their menstrual cycle are minimalised. They can even limit or stop the menstruation itself. Many do not marry. Many do not have children (or if they do, they hand them off to be raised by nannies or daycare and school systems so that they can continue to work). They are out of touch with the natural cycles of the world: they live in a climate-controlled home that is the same temperature year-round. They work in a climate-controlled office. They drive in a climate-controlled car. They eat the same imported foods year-round and probably don’t even know what foods are in season when. As mentioned before, they control (or do away with) their menstrual cycles so that not even that bit of nature is allowed to occur naturally. But birth, that is an exclusively female domain. No man can do it. In other words, for many women, giving birth is the one time in her life when she is being true to what she is--when she is actually doing something as nature intended--and that can be a powerful (and empowering) experience. It is her chance to be a WOMAN rather than another androgynous clone. Is it any wonder that many women spend so much time and emotion planning for their births? Especially given that most women in our culture will only do it once or twice, is it any wonder that birthing matters?

Expectations when You're Expecting

A recent conversation with a friend gave me the chance to sort and organize my thoughts about how a woman’s preconceptions about labor affect how she perceives the sensations of labor as they are happening. I felt like I was fairly eloquent in that conversation and I hope that my attempt to transcribe my thoughts here will come out as well.

The short version of it all is that every woman and every labor are different. But I believe (and have heard quite a few birth stories which vindicate the belief) that most women get the labor they expect. It may not be the labor they planned for, it may not be the labor they wanted, but at least to some degree it was probably the one that they expected. “Expected” may not be the best word…in some cases perhaps it is more accurate to say that they get the labor that they feared…but that is actually precisely what I am getting at: if a woman has negative expectations (or the fear of certain negative things happening) I think that her body will probably get the message, and she is much more likely to have a negative experience.
(As a note, yes I realize that there are various complications which can affect the realities of labor, regardless of the woman’s mindset…chemical induction or augmentation of labor tends to cause more intense contractions, a poorly positioned baby can lead to back labor which by all accounts is much harder than laboring with a better-positioned baby, and if the mother is tired or stressed or inhibited for other reasons those can all affect labor too...So of course I make these comments merely as general observations. Since we’re on the subject of complications though, it is also worth noting that many of them, including things like poor positioning and induction, can be avoided in many cases, so it’s worth being educated enough to avoid those complications if at all possible!)
I can only speculate of course. I cannot get into the inner psyche of another woman and determine what kinds of thoughts and preconceptions were in her head prior to labor. I only know what my experience was, and what other women have told me about theirs. Based on those though, here is what I have concluded:

Women tend to fall into three main groups in their perceptions of labor

• Those who expect pain, and either plan for medication or else take classes to learn coping techniques to deal with that pain. These women may take classes that promise painless birthing or totally relaxed birthing, but if they still expect labor to be painful, then (in my opinion) no amount of practicing techniques is likely to remove the pain from their labors. (One woman I know practiced her birth hypnosis routines faithfully and told me that in labor she was completely relaxed but still in the worst pain of her life. Complicating factors aside, I am left to wonder if the psychological was part of that.)
• Those who expect no pain, in spite of avoiding medication, and may even plan to relax though the whole thing (typically because they have taken a class that told them they could). These women usually use words like “surges” or “rushes” instead of “contractions” because they find them more positive. I confess I’m slightly skeptical of this group because, unless she’s had a painless labor before, I’d be surprised to find any woman who genuinely expects labor to be painless.
• Those who expect work, which will be intense, and may include hurting (like a serious workout), but not ‘pain’ in a negative sense of the word. They don’t mind hearing the “hard labor” stories, nor using words like “contraction” (it IS an accurate description of the uterine motion, after all), but they perceive it all through the lens of ‘work’ rather than the lens of ‘pain.’ They gear up for labor as for a marathon, and they don’t mind getting down and dirty because they know that they will also get the high that comes from completing the race.

Those who know my personality can probably guess which mindset I chose, and guess what: I got precisely what I expected. Labor was a lot of work, it was tiring, and after 12 or 15 hours it got pretty hard. I remember the thing that ended up being the most helpful during contractions was for my husband to repeat to me over and over “you can do anything for one minute,” because you know, I could! At the moment of the “ring of fire” (just as the head squeezed through) it hurt like crazy…but those few seconds passed in, well, seconds, and then I had a baby to hold. I have no hesitation in going into my second labor with the same mindset. I think back to Stephen Gaskin’s quote about labor being heavy, and that if you’ve never done anything heavy (or hard) in your life then labor is going to be thoroughly overwhelming…but if you’re not afraid of some hard work, then what’s to fear about labor?!

Tiger Stripes

This is the part of pregnancy where women start to get stressed (if they weren't already) about stretch marks.
They buy lotions and creams and rub them on their bellies religiously, in the hope that somehow their postpartum belly will look just the same as their pre-pregnancy tummy did. However the simple truth is that stretch marks are genetic and there's not much of anything you can do to affect whether you get them. Some women will not get any, and some women will get a million. Keeping yourself well-hydrated is your best bet, because it will help your skin be more elastic, BUT if you have stretch marks anywhere else (hips, breasts, etc) then you are almost certain to get them on your belly when pregnant. Period. And that's ok!
I didn't get any stretch marks until I was about 32 weeks along with Bear (I had nearly concluded that I might not get any at all!) then I got a little row right along the very bottom of my belly... Two weeks later I noticed another little row developing just above the original ones. In the final few weeks of my pregnancy my belly filled in with stripes all the way up to (and a few past) my belly button. I didn't get particularly large in my pregnancy--I was at a healthy weight before it and gained a very healthy 27lbs. But I got well-striped.


This picture is from about a year after Bear was born (a year before I became pregnant with this kiddo), and you can see both my not-so-flat belly and my beautiful stripes.


Yep, I just said beautiful stripes. It's not the belly I was born with, and it's not a belly that's going to make the cover of any magazines I suppose, but it's beautiful, because those marks are the indication of a belly that has fulfilled its calling in life: it has grown a baby (or several), and just as the weather-worn farmer shows the beauty of a productive life, so a baby-striped belly is beautiful too.
They were a little hard to accept at first--I had never been one to show my midriff so it wasn't that it affected my wardrobe at all--but I felt that I'd lost something of my youthfulness, and was sure that my husband would find me less attractive because of it. Over time I adjusted to the new me, and I've had a few thoughts about stripey tummies. First of all, most mothers have them. Seriously, some have more stripes than others, but most women are going to get at least a few stretch marks. Of course the magazine-cover models (even the ones who've had children) are airbrushed, so even if they have marks (and I bet at least some of them do) their marks don't make the final print...but we all know that those kinds of photos aren't realistic anyway, right? Yeah, I know, they are in our faces all the time, but they're inaccurate and it's much healthier to focus on what real women look like. That's why I would like to recommend the website The Shape of a Mother. The goal of SOAM is to share photos of what real women look like, and I know many mothers who have found it comforting to realize that they are not alone in their new shapes and stripes. I will warn that most of the photos are unclothed to some degree (most show bellies, many show breasts, some are fully bare, and some angles are more discreet than others), so use your own judgment and comfort level in determining whether to visit the site or how much to peruse.

The Perfect Mother

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother.
Each situation is unique.
Each mother has different challenges,
different skills and abilities,
and certainly different children.
The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family...
What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply
and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband,
prioritizes them above all else."

~M. Russell Ballard (LDS Apostle)

On Cooking from Scratch

"When we traded homemaking for careers, we were implicitly promised economic independence and worldly influence. But a devil of a bargain it has turned out to be in terms of daily life. We gave up the aroma of warm bread rising, the measured pace of nurturing routines, the creative task of molding our families' tastes and zest for life; we received in exchange the minivan and the Lunchable. I consider it the great hoodwink of my generation."

~~Barbara Kingsolver, in "Animal Vegetable Miracle" pg 126

Friday Feel Up & RDs take on Cancer Screenings

It's the first Friday of the month, time for your monthly feel-yourself-up self breast exam. Go ahead, go get it done right now while you're thinking about it. I'll wait. ☺

And for those who may have forgotten, yes you should do them even if you are pregnant or breastfeeding. ☺

The Reader's Digest had a very interesting article in the current issue (April 09) about cancer screenings, so I thought I'd share from that this month. (It's particularly interesting in light of the mixed reviews I found when I wrote about mammograms a few months ago.) Please note that the screenings this article is talking about are the ones done in the doctor's office--the kind that find things you would not notice on your own. Obviously, if you have symptoms (such as a lump in your breast) you should get it checked out. Of course you should still do self-exams. All this is questioning is the wisdom of doing screenings (such as mammograms and colonoscopies) if you have no other symptoms...
So here I quote from them at length.

It's hard to believe, but some researchers [say] that yearly mammograms are not nearly as effective at reducing the risk of dying of breast cancer as most women think, and that mammography leads many women to get unnecessary treatment -- especially those diagnosed with DCIS [ductal carcinoma in situ]. The problem is bigger than just mammography: They say the prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test may do men more harm than good if they don't already have symptoms of prostate cancer. And they have similarly grim things to say about other widely used cancer screening tests.

Their view stands in stark contrast to the message being put out by groups like the American Cancer Society and even the federal government, which say that finding and treating tumors as early as possible is the surest way to avoid a cancer death. But a growing group of scientific heretics -- published in highly respected medical journals, working at some of the most august institutions -- strongly believe that it's time to rethink our whole approach to cancer screening.

That's because screening tests pick up many small cancers that would never have caused any symptoms. "Screening for cancer means that tens of thousands of patients who never would have become sick are diagnosed with this disease," says H. Gilbert Welch, MD, codirector of the Outcomes Group at the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in White River Junction, Vermont, and a leading expert in cancer screening. "Once they're diagnosed, almost everybody gets treated -- and we know that treatment can cause harm." Tamoxifen for breast cancer can trigger life-threatening clots in the lungs, for instance. Surgery for prostate cancer leaves 60 percent of men unable to have an erection. For that matter, some of the screening tests themselves carry risks: Up to 5 out of every 1,000 people who get a colonoscopy have a serious complication, such as a colon perforation or major bleeding.

Most people diagnosed with cancer undoubtedly see these risks as the price they must pay to avoid dying of cancer. "The reality is not so simple," says Dr. Welch. Screening tests are very good at catching tumors that would never bother us, he notes, but they're actually pretty bad at catching the fastest-growing and most deadly cancers in time to cure them. The bottom line, says researcher Floyd Fowler, Jr., PhD, president of the Boston-based nonprofit Foundation for Informed Medical Decision Making: "Screening's power to cut your risk of dying has been wildly overinflated."

How Cancer Can Fool a Screening Test

The idea that getting tested for cancer might be useless or even harmful may strike you as completely wrongheaded. After all, smaller cancers are easier to cut out. They're also less likely to have metastasized, or spread to other parts of the body -- and metastasis is generally what makes cancer deadly. Sure, it's possible for a tumor to kill without metastasizing: A brain tumor, for example, can cause devastating harm when it grows big enough to squeeze healthy tissue inside the skull. But most cancers threaten life only after a few cells break free and travel through the bloodstream or lymph fluid to set up shop in another part of the body. Once that's happened, a surgeon can no longer cure a patient by removing the tumor. And even powerful chemotherapy drugs are often unable to kill every last errant cell.

Physicians used to think that a tumor needed to get to a certain size before it would spread. But that's not necessarily so, says Barnett S. Kramer, MD, associate director for disease prevention at the National Institutes of Health. "Some tumors spread extremely early," he says. They begin metastasizing when they consist of only a few million cells, which sounds like a lot but is smaller than the period at the end of this sentence -- too small to detect with most screening tests. By the time this kind of cancer is big enough to be seen on a mammogram or other test, it's already sent seeds to other parts of the body.

The flip side of this problem is that many screening tests do a great job at catching cancers that would never have caused problems and could simply have been left alone. This notion violates most of what we think we know about cancer, says Dr. Kramer, because most of what we know is based on the tumors that cause harm. If you think of all the different varieties of cancer as making up an iceberg, cancers that cause symptoms represent only the part of the berg above the waterline. For most of human history, these were the only tumors we knew anything about: the breast cancer that had grown big enough to feel, the lung cancer that was causing shortness of breath.

Screening allows us to look under the water, at the tumors that haven't yet become symptomatic. We assume they will eventually cause symptoms, but increasing evidence suggests that's not always the case. Evidence from autopsies, for instance: In one study, postmortem exams showed that nearly 9 percent of women of all ages who died of any cause other than breast cancer had undiagnosed DCIS. Among women from Denmark, where mammography is not as common as it is here, a whopping 39 percent of middle-aged women who died of other causes had undetected breast cancers. Similarly, says outcomes researcher Dr. Welch, a 1989 study found that 60 percent of men over age 60 have undetected prostate cancer -- yet only about 3 percent of deaths in men are due to prostate cancer.
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The Damage Screening Can Do

Forget the fact that unnecessary therapies for cancer are a tremendous drain on our health care budget, already strained to the breaking point. "Many oncologists would probably tell you that they've had patients who suffered serious side effects, even death, from treatment that they might not have needed," says William C. Black, MD, a professor of radiology at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center. No one intentionally prescribes unnecessary treatment, of course. But it's often difficult to know if a patient really needs to be treated, so the tendency is to be aggressive, just in case.

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Does Screening Save Lives?

For many people, even serious side effects [would] be worth putting up with if the treatment reduced their risk of dying of cancer. That's the point of getting screened, isn't it? Yet only one cancer screening test, the venerable Pap smear, has truly slashed the risk of death. Between 1955 and 1992, according to the American Cancer Society, Pap smears cut the death rate for cervical cancer by 74 percent, and deaths have continued to decline each year.

Mammograms also offer a smaller benefit than many patients -- and doctors -- assume. Mammography's effectiveness has been hotly debated, but a carefully conducted 2005 analysis suggests it cuts the risk of dying of breast cancer by 15 percent, says the NIH's Kramer. That means a 60-year-old who gets regular mammograms shaves her risk of dying of the disease in the next decade from 7 per 1,000 to 6 per 1,000.

[This section also contained specifics about the effectiveness--or lack thereof--of colonoscopies and prostate cancer screenings...]

To Screen or Not to Screen

The fact is, there's no single answer. It depends on many factors, including how old you are, what other diseases you have, and what you value most in terms of your health...

Eventually, researchers and doctors hope, better screening tests will be able to distinguish between cancers that need to be treated and those that don't. But until then, many experts believe, the decision to get screened should rest on an individual's values and his or her ability to handle uncertainty. "We have come to fear dying from disease more than dying at the hands of overzealous doctors," says Dartmouth's Dr. Black. The fact is, both are risks when we get screened for cancer.

Check out these books, which help with decisions about testing and treatment:

• Should I Be Tested for Cancer? by H. Gilbert Welch, MD
• Know Your Chances: Understanding Health Statistics by Steven Woloshin, MD, Lisa M. Schwartz, MD, and H. Gilbert Welch, MD

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Their conclusions about whether or not to get screened were in a sidebox in the magazine, but I don't see them on the website, so I will copy them here:

Screening might be right for you if:

• You have a family history. If you have close relatives with cancer, your own risk of developing it may be above average. Generally only immediate relatives (mother, father, sibling, child) count toward your family history.
• You know you have a risky mutation. The BCRA1 and 2 mutations are known to increase the risk of breast and ovarian cancers. Other mutations have been tied to colon cancer.
• You've already had cancer. One bout slightly increases your odds of developing another, unrelated cancer.

Think twice before getting screened if:

• You have another serious illness. Having heart disease or suffereing a stroke increases the odds that you'll die before an undetected cancer could cause symptoms.
• You're under 50 or over 70. there's less evidence to support getting screened in your 40s, when cancer risk is low. After 70, the possible benefit from early treatment should be weighed against the chance that it will make life less enjoyable or more painful.
• You're frail. If you can't withstand treatment, it may not be useful to undergo a screening test.
• You're particularly afraid of being harmed by treatment you don't need.